To be annoyed at how DD's friend's mum behaves?

[CathCurtains]

DD (age 10, year 5) has been best friends with another girl since they were in reception. Her friend lives in the same road as us. She is a nice girl and she and DD are good friends, however she does have a tendency to be quite Princessy a lot of the time and is quite spoilt. DD says her friend will sometimes take offence at something very minor or will get into bad moods with DD for several days and won't tell DD why but will instead just blank her and ignore her. Don't get me wrong, I know what children are like and have no doubt at all that my DD isn't perfect, and I'm sure she does her fair share of that kind of behaviour. However I also know what kids are like, and the girls do usually end up best of friends again within a day or two at the most. DD says that whenever her friend gets in these moods or takes offence at minor things, she makes a huge deal about it and gets other kids flocking around her at school. DD is then sometimes left with no one to play with as they think she's been mean and the friend keeps crying and creating dramatics so that they are attentive to her.

The issue is with the friend's mum. As I said, the friend is quite spoilt and pampered, and also dramatic. The mum is very similar to her, and is attention seeking. Whenever her DD is in a bad mood with my DD, or there has been any conflict between the girls whatsoever, the mum just blanks me, and she will usually blank me for around a week and then when it's all blown over she will start talking to me again.

On Thursday at school the friend got cross with DD as DD needed the loo before going out at breaktime and friend was on her own in the playground for 2 minutes. She refused to speak to DD for the rest of the day and then came out of school crying loudly and in a very dramatic, fake way. Cue the mum then blanking me on Friday morning and afternoon. When everything is fine between the girls she is all nice and chatty.

She also paints her daughter as being a delicate precious little snowflake to others, and so sometimes when the girls fall out she will do a cryptic Facebook status that I know is aimed at DD. And then lots of other school mums, whom she's clearly moaned about DD to will reply to support her. On Thursday after the breaktime/loo incident and her DD coming out of school crying, the mum's status on Facebook was "Hate seeing my daughter so upset. It's not nice that one person can ruin her day". And then of course lots of other mums replied sending hugs to her daughter and saying poor little thing, she's such a lovely girl etc. I have no doubt that she bitches about DD and I to these other mums.

The blanking will go on for around a week. The mum drove past my house today when I was in the driveway and she blanked me. However I know DD and the friend will be best buddies again on Monday!!

Has anyone else had a similar issue with parents before? I guess the answer is to try to encourage DD to have other friendships, which we do do, however it's easier said than done if kids are determined to be friends isn't it? I know I shouldn't let the mum's behaviour bother me but it does, especially the airing dirty laundry on FB behaviour.

Teach your DD, when the friend does anything like this, that it's Ok to just say 'Oh, I see you're not in a good mod with me today, so I'm just going off to do whatever, play with whoever'...basically whatever will get her physically as far away from the girl as possible. Also teach her 'the room in the mind trick'. This is if someone is being intentionally unkind/unpleasant/mean to me, I walk in to that mind room and I firmly shut the door, which blocks out all the toxic crap coming from the other person. I actually create pleasing scenarios in my mind, which make me forget all the nastiness from whoever is giving me grief, and then I come back to the real world, not caring much about the other person, or their problems......which sort of deflates them, and usually all us well with my world again!

I'd have a little eye roll and joke about it with dd and talk about how it is such a silly way to behave. You can point out.where she learns it from and then every time it happens with the child and/or her mum, it's funny. You can also talk about being civil and polite but keeping people at arms length.

I've been doing a similar thing with my dd about a child in her social circle and her parent. Every time something happens we have a raised eyebrow and "not again" moment. It's something we laugh about.

Don't take this approach if she's likely to feed anything back to her friend though.

Are you sure it was exactly what happened though?

Your DD went to the toilet and left her in the playground for 2 minutes, and that was enough to get everyone flocking round her, and for everyone to sympathise with the Mum on FB?

