Things DH does that make me want to scream.

[Reality]

LIGHT FUCKING HEARTED

When he hangs the washing on the rotary, he double spaces it 'so it will dry quicker'. It doesn't dry any quicker, it just means you can put less out.

He always uses the smallest possible pan 'to conserve energy' which invariably means the pasta or whatever boils over.

His floordrobe of worn once clothes. Why, for the love of god, why?

When he goes to the shop, he takes the 'exact' change that he guesstimates he'll need. Obviously this means he often comes back with missing items due to not taking enough cash.

He randomly drops to the floor and starts doing press ups or sit ups or planks or whatever his latest exercise thing is.

I love him to ends of the earth and back but bloody hell sometimes he baffles me.

AIBU?

Mine too is an absolute saint and does most of the cooking, all the financial stuff and is generally brilliant, bar the snoring and the inability to bin disposable contact lens wrappers and the half assed putting away the shopping. He's a bit pants at phoning people and often has to be forced to do it. He likes me to organise any workmen.

He sometimes forgets his work phone and I have to meet him or he picks it up from my work. God knows what he'll do when I move jobs!

Ha! DH says 'I was going to do that' to me while I'm doing a chore that has been waiting to be done for a while. Well, if that were the case, why not a) stop me before I've started doing the chore and take over or b) do the fucking chore in the few hours it was waiting to be done before I gave in and did it.

He stares into the fridge with the door wide open for ages, waiting for whatever food he's looking for to give in and jump straight into his mouth no doubt.

He also asks me "do we have X?" when he knows damn well we do. He means "can you pass me X?". The other day I was stressed and tetchy with family visiting and DD2 sick and miserable, and he asked me if we had any limes while looking at 3 limes on the kitchen counter. I passed them with a little more force than I'd intended . Luckily he has good reflexes.

I really do love him, and I have plenty of flaws that wind him up too of course.

Mine either talks over the TV or pauses it to say something, usually something boring or unrelated to what we're watching.

"Will I need a coat" what am I, your mum?

ANd actually I think I must be a man given how many of these faults are mine not my DH's

*Sceptimum

He has the loudest fucking yawn in the world. Sounds like a walrus having a orgasm.*

This made me snort out loud at work

Another one:
Family outings, all he has to do is eat breakfast, shit, shower, shave and dress.

I sort out the DC - breakfast, chase them around the house, wash them, dress them like I'm dressing an octopus, pack the changing bag, make lunches and pack these, I have a shower, start to get dressed, spot that DC have spilt orange squash all over themselves, so again chase them around the house, wash them, and dress them like I'm dressing an octopus, finish getting myself dressed, do my hair, throw on a bit of makeup. Hunt for and finally find the DC's coats and the missing shoe I put on them 30 mins ago. Finally check he's ready to go too, so go around unplugging stuff and turning off the lights and I put on mine and the DC's coats and we wait in the hall for him.

This is the exact time he pops out the back for a cigarette, and decides this is the perfect time to hoover out the car. Naturally these exertions with said fucking hoover require him to have another shower...

Never replaces loo roll

Uses dishcloth to wipe floor/bin then returns it to the sink
I am always telling him not to do this

I must have listed a thousand things by now! If I ever have a son, I am going to be quite firm about general tidiness/cleanliness

My dh does most of these. One think I'm glad to hear is that I'm not the only one it annoys. Dh would have me believe I'm just really fussy.

I've thought of another.
He buys and writes 3 cards a year; my birthday, Valentine's and our anniversary. All good.

Night before our anniversary, about 9.30 he asks "do we need anything from the co-op?" No I reply knowing that he's off to buy a card. Off he pops to see if they've got any bargains. Bless him!

Parking I'm rubbish at reverse parking. So if where both in my car I'll ask for tips as try and do it.

He does this as part of his job approx: 467854 times daily according to him. The manoeuvre not the tips.
Always goes like this
Him: straight forward
Me: me I can't I'll hit the car infront
Him: no go STRAIGHT FORWARD
Me:
Never mind I'll park elsewhere.
Makes me want to pull his toenails out.

He never understands any program we're watching, mostly because he's fucking around on twitter and half watching.

queenbeen... flick through the channels manually using the up / down buttons rather than selecting the whole grid view

Mine does this too and makes me want to murder him the volume changes etc with channels is so bloody it rating!!!

Am also sorry but 30% on the planner is criminal... I am the warden of the skybox here and have come out in a cold sweat at the thought of 25%!!

'He never understands any program we're watching, mostly because he's fucking around on twitter and half watching'

This drives me utterly demented too. He's surgically attached to his phone. We can't enjoy any programs or films together any more because his attention span has been ruined by that damn phone

We're on 16% at the moment which is great for us, it's normally under 10% The memory is full almost entirely of old formula 1.

Today he clipped his toenails over the bath. While I was stood in it having a shower.

I stood and looked in disbelief before asking him what the fuck he was doing. He looked all hurt and confused, like it was perfectly normal.

