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AIBU?

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Original poster

More of a WWYD - unbelievably selfish 6yr old

78 replies

PetitPoisPants · 05/07/2016 19:50

I'm out of my depth with my 6 year old dd behaviour and really need some advice Blush

I love her to bits but she is becoming very selfish and rude and displaying "unlikeable" behaviour . I don't know how to handle it .

I know she sees my frustration when she acts this way and I try to praise even the tiniest good thing she does , but it's never enough for her - she always wants more . Of everything !

Examples :
I had surgery last week and I use crutches at the minute . On the way to school today I asked her to carry her own bag (I usually do it as she likes to run) . She huffed and puffed , spoke to me rudely , complained the whole short walk there and asked why she had to do everything Hmm

I explained that as I was poorly at the minute, she needed to help .

She has a real problem with sharing - toys and food mainly . Her little sister always offers her food but dd1 refuses to do the same .

If her sister comes out of school with a biscuit she's baked DD1 is in her face telling her if she doesn't half it she won't ever be her friend again Hmm

As dd1 won't share , it got to the point I told dd2 not to bother sharing either .

Both girls had a packet of crisps - we have been trying to encourage dd1 to offer things to other people (dd2 does this naturally) . Dd1 offered her sister and her dad a crisp - both took one .

Dd2 then offered dd1 a crisp - who sneakily took two then denied it and finally admitted she did because she had "lost two" and it wasn't fair !

She's starting to lie about silly things .

I thought she might need some one to one attention . Dd1 loves colouring. I told her I was ordering myself some adult colouring books and I'd love it if we could colour them in together . She was pleased - until she asked if the colouring books could be both of ours .

I explained they were mine but I'd love to share them with her and she can help me anytime . No. She wasn't happy - she wanted them to be hers too.

She also complained that I'm important and everyone is looking after me just because I've had surgery .

Her behaviour is exasperating and it goes on and on and on over every little thing .

Please help ! Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
PetitPoisPants · 05/07/2016 19:51

Also , she's always rolling her eyes whenever I ask a simple request or she is always ignoring me or screaming at me if she doesn't want to do it .

OP posts:
Buggers · 05/07/2016 19:54

Ignore the behavior, she's doing it for attention once she stops getting a reaction she will stop doing it. Hope you recover from surgery okFlowers.

mrsfuzzy · 05/07/2016 19:55

has this been a recent change ? if so what was happening around that time? maybe she sees her friends 'getting' things and feels left out,

peppatax · 05/07/2016 19:56

This sounds very familiar.... I'm not sure whether it is an age/development phase but also accompanied frequently with 'I knooooooooow Mummy'.

All I can suggest is working out what floats her boat and using that as leverage, e.g. DD gets a small amount of pocket money and when displays the behaviour above a swift reminder if she's behaving like that she won't get it. But horses for courses, I think as they get older it is a case of finding out what motivates them.

As for the challenging attitude, I just try really hard to firmly correct any rude comments. It's tough but consistency is key. And wine Wine

Discobabe · 05/07/2016 19:57

Welcome to age 6 Grin

SharkSkinThing · 05/07/2016 19:57

My 6 yo DS is the exactly the same right now! Perhaps it's just a stage in their development? I have no other kids so perhaps someone wiser can help!

It's utterly frustrating, isn't it? So bloody rude and disrespectful! I know they're only six but in other ways they can seem so grown up sometimes (maybe that's why it's so annoying!).

My only advice is the same old story - reward the good, ignore/ punish the bad. Keep calm and hang on in there! And get well soon. 💐💜🍫

Discobabe · 05/07/2016 19:58

Consistency is key. They grow out of thinking they know it all.....eventually.

Pearlman · 05/07/2016 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SharkSkinThing · 05/07/2016 19:59

X post and 100% what peppa said! 😀

Original poster
PetitPoisPants · 05/07/2016 20:01

It's been happening for a while but I feel has escalated in recent months - no big changes that I can think of .

We do the pocket money thing too and reward for good behaviour but she doesn't seem to care !

I asked her little sister to pass me my crutches (she was about to get up to no good so I used this to distract her ) and dd1 rushed to go get them herself but an argument broke out between them .

I let them both take a turn each in passing me it (literally one brought it in, took it back then the other brought it in) Hmm

I praised them both for being good helpers but then she started being mean to her little sister . I carried on asking dd1 to help me and involving them both and the whole time she is being mean and aggravating her sister .

OP posts:
RockandRollsuicide · 05/07/2016 20:02

Op first of all - this lies with you - so dont blame her.

secondly I read somewhere that before each jump they do in development they have mini teenage years and get a little more difficult. My dd is a dream loved by everyone - however I too have noticed this arsey phase and have panicked but then it passes and she seems a little more grown up after.

As pp said it can also be a part of school issues. My DD took things out on me when she was having school issues.

I wouldnt make too much of her bad behaviour and certainly never say to her "your so selfish" because your reinforcing the negative.

Keep saying positive things " you are such lovely sisters you are so kind to each other" etc etc etc.