I only ask because there are two sides to every story and I'm wondering if you've only heard your DD's side?

I would do a few things- get your dd involved with clubs at school and after-school activities (Guides, sports, trampolining, whatever) to give her a wider circle of friends. I would also get her thinking about who she would like to be friends with at school and get some of those children over to your house or go to the cinema. And try to move away from her at secondary, this is critical as you don't want them going together.

You will offend this woman and her child whatever you do, so do what's in your child's best interest.

I wouldn't worry too much about being nice to her yourself, she ignores you, slags you off to others and posts horrid messages about the girls- I'd ignore her to be honest, unless she actively comes up and chats. If she says anything, just say 'I'm getting tired of the on/off nature of the girls friendship, they seem to be growing apart', and hope this becomes true!

Who is even this involved in their childs social life? She sounds mad and horrible. I would not engage with her at any time and if she queries you tell her that you can't be doing with it, and the girls' playground issues should not effect the behaviour of their parents.
If they are going to the same secondary school request that they are in different forms/ side of the year if possible and she will have different friends in no time.

WorraLiberty

The toilet incident happened at break time as well. I can't see the child coming out of school at home time crying if nothing had happened since. Or getting an sympathy from anyone that she was left alone while another child used the loo.

Perhaps you could ask the teacher if they can shed any light on what's going on op?

That's what I'm wondering.

It does sound as though there was possibly a bit more to it and it might need looking into.

Of course there might not be more to it, but it's still best to check it out.

Cath this exact same thing happened to me at this age! Princessy daughter AND Mum. Falling out with me, threatning to fall out with me...it was AWFUL and I never told my Mum and was stuck with this "friend" until I was 13!

In the third year at school I FINALLY got away by simply ignoring her! I never sat by her on the first day of term and took no notice. I had no other friends for months. Eventually I made more friends though....but not before she had everyone thinking I was mean. They all got over it though.

Make sure they don't go in the same class at secondary OP!

I have thought about blocking the mum and the other mums, and I would like to, but I just think it would exacerbate the situation in the long run.

No need to block the other mums, just this one. Civil and polite in person, no more is necessary.

You cannot be part of the drama if you don't engage. And that's what you need to be teaching your daughter. The other kids/other mums are not your concern, and they will reach their own conclusions in their own time.

OP in your shoes I'd be encouraging your DD to have friendships with other children in her class and school.Are there any other girls that your DD gets on well with who's Mothers don't act like they're 5 years old?
If so(and I hope there is)think about arranging for one of them to come over after school to hang out at your house with your DD,have them stay for dinner.
Encouraging friendships outside of school with children your DD goes to school with can really help in situations like this,it should mean that your DD then has other children to play with at school and those other children should stop flocking around the mini drama queen when she kicks off.It'll make for a stronger bond in and out of school for your DD and some of her friends.

With the mother,she blanks you just ignore her.Don't go out of your way to speak to her when she stops blanking you.If she comes upto talk to you after a week of blanking you take your phone out and pretend you've just received a message or you need to make a call or simply turn your back on her and go and speak to someone else.
Her behaviour is worse than her DD's and she needs to stop!

I also think you need to see the teacher, this is BULLYING. The worst kind. It's hateful and sly.

Teachers usually notice a child crying and try to find out why.

I would talk to the teacher, especially if others are being recruited by the Little Madam when she decides to give your DD the cold shoulder. Even without that, the teacher should know.

Put your DD into after school activities she is interested in, and try to wean her off this toxic girl.

You are dealing with a Queen Bee and her mother here. Things will not improve.

Get your DD a few books that might help her understand what's going on :
Drama, Rumors and Secrets
and
Friendship Troubles

The teacher should get herself a copy of both books too. It absolutely is bullying, of the worst kind.

To deal with you and the mother:
Can you just remove her from your FB feed so you can't see it? Is that blocking her? Do people get a notification that they've been blocked?

