More of a WWYD - unbelievably selfish 6yr old

[PetitPoisPants]

I'm out of my depth with my 6 year old dd behaviour and really need some advice

I love her to bits but she is becoming very selfish and rude and displaying "unlikeable" behaviour . I don't know how to handle it .

I know she sees my frustration when she acts this way and I try to praise even the tiniest good thing she does , but it's never enough for her - she always wants more . Of everything !

Examples :
I had surgery last week and I use crutches at the minute . On the way to school today I asked her to carry her own bag (I usually do it as she likes to run) . She huffed and puffed , spoke to me rudely , complained the whole short walk there and asked why she had to do everything

I explained that as I was poorly at the minute, she needed to help .

She has a real problem with sharing - toys and food mainly . Her little sister always offers her food but dd1 refuses to do the same .

If her sister comes out of school with a biscuit she's baked DD1 is in her face telling her if she doesn't half it she won't ever be her friend again

As dd1 won't share , it got to the point I told dd2 not to bother sharing either .

Both girls had a packet of crisps - we have been trying to encourage dd1 to offer things to other people (dd2 does this naturally) . Dd1 offered her sister and her dad a crisp - both took one .

Dd2 then offered dd1 a crisp - who sneakily took two then denied it and finally admitted she did because she had "lost two" and it wasn't fair !

She's starting to lie about silly things .

I thought she might need some one to one attention . Dd1 loves colouring. I told her I was ordering myself some adult colouring books and I'd love it if we could colour them in together . She was pleased - until she asked if the colouring books could be both of ours .

I explained they were mine but I'd love to share them with her and she can help me anytime . No. She wasn't happy - she wanted them to be hers too.

She also complained that I'm important and everyone is looking after me just because I've had surgery .

Her behaviour is exasperating and it goes on and on and on over every little thing .

Please help !

My 6 year old sounds very similar and her younger sister is much more laid back. I agree with rockandroll but took it to mean that's it's for me as a parent to navigate my way through supporting my 6 year old. Which is not meant to imply that you are not doing this. My 6 year old is worse when tired, when she is struggling with something at school, when there is change coming up etc. Basically when big feelings come up and she needs my support to manage them. She's infuriating and completely irrational at times and I'm no saint. I can be snappy and short with her but I do try to be patient and give her space to talk about stuff. I agree consistency and boundaries are important and avoiding shaming her behaviour.

Call her on it. Don't ignore bad behaviour, correct it and disengage.

She might be trying it on for a bit of extra attention-getting, but the superbrat schtick is no good. While you might put up with it, other people won't.

I don't personally think anyone really parents two children the same way - at least part of your interaction with your children is triggered by their behaviour and their reactions to you. I know I don't parent DD1 and DD2 in the same way - they are totally different characters.

I had some issues with my (also 6yo) DD1 recently. I just felt that she was constantly naughty and I spent all my time with her telling her off. It was exhausting and I couldn't understand why she was so rude and defiant when her younger sister (3yo) was so sunny and lovely. I had to conclude that DD1 didn't feel that I really loved her, or secure in the family. I think the little bits of bad behaviour just racked up until I was finding her such hard work that I didn't enjoy spending time with her, and I think she sensed it. I was on edge all the time when she was around and I think I was also guilty (still am, to some extent) of having too high an expectation of her behaviour.

Also, sometimes I forget that she is only 6 - she is tall and articulate and it is easy to attribute feelings and emotional maturity to her that would really be more appropriate for a teenager. I have to often remind myself that she is still very little. When she has a tantrum, usually it is because she is not being listened to. DH is not very good at listening to her, and has to be reminded to talk to her rather than just demand she does things 'right now or else' (simply because the results are better that way!!)

I now think DD1's behaviour has improved simply because she is happier. I used to cuddle and kiss DD2 much more, because she is a more naturally affectionate child and is always smiling and happy. DD1 was never much of a smiler, even as a baby, and she is much more guarded with new people and selective about who she offers affection to. I make a real effort now to never kiss or hug DD2 without showing some affection to DD1 at the same time. I honestly think this has made a difference. It took a while before DD1 started to warm up to having cuddles, but I think she did want them - she just is not the personality type to ask for more attention or love or contact. She will wait to be offered it. Once she knew it was available all the time, she was more receptive. This evening at bedtime she even told me she wanted cuddles, which never happens!

