To be annoyed at how DD's friend's mum behaves?

[CathCurtains]

DD (age 10, year 5) has been best friends with another girl since they were in reception. Her friend lives in the same road as us. She is a nice girl and she and DD are good friends, however she does have a tendency to be quite Princessy a lot of the time and is quite spoilt. DD says her friend will sometimes take offence at something very minor or will get into bad moods with DD for several days and won't tell DD why but will instead just blank her and ignore her. Don't get me wrong, I know what children are like and have no doubt at all that my DD isn't perfect, and I'm sure she does her fair share of that kind of behaviour. However I also know what kids are like, and the girls do usually end up best of friends again within a day or two at the most. DD says that whenever her friend gets in these moods or takes offence at minor things, she makes a huge deal about it and gets other kids flocking around her at school. DD is then sometimes left with no one to play with as they think she's been mean and the friend keeps crying and creating dramatics so that they are attentive to her.

The issue is with the friend's mum. As I said, the friend is quite spoilt and pampered, and also dramatic. The mum is very similar to her, and is attention seeking. Whenever her DD is in a bad mood with my DD, or there has been any conflict between the girls whatsoever, the mum just blanks me, and she will usually blank me for around a week and then when it's all blown over she will start talking to me again.

On Thursday at school the friend got cross with DD as DD needed the loo before going out at breaktime and friend was on her own in the playground for 2 minutes. She refused to speak to DD for the rest of the day and then came out of school crying loudly and in a very dramatic, fake way. Cue the mum then blanking me on Friday morning and afternoon. When everything is fine between the girls she is all nice and chatty.

She also paints her daughter as being a delicate precious little snowflake to others, and so sometimes when the girls fall out she will do a cryptic Facebook status that I know is aimed at DD. And then lots of other school mums, whom she's clearly moaned about DD to will reply to support her. On Thursday after the breaktime/loo incident and her DD coming out of school crying, the mum's status on Facebook was "Hate seeing my daughter so upset. It's not nice that one person can ruin her day". And then of course lots of other mums replied sending hugs to her daughter and saying poor little thing, she's such a lovely girl etc. I have no doubt that she bitches about DD and I to these other mums.

The blanking will go on for around a week. The mum drove past my house today when I was in the driveway and she blanked me. However I know DD and the friend will be best buddies again on Monday!!

Has anyone else had a similar issue with parents before? I guess the answer is to try to encourage DD to have other friendships, which we do do, however it's easier said than done if kids are determined to be friends isn't it? I know I shouldn't let the mum's behaviour bother me but it does, especially the airing dirty laundry on FB behaviour.

Hide her news feed and just let it go. The politics in primary schools is very strange, IMO. I just try to separate out my child's needs/interests from mine, and thank my stars that these sometimes very odd women are not my friends, and will not be in my life that long in the overall scheme of life.

Seemingly I'm not as 'nice' or as 'self controlled' as most other posters! 😁

I'd post things like 'Oh, it's such a shame Princess is so upset by being left alone for the two minutes it takes DD to go to the toilet. She must be feeling really worried about something else to remain upset all day'.

See, there's more than one reason I don't 'do' Facebook!

That's a lot of childish behaviour going on. Block on FB, make other friends in the playground if you have to, there is no reason why you have to be friendly with any of the mums if they treat you like that. You could always stand in your own corner you know, be yourself. At the end of the day no one is asking you to sleep with any of them. You don't need any of them. Your DD will be friends again in no time but she does need a role model who will teach her to stand up for herself and walk away when things are happening that she doesn't like.

momoftwins that sounds dreadful I wouldn't have believed if I hadn't read it here. This is why I don't do FB, I can't believe how unprofessional the head was to you. It all sounds like a cult, I'd get the hell out of that village as fast as my legs could carry me.

I hope your girls are much happier now, how soon before you move? Hope it's this summer!

Just because your DD has known the child since foundation does not mean she needs to continue to put up with this crap toxic 'friendship'. It needs nipping in the bud. Delete mother on FB and keep at arms length and encourage your daughter to speak up for herself, as someone has said, and you should let the teacher know what has been happening and how she has been treating your daughter perhaps even about the FB posts. It will be better in the long run for your DD to dump this girl, as not going to be good for her self esteem being controlled in this manner especially when she hits puberty. They're both narcissists, don't enable them.

I so feel for you; this situation is ghastly. If there are two classes at school then try to get your DD into the parallel class next year - this will mean talking to the form tutor and if that doesn't work then talk to the head. Getting them separated means your DD can find new friends.

