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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit sad that as soon as DS is in bed DP is straight on the computer?

79 replies

abbinobb · 04/07/2016 19:54

Pretty much every night, as soon as DS is in bed DP starts gaming and does that pretty much all night so doesn't speak to me at all.
I think it's a bit...rude? unsociable? or something like that i can't quite put my finger on it but aibu to be upset that this is pretty much every night?
We seem to spend no time together talking or even just watching the same thing on TV then at least you're spending time together, can talk about it etc.
If i mention it he says i'm not his mum and that i'm telling him what to do
It's like i have to beg for my own boyfriend to want to send time with me, and i fi did that it would be weird anyway i'd just feel like he'd rather be doing something else.

For context, he does help pretty fairly with DS and housework and we both work (him 4 days, me 3, usually different days to eachother so don't see a lot of eachother during the day)

It doesn't feel very..relationshippy, more flate-matey at the moment to me.

OP posts:

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 04/07/2016 20:08

I know how you feel. XH and I used to be like that. I'd have the TV on and he'd be on his laptop and when I mentioned something or drew his attention he was all "huh? oh, I wasn't watching".

DP and I tend to allocate a bit of laptop/phone time when we first sit down, then we both shut them down and watch TV together, chatting about it, cuddling etc. We have a 'no electronics in the bedroom' rule (except on charge so that he can use the alarm in the mornings) which helps to focus us on the important stuff!

YANBU to want some attention. If he's not interested in putting down his laptop and paying you some attention I'd be questioning how keen he is, sorry

branofthemist · 04/07/2016 20:08

If that's all he does I can see your point.

Maybe compromise.

Me and dh have very different tastes for TV so one is always bored. But I will read or go on the Internet in the living room, if he is watching something. And he will do the same if there is something I want to watch.

Personally I don't feel watching tc is spending quality time together. Maybe he feels like that too.

I love to chill out doing what I want when the kids are in bed. I am contemplating chilling out in the bedroom and having an early night. I won't stay in the room being bored if dh watches yet another weather documentary.

But he should spend some time with you as well.

You need to have a talk. Explain how your feel and don't demand he never goes on the computer or must sit every night watching TV if he doesn't want to. Find a solution together, that makes you both happy.

Original poster

abbinobb · 04/07/2016 20:17

I don't want to demand what he does etc but it is pretty much every night from the second ds is in bed, he puts his headphone/microphone thing on and goes on the computer,if I try and talk to him he can't hear me or gets annoyed at me for interupting.
He might as well not be here. Either one of us is at work or he's on the computer.

OP posts:

Bottomchops · 04/07/2016 20:25

The trouble is its addictive. If you have a chat and can come to an agreement you can set some rules.

Original poster

abbinobb · 04/07/2016 20:32

I've tried having a chat many times he just tells me I'm not his mum and he can do what he likes (true, he can but it would be nice if he ever wanted to even speak to me)

OP posts:

Bottomchops · 04/07/2016 20:45

No you're not his mum, you're his partner and you're not prepared to live this shitty lifestyle??? Alternatively get out the house in the evenings and live your own life. Meet friends, go to the gym, go to a class. His standards are too low. We're not into anything like that so it actually sounds ridiculous that he sits there with headphones and a microphone! Try and prevent ds from getting into it too; it's a waste of a life!

Mitel · 05/07/2016 10:39

Do you know what he is looking at that is so engaging that he is not talking to you?

This would be a big red flag to me. Is it a shared computer? Can you see whether the browser history has been deleted? I would speak to him now, or be prepared for him suddenly having to start "working late".....

Ifailed · 05/07/2016 10:46

agree that his behaviour is not very sociable, but then if the alternative is sat staring at the idiot box?
Maybe suggest something you can both do together - I don't know a game of cards etc. You (and by that I mean you two) need to talk.

Laiste · 05/07/2016 10:47

The fact that he is not prepared to meet you half way means there's very little you can do about this

I left my first husband because of similar circs.

Perhaps you should sit down with him and explain that you're seriously not prepared to carry on as you are.

ImperialBlether · 05/07/2016 10:50

He's gaming, Mitel.

ImperialBlether · 05/07/2016 10:52

What's the idiotbox, ifailed? If you meant the TV, there's tons of really good programmes on there. You don't have to watch idiotic programmes.

Original poster

abbinobb · 05/07/2016 10:54

He's gaming not doing anything dodgy mitel, I can see and hear him doing it.
I don't want him to watch TV in particular i was just using it as an example, what i meant was that even if he was just sat watching TV or whatever at least then you can speak to each other but if your gaming then your full attention is on that so it's like he's not even here

OP posts:

whois · 05/07/2016 10:55

Can you try to insitgate a 'date night'? One evening where you have a nice dinner when DS is in bed, watch a film, play a game or something?

DavetheCat2001 · 05/07/2016 10:59

I have to admit that OH and I often do separate things after our DC have gone to bed. I'll often have my laptop on and maybe watch something on tv, and he'll do his music software stuff on his laptop.

It doesn't really bother me to be honest as we are both so knackered after a day at work/day at home with my 2 year old a couple of days a week, I'm quite happy to slob out and not communicate too much!

We do still have chats though, and I can see how him plugging himself into his headphones and mic is taking it to another level.

Not sure what you can really do though when he has already been quite shirty with you mentioning it.

