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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

War at home

155 replies

Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 15:54

Just need a different perspective... My fifteen year old daughter hates her stepfather and causes a lot of friction in the house. Last night I told her she wasn't going out as her bedroom was a mess. She screamed at me and told me that I can't tell her what to do. I tried to restrain her from leaving which resulted in me pushing her on her bed and she kicked me. She left the house anyway and slept out at a friends house. My husband has called her an animal and said that she's a spoilt little bitch who is irrelevant. It's not the first time he has called her names. He acts like a two year old regarding her when he should man up and be the adult. Our relationship is not great anyway and this doesn't help. I have thought about leaving him but he said that if I did he would have no further contact with our two year old daughter who adores him, as he doesn't want to be a part time father. AIBU to put our daughters happiness above mine and my teenager's or should I not let him hold me to ransom? Financially I'd be stuffed without him but feel that my family may behappier as tthere's tension between him and my teen when he's around. Really don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 02/07/2016 15:57

he would have no further contact with our two year old daughter who adores him, as he doesn't want to be a part time father

His loss. He sounds like a right twat - basically blackmailing you to stay. Is this really what you want?

sepa · 02/07/2016 15:58

Your 2year old would be happier in a house without friction.

My stepmum hates me. I no longer speak to my dad (other reasons also though). Being around her was toxic to my life and I am still affected by the names she called me!

You need to do what is right by all 3 of you and cannot put 1 of your children's happiness above the other!

Your husband is a complete arsehole if he won't see his daughter because you have split up. He doesn't deserve to be around her if this is how he feels

PeaceNotPieces · 02/07/2016 15:59

Is your dd OK with you at any time at all? When did the problems with your dd start?

Pearlman · 02/07/2016 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

willconcern · 02/07/2016 16:01

why does she hate him? Is it because he talks about her as"an animal" and "a spoilt bitch who is irrelevant"? And you also physically restrain her, pushing her on her bed.

Nice.

Leave him. He sounds like a horrible, horrible man.

In answer to your question, AIBU to put your younger daughter's happiness above yours and your teenagers, yes you are.

Put all of your children's happiness first, and get away from any man who calls your daugher an "animal". You will lose your daughter.

Original poster
Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 16:03

Thanks DoreenLethal. My head tells me to leave but my heart says that I already had one broken family and don't want to put another innocent child through that. If he would maintain contact with our little girl it would be a no brained. I don't want to explain why her dad was absent when she gets big as it will all be my fault as usual.

OP posts:
PeaceNotPieces · 02/07/2016 16:06

If you leave to make your dd happy and your DP chooses not to see his dd-that is what you tell your dd.

He sounds like a dick tbh

Wishing you lots of support

Original poster
Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 16:07

I feel I am close to losing her anyway. She's self harmed in the past and uses that as a tool against me. She's better behaved when he's not here (he works away) but she's no angel. I hate myself for pushing her on the bed, didn't know how else to stop her from leaving. She's 15 and I was scared stiff as I didn't know where she would go. There's less tension when she's out as I tend to get on with my life and try to live in peace with my husband (amicable silence a lot of the time)

OP posts:
Original poster
Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 16:10

Thanks for your responses. My daughter lived with my ex husband for three years after our divorce and came to live with my husband and I last year. She'd been in trouble with her dad and we thought it would be good to give her a fresh start. Her stepdad is emotionally immature and sometimes when the two of them start at each other I just want to disappear.

OP posts:
mrsfuzzy · 02/07/2016 16:16

what advice would you give to a friend in the same situation ? this is a negative situation all round, you are not doing your 15 yo any favours by staying around this person, it will cause your dds no harm to get away from him, teens kick off but he is making the situation impossible, won't see his dd ? she's 2, she won't remember him in a couple of years but she will remember a shit family life in 10 if you stay with him. leave him, not easy but millions have done it before you and they have coped, you will too. good luck !

YesOfCourseAlways · 02/07/2016 16:17

I would get rid of your dh, he sounds awful and you would all be better off without him. Focus on repairing your relationship with your daughter. It sounds like she has had a difficult few years, making her a priority now could make a huge difference to her future happiness. Look for some counselling for both of you and reassure her that your daughters are the most important people in your life. Good luck

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/07/2016 16:23

Your brain must be fried. Read back what you've written. Your DH said he would refuse to ever see his own child again if you left him. You are giving this as a reason to stay. That's bizarre.

He just told you he doesn't give a shit about his child, he doesn't love her, he would happily hurt her to hurt you. He has no problem being an arse with your older daughter so I would be inclined to believe him.

These are the reasons to leave. Not the reasons to stay.

When stepdad starts on older DD, your reaction should be to want him to disappear, not to want yourself to disappear.

Original poster
Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 16:47

Thank you so much for your good wishes and hard hitting truths. He has just said to me that if I leave he won't see our daughter until she's 18 and it will all be my teens fault. I fail to understand how a man can be that cruel. He's actually a brilliant dad to our dd which is why I have stayed thus far.

OP posts:
mrsfuzzy · 02/07/2016 17:12

his dd might not want to see him when she's 18, get legal advice and get things started. if you love your dds do the right thing for them.

YesOfCourseAlways · 02/07/2016 17:14

I'd say he's all talk, he's trying to emotionally blackmail you. Call his bluff. Decent people don't make threats like that, you don't need this guy in your life.

Naicehamshop · 02/07/2016 17:22

My God - his comments are horrible. He doesn't sound like a good person to have in your children's lives. Bite the bullet OP and get rid.
Good luck. Flowers

user1467101855 · 02/07/2016 17:28

He's not a brilliant dad at all though.

Don't be one of those mothers: the ones that put a man before their children. You will lose your older daughter and your younger one won't have much respect for you either.

pearlylum · 02/07/2016 17:37

You are having physical fights with your daughter and you allow your boyfriend to emotionally abuse her?
Shame on you OP.

IJustLostTheGame · 02/07/2016 17:40

He's not a brilliant dad. Nobody who threatens to abandon their own child completely could ever be a great dad.

SeaCabbage · 02/07/2016 17:40

One other thing I picked up on out of your thread.

Had you warned your daughter that if she didn't tidy her room then she wouldn't be allowed out? Or did you just throw that punishment at her? If you hadn't warned her properly then I 'm not surprised she got annoyed.

mrsfuzzy · 02/07/2016 17:41

fmum if you seriously think he's a 'brilliant dad to our dd' i think you must be slightly deluded about this person, you have TWO dds not just one. they need you as the adult to protect them, even if he's not physically abusive, mental and emotional abuse is equally wrong.

pearlylum · 02/07/2016 17:43

My husband has called her an animal and said that she's a spoilt little bitch who is irrelevant. It's not the first time he has called her names.

Sounds a perfect dad.

Goingtobeawesome · 02/07/2016 17:45

No brainer. He goes. An abusive father is not better than none.

He's not a brilliant father when he threatens her mother HmmSad.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/07/2016 17:47

What does he do that makes him such a brilliant dad?

He is behaving like a two year old towards a vulnerable teen and says he will abandon his two year old. He gives you the silent treatment in front of them.

That's not giving me "brilliant dad" vibes. I am intrigued. What is does he do that is so very brilliant?

Lunar1 · 02/07/2016 17:52

How on earth can you think this man is a brilliant dad? Your perspective of what is ok is completely off centre. Chose both your children and get rid of this man. Your eldest sounds like she has had a really rough ride, I feel so sorry for her.

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