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Original poster

To be annoyed at how DD's friend's mum behaves?

178 replies

CathCurtains · 02/07/2016 22:09

DD (age 10, year 5) has been best friends with another girl since they were in reception. Her friend lives in the same road as us. She is a nice girl and she and DD are good friends, however she does have a tendency to be quite Princessy a lot of the time and is quite spoilt. DD says her friend will sometimes take offence at something very minor or will get into bad moods with DD for several days and won't tell DD why but will instead just blank her and ignore her. Don't get me wrong, I know what children are like and have no doubt at all that my DD isn't perfect, and I'm sure she does her fair share of that kind of behaviour. However I also know what kids are like, and the girls do usually end up best of friends again within a day or two at the most. DD says that whenever her friend gets in these moods or takes offence at minor things, she makes a huge deal about it and gets other kids flocking around her at school. DD is then sometimes left with no one to play with as they think she's been mean and the friend keeps crying and creating dramatics so that they are attentive to her.

The issue is with the friend's mum. As I said, the friend is quite spoilt and pampered, and also dramatic. The mum is very similar to her, and is attention seeking. Whenever her DD is in a bad mood with my DD, or there has been any conflict between the girls whatsoever, the mum just blanks me, and she will usually blank me for around a week and then when it's all blown over she will start talking to me again.

On Thursday at school the friend got cross with DD as DD needed the loo before going out at breaktime and friend was on her own in the playground for 2 minutes. She refused to speak to DD for the rest of the day and then came out of school crying loudly and in a very dramatic, fake way. Cue the mum then blanking me on Friday morning and afternoon. When everything is fine between the girls she is all nice and chatty.

She also paints her daughter as being a delicate precious little snowflake to others, and so sometimes when the girls fall out she will do a cryptic Facebook status that I know is aimed at DD. And then lots of other school mums, whom she's clearly moaned about DD to will reply to support her. On Thursday after the breaktime/loo incident and her DD coming out of school crying, the mum's status on Facebook was "Hate seeing my daughter so upset. It's not nice that one person can ruin her day". And then of course lots of other mums replied sending hugs to her daughter and saying poor little thing, she's such a lovely girl etc. I have no doubt that she bitches about DD and I to these other mums.

The blanking will go on for around a week. The mum drove past my house today when I was in the driveway and she blanked me. However I know DD and the friend will be best buddies again on Monday!!

Has anyone else had a similar issue with parents before? I guess the answer is to try to encourage DD to have other friendships, which we do do, however it's easier said than done if kids are determined to be friends isn't it? I know I shouldn't let the mum's behaviour bother me but it does, especially the airing dirty laundry on FB behaviour.

OP posts:
CaptainCrunch · 04/07/2016 11:37

Why are people encouraging the op to engage with this shite on fb? It's the worst "advice" possible.

WorraLiberty · 04/07/2016 11:41

OP, the mother is a narcissist, possibly even a sociopath. You've just described one to a T. Avoid, avoid, avoid! That is all you can do with these kinds of people.

Over reaction of the month Grin Grin

Vri123 · 04/07/2016 11:56

It is narcissistic behaviour though

Damselindestress · 04/07/2016 12:24

Wow. I would pity the other mother since she must have absolutely nothing going on in her life to get so involved and emotionally invested in playground squabbles. It's never easy seeing your child upset but minor disagreements with friends are part and parcel of growing up and it sounds like she is not teaching her child emotional resilience to deal with them. Her DD is learning from her to create drama out of nothing, like being left alone for 2 minutes because her friend needed the toilet! Even if there was something more going on, the mother should be mature enough to discuss it with you or the school, not exacerbate the situation with gossip and silent treatment. I'd tell your DD that it is not OK for her friend to treat her this way and encourage her to take a step back from the friendship and make other friends. If her friend continues to cause problems consider asking the school for advice on dealing with it and encouraging them to be more independent from each other. I would also block the mother so you don't have to deal with her drama.