Original poster

abbinobb · 05/07/2016 11:01

I could try but I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me ever so it would be awkward cause I know he'd rather be playing his games online with his mates.
I'm not sure he even likes me to be honest,even in the day he's on his phone playing games all the time and if I try to talk to him he just sort of goes "mm hmm yeah" and that's it, it's like talking to a brick wall.
We went to the cinema the other day(first time we have done something in ages), we live a 5 min walk away so we literally went to the cinema, walked back home and as soon as his dad left he was straight on the xbox. It just feels like he's always rather be doing something else.
It used to be different we'd go out to the cinema and dinner then come back and have a few drinks and a laugh or whatever, now he's just either on his phone, xbox or computer. Even in bed it's headphones on and watching stuff on his tablet. I sound really needy but I'm not, I like my own space and time too but not all the time.

OP posts:

imwithspud · 05/07/2016 11:17

Me and DP often sit in the living room of an evening doing different things. I like to play on the Playstation sometimes, he likes his Football game on the laptop... we usually have Netflix or something on in the background. It works for us but then again we don't use headphones so we can still chat and have a laugh and sometimes help each other out if we're struggling on a game or what ever...

DP sometimes listens to his music using ear phones too, but it's only every now and then so doesn't really bother me.

With your DP it's not so much the gaming that would bother me, more the fact that he's essentially cutting you off by using headphones and having a go at you if you interrupt. That is not okay and if talking to him doesn't work then I would be considering my options.

NapQueen · 05/07/2016 11:21

We generally do separate things of an evening but as the dcs eat their dinner early dh and I always eat dinner together and watch something with it (we agree on very few TV shows so it's a choice of Corrie, Dinner Date or a survival/outdoors show).

After that we each do whatever we prefer as downtime.

I don't see an issue with separate hobbies in an evening however all evening and every one is too much. Can you set aside time as soon as DS is down to either eat together/watch a movie/play a game then an hour of that and both free to do whatever you both want.

YvaineStormhold · 05/07/2016 11:24

Why are you with him?

Seriously, if my DP brushed off my feelings as heartlessly as yours, he'd take his headphones and mic off and turn round to find me gone.

"You're not my mum"?

What is he, 12?

oldjacksscrote · 05/07/2016 11:29

We have a no phones/iPad rule between 7 and 9 since having children, means we get a chance to sit and talk or watch a film together.
Although most days at the moment i'd rather sit and stare at my phone than talk to him.

Flacidunicorn · 05/07/2016 11:33

It begs the question then, why stay?

I have simplified world view, that simplified view extend to everything, including relationships.
Your partner should add to your life, make you happier, make life easier if they dont then they shouldnt be your partner.
It doesnt sound like this man is making your life happier, easier, better, it sounds like he making it harder, lonlier and more angsty (is angsty a word?) Iyswim.

mummymalta · 05/07/2016 11:38

Be nice, it takes two to tango in a relationship. Yes he's on the laptop, but you are also watching the TV etc. If he shrugs you off when you actually want to do something then fair enough. Sometimes people just don't have much in common anymore and have nothing to say to one another. When I come in there a bunch of stuff for DH and I to talk about etc. Sometimes people fancy doing different things in their after work time. For example even if he is on his laptop, little signs of affection like resting your feet on his lap maintain a level of intimacy. Lets say he got off the laptop....what would you talk about.....what would you do? Sometimes it's easy play a blame game when practically there are some quite obvious issues
When I say blame game I don't mean this is a game to you, I mean it's easy to go back and forth about the playstation, or the laptop, or the TV, but in reality with these things gone whats actually left?

mummymeister · 05/07/2016 11:39

This isn't a relationship is it. its a place of convenience for him. why carry on with this? It isn't about spending time in the evenings doing separate things, most people do this at some point during the week.

its about never interacting directly with you. so why are you bothering? Turn the wifi off one evening, sit down with him and tell him this. tell him that your relationship is on the line so this needs sorting out. he is literally spending every free hour not with you - this isn't a hobby its an obsession.

the sitting in bed bit, that's what would have done it for me tbh. Deal with it now or put up with it because he is never ever going to change unless you confront him.

mummymalta · 05/07/2016 11:44

abbinobb What do you try and talk to him about? Is it mundane house / kids stuff or is it real conversation? If it's real conversation and you're making a real effort then he is obviously not interested in you, or your relationship to be quite frank. You deserve better for your life, and quite frankly so does he. Your partner is supposed to be your best friend. Me and my DH have been through a complete shit storm lately but dialogue dialogue dialogue is the key! And if he genuinely has nothing to say to you then you should separate. In relationships once interest is gone it rarely rarely comes back. Fighting is one thing....lack of motivation or interest for your partner is another.

mummymalta · 05/07/2016 11:48

mummymeister How do you confront someone to pay attention to you when they clearly don't want to? Genuine question, not being cheeky at all :)
It's sort of beating a dead horse isn't it? He clearly does not want to, and is aware of what he is doing. I always find that giving men these types of ultimatums is just masking a real problem; We've grown apart. Talking to your wife and paying her attention should be effortless. Bills are hard, kids are hard, heath issues are hard.....General conversation and attention? Not so hard. The innocent (despite being hurtful) lack of desire to speak to your spouse can't be fixed :(

braxit · 05/07/2016 11:49

LTB definitely

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