They are still tiny and its hard to have empathy when your that age...

BumpKitty · 05/07/2016 20:04

Sounds very familiar, mine are 5 and 2, the 5 year old is exactly how you describe your Dd1, and my littlest one is completely different very laid back and seems to have more natural empathy than her elder sister has ever shown. It's so hard not to say, your little sister knows how to share... etc. I wish I had some advice. I know my mum said I was similar and I grew out of it. I am trying very hard to follow through on punishments, so if she is rude she gets a warning then if she does it again it's immediate either naughty step or toy taken off her. I'm not sure if that is working or not. I know she behaves well at school and at friend's houses so she does know how to behave.

Original poster
PetitPoisPants · 05/07/2016 20:04

When you say ignore the bad behaviour - do you mean completely ignore it and not address it at all?

Genuine question !

What about rudeness / back chat and shoving things at me? Do I move away and tell her no then ignore ?

She also gets right up in my face and pushes herself hard on me in anger Hmm

I move her off and tell her off for this - usually resulting in her being sent to her room.

OP posts:
Pearlman · 05/07/2016 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peppatax · 05/07/2016 20:05

RockandRollsuicide - how is it the OP's fault?!

Original poster
PetitPoisPants · 05/07/2016 20:06

RockandRoll what do you mean it lies with me and don't blame her ?

Are you saying my parenting has caused this ?

Dd2 is the complete opposite and they are parented in the same way ....

Also , I don't "blame" her .

OP posts:
peppatax · 05/07/2016 20:09

I think second children are inherently better at sharing OP but I guess it could be a personality thing rather than development. This isn't a bad thing but again I think you're right to address it

SharkSkinThing · 05/07/2016 20:14

petis ignore the unhelpful comments.

Ignore what you can, it's only human to react to our kids when they push our buttons! I still have to shut myself in the kitchen and count to 500 10 when DS is being challenging!

Someone told me once 'no audience, no performance ' and it's always stuck with me. It does work but you have to be saint to ignore everything!

Cut yourself some slack and remember it's also the end of term. My DS is shattered at the moment. 🍷

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 05/07/2016 20:22

I think young children like to test their boundaries and see how far they can go, what they can get away with. Don't be afraid of telling her off and not only correcting her behaviour but making her realise that her actions will have a consequence.
Make sure you follow through with any threats and be consistent. Children actually love having clear guidelines and boundaries and feel more content and secure.

How about sitting down with her and thinking of some house rules together which you can display on the wall?

She might be feeling a bit unsettled if you've been in hospital or her usual routine has been a bit disrupted. It's funny how 6 year old's minds work.

Good luck with it all and hope you're back on two feet soon Flowers

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 05/07/2016 20:35

None of what you are saying sounds 'bad'. I wouldn't over-react. I would also be careful of painting your younger DD as 'the good one'. This is probably a phase for both of them.

April229 · 05/07/2016 20:37

Mine is too young for these problems yet so I've no experience, but I think it is important that you pick up the poor behaviour every time, so whether it's a phase, an issue at school or anything else that it doesn't go without consequence, calmly giving her time out / sent to her room whatever you do, even if you feel it's not helping. Realistically if she behaves like this with friends, teachers, other family members now, or when she is older there will be issues so it's unrealistic not to let her think it's ok to behave like this even once.

Also even if it's a reaction to something being difficult for her she has to learn, as we all do, that it's not a reason to be unkind to other people because that will not help her when she is older either. Sorry OP sounds like you know all this and you are bang on with the praising good behaviour and call out the bad stuff. I think you're doing the right things and I hope it passes quickly 🌺

serin · 05/07/2016 20:41

"This too shall pass" was a piece of advice I was given on here years ago and held on to as my mantra.

She is at the end of the school year and is probably exhausted and on top of that she has probably been worried re your operation and might not have been able to articulate this.

You sound like a lovely mum, I think she will settle down in the summer holidays Flowers

CaptainCrunch · 05/07/2016 20:42

Please listen to EarlyNineties. I came on to post exactly what she said.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 05/07/2016 20:43

It strikes me that it's getting close to the end of term and lots of younger children seem to get to the end of their tether by this point. I think it's tiredness tbh.

I'm also not sure she is unbelievably selfish. You're on crutches and have had surgery. That can be unsettling for a little person. Her reluctance to take her bag might be tied to her needing you to be back to normal as quickly as possible - not because she's selfish but because she's worried.
As for the colouring books, if you said you were ordering them for you both then I think it would be quite natural for her to assume they belonged to her too.

With the sharing - are there things that she doesn't have to share? Toys or food that are just for her. I think it's important to have certain items that you can choose to share but you don't have to share them.

I wouldn't tolerate any rudeness but I think you have to try to move on from labelling her as 'unbelievably selfish'.

EarthboundMisfit · 05/07/2016 20:43

To me, this all sounds well within normal. Six is a difficult age. Stay firm, don't get drawn into arguments, this too shall pass.