Things DH does that make me want to scream.

[Reality]

LIGHT FUCKING HEARTED

When he hangs the washing on the rotary, he double spaces it 'so it will dry quicker'. It doesn't dry any quicker, it just means you can put less out.

He always uses the smallest possible pan 'to conserve energy' which invariably means the pasta or whatever boils over.

His floordrobe of worn once clothes. Why, for the love of god, why?

When he goes to the shop, he takes the 'exact' change that he guesstimates he'll need. Obviously this means he often comes back with missing items due to not taking enough cash.

He randomly drops to the floor and starts doing press ups or sit ups or planks or whatever his latest exercise thing is.

I love him to ends of the earth and back but bloody hell sometimes he baffles me.

AIBU?

I never wear tops more than once. I'll wear the same jeans for a few days but these get folded and put over the end of the bed.

I have found my people!

Dh never listens to a word I say. Never. Not even if he has asked me a question. For example, he'll ask me what's for tea - and I will tell him. 10 minutes later, 'What's for tea, love?' 'The same fucking thing as was for tea when I answered your fucking question 10 minutes ago, dear heart!'

He does the faffing round when leaving the house thing too. He marshals us all out of the house, so we are either sitting in the car, or standing by it, and then he vanishes back indoors for bloody ages, doing I know not what, whilst we sit or stand around like Piffy on a Rock Bun waiting for him.

The children used to use me as Google too - but I put a stop to that by telling them to use their own brains instead of mine.

Another one, inspired by Spice. Wipes kitchen tops with out properly rinsing the cloth in hot water, to create a smeary trail of half-arsedness.

Exists?

YY to double spacing the washing. Though mine prefers to triple space it so it dries properly. doesn't bother him when it comes to hanging up his towel which doesn't get folded but scrunched up between the wall and the heated towel rail. It then doesn't dry properly so he will happily use MY carefully folded dry towel and leave me muttering. Teatowels get scrunched and left on the work surface next to the bloody hooks. And why is it always my job to do all the house admin, buy presents for his family or arrange repairs or quotes?

However, he does all my ironing, is generally tidier than me, and is absolutely lovely in every other way...

DH this morning 'Where have all my trousers gone?'

What am I actually meant to reply to that?

Washes the cutlery and leaves it horizontal on the draining board NEXT to the cutlery drainer.
Puts his shirts in the wash still buttoned up. (So that's how he gets them back +unironed)
Leaves his teeth out at home yet puts them back in to drive a fooking truck all night and speak to no-one.

I actually feel incredibly reassured that it isn't only my Dh with these annoying habits, can't believe others are almost identical !

Floordrobe
Dirty clothes dropped next to Floordrobe
Wet towels dropped other side of Floordrobe
Deciding to give hair/face a quick shave in front of the bedroom mirror over the bin, completely oblivious to the fact that small hairs fall anywhere but
Toothpaste splattered all over bathroom sink and mirrors after one brushing session
Not putting anything away after using it
Stepping over dd's toys while I'm putting her to bed rather than putting them away
Leaving used cups and food wrappers on the side rather than putting in sink/bin
Leaving used plates on side rather than rinsing in sink
Never washing up
Never emptying bin, just cramming it to bursting point
Squashing down cereal packets and pushing them into the bin instead of leaving it in the recycling pile!!
Saying he's ready to go put then when I walk out door, dashing upstairs to brush teeth, change top etc
Never cleaning up after himself after cooking
Saying he'll do xyz in the house then never doing it until maybe 10pm and you can bet it will be noisy
Forgetting to tell me really important things but chats away incessantly about stuff that is irrelevant
Keeps bringing in "bargains' that we neither need or have room for

Oh my but I could go on!!

Babysafari, I'd forgotten that my DH starts talking to me while walking out of the room, into the hall and round the corner into the kitchen or upstairs, talking all the time and completely oblivious to the fact that I couldn't hear even half of it!

He is also an indecisive car parker. I like to drive into a parking space, he thinks I should reverse in. My logic is if the boot is outwards it is more accessible to get shopping in. His logic is it is easier to drive out if the front is outwards and ease of boot access didn't figure.

I have yet to stop the balling up of pairs of inside out socks in the laundry basket, surely they don't get washed properly in a tight bundle? So I have to split them up. I suppose they do at least make it to the basket.

I fold once worn clothes and put them inside my wardrobe or on top so they're or of the way somewhere.

I have managed to train my DH out of some bad habits, mainly the ones that hadn't occurred to him were irritating.
Like someone else's DH, he used to roll his worn pants and socks inside his shirt, then put them in basket. To his mind, this was tidy.
When I pointed out that this meant that I had to shake every item of clothing to ensure black socks were not trapped inside white shirt, he actually stopped doing it.
Ditto chucking dirty socks scrunched up in ball into basket. Now he flattens them out so they wash and dry properly without me having to unscrunch them.

