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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

War at home

155 replies

Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 15:54

Just need a different perspective... My fifteen year old daughter hates her stepfather and causes a lot of friction in the house. Last night I told her she wasn't going out as her bedroom was a mess. She screamed at me and told me that I can't tell her what to do. I tried to restrain her from leaving which resulted in me pushing her on her bed and she kicked me. She left the house anyway and slept out at a friends house. My husband has called her an animal and said that she's a spoilt little bitch who is irrelevant. It's not the first time he has called her names. He acts like a two year old regarding her when he should man up and be the adult. Our relationship is not great anyway and this doesn't help. I have thought about leaving him but he said that if I did he would have no further contact with our two year old daughter who adores him, as he doesn't want to be a part time father. AIBU to put our daughters happiness above mine and my teenager's or should I not let him hold me to ransom? Financially I'd be stuffed without him but feel that my family may behappier as tthere's tension between him and my teen when he's around. Really don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Lunar1 · 02/07/2016 18:46

Sounds like you just want things to work out with your new family and your eldest is just inconvenient.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 02/07/2016 18:48

And what about your toddler's relationship with her big sister?

It can hardly thrive in these conditions can it?
So you're already depriving your toddler of that

backwardpossom · 02/07/2016 18:50

Anyone who threatens he will break all contact with his toddler dd if you leave is not a "great dad". FFS, who threatens shit like that? He's a child. Get rid. Your dds will both be better off without him, as will you.

SpookyRachel · 02/07/2016 18:53

Your relationship with your dd doesn't end when she leaves home, OP. Unless part of is kind of counting on that?

Look, you're getting a rough ride and I'm sorry if some of this stuff is difficult to hear. But I think you are failing to understand the enormity of what has happened to your dd here. She has only recently suffered the disruption of the home she had with her dad, and moved into yours. You've been shoved into full-time parenting of a teenager (how much did you see her before?) and seem to be prioritising a unilateral set of rules, without perhaps fully realising how different parenting a teenager is from parenting a much younger child, and without any appreciation of the emotional trauma she has suffered. She is self harming, for gods sake. Her distress is just so much more important than the house rules. And reflect that if your dp is so crap at relating to this teenager, he may be equally crap when it comes to parenting his own in 10 years time.

WellErrr · 02/07/2016 18:54

OP you are utterly deluded. You have failed this child. I feel really sorry for her and think I'd be a 'brat' too in her situation.

You say your husband is a brilliant father to your 2 year old. He can't be that keen on her though if he'd voluntarily abandon her for 16 years just to punish you.

You need to have a really good read through these replies. Sorry to be blunt but truthfully I think you need to hear it.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 02/07/2016 18:54

Your dds will both be better off without him, as will you.

The DDs would be, particularly the little one who'll have a chance to have a really good relationship with her big sis when she's not being used as a weapon against her

Although not sure the OP will, if she doesn't do some serious reflecting, she'll be one of the type who would throw the split back in the DDs face for years to come ("and I left my husband for you")

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/07/2016 18:56

If he was nice to his SDD at first but started to dislike her when she was typically teenage risk, why do you thing he's going to be a good dad to his DD when she gets older and starts to have opinions of her own. A man who gives ultimatums over seeing his own daughter like that isn't interested in what's best for her but only what works for him.

Sitting on the sidelines here I would suggest you leave him and let both you DDs develop and grow up away from such a toxic male role model. Alternatively, would you be able to access some kind of family counseling (and would everybody go if you could)? I suspect that's just delaying the inevitable though.

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/07/2016 18:57

*Typically teenager-ish not teenager risk!

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 02/07/2016 18:57

And reflect that if your dp is so crap at relating to this teenager, he may be equally crap when it comes to parenting his own in 10 years time.

Exactly! toddlers do ocassionally act up, but generally they think you're their super hero (even if you're a mediocre parent) and adore their care givers.