If this girl was a DH and your DD was a DW then we would all be telling you to move away from such controlling, manipulative behaviour. You need to get them away from each other and don't encourage playdates either.

Keep a log of things and go and see the teacher, but stress that the situation is sensitive and you don't want the other mother approached, or the child, but just that your child is moved away. Can your DD go to clubs etc at breaktime to get away from this little madam?

With regards to FB, blocking someone or unfriending them can be quite an aggressive move when you don't need this woman having more ammo against you. You can 'unfollow' which means you don't see their posts. You can also 'custom' who sees your updates. Just set it to who you want to exclude (all the mums it seems to me as otherwise she can just ask them what you've posted) and they will not see anything you post and yet will still think that you are friends. Another thing that I have done in the past is to shut down my account for a week or two when I've felt unable to cope with Facebook and to get right away from it.

Thank god I got a ds. The things I have heard from friends about girl friendships are frightening. Mothers can be a nightmare even from a ds point of view.
Guide your dd through it the best you can, try to ignore the behaviour of the bf mother. When they get to secondary school the dynamics will change xx

Great advice!

Delete on Facebook, say hello in the street whether she replies or not, if she seeks you out be polite but just answer her as briefly as you can, don't commit if she invites you to things. Try and get your daughter busy in other activities like you were thinking. And hope they grow apart soon!

I bloody hate playground politics! But feel the need to defend the 'friend' - it's the mother that's the huge problem here. Don't get me wrong, this girl sounds like a nightmare and your daughter is better off without her in her friendship circle.... But this little girl also sounds a lot like my DD. My DD is very controlling, a complete diva and a crap friend (sometimes) and I totally despair (a lot of the time). No idea where she gets it from as I consider myself to be a good friend and citizen of the community (clearly DH's side of the family). But I have been assured by others that that's girls for you! Believe me, I spend a lot of my time trying to teach her how to be a good person (and she's surprisingly popular - she can be wonderful one minute but a sulky, stroppy mess the next, god help us when periods are thrown into the mix).

But as for what to do with the pain in the arse Queen Bee of a mother... You don't want to shoot yourself in the foot here but nor do you want to just sit there and take it. I say vye for her position. Maybe volunteer at the school/PTA and show them what a great help/fun mum you are. Have the BEST play dates after school (crafts, cupcake decorating, strawberry picking, pizza making etc). You can't be alone, others must feel the same but don't know what to do about it - suss them out and form your own allegiance. it won't be long before Nightmare Mum and Diva Daughter change their tune...

Of course, all this is presuming you have nothing but time (and plenty of money) on your hands.

I really sympathise & it sounds like you're already doing a great job trying to tread a middle line through this nightmare/delicate situation. The plan to cultivate other and especially out of school friends is great. Looking forward (with kids at high school) the other thing I'd say is if they're going to go to the same high school things can get so much worse in these kinds of friendships (sad face own experience), but most schools let you say if there's anyone you'd like to be in the same form as/not in the same class and that's a good opportunity to get a bit of separation, the friend doesn't need to know that she specifically asked not to be together and they can still hang out at other times, but it protects your DD a bit to have her own space away from her too (and high school's not that far away now). Good luck.

I have 3 girls yrs 5&6. I have told my girls that they need more than one friend as if they rely on only one person when that person is ill they are lost and lonely. Are there other girls she can have round for play dates to build friendships. I remember agreeing with one mum when the girls were little that regardless of how many times they fell out we would always talk as we knew it would blow over, however this mum is very different, just be polite but don't engage and when you know she's going to be off with you don't give her the chance to snub you, pretend you haven't seen her or she's not there, talk to others.

Post "Oh bless her! DD is quite worried about her as apparently she got really upset because DD went to the loo at break!!! It might be worth having a chat with her teacher to see if there are any issues she's struggling with?"