Sadly the crumbs on worktop are resilient to training

....talking to me in a normal volumed voice when he's upstairs at the other end of the house
So I'm shouting "WHAT? WHAT?!" and he he's annoyed stomps to the top of the stairs then crossly talks louder

Tells me 'you didn't say/tell me that' when what he really means is 'I didn't hear/misheard/forgot.'

Glad I'm not alone in floordrobe situation. I just chuck it all in the washing basket, which is 2 feet away from his side of the bed. If he didn't want it in there then it's tough.

DP is generally quite good, although he takes a million years to do a chore when I ask him to help. I had to wait a whole week for some hoovering last month.

If he is helping me prepare a meal for say a big lunch or a dinner party. He starts reorganising my kitchen. I time everything to the last minute so when he starts defrosting freezers and relocating serving dishes it gives me the quiet rage. He's very good but too detail obsessed. That said he has NEVER EVER left as much as a sock on the floor for me to pick up.

DH (from upstairs): Where is X?
Me (from downstairs): Where it usually is, in the cupboard.
DH: (Pokes in cupboard for 0.1 milliseconds). It's not there
Me: It is there, I saw it this morning
DH: (Pokes in cupboard for a further 0.1 milliseconds). It's not.
Me:
DH: (The moment I enter the room). Oh, I found it now.

To be fair I am the contact lens packaging offender in this house and leave cupboards open all the time!

One thing that genuinely baffles me is that DH and DS seem to create a massive amount of 'sock fluff' and then trail it round the house when they have taken their socks off. They just wear normal socks, as do I, so why doesn't this happen to me?!

DH often does not answer me unless I ask a very obvious question.

So if I say "DD drew a picture of an elephant today" I get nothing. Silence.

Ok I didn't ask a question so technically no answer required. But how am I supposed to know if he has heard me or not? Surely he could at least grunt or say "oh right" or something.

It's like talking to a bloody brick wall.

We have a chairdrobe. Drives me bonkers.

Starts talking to me as soon as I walk out of the room. Any room. I am hearing impaired. He knows this ffs!

Randomly expects me to know where something, anything is. This is because he's left it on the window/cupboard/sofa arm/dining table/radiator and I'll have tidied it up.

Still really love the annoying bugger tho!

Ooooh just thought of another one. Mine can't seem to watch tv programmes/films without assistance. We like crime/thriller type stuff so conversations go like this

DH: Oh my god! Who is that?!
Me: That's the husband. I said it would be him. Do you not recognise him?
DH: Are you sure it's him?
Me: Yes. We just saw him in the previous scene. And most of the ones before that.
DH: Oh. Who is he killing? Is it a new person?
Me: It's quite clearly the wife.
DH: Right. Oh my god. Who is that?! What are they doing?!
Me: That's the detective. Whose been following the killer. And is now apprehending him. We've seen him before too.

God help me if the plot is more complicated than that....I tried to explain GOT to him once, he did his 'worried face' and said he liked the battle scenes.

I've thought of another one ...... he leaves his shoes on the stairs. The shoe rack is at the bottom of the stairs. Drives me crazy!

I am ok with employ the sniff test on clothing. What I am not ok with is scooping the floordrobe of worn once clothing [often only between 7-10pm] straight into the laundry basket rather than sorting through them.
FFS wear the same thing for 3 nights and then stick it in the wash.

Do all men clean oily bikes/stuff in a nice white freshly ironed t-shirt or is it just my husband?

Wouldn't use a mixing bowl, will happily listen to a fork scraping on a cereal bowl won't dress the baby, he's to 'fragile', no decision making skills, the amount of effing times I've asked him when he's due and he's said 'not till later' I WANT AN ACTUAL TIME!!!!! And it infuriates me how he justifies being late!!!! Back at 2am? " I said I'd be early, 2 am IS early" thank fuck I LTB before I killed him.

Gosh my dh is a saint compared to this lot. He is not messy at all but two things that really bug me are, he is a noisy eater, and he is always promising to sort/fix stuff but never does it. Drives me mad. I am guilty of a few of these though, I faff a bit when leaving the house, I have a chairdrobe, and I scream when I sneeze. Oh and sometimes I will carry on a coversation that I have started in my head much to his bewilderment. I am pretty darn perfect otherwise though.

Oh my God, secret. The lids thing! Why? Just leaves them sitting on top, never twists them back on. Bottles of fizzy water ruined. Jars of relish gone off. Olive oil spilling everywhere... Funnily enough, it never happens with his whiskey!

Tea towels, madcap. Destroyed within minutes of putting them out. Ones I've had for years turned to rags days after moving in together. Stained, ripped, used to wipe God knows what...

Glad, though, reading this. I always assume that everyone else's house is a show home compared to mine. I don't feel so bad now!

Reminds me of the time too that my immaculately put together friend was showing me her lovely new house. Got to bathroom. Toilet covered in shite splatters. Teenage boys! She didn't even apologise & I loved her for it. None of our lives are perfect, I learnt that day!