It sounds as though your DD might be like mine - a bit unhappy and insecure, and testing you to see if you really love her as much as DD2. It has taken me months of concerted effort to show love to DD1 but I think we are actually getting some results from it now. She is much happier, and her behaviour is directly related to how happy she is IMO. She still has instances (daily...) of not responding when I speak to her, or ignoring me when I ask her to do something, but I try so hard (not always successfully I admit) to keep things light, and to talk to her calmly and in a loving way. The effort is becoming less now because I do actually enjoy spending time with her and I feel she loves me back .

Children are a bit like puppies. Ignore the bad behaviour, reward the good behaviour, and eventually they learn that acting/playing up gets them nowhere.

I disagree with posters saying cut her some slack. Her behaviour is unacceptable and she needs to learn that.

So here's where the ignoring bit comes in. If she plays up re wanting something to be her's then you just say no and refuse to engage further on the matter. If she wines then she gets a warning "I've said no, so if you continue to wine then there will be no colouring at all, or no television after school or whatever consequence is appropriate and effective." If she continues then you follow through on whatever consequence you promised.

If you ask them to do something and DD2 does as she's asked then thank her and engage appropriately. If DD1 does as she's asked then you do the same. But if DD1 acts up then engage with DD2 and ignore DD1.

Also, if something becomes a bit of an obsession I.e. If she's made a point of saying something and going on and on and on about it so pushing your buttons, take yourself out of the situation for ten/fifteen minutes. By the time you come back she will have forgotten about it or you can talk about it rationally. It took me years a while to realise that if you get to a point of arguing about something it becomes a bit of a battle of wills. But walk away from the situation and child invariably becomes distracted by something else, and by the time you come back you can have the same conversation, but without the shouting.

And the key things to remember here are consistency and ability to follow through on consequence. Once she realises that "carry on with that and there's no " means exactly that and she's at real risk of genuine consequence, she will also realise she has choices. Behave and be included, or misbehave and lose out.

Please don't put her in time out or send her to her room alone. Agree with other posters such as couch- see it from her pov mums been away having an op, she can't rationalise it same way adults can. It's end of term like loads of pp have said. She's tired, everyone feels a bit frazzled. Routines are different. She needs your support not isolation or punishment. Boundaries etc yes but you can offer those while supporting her too and helping her to understand why she might be feeling this way.

OP -

You need to tell her exactly what she is doing, when she is doing it, why it is wrong, and that you are cross with her - as practically as possible. Obviously not on a busy road with scooters outside school etc. If you cant follow those steps because you are out just say "I'm not happy about that, it's hurtful and rude darling, I raised you better and we will be speaking about this further once we are home. You will have something taken away, you have the journey home to think about what you have done"

Don't be afraid to be honest about your feelings. It's a part of life to understand and appreciate other feelings other than your own, and parents who shy away from expressing themselves to their children are harming them in the long run.

Kids experiment with how much control they have in general - This ranges from how fast can I ride my bike to how much can I piss mum off to the extreme of how much can I bully this kid before they break.
As cringey as it sounds....sometimes kids need to know "who's boss" to be quite frank. A healthy power structure is vital when raising kids.

And no matter what - never forget hugs and kisses as the last thing she sees of you that day. I really believe in going to bed with a clean slate. My mum would often lose her rag (and I was beaten) but she's always come up to my room and sing to me and "make up" as it were. After she has been disciplined show her that you still love her. Tell her you know she can and will do better tomorrow. Tell her how much her little sister loves her and how special she is to everyone, so why does she waste time being nasty when she can be the best of herself?

It's a mix of chiding, discipline and encouragement.

Op

I feel for you, we are going through this with dd who has just turned 6, she is really sarcastic and awful and constantly making stuff up. She has turned into a little huffy puffy moaner.

It must be an age thing. Where has my adorable 5 yo gone?

Watching with interest

PS Was there a reason why the colouring books couldn't be both of yours? If you have bought expensive ones that you want to keep naice for yourself, could you buy some cheaper ones to be 'both of yours'? It sounds as though she wants to be able to share something with you that doesn't involve her little sister - could you let her?

I think emsyj's advice is spot on. Your DD is picking up the fact that you're tense around her and it's affecting her behaviour.

She's not 'unbelievably selfish' she's a little girl figuring the world out and not getting it quite right. It's your job to set her straight as kindly as you can.

She sounds just like my DD 6yrs and your other DD sounds like my eldest DD!