Agree with Catmum. You will not win the FB card - some people just thrive on contention and will spend their lives finding a scapegoat to blame. Accept that this person and their DD are poison and dont waste a second more on them than you have to. Actively pursue other friendships as this one wont change. Its horrible how these behaviour patterns can be established from such a young age. If you have to deactivate your FB page for a while do this. Read so often (and have experienced for myself) how so many people are like brainless sheep. Take heart - not everyone is!! But these are often the people who do not live there lives through the FB lens!! Maybe get DD involved in alternative after school activity - sports - gym - dancing - cheerleading - scouts - whatever!! where she will have an opportunity to experience other friendships and if possible quietly let this one go.... good luck

Hi OP. We are very much in the same boat. My Dd had an ongoing friendship with a girl when they were in the juniors. Lots of falling out/making friends. She sounds very similar to your DD's friend - always taking offence but actually saying and doing some pretty mean things herself. I think that she was also going home and giving her mum a highly embellished version of any fallings out so I was always on the receiving end of outraged stares etc. I went to the school a few times to find out if my DD's behaviour was to blame, but they were as baffled as I was.

Dd started secondary school this year and ended up in the same class as this girl. She was shocked and upset when the girl would have nothing to do with her - running away when she saw her coming, etc. I didn't say anything to the parent and hoped that Dd would make new friends. Every time I saw the mum on the street, she would blank me or scowl at me. This woman confronted me a month ago and told me that my DD's behaviour has been awful all year - that she had been putting mean notes into people's lockers, making jokes about setting fire to people's houses and saying some other awful things. It has taken me a month to get to the bottom of it all - I spoke to the school and they confirmed that my daughters behaviour has been fine and she had nothing to do with the notes. The end result is that gossip has now been circulated round the class thanks to this girl and her mum and very few girls will talk to my Dd. We are now looking at a class change.

My advice to you is do everything you can to encourage your Dd to find new friends. Steer clear - the mum sounds poisonous. Talk to the school and let them know what is going on. People don't change, as I have discovered.

YANBU

10 is old enough to have a frank chat with DD and explain that this person is not really what true friendship is about. She could try other friends and avoid the primadonna. The other child may (hopefully) ask why and then your DD can be brave and explain that being friends shouldn't mean feeling bad and she makes her feel bad so maybe they shouldn't be friends,

It's a long shot but worth it if it works. We had similar issues and DD explained to 'friend' that when she acted as a friend should, then they could be friends again. Took a while but other child got the message. And eventually, our DD made other friendships which were much happier and easier.

I would also have to have a chat with the mum though. I'd call her out on her behaviour. Ask her outright - are you blanking/avoiding me and if so, could you share why? When she has to say it out loud she'll realise how ridiculous she is. I would also suggest to her that as our DDs seem to make each other unhappy, maybe it's time to chill the friendship a little and encourage them to play with other kids. She can either agree or ask why - both win scenarios.

And as for other mums... really... what is the point of worrying about what ppl say on FB or otherwise. Unfollow her - then you won't see it. Simples

Good luck

TwoSquared - quite shocked at your insensitive, ill informed, narrow minded post.

It's this type of post/comment that creates mistrust, misunderstanding and mistreatment of people with mental disorders. You have no idea with Borderline Personality Disorder is if that is how you see it and referring to whole set of society as 'they' in that tone of negativity is frustrating and extremely sad.

Great example setting [not]

Cannot believe you actually posted that

Mamma mic - there are other posts on here that also "diagnose" personality disorder in the friend's mother
Apparently it's ok to make disabilist remarks about certain mental health conditions (BPD, NPD etc); I imagine the reaction would be very different if the MN diagnosis was, say autism or bipolar.

Just ignore this shit. Any drama during her "off" phase, act as if someone's farted, don't say anything, ignore, gloss over. Remain friendly, but don't return to super chatty when she in an "on" phase with you.

It won't work in secondary, so one more year of her feeding on her dd's drama and friendships and then she will be off the scene for you altogether. Secondary school does not work like this as she is about to find out.

AnnieNoMouse - I know - it's all over this type of social media and interaction but I naively expect more from MN and its users.

The comments like this are so revealing about the people who post them, more than anything.

I usually ignore but the strength of 'vilification' of a whole (massive) group of society really is unacceptable. first time ever in my MN (10yr?) membership that I've reported a post. Very easy to do and was 'fixed' very quickly.

If I was suffering from any mental illness but especially BPD and had read that, I would have been even more upset and incensed.

People don't even realise the impact of their generalisations and ridiculously insensitive factually incorrect statements.

The readiness to armchair diagnose mh conditions on here never ceases to amaze me. Narcissism is a favourite and don't get me started on the inappropriate use of the term "passive aggressive". It's offensive and ridiculous.

Yeah bpd is rapidly becoming the new favourite thing on here. Its more than irritating.

CaptainCrunch I so agree. And it makes no bloody difference to anything anyway, the OP still has to deal with the situation no matter what the state of anyone's mental health.