Things DH does that make me want to scream.

[Reality]

LIGHT FUCKING HEARTED

When he hangs the washing on the rotary, he double spaces it 'so it will dry quicker'. It doesn't dry any quicker, it just means you can put less out.

He always uses the smallest possible pan 'to conserve energy' which invariably means the pasta or whatever boils over.

His floordrobe of worn once clothes. Why, for the love of god, why?

When he goes to the shop, he takes the 'exact' change that he guesstimates he'll need. Obviously this means he often comes back with missing items due to not taking enough cash.

He randomly drops to the floor and starts doing press ups or sit ups or planks or whatever his latest exercise thing is.

I love him to ends of the earth and back but bloody hell sometimes he baffles me.

AIBU?

Giving people my mobile number as he can't remember his. I can generally cope with this but not when it's a taxi waiting outside at 5.30am. And by outside, of course I mean, outside his hotel as he is away on business 🙄

DH does most of these. He asks if I'm ready to leave the house, and then decides he needs to find keys, wallet, phone and put his shoes on!

He also says 'not yet' when I've asked if a job's been completed. He says it in an exasperated fashion as if he was just going to start the job. But he says it if he's watching a DVD and shows no sign of moving.

He can't find anything, and shouts for me if his desired object doesn't leap up and announce itself.

tantrams I just read yours out to my husband and we are both crying with laughter!! He does this!!!!!

Doing a 'man look', not finding whatever it was he was looking for and then asking me, or, worse, accusing me of having/hiding it. Note the past tense...

On one occasion, he 'couldn't find' his car keys and naturally, I had hidden them Actually, as usual he had gone to bed ridiculously late the night before, failed to lock the front door and a thief had strolled in, taken his keys and nicked his precious Audi. Oh, how I laugh now.

Mine can't tell time, he rounds up. So I'll ask him the time, he'll look at the clock, see 7.35 but tell me it's 8 o'clock. Or he'll say he has to leave at 8.20 but at 8.03 will be in a mad rush to get out for 8.05. Very, very annoying.

He also has twenty billions pens hidden on himself that he finds throughout the day and leaves places. So he'll get in from work and take a pen out of his shirt pocket and leave it in the kitchen, take his trousers off upstairs and find one in the pocket so leave it in the bathroom, find one in his laptop bag and leave it in the living room... I totally lost it the other day and snapped one in front of him, I'm so sick of fucking pens.

DH's worst trait is being a spoony fucker (I think this is the correct mn term)? He wanders into the kitchen when dinner is almost done and randomly stirs sauces / gravy, may attempt to add some ingredient salt and taste things only to tell me what else they need / are lacking

YY to not being able to find things that are in front of his eyes

Also like to wear particular socks

Tattersail are you married to my DH? He also takes over putting the shopping away and declares it done only for me to find any drinks that aren't going in the fridge, root veg and cleaning / bathroom stuff just abandoned on the work top

I thought of another one. I come home, he's already home, and he says "if you're making one", I'm not.

btw - it was in a drawer in the living room. Not superglued to the underside of the freezer in the shed shielded by an invisibility spell and guarded by a griffin

I just snorted tea from my nose, and am okay with that - this is going to be my come-back next time DH 'can't find' something. Thank you Arf!

Takes his socks off and leaves them in whatever room he's in.

NEVER puts a new toilet roll on the holder. EVER. 10 years we've been together. You don't even have to unscrew anything.

Agree with the floordrobe/but I've only worn it once, (hangs on floor).

Oh, and most recently, hanging his suit trousers from the curtain rail, hooked over the end. It's odd, right?

Did I mention the toilet roll?

Never ever makes me a drink, but always accepts the offer of one if I'm making one - says "oh, go on then, I think I would like a cup of tea"

Never rinses out bottles for recycling, his logic being that the dustbin men wear overalls so if stuff spills on them it doesn't matter no problem if the bottle box is reeking of stale booze & all sticky

Collects half-worn clothes for ages then just as I've cleared all the washing before we go on holiday, fills the fucking laundry bin to the top with it all, as his final act before we leave the house

Only this morning:

Him: "Ouch! Ooh! Ouch!"
Me: "What are you doing???"
Him: "I've got coffee on my finger. Ouch! That's hot!"
Me: "Well, it would be! Try rinsing your finger under the cold tap and not in the boiling cup of water you just poured out from the kettle!"

And why was he dipping his finger in his coffee cup, I hear you ask (with as much incredulity as I did)?

Because the cold tap was further away - all of 2 steps, in fact. Plus he didn't want to waste the coffee.

Stonewalling and sulking.... complaining about housework falling by the wayside or kids being neglected if I've been doing a lot of work (but never dreaming of helping me clean fridge out or something 'hardcore'- just lots of passive aggressive bench wiping) . He'd complain about goal-setting etc when I wasn't pursuing career as well (although house was cleaner - seems he thought it happens by magic) so now I just know I can't ever get it right. He told me something very interesting recently ... his boss (of a year!) said to him "I know I can't ever make you happy" and I thought, yes, that's exactly it! For the past five days he's been sleeping on the couch in the spare room (of his own volition) because I harrumphed when he told my son he'll teach him to cook. Twice a year he cooks something other than pasta with sauce from a bottle and egg sandwiches.

