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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

War at home

155 replies

Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 15:54

Just need a different perspective... My fifteen year old daughter hates her stepfather and causes a lot of friction in the house. Last night I told her she wasn't going out as her bedroom was a mess. She screamed at me and told me that I can't tell her what to do. I tried to restrain her from leaving which resulted in me pushing her on her bed and she kicked me. She left the house anyway and slept out at a friends house. My husband has called her an animal and said that she's a spoilt little bitch who is irrelevant. It's not the first time he has called her names. He acts like a two year old regarding her when he should man up and be the adult. Our relationship is not great anyway and this doesn't help. I have thought about leaving him but he said that if I did he would have no further contact with our two year old daughter who adores him, as he doesn't want to be a part time father. AIBU to put our daughters happiness above mine and my teenager's or should I not let him hold me to ransom? Financially I'd be stuffed without him but feel that my family may behappier as tthere's tension between him and my teen when he's around. Really don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 22:55

To be honest it's a long time coming. I have put up with harsh words, name calling and giving her stricter consequences for bad behaviour just to appease him. Last night was just the last straw. My sister suggested counselling but he won't go. I have had answers from my family but needed the opinions of neutral people. We are sitting in silence as he can't and won't believe that it's any of his fault. I cannot reason with a man who is blameless. Thank you for your kind words. My heart is breaking but it will work out ok

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 02/07/2016 22:55

'He's still being the victim and telling me it's all my dds fault.'

Of course he is, because the alternative is that he acknowledges that he's an adult who's capable of taking advantage of the power he has over a 15 YO girl, and that won't fit with the kind of person he likes to see himself as.

He may well be a totally OK bloke for the other 90% of the time (my DH was) but you shouldn't let that block out the fact that he's alright with scapegoating your DD1 and trying to get you to collude with him.

My DD didn't want her Dad to leave (although fuck knows why given how he treated her) but I totally shouldered the responsibility for the decision that he couldn't stay.

Regardless of how he might spin it to other people, regardless of whether DD would blame me or herself for what happened, regardless of the fact that we'd been happily married for 15 years, because I just knew that I was doing the right thing for the right reasons.

Yes, it'll be hard going until things settle down again, but you'd be in a far worse place if you listen to the flannel he's giving you about it being your DDs fault.

Always turn it back around onto him, never go along with him saying he's justified in treating your lovely DD like shit on his shoe, and don't let him drag your younger DD in. This is the time to your DD how she should expect to be treated by those around her Flowers

DeadGood · 02/07/2016 23:02

Good luck OP, it's the right thing to do Flowers

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 02/07/2016 23:05

I cannot reason with a man who is blameless

You don't have to, a break up doesn't have to be mutually agreed.

Original poster
Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 23:18

Thanks. It's not mutually agreed. I'm being threatened with social services because I'm allowing our dd to live with an unstable brat who self harms and may harm our dd!!! Unbelievable what can come out. Didn't know he could get this nasty. I feel sorry for him but am going to have a struggle. I can't afford to be nice guy all the time. Men can be so unreasonable at times. I will be better off alone.

OP posts:
AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 02/07/2016 23:32

He's a nasty idiot, don't let him shake you up
He won't go to SS, because if he did, they'ld be more concerned about his total lack of compassion towards his step child than about the siblings living in the same house (which they'll almost always encourage)

AgentZigzag · 02/07/2016 23:37

He really is desperate to cling on to this idea that he's a reasonable man and totally justified in isolating you from your DD and excluding her from a happy, stable and safe home (that I think she has a right to).

Don't be put off with him threatening to call SS (I don't believe for a minute that he will), the only thing they'll see is that you're protecting your DD, and when you tell them why you've had to, then he can account for his behaviour to them as well (and have to have his contact supervised with DD2?).

You will be better off without him but you won't be alone, you'll have your daughters - as well as us internet randoms Smile

ohtheholidays · 03/07/2016 00:22

You can do this OP,I'm so sorry you've been put into this situation by your husband.I've been where you are but I've made it out the other side and you can get through this to.

