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Original poster

To be offended by this comment from the HV?

196 replies

frangipani13 · 03/07/2016 19:19

I'm of Indian descent and DH is white, we have a gorgeous baby who had a health check with the local clinic the other day.
We went in and were met by a HV who, after saying hello said "Ooooh isn't she fair?" I said "Sorry?" So she added, looking at me then back to the baby "You know, her skin, it's very light". I was a bit annoyed at the time but am sort of used to it as we live in a small town outside London that's not very diverse. Baby has an usual - but not particuarly exotic name (think Greek mythology, i.e. Ariadne) and they often struggle to pronounce her name when I get her weighed.
DH said he couldn't see why I was annoyed but it really irked me. Would she comment on the appearance of every baby she saw? I'm ready to accept that I might be being sensitive but it's been playing on my mind all weekend.

OP posts:
ExtraHotLatteToGo · 03/07/2016 20:16

Honestly. It would be safer to stop speaking to anyone. Ever.

Unless they have a badge declaring they've passed the 'not professionally offended' test.

It's getting absolutely fucking ridiculous.

Original poster
frangipani13 · 03/07/2016 20:17

whatis I can't believe that!

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 03/07/2016 20:18

Gosh I'm white as is dh and I always get comments re how pale dc are and the fact they're blonde when dh and I have dark brown hair (were both blonde as children). Never occurred to me that it should be offensive. I teach my dc that skin colour is like hair and eye colour so in that you might comment someone has stunning blue eyes or gorgeous rich brown eyes then I don't think commenting on skin colour is offensive in this way. I do think it's rather fascinating the colour a baby from a mixed race couple is - my best friend is very pale and ginger and his wife is very dark brown with African hair. I'm not sure what their baby's skin colour will be but I'm looking forward to seeing in a few months time. I'm sure she'll be gorgeous.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/07/2016 20:19

" 'Oh he doesn't look like you at all does he?'"

I said that to a friend yesterday because her son looks a lot like her partner and not much like her. She agreed with me.

user1466690252 · 03/07/2016 20:21

Extra hot latte I agree. Thinks are getting really ridiculous. People really need to stop getting so offended

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 03/07/2016 20:22

She's an idiot, but IMO if I had to find something personable to say about 30 babies a day I'ld probably come out with some corkers too!

I'm white but with strikingly different colouring to most of the rest of my family, people commented on it all the time growing up. Something to say innit?

Lurkedforever1 · 03/07/2016 20:23

We're the other way. I'm white and fair, dd is so dark people have assumed before now she has two non caucasian parents. Even though her father looks white caucasian. Her colouring is the result of several heritages, but I can see why people wrongly assume she must be at least half Indian descent.

I did find it offensive when she was a newborn. Not in a racist way, just because it felt like people were doubting she was biologically mine, or doubting who her father was. With hindsight I was being a bit ridiculous, because it was just me reading far more into an innocent comment than was intended.

WorraLiberty · 03/07/2016 20:24

Why is she an idiot though?

You could say exactly the same thing to 100 people and 1 person might take offense.

That doesn't make the person saying it an idiot.

laganlookout · 03/07/2016 20:25

My children are mixed, two have an olive/med colouring and two look Polish apparently. I overheard my (children's nurse) neighbour asking them if they had the same father Hmm

Babysafari · 03/07/2016 20:25

I'm white with white children so I might not get it but I feel like you might be reading something into it that she didn't mean.

People comment on my children that they're fair, tall, big, small and compare them to me or their dad "isn't he tall, you're not tall". "Isn't he blonde, was their dad blonde as a child".

It's not really offensive to say your baby is fair even comparing to you.

We all have different skin tones whatever race we are. But I do get that you might get loads of ignorant comments.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 03/07/2016 20:28

Why is she an idiot though? You could say exactly the same thing to 100 people and 1 person might take offense.That doesn't make the person saying it an idiot.

Because making small talk all day about babies will eventually turn you into an idiot Grin , or it would me at least.. By 2pm I'ld probably be on to "doesn't she have very neat ears" just to shake it up a bit!

VocationalGoat · 03/07/2016 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RipeningApples · 03/07/2016 20:30

I think it wouldn't hurt if some of them were a little more mindful.

DS1 was born in an inner London Hospital. I am darkish blonde, dh very fair. There were endless comments about ds being too pale for a new born (they did almost asphyxiate him at birth because they didn't realise the cord was wrapped round his neck). I'm afraid DH chuckled and asked if it was rare for them to have babies,with two fair,parents.