There is possibly stuff going on at school. Possibly a developmental change (the frontal lobe of the brain starts to grow at around 7/8 years old - the bit that wants more independence) - maybe pre-cursor to some of this. o

In essence, she sounds like she wants more "control". Bossy friends at school? May make her want to be the boss at home - either as a mirror or as a comfort (I can be boss at home even if I get bossed around at school). Or even if things are relatively balanced with friendships at school there is probably a lot of position jostling going on...ergo it is tricky to work out where I am at school - I want to be in control at home.

Just keep on keeping on. She is acting stuff out. It is natural. It is normal.

I would suggest the best way to do it is to pre-empt her desire for control. Go back to the "positive choices" (I think that is what they were called) for the toddler years. "Do you want to put your shoes on first or your coat" "Shall we have tea in the kitchen or the dining room - you decide".

Try and let her decide and control as many (appropriate) issues that you can. It is tricky - as often it takes a bit longer and causes a bit of faff - but she is screaming to be in charge somewhere - and to make her own decisions. So let her where it is appropriate. And maybe discuss some where it is less appropriate iyswim - talk her through what your decision making steps are. Maybe let her make a few mistakes.

Sorry this is long. This too shall pass (can you see I have been through it)

Keep on

Sharing is overrated. Everyone should have their own property that they don't have to share. What's the point of giving children something then force them to give it away?

Oh, and try and get her to talk about school/friends/who is in control. She may not realise what is going on - it maybe very subtle and she may not realise what is happening - once she does it may help her too.

Good advice from Wannabe, especially the third paragraph.

if my dcs kept going on about something, I would say No, then reiterate it if they carried on, and then tell them that I have said No already, and am not,listening to them anymore, and then steadfastly ignore them, and carry on with what I am doing.

Incidently, if she demands something, do,you ever give in and allow her to do what she wants. If so, you are inadvertently encouraging her to demand things, as she has learnt that by creating she will get what she wants. We have all fallen into this trap at some point.

She may be a little confused and worried by your recent treatment (hope,you are on the mend), and lashing out is her way of expressing it. However, that's no excuse for continued bad behaviour.

Sounds to me like there's a strong element of sibling rivalry going on and she thinks you're treating her differently/unfairly.

So, the crisps thing. You told her to share out 2 crisps, but her sister only had to share out one. You gave her an opportunity to make a direct comparison with her sister and she leapt at it, that's why she took an extra crisp to redress the balance in her mind.

The crutches fetching. You asked her to fetch them, her sister interfered, and she wanted to be the one to get the credit - not her sister.

The colouring books. You said it was a thing for you two to do. But when she wanted to solidify it with co ownership of the books (so you wouldn't do it with anyone else maybe) she couldn't have it.

To me she is after your attention in competition with her sister, which is a fairly common problem with siblings, especially the older sibling who may see the younger one getting away with more stuff and being treated as the 'cute' sibling whilst the older one has to 'do everything' maturely.

I'm not saying you are treating them differently and if you are it's probably age appropriate. What I'm saying is your eldest dd perceives it this way. That she gets different treatment.

Solutions? Tell her you love her equally. Try and treat them a bit more equally whenever possible eg the crisp thing - if one has to share to mum and dad, the other should do just the same. If you have to treat them differently because of age then explain to her why but consider babying dd1 a little bit too if she wants this sort of mummying eg falling over and wanting a cuddle.

I don't know what else to suggest but if you know that sibling rivalry and feelings that she is being hard done by is probably the root of the problem you can work out a few ways of dealing with it on a daily basis.

Ffs she is 6, you are being way ott about some minor and normal childlike behaviours. "Unbelievably selfish" , I thought I was going to read something awful.

Why are you forcing her to share her food? I don't understand why this needs to be a thing. My DD happily shares food, even though we've never asked her to, DS doesn't. His food, his choice. I don't like sharing food either. You shouldn't be forcing her to do this at all.

The 'I have to do everything' yep normal here, despite me being the one who does everything normally bar a few basic things, DS regularly says this. I just agree "yes poor you DS, you have to do everything yourself, I never do anything for you" he soon stops.

I send DS to his room for eye rolling and continuing backchat. I will tell him very firmly that I will not put up with disrespectful behaviour, I ask if he would do it to his teachers (hell no) so I say don't do it to me.

I think you are over reacting tbh.