Don't pin everything on your DD's behaviour changing over night though,you may see some positive changes in the way she is in herself and with you quite quickly but it's more likely that it will take a while.
Once he's out of the house and things have started settling down for you all maybe try suggesting the counselling again either for you and your daughter to attend together or separately,which ever way she's the most comfortable with

Atenco · 03/07/2016 02:28

It looks like you are making the right choice, OP. A friend of mine kicked her 15-year-old son out because he had conflict with his step-dad and i have never forgiven her.

pearlylum · 03/07/2016 05:49

Fmumofthree I have no sympathy for you.
You have allowed a man to abuse your daughter.
You are as guilty as him.
I wouldn't blame your daughter of she walked off the moment she turns 16. She deserves a better life than being abused by some randomer and a mother who has selfish priorities. poor girl. You have failed her badly.

NelAntarctic · 03/07/2016 06:30

pearly you've made your opinions perfectly clear and it seems that OP's situation has hit a nerve with you. Back off the thread like you said you would if you cannot offer practical advice here. OP has progressed since her initial post and she's needing practical advice and not someone running in and out of the thread sticking their boot in.

pearlylum · 03/07/2016 06:40

No raw nerve here. Other than a deep respect for children.
No I wont back off thanks. The OP needs a wake up call. The practical advice is clear.
Ditch this pathetic man and try to salvage what you can of the relationship you have with your daughter.

NelAntarctic · 03/07/2016 07:03

Your deep respect for children sticking the boot in is going to de-rail her, Pearly. Keep up with the thread.

pearlylum · 03/07/2016 07:15

I am gobsmacked that the OP is even swithering.

NelAntarctic · 03/07/2016 07:28

OP, keep your resolve now. If it were me, I wouldn't be begging for him to maintain contact with your youngest DD - she's his bargaining chip in this whole sorry situation and knows he can keep you in your place with his pathetic threats.

I'd also be telling him that despite previously loving his relationship with your youngest, any man that would threaten to abandon a child isn't a Dad at all. And as for SS? Tell him to jog on. They'd be most interested to hear his vile name calling to your other DD.

You need time and patience to repair the damage to your 15 year old DD. The very first step is breaking free of his toxic influence. Keep going. I urge you.

Fidelia · 03/07/2016 07:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fidelia · 03/07/2016 07:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mycraneisfixed · 03/07/2016 07:32

What a horrible selfish bastard you married! I feel very sorry for your 15 yo DD. Not surprised she's playing up: she must feel very unwanted and unloved. Put your DDs first and stop toadying up to the creep.

downright · 03/07/2016 07:39

You're doing the right thing OP, stay strong.

Wouldn't it be nice if people RTFT before commenting?

NelAntarctic · 03/07/2016 07:41

Fidelia good post.

Hope your OK Fmum.

NelAntarctic · 03/07/2016 07:41

You're Hmm

Dozer · 03/07/2016 07:54

Couples' counselling isn't recommended if someone is abusive, as your H is. Counselling might be good for you and teen DD though.

Original poster
Fmumofthree · 03/07/2016 09:41

Thanks for your comments. I tossed and turned on the couch all night worried sick about our future. My dd slept at my sisters and had a good talk with her. My sister said that dd is willing to forgive my h if he apologises and they can just live separate lives which is very noble of her. I don't see it as a solution though. I need her to feel safe and wanted again and he will never want her. I've told him that I need my name off the house deeds and I'm going to citizens advice tomorrow to discuss any options with them. He said some horrible things to me in the early hours of the morning, blaming me for wrecking his life and taking his little dd away from him. We don't need this kind of crap. Looking back I can't believe how it's all gone wrong. I would have encouraged anyone in my situation to leave. It's just harder when it's actually you.

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 03/07/2016 10:03

If you take your name off the house deeds, make sure you get adequate financial compensation.

user1467101855 · 03/07/2016 11:05

You can't just take your name off the deeds of a house. If you have a mortgage you are both fully liable, you will have to one of you buy the other out or sell the house.