To be annoyed at how DD's friend's mum behaves?

[CathCurtains]

DD (age 10, year 5) has been best friends with another girl since they were in reception. Her friend lives in the same road as us. She is a nice girl and she and DD are good friends, however she does have a tendency to be quite Princessy a lot of the time and is quite spoilt. DD says her friend will sometimes take offence at something very minor or will get into bad moods with DD for several days and won't tell DD why but will instead just blank her and ignore her. Don't get me wrong, I know what children are like and have no doubt at all that my DD isn't perfect, and I'm sure she does her fair share of that kind of behaviour. However I also know what kids are like, and the girls do usually end up best of friends again within a day or two at the most. DD says that whenever her friend gets in these moods or takes offence at minor things, she makes a huge deal about it and gets other kids flocking around her at school. DD is then sometimes left with no one to play with as they think she's been mean and the friend keeps crying and creating dramatics so that they are attentive to her.

The issue is with the friend's mum. As I said, the friend is quite spoilt and pampered, and also dramatic. The mum is very similar to her, and is attention seeking. Whenever her DD is in a bad mood with my DD, or there has been any conflict between the girls whatsoever, the mum just blanks me, and she will usually blank me for around a week and then when it's all blown over she will start talking to me again.

On Thursday at school the friend got cross with DD as DD needed the loo before going out at breaktime and friend was on her own in the playground for 2 minutes. She refused to speak to DD for the rest of the day and then came out of school crying loudly and in a very dramatic, fake way. Cue the mum then blanking me on Friday morning and afternoon. When everything is fine between the girls she is all nice and chatty.

She also paints her daughter as being a delicate precious little snowflake to others, and so sometimes when the girls fall out she will do a cryptic Facebook status that I know is aimed at DD. And then lots of other school mums, whom she's clearly moaned about DD to will reply to support her. On Thursday after the breaktime/loo incident and her DD coming out of school crying, the mum's status on Facebook was "Hate seeing my daughter so upset. It's not nice that one person can ruin her day". And then of course lots of other mums replied sending hugs to her daughter and saying poor little thing, she's such a lovely girl etc. I have no doubt that she bitches about DD and I to these other mums.

The blanking will go on for around a week. The mum drove past my house today when I was in the driveway and she blanked me. However I know DD and the friend will be best buddies again on Monday!!

Has anyone else had a similar issue with parents before? I guess the answer is to try to encourage DD to have other friendships, which we do do, however it's easier said than done if kids are determined to be friends isn't it? I know I shouldn't let the mum's behaviour bother me but it does, especially the airing dirty laundry on FB behaviour.

Different school / tutor groups is very good advice. This girl will become thoroughly toxic later.

Also - jumping ahead - don't fall for it if the mother strongly urges you to let her deal with bullying type behaviour as she won't and it will get worse. (Yes, classic bullying is what this girl will graduate to next).

Really, the best thing you could do is to get your Dd away from this friendship.

DD aged 9 is currently having problems with a child in her class picking on her, isolating her etc. DD is very soft-hearted and doesn't like to upset anyone so has been left with this 'friend' as the other kids in the class refuse to put up with her shit. There's a huge story but I won't go into it as this is your thread OP.

There are numerous things I am doing for DD, one of those is reading these books together:
Bullies, Bigmouths and so-called Friends
Stick up for Yourself!
Some of the things in the book are for an older age group but we've bypassed those.
Best wishes

I'd respond to Facebook post " It wasn't my daughter who ruined her day, was it? I know your daughter felt upset because x needed to go to the toilet at break time." Let everyone know how stupid and trivial they're being!

I used to have a friend who's mum used to do this to every parent her DD was friends with - when we were in secondary school!

It resulted in her often being left out of social events because she wouldn't be talking to at least one parent going. Not sure if she ever improved, I doubt it very much. Parents saw straight through her so I guarantee most of the others do as well, they probably only respond to keep the peace.

I like that FB post.

Drama queens tend to be found out - kids vote with their feet. Your DD needs phases - stating the obvious - I only went to the loo!! Are you crying because I needed a wee? So the others know clearly what happened.

This girl obviously gets herself into situations she doesn't know how to get out of, sulking etc and then thinks the DD has ignored her as she can not take responsibility for her own actions.

Children do this secure in the knowledge they will be forgiven and all ok later.

Your DD needs to get tough and escape - can she move forms?

If I had read it correctly, you're not friends with the mum so nothing is needed beyond a polite acknowledgement.

I wouldn't stoop to her level & ignore.

I agree that your daughter needs some coping strategies, but also why is she so determined to stay friends with this girl?

What is so great about her that she's worth the angst in between times?

Diddl I WAS that little girl...like OP's DD and I wanted to remain friends because I was afraid that I wouldn't have any friends without her.

That's all.

If you usually go and chat with this mum I think it's really weird when she blanked you of Friday not to have went up and talked to her.

I've had this with ds and wouldn't find it difficult to walk up and say I'd heard there was a bit of a drama yesterday and the girls have fallen out again, dd says this happened, what have you heard, and then take it from there keeping it light and ending with a I'm sure they'll sort it out themselves.

The best thing to do with PA types is to tackle them head on. Ask who upset her dd, and why and how and give your side of the story back. Make her justify every cryptic statement.

You do realise that this girl will accuse your DD of bully g don't you? She's so manipulative that she's capable of twisting everything round to her advantage.

Start asking dd to keep a log of incidents.

have not read thread but my initial advice would be to be obtuse to her blanking, continue to talk to her as if there is nothing wrong.