Just wanted to add that she's actually told you what her problem is in terms of how she's feeling when she said that everyone is looking after you and treating you like you are important.....she's saying 'please treat me like I'm important'

I'm sure you probably do but she has a bee in her bonnet and what she'll be doing is looking for evidence that you aren't treating her like she's important/fairly. So she'll be pointing it out to you everytime. Be it food, sharing, treat days, how they play, who gets to sit next to you on the sofa etc etc etc

'how to talk so kids will listen...' is a fab book...you could sit down together and talk about what is getting to you the most and see if she has any ideas of how to resolve it?

Suggest the books 'siblings without rivalry' and 'how to talk so kids will listen'.
Essentially siblings should be treated as individuals and never compare them against each other. Treat dd1 as if dd2 never existed and vice versa. Kids like to know whats going on. I try to talk through new scenarios with my ds before we go into it.
Sharing is over rated. Do you like to share all your possessions? I'm guessing not with the whole colouring book saga. I'm confused why you offered to buy an adult colouring book to share, and then refused to share.
Repetitive and naughty behavior I manage by distraction to a different activity. I offer them positive attention and try to redirect any negative behavior while not making a big deal.
She's attention seeking and wants some love..

Keep an eye on it. My eldest DD started behaving like this at 6. She couldn't see any other point of view but her own and wouldn't share. Her younger sister was never like that. Age 8 she has been diagnosed with ASD

I would never tolerate the things you are saying she does, if my (now 10)d/d was slightly rude, eye roll, answering back, not playing or sharing with DS, l always pulled her up SHARPLY and immediately and tell her if it happens again there will be X punishment.

I always have caried out any punishment if needed although she rarely repeats as she knows l will!

I don't shout but am sharp and to the point, and expect an apology and would tell her so. I have always told her and DS how they should treat people and each other with respect and good manners and there will be no excuses.

Subsequently they have both learn to control their impatience and irritation most of the time and l rarely now have to impose any punishment, a reminder is enough.

I disagree that they will grow out of it/its just a stage .......why should you put up with rude behavior and lack of respect in your own home? l won't.

Everyone parents differently and my zero tolerance for obnoxious behavior may not be what you want to do, but l can take my two anywhere and know they will be polite, and well manered in almost all circumstances so for me it is so worth it ......l also like a peaceful happy house!

I came on to second everything ricketytickety just said.

She's vying for you attention and looking for evidence you love her sister more and (in her eyes) keeps finding evidence to back this up.

Don't obsess about the sharing thing. Also, do they get any time separately/with you alone?

harrypotter I completely disagree with "FFS she is 6" and this is normal behaviour !

Yes, some of it may be , but when it is constant it needs addressing .

And yes her behaviour is selfish - but I do expect some degree of it as part of development at her age - this is why I'm looking for help to address it in age appropriate ways .

She gets sent to her room as a last resort - we try to use 1 2 3 magic - after 3 and a consequence and she still doesn't listen , she goes to the step or her room if she still refuses .

Last night for example , she was asked to take her plate in to the kitchen which is right next to the dining room - she didn't want to do it .

So she started being rude , banging her fork on the table and refused to stop . I told her if she didn't stop she would lose her bedtime story - I gave her to the count of 3 . She didn't stop so she lost her story.

She then stormed up to me - I asked her to be careful of my sore (newly operated on) leg - so she deliberately nudged my leg !

I don't think this is acceptable or kind behaviour and I can't let it go .

I'm very concious of the fact that she may be jealous of her sister , so although she lost her bedtime story , I still sat with her alone and listened to her read her school book and cuddled her .

That's when I mentioned the colouring books . The reason I didn't allow her to think they were hers is because I'm trying to get her to see the joy in sharing and being kind to others . I told her how excited I was for her to help me etc. I'm trying to address the fact the she wants everything for herself.

To clarify the crisp incident - dd2 also gave away 2 crisps - one to her sister and one to dad . Dd1 took 2 of dd2 crisps to make up for the 2 she "lost" - it was done sneakily and when simply asked if she took 2 - she lied to my face !

I don't make them share everything - they have their own things which are not shared . The issue is dd1 likes to share her sisters stuff but will keep her own for herself - I don't think this is a nice trait to develop .

Thank you so much for the advice . I'm going to look up the books and put some of these in to force today

It's a developmental phase . Yep, another one!

In fact, it's so typical of 6 year olds that it was in a child development textbook I once read. You just need to stay cool and calm, discipline as you normally would and keep your boundaries strong.

Tanith you agree it does need to be addressed though? I'm not overreacting ?

It seems most pp's would address it too which boosts my confidence a bit .