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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended by this comment from the HV?

196 replies

frangipani13 · 03/07/2016 19:19

I'm of Indian descent and DH is white, we have a gorgeous baby who had a health check with the local clinic the other day.
We went in and were met by a HV who, after saying hello said "Ooooh isn't she fair?" I said "Sorry?" So she added, looking at me then back to the baby "You know, her skin, it's very light". I was a bit annoyed at the time but am sort of used to it as we live in a small town outside London that's not very diverse. Baby has an usual - but not particuarly exotic name (think Greek mythology, i.e. Ariadne) and they often struggle to pronounce her name when I get her weighed.
DH said he couldn't see why I was annoyed but it really irked me. Would she comment on the appearance of every baby she saw? I'm ready to accept that I might be being sensitive but it's been playing on my mind all weekend.

OP posts:
BumWad · 03/07/2016 19:47

My DS is mixed race too and is a completely different colour to me. I get comments like that all the time - they really don't bother me

NoArmaniNoPunani · 03/07/2016 19:48

My HV called my naked baby the wrong sex.

SouthWestmom · 03/07/2016 19:51

Oh I don't know. Unless we are going to pretend no one notices skin colour? If it's just observational it's just random chat isn't it.
If she said 'thank god she's so white' it'd be different.

trafalgargal · 03/07/2016 19:51

I think it's just of those comments where you look for the intention.
Written down it doesn't sound the greatest but for me a lot would depend on how it was said.

Some people are looking for insults in everything ,others are more pragmatic.

Oysterbabe · 03/07/2016 19:53

I think you are being a bit of oversensitive tbh. They just look for something to comment on. I normally get "look at all that lovely blond hair!"
DD has turned into a very chubby baby, luckily I think it's super cute as last time I got "isn't she filling out nicely".

squiggleirl · 03/07/2016 19:53

I don't think this is something I could get worked up about. She saw a name, she saw a mother, she made an assumption about what your child might look like, and your child looked different, and she commented on it.

My DH is not the same nationality as me. His colouring is dramatically different to mine. Before people meet me, because of my name, they expect to meet somebody who looks more like he does, and people have also commented on how my kids colouring is so very different to mine.

It's not nasty, or rude or anything really. It just is. Sometimes people comment, but it is without judgement, so I don't see any reason to be bothered by it.

Original poster
frangipani13 · 03/07/2016 19:54

Yes bubble I think that the unspoken subtext of her comparing me to the baby is what irritated me. I.e"You're really brown and she's white - how unsual!!" I take on board everyone's comments though and understand she was just making small talk. Maybe I need to prepare myself for a lifetime of comments like this and develop a thicker skin

OP posts:
backwardpossom · 03/07/2016 19:54

Would she comment on the appearance of every baby she saw?

Probably.

CocktailQueen · 03/07/2016 19:56

I got this with ds3. he is very dark skin for a white British child, think more southern European looking. My stupid midwife insisted that he was jaundiced even though I told her that dp was dark and I am of Indian decent. They wouldn't have any of it and failed to discharge him until 30 days and they said "ooh, you might be right." Err yes obviously!

But why would you expect him to be white if you're Indian and your do us dark? That makes no sense. And really, 30 days for jaundice??

Houseconfusion · 03/07/2016 19:57

Goodness. I am Indian. Husband white British. DS fairer than me, darker than DH.

I wouldn't have found it one bit offensive. In India actually things are way more offensive as fairness is a clearly and openly valued quality from matrimonial adverts for arranged marriages to creams called Fair and Lovely. Being dark is actually called "dirty" not as in actually dirty but the literal word for dark is dirty in my mother tongue. Coming out of there, this poor HV s comment would have been not remembered once by me.

Grip may be required, OP.

CocktailQueen · 03/07/2016 19:58

*dp is dark

justabigdisco · 03/07/2016 19:58

I'm white (pale and blonde) and my husband is Asian. If you saw my girls with me you probably wouldn't realise they were mixed race as they are on the paler side, but they have dark hair and dark eyes. People always say 'ooh aren't they dark?' and I say 'yes, they are half asian'. They then say 'oh sorry' as though they've said something inadvertently racist. They haven't of course, they're just commenting on their appearance in the way that people do about babies. I take no offence at that. I think there's enough genuine prejudice and unpleasantness in the world without worrying about stuff like this!