He doesn't get on with his boss, we have to dissect every conversation ad infinitum. The verdict is always, yes, he's a cock.

He does the slow getting ready thing.

I spend my life picking pants up from every room in the house.

I do love him though, so I forgive him a lot.

apocolypse I do the tv show thing. Turns out I'm faceblind so don't recognise the characters if they change their clothes, hair or context... Maybe your OH is the same.
I found out helping my friend with her university project as a 'control' - I got the worst score in the whole group :/ OH had always just thought I wasn't paying attention....
There's online tests you can do but I don't know how accurate they would be.

Asks me "have you got?" when what he means is "fetch me the" so for example the other day he needed to stick something down "have you got the sellotape?" me quite sarcastically "oh yes here it is right in my pocket just in case you needed it.....WHY would I have the sellotape" him "hmph" me "feel free to fetch it from the drawer ITS ALWAYS BEEN KEPT IN"

Doesn't wring out the dishcloth/facecloth before hanging it up, so its literally dripping. I call him in to ask why didn't you wring it out, it will get smelly, he says, I did, I can't get any more water out of it, I wring out like a cupful of water in front of him while asking why a strong healthy man can't do that, but me with carpal tunnel due to pregnancy can? Oh I don't know he says. I keep threatening that I will wring it out over something he cares about if he carries on!

Stomps around the house - he's so skinny, only weighs about 10 stone yet if he's upstairs and I'm downstairs he sounds like a herd of elephants! I keep asking him to put his feet down quietly, but no.

Surgically attached to his phone when I'm with him, yet if I'm out and he's at home and I ring him, never answers!!

He often has work to do on his laptop in the evening. Will pause to start a conversation with me. So he says "oh, hmm, so tomorrow we should do xyz" me "well no actually I don't agree, I think it would be better to do abc" him typing away and staring at screen me "why are you ignoring me?" him "I am WORKING, you can't keep interrupting me" me "oh so you can interrupt your work to speak to me but I'm not allowed to answer??!" it's also fine for him to stop working to watch a goal in the football or play the stupid star wars game on his phone....

When dh gives me directions, he insists on using compass points - ie:

Him: "Come out of the station and go south along the road"
Me: "Is that left or right?"
Him: "South"
Me: "Do I go left or right?"
Him: "Go south, love"
Me: "DO I FUCKING GO LEFT OR RIGHT? ARGHHHHHHHHHHH"
Him: "There's no need to snap!"
Me: >

He doesn't do this any more - well, I don't ask him for directions any more. I use sat nav or Google maps.

Leaving crisp packets, pop bottles, dirty tissues everywhere in the house and never in the bin. Finally I started retaliating by leaving crisp packets, tea bags, pop bottles, water bottles, food packaging, empty toilet rolls, dirty tissues etc. All around the house. I even dumped some on the kitchen floor. He got the message. Now he puts his rubbish in the bin, except when he stays up late and reverts to his old habits by leaving them in the lounge, albeit pushed under the sofa...????

I came on here to post the rather short list I had mentally compiled about my DH, but having read the thread, I have come to the conclusion that I am actually the annoying and irritating spouse. DH must really love me!

Mine is generally pretty wonderful - he does all the housework and I am very thankful for that, but....

He hangs out washing wrong. Anything stretchy will probably be suspended from one point so it gets a really bad pull or stretch, usually in a really noticeable place. I usually have to rearrange it all. My mum's the same though, she leaves sleeves all bunched and stuff.

He cannot choose a parking space, we will do a whole circuit of the car park, passing many perfectly good spaces till he ends up somewhere really ridiculously far from the doors squeezed between two big cars.

Oh and he has a really weird acceleration thing when he's driving. He doesn't maintain even pressure on the pedal he sort of speeds up a little bit and then eases off but not in a very marked way so it feels a bit strange and is slightly irritating.

He also refers to "the ring road" and so on, rather than giving it a name. I've spent 10 years saying "WHICH FUCKING ROAD?" because I never know which one he means.

Spoons and tea drips left on the worktop.

He can't put away washing up that is non-standard - so baking trays or plastic tubs stay out till I've put them away. We've lived in this house exactly the same length of time, he knows where they are to get them out but apparently doesn't put them away in case he "does it wrong". Pffffffffft.

He doesn't seem to replace loo paper when it's getting low - in fact no-one else does.

Oh and he has a whole room for his stuff (mostly bits of paper) - and when I suggested that this was why my things were all over the house rather than gathered in one place he actually said "but you have the kitchen". I didn't let that one go! I've also claimed half the room for my hobby!

But mostly he's great and I try not to sweat the small stuff!

dh always talks about offside and nearside lanes when directing me...no fucking idea what that means....i am not that hot on right and left tbh, but that's because of my job

he also uses the phonetic alphabet, that's from his job, but I always want to stab someone mercilessly to death when they use it in every day chatter.

Oh the toenail clipping thing - mine left some on the back of the toilet earlier, I actually did scream! The neighbours probably think I'm crazy now