To be offended by this comment from the HV?

[frangipani13]

I'm of Indian descent and DH is white, we have a gorgeous baby who had a health check with the local clinic the other day.
We went in and were met by a HV who, after saying hello said "Ooooh isn't she fair?" I said "Sorry?" So she added, looking at me then back to the baby "You know, her skin, it's very light". I was a bit annoyed at the time but am sort of used to it as we live in a small town outside London that's not very diverse. Baby has an usual - but not particuarly exotic name (think Greek mythology, i.e. Ariadne) and they often struggle to pronounce her name when I get her weighed.
DH said he couldn't see why I was annoyed but it really irked me. Would she comment on the appearance of every baby she saw? I'm ready to accept that I might be being sensitive but it's been playing on my mind all weekend.

Funnily enough someone up thread asked whether a HV would comment about a baby being really dark.

I can't imagine anyone saying that about a baby with black or Asian parents actually, i could imagine someone saying it about a white baby though and I've known a couple of people be asked if their baby is mixed heritage because they're quite dark. But no I couldn't imagine anyone commenting that a baby is much darker than her Asian mother.

Ah great, another HV bashing thread.

OP that is not aimed at you but at several posters who have stereotyped the Health Visitor once again.

For what it's worth Op, I wouldn't give it a second thought. Lots of people comment on babies' appearances all the time. I agree that the observation was a little odd, but I'm sure it was not intended to be anything other than a passing comment. I've received some right clangers from health professionals, friends and family, and unless downright rude or overtly offensive you have to let it go.

MrsD exactly! This HV has been in the job for 30 years so you would have thought that she'd have developed some kind of filter, even if it hadn't come naturally at first!

I've worked with the public and in schools for years and quickly developed a fast and subconscious self censoring thing with regards to when to tread carefully. A quick think before you open your mouth. Foot in mouth disease can strike us all at some times, but treating illness and mortality with a gossipy casual attitude ... FGS! No! Lesson 1A in 'being professional' you'd think.

Hey ho. I heard last week that this HV has left. I'm glad i wont see her again!

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think they need to be a bit more sensitive from my own experiences with them!

My Indian doctor confessed to me that he had been told off about how many blood tests he was ordering. He said he was surprised at how white English people were, he said he knew they were paler than him but when he saw their bodies he thought everyone was anaemic. I thought it was funny as I know my face, hands and arms have more colour than my pasty white body.

My children (and me) have often had our bloody pale skin remarked upon and questions about iron supplememts. We're just typical ginger/ blondes who avoid sun damage to our skin. I never think it's appropriate for anyone commenting "oooo aren't you pale". Especially medical who must see an epic range!
Happens a lot though.
It must grate a lot as i've occaisionally felt they're questioning the parentage etc, with me I have darker hair but it's clearly of the red hue, but they ALWAYS then say "their dad must be really fair then!".
(I am very pale with barely any freckles).
My youngest has a different dad (much darker he actually tans) ... amusingly he's shaping up to have the lightest hair and pale eyes etc. I am looking forward to the implied questions of parentage already.
For now I just remark on how unpredictable genetics can be. But i am tempted to start saying .... yeah, maybe it was that other guy etc. Just because.

The HV probably didn't mean to offend, but she did.

Unless Op's daughter has exceptionally pale skin for any baby that the HV has ever seen, surely the inference is that her skin is pale compared to Op's?

Cloudhopping unfortunately I have only come across one HV who was any good.

One was even re trained as she was giving me advice that was fundamentally just wrong.

My Ds is very pale, paler than me . And it is frequently commented on, especially in a health context! They want to know if he is normally so pale. This month Grandma is talking up the slight freckly tan he has developed.

Mine was the opposite. I was actually asked on more than one occasion if I was the mother as I'm so pale with blonde hair and pale blue eyes compared to my daughter with darker olive skin, brown hair and eyes like my husband.

I don't think you need to be handed any grips, OP, but it's one of those pointless comments some people like to make and can be irritating

One of my dc looks mixed-race, though dh and I are both (as far as we know) white. I never minded when people commented on his darkness, nor when they asked where he gets it from.

What did offend me were the "who's the father?"-type questions from people who had met dh. FFS! Ds1, ds2 and dh are all the spit of each other! The only significant differences are hair and skin colour, so much so that I have often had "lucky you were at the birth" jokes. But some numpties cannot see beyond skin colour.

Enjoy your beautiful babies. Skin colour may change, anyway. My 'mixed-race' baby has become slightly paler, though still significantly darker than his sibs, and his moon-pale brother has become olive-skinned. And they still look like their dad

OP I think I can understand where you're coming from.

I am Mediterranean heritage (curly brown hair, dark eyes, freckly but not pale complexion). When my eldest child was born, he had very dark eyes, slightly olive complexion and a lot of straight, dark red/burgundy coloured hair.

The midwife and HV separately both asked if his father was black. He's not, but I was at the question, it just made me uncomfortable for a reason I couldn't put my finger on - I mean, why did it even matter? And what made them ask? Had I not been mid-20s and still a bit shellshocked by the whole birth experience I might have asked at the time.