WorraLiberty · 03/07/2016 19:59

no one would call a white baby 'light-skinned'

On which planet would they not do this? Confused

My DS2 was the whitest looking baby I've ever seen and lots of people commented on it.

Equally, I come from a huge Irish family and some of them are positively glowing white.

We always joke that when the sun comes out, we burn, peel and go fluorescent white again.

Whistlejackets · 03/07/2016 19:59

A lot of people comment on how fair my DS is as I've got dark brown hair. It's just an observation. YABU.

Audreyhelp · 03/07/2016 20:00

I think you are being too sensitive . A doctor saw my baby and asked if he had the same father as my daughter they looked so different colourings . It made me laugh.

NickiFury · 03/07/2016 20:00

Maybe HV should be issued with a list of acceptable phrases, observations and compliments so as not to offend? Or would rather she just seized your child and weighed and examined her with no more interest than if she as a sack of potatoes?

Audreyhelp · 03/07/2016 20:03

Well said nicki I feel no one is allowed to say anything without it being took the wrong way .

Voddy4 · 03/07/2016 20:04

I'm white and very fair, my husband is white as well, hv commented that our baby was dark, should I have been offended because I certainly wasn't!

BolshierAryaStark · 03/07/2016 20:06

You've given this way too much headspace tbh, she probably meant fuck all by it & I'm struggling to see how you've taken offence-she most likely has a comment for every child she sees.

WorraLiberty · 03/07/2016 20:10

I wonder if there'll come a time when HVs, midwives, supermarket cashiers and random bus/train passengers will act like robots?

Just staring straight ahead, no small talk and no smile that could be mistaken for a sneer.

Sadly, it seems that would make a lot of people happy.

TheoriginalLEM · 03/07/2016 20:11

i doubt she even thought about it.

This reminded me of then dd1was born 25 years ago. I was a young single mum and she hada bit of jaundice. I think the dr expected her blood levels to be higher but i think her complexion was olive. They were obviously desperate to ask me if her father was asian but in the end they said to me- are any of your relatives asian?? HmmGrinGrin

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 03/07/2016 20:14

I think it entirely depends if it was being said in a being white/light/pale/fair is a preferred/beneficial trait or just an observation.

The former is extremely offensive, so she should be a little more careful/aware of the possible connotations of her remark.

That said some HVs do over-talk maybe in am effort to seem reassuring.

A friend of my dms once said while looking at me, isn't it funny how two unattractive people can sometimes have such adorable babies. Now that really is tactless!

Original poster
frangipani13 · 03/07/2016 20:14

No, worra or Nicki this wouldn't make me happy at all. I think you've misconstrued what I am saying entirely. I am more than happy to chat with anyone and everyone - but was merely asking if other people could empathise with my feelings. I'm a very rational person so am happy to hear people's thoughts (I don't think I need 'grip' though!)

OP posts:
user1466690252 · 03/07/2016 20:15

I think your being sensitive. Shes just making small talk on the baby. Congratulations.

Be used to comments about appearance. We get "doesn't he look like his dad" "hes tall like his dad' which is hysterical as he isn't biologically dh's (no Jeremy kyle, dh knows this lol) we just smile and agree. Its nice people are chatty nowadays everyone has to take offence at something.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 03/07/2016 20:16

I am white, dh is white - super pale and freckly. DS1 looks Spanish and has done since birth, many HVs commented on his appearance when he was born as olive/tanned skin and dark eyes/hair. The odd one asked if DH was his dad. I was concerned at first until I had DD1 and the comments about her were how lily white her skin was in contrast with super dark hair and eyes... I realised then that there isn't much to say about a baby, commenting on their appearance is pretty much it and HV (and others like them) have to make a bit of small talk with parents so they tend to mention anything that they notice about the baby's appearance.

(for what its worth, DS1 looks just like I did as a child, but my once olive skin has turned very pale over the years!)