On the,other hand I once attended a hospital appointment for ds1 with dd in tow. Both children golden haired, blue eyed and big of bone. The consultant smiled and said "a visitation from the Aryan Master race". My father was Jewish. He wouldn't have known (he would if I'd kept my maiden name) but the comment was unacceptable.

I don't know why they have to make so many inane comments really and wish they would focus on the professional matter in hand. The small talk isn't necessary and if you have an unusual name the comments become unspeakably tiresome.

WorraLiberty · 03/07/2016 20:35

Grin @ 'very neat ears'

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 03/07/2016 20:36

I think it wouldn't hurt if some of them were a little more mindful.
That's true, I say goofy things about babies because I'm a bit sh*t with other people's babies and I just try to say something and I usually cringe at myself Grin But if I chose to work with babies (I NEVER would!) I think I would try and come up with a few neutral safe default "compliments".

The consultant smiled and said "a visitation from the Aryan Master race
WTF!!!

Original poster
frangipani13 · 03/07/2016 20:36

That's horrible ripening a really bloody inappropriate thing to say. Pales (no pun intended) in comparison to my feeble complaint!

OP posts:
Babysafari · 03/07/2016 20:38

When ds2 was born he developed some baby acne after a few days.

The midwife, without me mentioning it said "don't worry they don't all have perfect skin like we imagine they should".

MissClarke86 · 03/07/2016 20:44

I once met a colleagues new baby and said "ooh he's very tanned"... I didn't realise his dad was black.

Bubblemixture · 03/07/2016 20:47

What a lot of the presumably white posters on the thread aren't getting is that this comment wasn't made about the pallor of a white baby to a white mother, for heaven's sake!

'Light-skinned' has a huge freight of baggage attached to it as a term for non-white people - it meant for many that you could 'pass' as white in colonial situations. Light-skinned people of colour had privileges dark-skinned members of their own family didn't - in the slave-owning US, darker-skinned slaves worked in the fields and lighter-skinned ones had house jobs. To this day in some cultures, dark-skinned girls are seen as unfortunate and their skin as a blemish. You can still buy skin bleaching creams legally in a lot of places. Lighter is still better inside some racial communities as well as discrimination from outside. Read anything about Beyonce's skin colour. When Obama ran for president, there were suggestions that a darker-skinned black man would have been unelectable. Etc Etc.

Obviously, this HV didn't consciously mean any of this, but you'd have to be fairly oblivious to be entirely unaware and remark on the lightness of skin tone of a baby to her non-white mother.

naichick · 03/07/2016 20:51

I've been asked countless times if Im the au pair to my kids (my husband is chinese I am very white and blonde) It has never bothered me. I just think they are my beautiful children and who cares about others comments?! They are normally just making small talk somewhat mindlessly!

Babysafari · 03/07/2016 20:57

Bubblemixture to be honest I didn't know any of that.

Liara · 03/07/2016 21:03

I was blonde as a baby, and my hair gradually darkened to fairly dark brown. So did dh. Both my dc are the same.

I had someone say, looking at me and dh 'gosh, where did they get the blond locks from?' I explained that they would darken in time, only to get 'oh what a shame!'

I would normally shrug it off, but I was with my mixed race dn, and I could see them clocking the 'pale hair = good' vibe so it really, really riled me.

Things that might seem innocuous without the history of racism such as it is are not so innocuous in context.

naichick · 03/07/2016 21:05

My husbands family are always horrified that we go out in the sun when we visit them in Malaysia as pale=beautiful. I understand the connotations of light is best and the colonial history etc. I think in the situation it was ignorant and mindless but having had my fare share of comments from both sides about my children (pale, dark, chinese not chinese looking!) I have stopped taking anything to heart and look at the bigger picture. I hope you can do the same OP and yes I empathise.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 03/07/2016 21:06

Bubblemixture Yes, I do hear all of that.

It's not the right thing to say, even if it's not meant as anything other than small talk

I think I'm being more forgiving because I personally am the type who'ld make a stupid guff in an effort to make boring small talk about a generically alien looking squirming thing baby… but yup, a health visitor should be better prepared to not get it so wrong

calamityjam · 03/07/2016 21:16

Cocktailqueen, I am of Indian decent, from my mothers side, making me 1/4 Indian so i don't look Indian at all and identify as white British and caucasian and Dp is white British but dark skinned. Therefore looking at me, (Dp would've been at work), the midwife expected ds to be fairer so naturally came to wrong conclusion that he had jaundice. Yes they didn't discharge him until 30 days as each time they came to see if his jaundice had cleared up, it hadn't. Obviously because it wasn't jaundice, it was a mixture between my dp's dark complexion and my Asian heritage.