As to the other interaction, I would just nod in the street and walk on without waiting for a response. When she comes over to talk to you, just do the things people do when they are bored.... hesitate before answering and then respond with something that doesn't move the conversation along. Also minimise eye contact, instead look at something over her shoulder like you are distracted or more interested in something else.

She won't think you are being aggressive, but she will find you hard work and be put off trying to chat to you as she isn't getting anything out of it.

To deal with your DD and the girl, I would look to get my doc out of this friendship as it will get worse over the next few years (speaking from experience). The girl is trying to control your DD and she will get better at it as she grows older. Get the teacher to help. I wish someone had given me the same advice 5 years ago as it would have saved a lot of heartache later.

I would mention it to school. Agree with encouraging dd to make new friends, she shouldn't have to put up with this nonsense, it's not s healthy relationship.
I reckon the mum blanks you in case you actually point out the glaring truth that it's her dd that's being ridiculous. Poor girl won't learn until someone tells her, which school hopefully will if you involve them. Dd is in y5 where I work and there are often lunchtime dramas to be sorted out after lunch (luckily not with my dd).

Your DD is 10 won't be long before she goes up to secondary school. You will find they will naturally drift apart and make new friends. I'm guessing she will be starting Y6 in September? I would disengage entirely with the school moms she sounds pathetic.

I totally believe its happened as described. I've witnessed 2 families go through the same as well. I kept out of it despite both trying to get me onside.

In this case though the little madam had started alienating everyone. So when she did the "wwaaaaaiiillll, you left me, you didn't do it mmmmyyyyyyyy way etc" everyone flocked around the other child.

They are year 6 now. So hopefully during next year the other kids will realise what's going on, disengage from drama and things will get easier for your DD.

I also agree block other mum from FB. It doesn't need to cause drama - and even if it does you'll be oblivious to it!

Can you also encourage friends over to yours at weekends for DD? Then get them to play in garden or something and not where madam is?

Next time she seeks you out, looks at her quizzically and say oh why did you blank/glare at ne the other day, it hurt my feelings.

Have a word with the Headteacher about it. Calmly tell her all about the manipulating and crying coming out of school and how it's affecting your DD and see what she has to say. And blank the mother. Totally.

We had this with DD and a 'frenemy'. In the end DD blew after one too many drama scenes - it wasn't great tbh but it did at least make the teachers realise what was happening and take stock of the way they had dealt with it.

One thing the school did do was 'how to be a good friend' lessons for the drama queen - they called it a friendship group and whilst it didn't seem to make a difference for the DQ, it made the other girls in the class more aware of what DQ was doing and they stopped falling for it.

When she seeks you out, turn around and walk the other way. Mabey give your dd the tools, to be assertive to this girl and stand up for herself.

Unfollow her so you don't have to read this crap

Whenever you see her smile and turn to talk to someone else.

If she talks to you reply but don't engage

Find another friend for DD

If you are challenged about any of this tell her you are sick of the way it makes you and your dd feel.

My dd and her best friend are very on and off again. Definitely go into school and ask them to keep an objective eye on things. I doubt either child is telling the whole truth about every falling out. The mother's behaviour is bonkers though and I would be extricating myself from any friendship with her.

We had this with a drama queen in year 5. She had to control the group and if she didn't get her way she would burst into tears and whichever poor girl had dared to disagree with her was the enemy for the day whilst the others flocked round DQ in fear of being shouted at. However, by the end of year 5 DQ learned a big lesson as the girls got fed up with her and chose not to be with her. Now the groups have changed and DQ (still a bit OTT) is much calmer having learnt her lesson.
People like this need to be told and I agree with suggestions above. I've always told my children if someone is not being nice then tell them that you don't want to be around that kind of behaviour eg I like you but you're not being nice so I'm going to do something else for playtime. This worked better when they were younger though.

Definitely try to ensure they end up at different secondary schools, at least there will be a time limit on this 'friendship' then.