I am trying this with my neighbours, it disarms them when you continue smiling at them when they are cross

get facebook out of your life though, or at least block/delete her on facebook

Yeah I think replying to FB could be good if it's handled lightheartedly and non confrontation ally.

Eg

"Oh no! Who else upset your DD poor girl. I know my DD did at break time as she needed the loo and so your DD had no one to play with for the first 2 minutes of break".

It also highlights how without your DD, actually, her DD is pretty isolated. In fact it also highlights how this girl has learnt to get attention by being a drama queen.

I actually feel quite sorry for her actually - she obviously needs help and guidance in how to make and keep friends that she's clearly not going to get from her batshit mother.

i made sure my dd was in a different set at senior school due to nastiness of a primary school friend and her mother.

dont fall out with parents over childhood antics, as someone said to me once when a mother was furious at me following behaviour at a party. it was six of one and half a dozen of another, luckily this was pre facebook.

Replying on FB is exactly what Drama Mum wants -she's already playing to an audience on there- for goodness sake don't feed it.

I'd make an appointment to go and see the teacher and see what her take on it is. I'd also ask her to (and also pass on to the new teacher in September if it isn't her) that this friendship isn't encouraged by putting the girls in seperate groups , not seating them on the same table etc.

School is nearly over for the year .....a few playdates with other children in the class over the summer might be a good idea as well as some summer activities where your daughter can expand her social circle.

I certainly wouldn't select secondary school a year away based on where brat child is going. Choose the best school for your child and if the other child is going to the same school just tell the new school you don't want them in the same class . Most primary best friendships are replaced by new best friends in the first year of secondary school anyway.

The thing is, your dd may well be hiding in the loo hoping not to have to play with this frenemy!

My dd got taken over by a new girl at the school when she was about 9 and it was awful, because this girl would then cry to others or go to the teachers and my dd would be compelled to play with her as she was 'new'. The other girl wouldn't 'let' her play with others either and would have a massive paddy if she did.

In the end I had to teach my dd some strategies about being very firm- so 'I'll play with you this break, but am playing with Y in next break' as it was leaving her friendless and isolated.

Eventually the girl did move on, but I don't think there's any reason to disbelieve the OP's dd in saying that this girl uses crying/manipulation to secure her friendships, it's quite a well-used tactic at this age.

OP, does your dd want to carry on being friends? I'd definitely encourage a wider friendship circle whether that's a yes or a no.

And everyone is right, why be nice to the mum? You are teaching her it's just fine to blank you and then come back the next week. Stand up for yourself. If she isolates you from other mums/friends, then they will find out soon enough what she's like.

It's the fear of what will happen if you stand up for yourself which is at the heart of the problem, so model this for your dd and don't take any crap from this woman.

Just to underline - Mum doing the passive aggressive thing on FB is exactly the same behaviour as daughter is displaying at school gathering others around her and excluding her "friend" with tears.

And absolutely don't respond on Facebook, either block or unfriend her and move on, I wouldn't be hanging about to see what she had to say, it's immaterial to you.

Flappingbingowing do you think you're clever or something? Why are you posting that on lots of threads?

I also agree 'Bullies, Big-Mouths and So-Called Friends' is a great book, I've read it aloud with my 10 year old and it is a good way to think about friendships that are destructive as well as bullies.

talk to the school about it
keep them separate as much as you possibly can
encourage your dd to do other activities outside of school
i hope they will be going to different secondaries.

the girl sounds like an absolute nightmare and the mum worse. steer clear. unfriend/block on fb. she won't know.

Ugh sounds like a nightmare. I hate it when adults are so ridiculously immature.

Frenemies are a total pain to deal with and it really seems to happen more with girls for some reason. My DD isn't at school now (HE) but one of her old friends lives on our street and she can be very princessy and manipulative sometimes. Like yesterday saying that if DD didn't play with ONLY her (i.e. ignoring the other kids in the street who wanted to play with them) she would take back DD's birthday party invite. [headdesk] Thankfully though DD stood up for the other kids and the girl came back an hour after storming off, I think the mum (who unlike the mum in the OP is thoroughly aware of what her DD can be like) must have had words with her. DD was really upset all evening though as despite the fact it all worked out in the end, the girl put all the blame on DD. It's all so bloody petty but at that age it's a massive deal.

Anyway. Yes I agree speak to the teacher and see if they can shed any light on what goes on in the classroom. And YANBU!

Cath when my dd's were younger and fell out with friends the parents in the class agreed with each other not to react to petty squabbles between our children. Furthermore, that if a squabble looked like it was getting out of control then the parents would meet and look at ways to resolve the situation. Having this understanding in place enabled parents to contact each other without worrying.

The reason her posts are cryptic is because she can't write the actual truth without sounding ridiculous!

Use this latest incident as an excuse to ask the school to separate them, and help them find other friends. Your DD shouldn't be locked into this toxic friendship. Or have a meeting before the end of term and ask that the girls are in different classes next year, and kept apart as much as possible.

DO NOT ENGAGE ON FB !
Seriously it is exactly what she wants and will just fuel the drama.
I would quietly unfollow.
Take back the control, she blanks you and then you go back for more
Umm fuck that for a game of soldiers.
Be polite but cool and do not engage in anything other than politeness.
Rise above it OP and encourage your DD to quietly detach.

A problem is that this girl is effectively isolating Ops daughter if she has no one else to play with.
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And why should others just accept her when the other girl doesn't want her if she is not usually bothering with them?

I wouldn't bother with FB as imo it would just look as if you were being nasty about/making fun of the other girl.

And of course you might not know the complete truth any more than the other mother!