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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit sad that as soon as DS is in bed DP is straight on the computer?

79 replies

abbinobb · 04/07/2016 19:54

Pretty much every night, as soon as DS is in bed DP starts gaming and does that pretty much all night so doesn't speak to me at all.
I think it's a bit...rude? unsociable? or something like that i can't quite put my finger on it but aibu to be upset that this is pretty much every night?
We seem to spend no time together talking or even just watching the same thing on TV then at least you're spending time together, can talk about it etc.
If i mention it he says i'm not his mum and that i'm telling him what to do
It's like i have to beg for my own boyfriend to want to send time with me, and i fi did that it would be weird anyway i'd just feel like he'd rather be doing something else.

For context, he does help pretty fairly with DS and housework and we both work (him 4 days, me 3, usually different days to eachother so don't see a lot of eachother during the day)

It doesn't feel very..relationshippy, more flate-matey at the moment to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

abbinobb · 05/07/2016 11:51

I try to talk to him about all sorts of stuff, I try to joke with him etc. I'm not that boring people at work or whatever talk to me so I can't be that bad.
But there's only so much you can talk when the reply your getting is "mmhmm" constantly.
See I think it is just that, he has no interest in me. He says he does but he doesn't. We broke up before and I kicked him out the flat and he kept sending me letters and calling me saying how much he lives me etc but it was bollocking wasn't it? He Just prefers living here than at his mums but he's not here because of me.

OP posts:

Coulddowithanap · 05/07/2016 11:52

My DH used to play a game on PS3, one day I got bored of him playing it all the time so I got him to show me why he thought it was so good. He showed me how to play it and I found I really liked it too! He stopped wearing the headset and we chatted, took turns and really enjoyed playing together.

We do make sure we have a movie night once a week and also have a few nights of catching up on programs we are watching.

Flacidunicorn · 05/07/2016 11:56

Were you happier when he wasn't there? Thats the simple question.

fattyfattytoadgirl · 05/07/2016 12:04

YANBU.

You say he's good with housework and DS and works 4 days a week. This is great. In his mind, he probably thinks he's ticked all the boxes and the rest of the time he should be allowed to relax in his own way.

Gaming is hugely addictive, of course, so it's got a very strong pull on him. I have spent way too much time on the internet and feel guilty about that, so I can see how he might have got sucked in. Is he stressed with work? Men often do stuff like this to get away from it all, whereas women tend to share their worries and look for support (generalising here, I know).

Next time you are together after work BEFORE he gets on his computer (he will already be in gaming mode by then) tell him you want a serious conversation about this. Plan what you want to say beforehand. Perhaps something along the lines of how much you miss his company, how you'd love a bit of time together like it used to be in the beginning and how does he feel about a weekend away/day out (whatever you can manage).

If nothing starts changing after that, you may have to mention this is a deal-breaker for you (if it is). It might take that to wake him up to himself.

Hope I've helped a little bit. Good luck.

CocktailQueen · 05/07/2016 12:04

Sounds like he's addicted. Also sounds like a man child. You're like his mum?? FFS.

What's he like as a parent? Does he pull his weight with money and round the house? Are you happy with him?

CocktailQueen · 05/07/2016 12:05

Oops, sorry, just seen he does.

So, you have to talk to him about this and say how it's making you feel. And see what his reaction is. That will tell you a lot...

daisychain01 · 05/07/2016 12:15

All the signs are there that he has he's 'logged off' from the relationship.

dismissive towards you and your (valid) concerns
acting like a petulant school kid, not a grownup but doesn't seem to care how he comes across.
hours on gaming instead of enjoying some quality time with you.

Has he always been like this, or have you notice a growing deterioration over a period of time? If its "the same old, same old", and he cba, then probably unlikely to turn into a a sparkling conversationalist overnight. If he used to care but has stopped, then he at the very least owes you an explanation about what has changed, right?

Original poster

abbinobb · 05/07/2016 12:15

I guess I was happier when he wasn't here really on a way and not in other ways.
I think I was happiest when we were together but not living together (this is how it was most of them time, he only moved in a year ago) because then he'd come over and spend time with me when he was here, and he'd spend time with ds and help out and stuff bit it felt like we spent more quality time together before we lived together. He is ds' dad we just didn't live together right away cause it was a new relationship accidental pregnancy thing

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 05/07/2016 12:15

Oops sorry about the errant "he's "

daisychain01 · 05/07/2016 12:18

It sounds like he's OK in terms of being your DSs father but isn't prepared to make an effort towards you.

Which is pants.

You deserve better.

PastaLaFeasta · 05/07/2016 12:20

We can be the same, it's like we're living together but in parallel rather than in partnership. It has to be a balance or it doesn't work. Relationships don't just keep going, he has to engage and spend time doing stuff together or talking. You just become two strangers otherwise. And I find I can't do affection and intimacy with someone I've not connected with recently. He has to make more effort.