Damselindestress · 04/07/2016 12:24

Wow. I would pity the other mother since she must have absolutely nothing going on in her life to get so involved and emotionally invested in playground squabbles. It's never easy seeing your child upset but minor disagreements with friends are part and parcel of growing up and it sounds like she is not teaching her child emotional resilience to deal with them. Her DD is learning from her to create drama out of nothing, like being left alone for 2 minutes because her friend needed the toilet! Even if there was something more going on, the mother should be mature enough to discuss it with you or the school, not exacerbate the situation with gossip and silent treatment. I'd tell your DD that it is not OK for her friend to treat her this way and encourage her to take a step back from the friendship and make other friends. If her friend continues to cause problems consider asking the school for advice on dealing with it and encouraging them to be more independent from each other. I would also block the mother so you don't have to deal with her drama.

AnnieNoMouse · 04/07/2016 12:31

liz09 the only sore spot you hit with me is the one that goes FFS and rolls eyes whenever one randomer off the net diagnoses another randomer based on a few words posted by yet another randomer.
X or Y may, on the basis of the description you have read, exhibit traits that are also associated with certain PDs - that does not provide the definite diagnosis that you so emphatically provided.

Damselindestress · 04/07/2016 12:32

Sorry not sure why that posted twice!

ilovechocolate07 · 04/07/2016 12:36

Hi, my sis recently had these issues too. Sounds very similar in that my niece's best friend sometimes ignores her or is mean to her and says they aren't friends anymore which has resulted in said girl's mum posting on Facebook and having others (who have no idea) commenting on this fictional situation. My sis spoke to the mum calmly and said that she didn't appreciate this and that no child is perfect but she won't have anybody discussing her daughter and it seems to have blown over a bit. My niece takes this quite badly and is upset a lot lately so she is being encouraged to make other friends.

Ellioru · 04/07/2016 13:06

If a parent at my child's school was posting cryptic Facebook statuses about him and potentionally speaking badly of him with other mums through no fault of his own, that person would not be on my Facebook. Any friendship that was there would now be gone.

You need to set an example for your DD and show that it's not okay to put up with this kind of bullshit. Make new friends, move on. It is not worth the hassle.

Heatherplant · 04/07/2016 14:09

Not sure if it's already been mentioned but it's possible to un follow on Facebook. Not as drastic as un friending someone but it means you aren't subjected to their status updates. Sounds like she loves a bit of drama, don't feed into it just bloody ignore her but build confidence in your DD and widen her social circle with out of school clubs.

greta · 04/07/2016 17:40

There is a book I found really helpful dealing with friend and similar issues. Remember the film "Mean Girls"? Based on a book called Queen Bees and Wannabes, useful both for son and daughter issues and even just getting them to read the list of roles in girls power groups was really helpful. Good luck with it

wisba · 04/07/2016 18:04

If I were you I would seriously be thinking about moving school, you and your daughter don't need to put up with this kind of behaviour. I am guessing there aren't many other friendships options for your daughter within her class (even if her "friend" would "allow" it). There is a big world out there full of girls who would be fantastic friends for your daughter, just be brave and make the move. Good luck!

mygorgeousmilo · 04/07/2016 18:09

Oh dear god, I have one of these nightmare mums at my school - you have my sympathy! Firstly, block on Facebook. Secondly, speak to the teachers about this dynamic between the two girls and how you'd like it to be addressed. Thirdly...You need to teach your daughter how to be assertive around this type of person, you can do this by cutting of the drama supply of the mum, the daughter will then follow. Last but not least, encourage other friendships, and start gently distancing the girls from one another. I think your daughter is old enough for you to have a non- mean girls chat with her about the behaviour of the other girl, and to begin to understand that this type of toxic friendship is not worth the energy.

Carolbetty · 04/07/2016 18:21

Just hang on a year. Secondary school will change everything (including friendships with luck)

0dfod · 04/07/2016 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hiddenaspie1973 · 04/07/2016 18:33

Drama drama mum. Ugh!🙄
I would unfollow her on Facebook first. Block if you need to.
Choose whether you wish to acknowledge the mum on a day by day basis. It's not unreasonable - it works for her! Who's got time for all this drama? At least in a few years school mum shit will all be over 😆

I agree with another poster who gives examples of phrases your DD should use with this girl.

You can't choose her mates, I have similar issues with my girl. I have serious misgivings about a couple of her so called mates. But all I can do us help her deal with them. 🙄

ProphetOfDoom · 04/07/2016 18:46

I'd speak to the class teacher to a) try and get the full picture in case there's some aspect DD can't quite verbalise b) explain the friendship dynamic and how the mother has taken to social media (that will tell the school everything). Ask them to encourage a wider friendship group for DD.