My dd's cord wasn't clamped for nearly an hour meaning she got a lot of red blood cells, she was like a beetroot kind of red colour for a few weeks. Everyone that met her declared "oooh isn't she red/purple /fushia?" I got fed up of explaining in the end and replied, "yeah we've had her in the oven" 😂

My son was very dark, dark skin, dark hair, dark eyes and I'm pale, blonde, green eyes, hv commented 'ooh isn't he brown!' I don't think they see them as your baby and speak without thinking as they see so many of them!

Think I'd be annoyed but HVs generally annoyed the pants off me!
I'd have prob said something sarcastic back.

Why should comments be being made on appearance at all though?

Because health visiting isn't task oriented

Mine mainly served as an emotional support, and to do that she built up a sort of "professional friendship" with me, obv not over friendly, but there had to be a relationship in order for her to support me emotionally.

Every time she arrived she said something nice about me or DD, which at the time, I needed, and then I'ld sit and talk with her and it really helped.

I don't think she could have offered that sort of support if she just rocked up and stuck to her tasks/tick lists and didn't try to build a personal relationship with me

It is annoying. I am fair skinned and dh is mixed ethnicity, he has darker skin and hair and we have 2 children. 1 is fair skinned, blonde hair (obviously takes after me and fathers fairer gene) and other is more olive skinned with dark wavey hair. And we get comments often, from friends, family, strangers about their colouring. To the point where the eldest, who is 4yo, even mentions it now. Really pisses me off.

YANBU, because that's the way those kinds of remarks make you feel, but they are harmless, and people will think/say them all the time. It's not malicious. I was once asked if my incredibly pale, very blond baby was an albino.

I get why these comments can be irksome, but really, 99% of the time HVs are just trying to make small talk as they weigh your baby or gauge the situation/your personality before bringing up other topics.
If someone is shirty or defensive over minor small talk they will then take a gentler line of questioning over important issues like feeding/sleeping/family relationships.

My sons get comments about their 'lovely skin tone' and beautiful eyes, and HVs do inevitably ask about their mixed heritage.

Yabu I have a 6 month old and people are constantly commenting about her. People are interested in babies/ young children. When people approach me with a comment they usually smile and have a friendly demeanour which indicates they don't mean any offence...forget about it...

Our two DCs are different ethnicities (they are adopted) and I get that this is annoying.

The one who's mixed race gets "oh what lovely colouring" all the time except occasionally, usually when I am talking about looking for a school with a variety of ethnicities or promoting this DC's heritage or similar, when I get "oh but your DC is not that dark".

I have never, ever got any comment about my blond haired blue eyed DC's "colouring". I get "what lovely curls" and "what lovely eyes" but nobody has ever said anything about colouring or that the White DC is "fair" except in reference to sunburn. Nobody has ever said my White DC is "not that dark" either funnily enough. Nor have they suggested that "nobody would know DC wasn't born in the UK" which would be the equivalent.

So apparently BME children have "colouring" but white children do not. And being "not that dark" is a reason not to think about my DC's ethnic heritage too (in fact, my DC has quite a pale face with slightly rosy cheeks but is quite a lot darker in the body but of course we live in Britain so few people know that...)

The HV is quite tactful and has never commented (nor said that DS was, er, chunky).

Actually SpecialSnowflake I neither needed nor wanted "Smalltalk". I went once for a purpose. To have the baby weighed. It was all a bit pointless. The HV couldn't answer anything beyond the leaflets. She wasn't a chum, she couldn't answer my questions. End of professional relationship. Baby books were more informative. If I needed advice/reassurance after that (not about nappies, weaning, sleeping, potty training - plenty of research based info out there about that) I went to the GP - a fully qualified doctor. Not all doctors are perfect but the complete twit ratio tends to be lower and at least you get the courtesy of an appointment.

.. no one would call a white baby 'light-skinned', and the unsaid context is 'light-skinned in relation to you' and implicitly 'you'd hardly know she wasn't white'.

My children are white and more dadso colouring. I am so pale I am often asked if I am OK as I look ill. Their dad is darker (Mediterranean looking) with jet black hair. I often got asked if they wereally my children when they were younger as they looked too dark to be white 😞

I've had all kinds of comments on my sons' skin. If the person is just trying to be friendly and make conversation it doesn't bother me in the slightest. Even: "He looks foreign but I don't know what kind of foreign!" didn't bother me (said to DH about DS when I wasn't there).

I wouldn't want well-meaning people to feel scared to even mention skin colour in case they offend.

Both sons are a completely different colour to my Dad though. And when there was hysteria about Romany gangs stealing fair skinned children I did joke about how long it would be before my sons were accused of trafficking a Grandad.

Omg! Give hothead professionals a break. See the comment in context. I've no doubt that she meant to be anything less than nice and was simply making an observation. So, it irritated you- I get that. But let's leave the bashing of these professionals, who carry extremely high case loads and navigate some complex situations, alone!