Flacidunicorn · 05/07/2016 12:21

I think you spell it out then. Either he mkes more effort, turns off the game for a couple nights etc or something changes.
He moves out but you stay a coupke, you spit up.

Whatever the case, you cant carry on how you are, I you do t sound happy.

Pinkheart5915 · 05/07/2016 12:25

I see you say you don't want to demand anything and of course you wouldn't relationships don't work on one persons demands but Saying to him a couple of nights a week can we have some quality time together is not demanding quality time when children are in bed etc make a massive diffrence to realtionships i believe.

To make a relationship stay good takes effort from both sides

mummymalta · 05/07/2016 12:30

abbinobb You are right. Get rid.
No shame in a partner not being there emotionally anymore. Nothing to do with you most of the time, usually to do with them. He has lost interest and likes the comfort of another human being and a flat. Just leave it and find love. Be happy.

purplefox · 05/07/2016 14:41

How old is he?

Original poster

abbinobb · 05/07/2016 14:42

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/07/2016 14:46

He Just prefers living here than at his mums but he's not here because of me

Presumably his mum hassles him more than you do about spending every waking hour on an xbox or whatever. Let him f off home back to his mum, why should you have to flatshare with him.

Get rid.

purplefox · 05/07/2016 15:43

Have you posted about him before? The situation sounds v. familiar to another recentish post.

PollyCazaletWannabe · 05/07/2016 15:51

Sorry OP, but this is not what I would call a relationship. It sounds very lonely :(

Original poster

abbinobb · 05/07/2016 15:51

I have done a few times yeah

OP posts:

KaosReigns · 06/07/2016 04:47

LOL or DOTA? I feel your pain OP, I also live the life of a gaming widow. The worst part is that they are not games that can be paused, and no one knows how long the games will go so it is very hard to plan around.

In the end I put my foot down and made him give me at least one night a week without the computer, and one day of the weekend where he does not turn on the computer until after dinner. Would he be open to this, or kick up a fuss? Because honestly if DP had refused I would have kicked his ass out.

I also banned HON from our house because it turned him in to a massive asshole. He tried to argue, but I quoted word for word some of the things that he had said to me after games of HoN and he uninstalled it immediately.

Do you like gaming yourself? Borderlands on the console is a great game for playing as a couple.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/07/2016 05:02

This doesn't sound like a relationship many people would want....

As you no doubt realise, these games are fairly addictive...

He definitely needs to do something around the amount of time he spends ignoring you whilst gaming:.

It sounds so aversive for you, that I would be issuing ultimatums.... His response should tell you everything.

Peppatina · 06/07/2016 05:07

It's the same in my house op, though it feel like there's not much choice at the minute.

DD3 is autistic and still in our bedroom as she self harms if she wakes and no one is there. DS(11 weeks) is also in the bedroom.

So when DD goes to sleep I stay upstairs. DP plays on the PlayStation downstairs and I'm a gamer myself so I have a PlayStation/ Xbox/ pic upstairs that I play on (muted 😄)

We've always been gamers but because we didn't have children we used to go out and spend hours talking to each other.

Now we just...well don't. I try to get DP upstairs with me sometimes to watch a film but he very rarely wants to, just says he wants to play on whichever game it is at the time.

I'm going through some PND at the moment so don't know if it's just me but I feel like I'm not interesting enough anymore. I'm usually too tired or not bothered about playing games anymore so just end up sitting I front of a screen wishing I had someone to talk to.

DP is a good man and he works his ass off in the day at home. But I've tried to talk to him about it (probably not very well, I have difficulty conveying what I mean) and he says but we talk in the day.

Not really the same with children running around/screaming but I'm stuck as to what to do.

It's made me feel quite lonely, which I think has helped my addiction to social media! It seems to fill the gap.

worrierandwine · 06/07/2016 05:35

My DH and I were in a very similar situation a few years ago, also Xbox and they do get addicted and that fucking headset was my most hated object for a good few months! My rabbit chewed the wire on it once which I got much satisfaction from until he went and bought another set
Anyway, even though we were married (no DC at that point) a computer almost split us up. I explained it would be like me coming in from work, eating dinner then getting on the phone with my friend for the rest of the evening. I was the same, I didn't want to tell him what to do as he's an adult and should be able to do what he wants, I just said it hurt my feelings he would rather play games and interact with friends every night rather than his wife. In the end I had to give an ultimatum as I was on the verge of walking, I said less time on the game (3 or 4 nights a week) or I was gone, we're in the relationship too and deserve some attention/ interaction. Can he get rid of the headset and cut down on the amount of evenings he's on it? If he can't meet you halfway I would seriously consider calling it a day. You may find that once he cuts down that he'll lose interest in it like my hubby did. Sounds like your OH is addicted let your voice be heard, you deserve some attention!

worrierandwine · 06/07/2016 05:36

Cuff

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