And yes to distancing yourself and DD from this nastiness socially. Encourage summer play dates with others. Be clear to others if it comes up that you have no time for that kind of drama nonsense, particularly when the mother takes her campaign online against a child & the school are aware.

Craigie · 04/07/2016 18:59

I hate to say it, but this is bog standard girl/mother behaviour. I LONG for the days when our mothers didn't have a clue/inclination/any interest in our friendships and left us to get on with things. My mother wouldn't have lowered herself to behave like this, or got so closely involved in our lives.

MelbourneClown03 · 04/07/2016 19:00

What Princess Jnr is doing is emotionally bullying your DD. That is not acceptable. The fact that Princess Snr is in cahoots with her DD is even worse. Speak to your DD's class teacher and explain that you're worried about the dynamic of the friendship. Your DD's class teacher may be able to suggest some other suitable playdates for your DD.
As for dealing with Princess snr. my best advice is to rise above it. Keep it civil with her when she deigns to talk to you but keep it cool. She may realise that she has offended you... but probably not, if she's so wrapped up in the drama of her and her DD's life.
1 more year to senior school and a plethora of new potential friendships for your DD.

greta · 04/07/2016 19:12

In these situations I found the book Queen Bees and Wannabes (Mean Girls film was based on this,) really helpful for both son and daughter when they went through situations at primary school. Even just allowing them to read the list of roles that girls take in girl power politics - queen bee, sidekick, messenger, torn bystander and what they involve helped them to understand and deal with what was going on. Good luck with it.

greenfolder · 04/07/2016 19:20

the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

disengage

teach your daughter to disengage

reinforce your daughters right to disengage with the school if needs be

ghostspirit · 04/07/2016 19:36

if it was me i would hide the news feed on fb or maybe remove the mum on the friends list. so i did not have to look at the status aimed at my child.

i would then distance myself from the parent. by being busy in a rush ect.

for me i dont get invloved with kids when they fall out. the kids are friends again within a couple of days but the parents are still continuing it.

EverythingWillBeFine · 04/07/2016 19:51

I would stay just at the 'be polite' level with the mum and block her on FB.
Encourage your dd to make friends with others and tbh also point out to her the other child's behaviour. Not in a nasty way but in a 'look at what is going on there'. That friend is a god send to teach your dd how NOT to behave and what to look for or be weary of in a 'friend'.

If this means that your dd regularly finds herself on her own in the playground, then I would involve the teacher.

Also remember that your dd will ony be at primary for another year. A year is long but then in a year, she will also have plenty of opportunities to make new friends.

MurphysChild · 04/07/2016 20:05

And once again I say I * hate FB. Zuckerberg you have a lot to answer for.

This will pass, spoilt bitch will always be so, as she gets older her "friends" will drop off, her mother will ramp up the victim claims of bullying with the schools, the school will tire of it, said daughter will go to a different school, she won't have any friends there, she will start uni and her peers will be even less tolerant of her princess ways. She won't understand what went wrong, her mother is to blame.

Been ther, done it, not once but a couple of times with each child. I thank my lucky stars every day that my DC moved away from The Brats on their own and found life long and like minded friends.

MomOfTwins2 · 04/07/2016 20:11

I understand what you're going through. I live in a small village with a very petty, small-minded mentality. If your family hasn't lived here for 300 years you're an outsider. I made a comment on FB about a school book I thought was inappropriate for my girls (twins, 7, Y3). Didn't mention the school, class or any names. The head wrote me a stinking letter and has ignored me since. I had messages on FB telling me I was no longer welcome in the village and need to go back to where I came from (been here 3 years). My daughters, who are probably the best behaved, most polite kids in the village, were slagged off on FB, called ill-mannered brats, and haven't been invited to any birthday parties since. My daughter had a sore throat and refused to eat anything for 3 days, and the head reported me to Social Services for suspected child abuse. In short, I unfriended every parent in the village on FB, and I am moving to another county where the girls will be in a much bigger school without the pettiness of a small school.

My advice would be to ignore the mother and her behaviour, and encourage your daughter to make different friends. In the end this type of behaviour by the other woman and her DD amounts to mental and emotional abuse, and that's really not what you want to teach your DD is acceptable. And I know, my ex mentally and emotionally abused me for years and it had a huge impact on my DDs. Good luck.x