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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be offended by this comment from the HV?

196 replies

frangipani13 · 03/07/2016 19:19

I'm of Indian descent and DH is white, we have a gorgeous baby who had a health check with the local clinic the other day.
We went in and were met by a HV who, after saying hello said "Ooooh isn't she fair?" I said "Sorry?" So she added, looking at me then back to the baby "You know, her skin, it's very light". I was a bit annoyed at the time but am sort of used to it as we live in a small town outside London that's not very diverse. Baby has an usual - but not particuarly exotic name (think Greek mythology, i.e. Ariadne) and they often struggle to pronounce her name when I get her weighed.
DH said he couldn't see why I was annoyed but it really irked me. Would she comment on the appearance of every baby she saw? I'm ready to accept that I might be being sensitive but it's been playing on my mind all weekend.

OP posts:
AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 03/07/2016 21:22

Are they not trained to look at the eyeballs for jaundice to make sure it's not just skin tone? I thought that was medicine/paediatrics/midwifery 101? is it not?

dailymaillazyjournos · 03/07/2016 21:27

I think there are a 101 things you can say about a baby without needing to bring up the subject of skin colour (unless there is a medical issue that could be affecting it.) I'm sure the comment was just an observation but it's unnecessary to point out a baby's skin tone.

DGD had the reverse jaundice comment. Her dad has very olive skin and dark hair and eyes. DGD's skin colour looked very similar to him and the staff were all saying how she had her Dad's colouring. Turned out she was jaundiced and in a few weeks was very pale like DD.

TheMorningAfterTheNightBefore · 03/07/2016 21:30

I'm with Bubblemixture. I don't think the HV would have meant any offence by it, and we notice and compare babies to their parents all the time, it's human nature ("ooh he's got his dad's eyes", "he's got your colouring", "he doesn't look like either of you, who does he take after!")

But It's an observation that shouldn't be articulated because it's such a loaded statement. She won't have meant anything by it though.

bittapitta · 03/07/2016 21:37

To back up calamityjam and without outing myself hopefully, my newborn was labelled White British ethnicity without my input and numerous midwives assumed at a glance she had jaundice when I visited hospital with feeding issues. I'm of south Asian descent and she wasn't jaundiced at all!

RB68 · 03/07/2016 21:39

I used to get - oh she is so fair, isn't she pale, so delicate and fair skinned. She is white, like me and her Dad from irish descent and a blue eyed strawberry blond. Hubby and I have hazel eyes (but both have one parent with blue eyes) and the strawberry blond is from me but mine has darkened over the years. So they do say it about plain ole white kids as well :-)

calamityjam · 03/07/2016 21:42

Just checked my red book and it does indeed say that ds had remaining mild jaundice on 11/11. He was born on 10/10, so that was indeed a month. He definitely didn't have yellow eyes, so just over causous midwives?

calamityjam · 03/07/2016 21:44

Cautious (sorry I got pulled on my shit spelling last week)

yougetme · 03/07/2016 21:49

I have several Pakistani friends and they all look for 'fairness' in their babies and boast about it with many photos to prove it. Maybe the midwife has picked up on this if she works in a multicultural area?

I think it just shows that sometimes you cant do right for doing wrong.

MrsDeVere · 03/07/2016 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

calamityjam · 03/07/2016 21:55

Yes Mrs De Vere, Dsd was actually with me when the midwife came round, she has exactly the same skin colour as ds, and he is my fourth but no, it had to be jaundice.

swampster · 03/07/2016 21:56

Similar situation, I enjoy replying: "We're still not sure who his real mother is."

Naicecuppatea · 03/07/2016 21:57

I am half Indian myself and do the same with my own children who have none of my olive skin colour nor my brown eyes! I would not mind in the least if someone made this comment to me. I find how racial characteristics are expressed in children very interesting.

RipeningApples · 03/07/2016 22:03

I've just remembered a story a friend who had three adopted children once told me. Pushing the third who was mixed race through the park an elderly lady said "ooh, is he like his father?". And my friend thoughtfully replied, albeit without thinking about the impact "I don't know". She got an extraordinarily withering look and as she,walked away the penny dropped. Ten years later she was ordained.

zzzzz · 03/07/2016 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 03/07/2016 22:29

Ten years later she was ordained.

The elderly lady or the baby? Hmm

GDarling · 03/07/2016 22:30

I was at a garden party once and after a while started chatting to some mums, there was this beautiful 18mth old sitting with us, bright blue eyes, white curly hair, golden skin, after a while I said " I wonder where his mum is" the Indian lady sitting next to me said "He is my son" she said everyone is shocked, then she pointed out his dad, white blond hair, blue eyes, pale skin.
I suppose if things look out of place, people will comment, no matter what it is, some people just have to comment about everything.
Enjoy being unique.

RipeningApples · 03/07/2016 22:37

Oh the mum who told the elderly lady she didn't know who the father of the child was

ParadiseCity · 03/07/2016 22:41

It is a thoughtless thing to say. Surely it is easier just to say 'what a gorgeous baby' than make any comments about skin colour. If you get anymore comments about being 'fair' I would suggest replying 'Fair? Fair?! Not at all, she cheats every time we play scrabble!!'

Witchend · 03/07/2016 22:41

People commented that frequently about dd2. Both me and dh are white Caucasian descent entirely. It would have been more of a surprise if she hadn't been.
That was often followed by "like a little doll" ie a porcelain one.
Apparently this was also said about me as a baby and dm.

Rinceoir · 03/07/2016 22:50

I'm sure it was an innocent comment. We are Irish and fair. DD has skin so white that she practically glows, with red hair and grey eyes. People always comment on her colouring being different to mine, how she looks nothing like me etc.

I also love hearing the history and origin behind names, and will sometimes ask in conversation about them. I learned here recently that this offends some people, so I've mostly stopped.

Benedikte2 · 03/07/2016 22:54

Friend told the story of how about 40 years ago she was out shopping with her two very small DCns . Friend is white British and very fair, DH very dark West Indian and the children favour their father in their complexions. A strange woman gushed over the children and asked if they were adopted and without waiting for a reply told friend how wonderful she was. Friend said, no, they were her own children and it was obvious from the stranger's expression that her opinion of my friend had changed somewhat! Friend laughed about it but it was probably not so funny at the time

LunaLoveg00d · 03/07/2016 23:13

My friend gets this all of the time - she is very dark haired, olive skinned and Middle Eastern looking, her daughter is blonde haired and blue eyed. Friend is often asked if she's the nanny/childminder or gets "she can't possibly be yours" type comments

I'm sure the health visitor didn't say it to be offensive.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 03/07/2016 23:23

I also love hearing the history and origin behind names, and will sometimes ask in conversation about them. I learned here recently that this offends some people, so I've mostly stopped

Really?

MeLittleDuckie · 03/07/2016 23:24

I think it was a silly thing to say, she should probably exercise more caution when commenting on babies' appearances. However she may be like me and just fascinated by genetics. If your baby is quite light, I don't see why it should be a taboo thing to mention. My family are a variety of shades - white, olive and Asian and people are forever mentioning it but I've never been offended by it because they're just stating facts.

crappymummy · 03/07/2016 23:33

how funny to hear that so many of you had the same experience of 'jaundice' with your babies

I am of southeastern Mediterranean parents, and dark olive skinned - I had midwives insisting ds was jaundiced right up until eventually midwife who wasn't white said hang in, he's the same colour as you Grin

DD has her Anglo Saxon dad's colouring and so we never had any such nonsense with her