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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bridesmaid has gained weight and can't fit into dress

341 replies

StressedOutB2B · 05/07/2016 16:31

I am getting married in 2 weeks. I have three bridesmaids my sister and two adult friends. All the bridesmaids had a dress fitting 3 months ago thy had a say in their dresses etc and all was fine. The dresses were £260 each I paid obviously.

Today the dresses were delivered and one of the bridesmaids has gained so much weight she can't fit into it and it's cutting her under the arms and won't do up at the back. Straining to do it up she ripped a seam. Ok these things happen but now she wants me to pay for a new dress the other one can't be taken out enough. She's not pregnant in case anyone asks she is a yo yo dieter.

I don't see why I should pay another £260 for her dress she doesn't want to be out of pocket but I think she's being ridiculous and now she's refusing to speak to me and said I'm fat shaming her. I think she should at least offer! Who is BU?

OP posts:
thepothasboiledover · 05/07/2016 20:52

Dont pay for it OP. The sour taste it will leave in your mouth will run the risk of overshadowing the happiest day of your life Hmm

Itsaplayonwords · 05/07/2016 20:53

I wouldn't pay it given her last text. It is your wedding and it was your choice to have her as a bridesmaid and to pay £260 for her dress. It wasn't "your choice" for her to put on weight and have to pay out more money to have her in your wedding.

I'd tell her that you can't afford it either what with paying for "your wedding and your choices" so it's down to her to pay for the additional expense, or don't be a bridesmaid.

EarthboundMisfit · 05/07/2016 20:57

She's not thinking rationally, OP. At the moment, I doubt she cares if she's in the wedding or not. She'll regret it later, and probably try to 'fix' things somehow...or if you cave and shell out, she'll act like it never happened to make herself feel better.

Unfortunately for you, she's caused upset either way. It's not your responsibility. Take whatever course suits you at this point, she's going to be upset either way, make it easiest on yourself.

finova · 05/07/2016 20:58

Suggest she puts any money she intending to spend on a gift towards alterations.

Hereforthebeer · 05/07/2016 20:59

Are the BM dresses bespoke. Why can't you just get the size up? Then no one has to pay?
If not I'd just say to her, 'look, i've got so much to sort out can I leave this with you, (as one of the wedding party/my supportive bridgesmaids) to sort out' Then she can either step down, get an alteration or wear it.. you don't need to think about it.

Sonders · 05/07/2016 20:59

I had this from a co-BM at a wedding earlier this year. We were wearing cheap-ish (in the scheme of weddings) dresses made in China, bride asked us to give her sizes and she'd buy at least one up, if we were between sizes we should go 2 up.

The whole idea was to guarantee we had more fabric than we needed and get them altered in the UK.

I'm a size 14 so asked for a 16, other BM is at least the same size as me, but asked the bride for a size 10! Bride ordered a 14 anyway, only for it to arrive and be too small - miles to small.

Other BM went a bit mad at bride, bride took dress to get altered, there wasn't enough fabric. Bride bought new dress (size 16), still a bit too small with the seams let out but not enough time to re-do the back.

On the morning of the wedding, other BM was the last to get ready as she was being bridesmaidzilla from hell. When it came to getting into her dress, it took 3 of the BMs to squeeze her in, I'm not sure if she put on weight but she could have tried some support undies or something.

She then asked me if we could swap dresses because I must be wearing hers (even though my dress had my name pinned to it, and I'm at least 4 inches taller and my dress was much longer, and you could see where my dress had been taken in too).

She went crazy, insulting the bride, having a go at me, saying the mother of the bride was out to get her(?!) and was just the worst person possible to be around. When the bride walked in she just shut up and didn't say another thing about it - it was so bizarre!

stopitatonce · 05/07/2016 21:01

Well I don't like the fat-blaming (if not quite fat-shaming) on this thread. Maybe she has been ill? Has an eating disorder? Is taking medication where weight gain is a side effect? Has been just plain miserable and has been comfort eating? People's weight changes, that's life. She is doing you a favour being a bridesmaid, she shouldn't be paying for alterations. I'd be really surprised if a dressmaker couldn't fix it. You can sack her as a bridesmaid over this if you like, but if I was her I'd think you were pretty horrible if you did.

DinosaursRoar · 05/07/2016 21:03

Send Adulting's message. You can't fix this if really what she wants is to disappear.

Longer term - get the wedding out of the way, see how she is with you afterwards. It could well be that this is the first time her disfunctional relationship with food has had negative concequences for anyone other than herself and she's really struggling to see her increased size as anything other than a problem for her. She's so focussed on how it makes her feel, she's not able to process that just this once, her binge eating has caused someone other than herself a serious problem. She's accusing you of 'fat shaming' because as far as she's concerned, the only person with a problem is her. But for the first time, there's a price on her personal vice (of £260!) for someone else to pay.

Unfortunately, you don't have time for her to sulk a bit.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 05/07/2016 21:07

Depending on how long this bridesmaid has been a 'friend' to you OP, you could do one of two things based on her last text message to you.