Maybe not so lighthearted but some satisfaction in knowing that couch is damn uncomfortable and I never sleep better than when he goes into one of these strops.

He sulked when I laughed and agreed with his boss too...

He throws my stuff away if I have not used it in his eyes. Once this was my hairdryer!

Ohhhh

Looking for stuff - basically this involves standing in the middle of the room swearing that he can't find stuff. I then ask him if he has looked in a variety of places that are obvious, he swears he has, more swearing, more 'looking'.. and then 15 minutes later one of us will find it in one of the places I told him to look and he swore he had looked in.

Latest one being MY bank card - and he swore blind he'd checked his wallet, three times... i cancel card, request new one.... then guess where he locates it.

Of course it was in his wallet.

Swearing blind I said one thing when I clearly said the opposite - 'Do not open that door, I don't want the dog letting in'... so he opens the door and lets the dog in.

This one has to be genetic, his Dad is exactly the same... 'When you go out of the house, please make sure you don't put a coat or hat or something daft on before you come back in or you will freak the dog out'... (this is his normal method of carrying extra stuff hence me asking him not to do it!)...

He returns wearing THREE hats balanced on his head and an extra coat... dog freaks the fuck out at him. Twat.

I have to make food the way he likes it (fairynuff).. but he doesn't have to do the same for me.. so..

Him 'dont put garlic in that I don't like it.
Me: fairynuff. no garlic.

Me: please butter the toast to the edges/cut off the not toasted bits/don't make the eggs snotty it makes me gip...
Him: butters just the middle/leaves the raw not toasted bit on/leaves the eggs snotty 'if you don't like it do it yourself'..

He's having half a bulb of garlic in his spag bol tomorrow thats for sure!

Leaves his shoes by the front door, to be replaced by his slippers when he goes to work 😡

Hangs out the washing so badly it doesn't dry, or if it does dry it's badly creased so takes ages to iron

YY to the sky planner! What is it about 30% that causes the hysteria? Most of the stuff on there is his, mainly about WW2 or Hitler.

Offers to cook dinner, then proceeds to cook everything on the lowest possible temperature so it takes hours. I can knock up a spag Bol in 30 minutes, he will take 2 hours.

Won't do any basic DIY or maintenance around the house, it's a shit tip (but I suppose I could learn to do it)

Add to the equation 2 teenage kids who are both very untidy and disorganised.

It's a treat living in my house 😆

Creates a little "rats nest" of things on the side table by his chair in the living room. He's got bad sinuses and there's a big pile of used tissues. And sets his glass/cup/bowl there for hours or days unless I take them into the kitchen. I worked as a waitress for years and have a habit of taking dishes with me when going to the kitchen. He always reacts to this with an injured look and protestations that he'll do it, himself.

I leave kitchen cupboards open and frantically search my bag proclaiming that I've lost something that is actually in my bag. I do this every day.

Oh dear god.... I'm now thinking I'm a shit wife as recognising MYSELF in many of the complaints on this thread...!!!!

Oh and he has a really weird acceleration thing when he's driving. He doesn't maintain even pressure on the pedal he sort of speeds up a little bit and then eases off but not in a very marked way so it feels a bit strange and is slightly irritating.

DH does this and it makes me and everyone else I know very car sick. He has a silly boy racer car too so it makes it worse. I said something once and he got in such a strop, never again. I always drive now.

He shaves over the sink and always leaves hairs all over it. He says he 'can't get them all'. So guess who does?!

Aargh Game of Thrones. He insists on watching it, talking through the quiet bits when people explain why they do things, then spends the rest of the episode asking who everyone is and not understanding the answers.

When he is tired (quite a lot) he shuffles round the house sighing loudly and speaking in a whisper. Does my head in.

Taking his socks off in evening and leaving them in living room for me to deal with in morning.
Saying "I'll do X tomorrow", and never getting around to doing it.
Snoring.
At the moment, pretty much anything he does. 36 weeks pregnant and have a 2.5 year old too.

The shopping list.

If I ask him to go to Tesco for more than one item, I have to write him a list. Which is fair enough...but- he then proceeds to fold the list up to something the size of a postage stamp. Then once in the shop, to avoid the embarrassment of being seen with a list he kind of sneaks it out of his pocket and unfolds a tiny corner like it's going to explode if anyone fucking sees it.

Which is great. Because not only does this achieve the desired effect of no one else seeing the list, it means he cannot fucking read it properly either
He's in such a rush to put the fucking postage stamp sized list away that he literally glances at it for half a second then shoves it back in his pocket.

Also on the shopping theme. If an item is not in the place he Thinks is should he, then it doesn't exist. It just isn't there.

Under no circumstances will he ask a member of staff. Nor will he vary the list at all, so if there are no 4 pint containers of milk he will come home without any milk despite there being 1,2 and 6 pints

Texting me at work, to ask where something is. For example, Have you seen DC sun hat?!
No I haven't, I'm miles away at my desk..

we don;t have thank Sky thank goodness - DH would be bloody awful with it - years ago we had a television that could record stuff into its brain.

He's a real hoarder so within three or four weeks the thing was stuffed full with car-related shit programmes & then there'd be a huge song & dance if I wanted to record anything as he'd have to choose something to get rid of.

If he wanted to record something else himself it was just as bad - he'd agonise for ages hours over the relative merits of each thing & try to decide which to watch & delete - drove me nuts!