You could do
A - phone her and meet her face to face for a chat and say that you're not fat shaming her and you are hurt that she would think that of you. You paid for a dress that she is no longer able to wear on your wedding day and all the bridesmaids wear the same style dress. If she wants to remain part of the bridal party, then she must pay towards the cost of the alterations (seeing as how she didn't pay anything to get the dress in the first place
or B - phone her and meet her face to face for a chat and say that as she is no longer able to fit in to the dress and that she is not willing to put any money towards altering it to fit herself that you are left with no option but to ask her to step down from the bridal party and you would be delighted to have her as a guest to your wedding and then she can wear whatever she is happy wearing.

At this late stage in the preparations for your wedding day, I really feel that the above are the only options available to you.

However, someone else may suggest something else for you to do.

Whatever the outcome of this, enjoy your day!

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 05/07/2016 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EarthboundMisfit · 05/07/2016 21:11

Dinosaurs, I think you're absolutely spot on.

derxa · 05/07/2016 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 05/07/2016 21:12

You can sack her as a bridesmaid over this if you like

she doesn't "like"
The OP clearly never wanted any of this to happen, and didn't cause any of this to happen
And if the BM is determined to goad the OP into sacking her, there's nothing the OP can do about it at this time, even if she had the money and was willing to buy another dress

DinosaursRoar · 05/07/2016 21:12

Meant to add - it could well be that as far as she's concerned, the "problem" is that she has to wear a bigger dress. The problem is that she doesn't look as good. The problem is that she hasn't been able to control her eating. That's the problem - and by complaining about it, you are not helping with the problem, which is how shit she feels about having to wear a bigger dress.

She's too focussed on this version of what the problem is, she's not able to see that as far as you are concerned, the problem is the cost of the 2nd dress.

Unfortunately, you being sympathetic about her version of the problem won't make yours go away. Not sure how you get her to see your version of the problem and that actually you're not all that fussed about how she looks, more the cost and the stress of getting the dress fixed.

KC225 · 05/07/2016 21:12

I think you have been more than reasonable, offering to pay for a percentage of the alterations. She is still being 'chippy'. I am sure you need to be traipsing to a dry cleaners with a zillion other things on your mind.

If her 'condition' means she cannot guarantee her size for 12 weeks, why did she agree to it in the first place. Are you sure she still wants to be a Bridesmaid?'

The issue is not the weight it's the lack of responsibility and attitude, very 'me, me, me' when she should be supporting you, does she have form for this?

Windsofwinter · 05/07/2016 21:13

I would pay for the alterations, if your budget allowed it. We have budgeted this into the cost of the BM outfits; dresses are being made but there's always the chance they won't be an exact fit and I want my BMs to feel comfortable. I would not under any circumstances buy a second dress though.

EarthboundMisfit · 05/07/2016 21:22

Yep, she's projecting. She is ashamed and feels guilty and stupid, and when you articulate your perfectly reasonable concerns, what she hears is you telling her those things about herself too.

minatiae · 05/07/2016 21:23

might be a stupid/already answered question, but is it possible they've been given the wrong dresses and she's got someone else's? have you asked if anyone else's dress is a bit too big?

GarlicStake · 05/07/2016 21:37

I do feel sympathetic. Getting so much fatter that the dress your best friend's bought you for her wedding splits must come very high on the humiliation stakes! I can't think of much worse, actually - and I've suffered through a two-week skiing holiday wearing pants that split on day one, and had to be held on with safety pins for the rest of the time Blush

So I can understand her being arsey. It's a common enough dysfunctional reaction to feeling totally humiliated.

I hope you'll be able to talk her down and get her wearing a fixed dress, OP. Suspect this may not be feasible via text.

Good luck! And have a lovely wedding, whether your friend is a bridesmaid or a guest.

travellinghopefully12 · 05/07/2016 21:38

Does she perhaps have a psychological condition which leads to weight gain, or something you don't know? Not that you should pay, this sounds horrible all round.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 05/07/2016 21:38

YANBU. She sounds like hard work. Her condition?! Ffs. She's not ill!

Personally I'd sack her. You have offered more than enough and she just wants to stamp her foot and get her own way. My response to people like this is to refuse to engage and generally do the opposite of what they demand.

GarlicStake · 05/07/2016 21:41

I don't think it is a stupid question, mina. Any number of cock-ups could have happened, from mixed-up dresses through incorrect measurements, to a wrongly-made dress.

Hopefully OP will double-check with her mate that she doesn't fit the clothes she was wearing three months ago - if it is the shop's error, the shop will damn well have to fix it.

KissMyArse · 05/07/2016 21:43

I'd offer to pay for the alterations but it's clearly not possible to replace the dress within such a short time-frame.

I'd be a bit concerned that, having paid for the alterations, she still has 2 weeks to potentially put on more weight. Then you'd be back to square one but with even more money down the drain.

GarlicStake · 05/07/2016 21:43

Does she perhaps have a psychological condition which leads to weight gain - Yes, she's a yo-yo dieter. (Has an eating disorder.)

stopitatonce · 05/07/2016 21:44

But this is op's event, why should anyone else be investing any money in it? I get that it is inconvenient, and bridesmaid might be being awkward and defensive, but it isn't surprising - she's probably feeling humiliated. It just isn't reasonable to be cross about someone else's weight gain, people have their own lives going on. She presumably didn't put on weight on purpose, or damage the dress deliberately. It's the kind of mishap cost bride and groom need to accept. She isn't a caterer that op has paid and can make a claim against, she is a friend who is doing a favour.

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