Look what happens when someone doesn't worship the ground your DH walks on? It's not pretty is it?

NotEnoughTime · 02/07/2016 18:58

Please please please put your children before him.

I promise you that you won't regret it if you do.

I will say no more than that as I'm too Angry and Sad on your DC's behalf.

I wish you strength of mind Flowers

YesOfCourseAlways · 02/07/2016 19:00

There's a reason why your dd is behaving the way she is, you must know that. I'd bet that it's not because she an entitled brat, more likely she's deeply unhappy due to her family circumstances. You have a chance to turn that around by choosing her over your abusive husband.

I am the mother of teens, you have to pick your battles. Their room is their territory, if she wants to live in a pig sty let her. Getting into a physical fight over it is a sign that there is something very wrong in your relationship. Poor girl, I feel very sorry for her.

Original poster
Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 19:02

You're all so right. I'm in tears as I read this. My oldest daughter doesn't feel comfortable in our house either and only visits when dh is not home. I used to have a family home full of children, their friends, my friends and family. Dh likes it to be just us. He has no real friends and family and his ex warned me that he wouldn't accept my children. I never really wanted to admit all this but your comments (however harsh) have made me realise the truth. I can't believe I let a man dictate to me. I really need to sort this out. My dd has gone to my sister's house tonight and I'm going to tell dh that it's time we split for all our sakes. I just hope and pray that he doesn't abandon our lovely little dd.

OP posts:
AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 02/07/2016 19:03

do I tear the family apart and destroy my toddlers great relationship with her dad?

If your DH choses to destroy his relationship with his DD just to punish you and your older daughter, and to get revenge for you leaving him.. that'll be his doing not yours

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 02/07/2016 19:04

Good luck OP x

CrazyCatLaydee123 · 02/07/2016 19:05

LTB. He sounds like a C word.

SpookyRachel · 02/07/2016 19:06

Oh OP Wine Brew Cake Flowers

greatscott81 · 02/07/2016 19:07

He isn't a brilliant dad. He is trying to manipulate and control you and is using your child as a bartering tool. I have first hand experience of this and you need to get away from him. Both of your children would be better off without his vile presence. Sorry to be so heavy handed, but I wish someone had done so with me. Best of luck, the fact you have seen this happening shows you're an excellent mum who has her children's welfare as her priority.

SpookyRachel · 02/07/2016 19:08

You are being very brave in facing up to this. Have courage. Remember, when he is threatening you that he will abandon his dd, that you are not disrupting a happy home. He is doing that. And, with him, it will only and inevitably get worse.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 02/07/2016 19:09

This man will damage all 3 of you if you let him: his threats show that he's a seriously bad parent. Your teenage dd is very vulnerable. You could lose her altogether.

She deserves better from you than to take his side. Be her mother, not his doormat.

ShortBreadEater · 02/07/2016 19:09

Oh, FMum, you're being so brave with this. Good luck. Your daughter will thank you for this one day, might not be during the teen years, given. But she will.

Soon your house will be filled with your children, both grown and small and their friends again. You'll get through this, the relationships board might be worth a look, it's a brilliant resource.

Good luck to you and your daughters. x

Clandestino · 02/07/2016 19:11

Your children should always be your priority. It sounds like you are constantly choosing your partner over your daughter who needs you. She is a teenager who probably doesn't even remember when she has ever had a stable home with love and emotional support, no wonder she's kicking off.

whois · 02/07/2016 19:18

This makes me so angry.

A grown woman putting her pathetic need for 'a man, any man' a over her children's happiness.

Grow up and be the mother your daughter needs you to be.

lalalalyra · 02/07/2016 19:20

Well done for making that decision.

You are doing the best for all of you children. Anytime you think about relenting as yourself what is he going to be like when your joint DD is a teenager? Because she's not likely to be any less hard work than your younger DD. Teenagers are tough, it manifests itself in many ways, but they are all tough work.

You are teaching your daughters a valuable lesson here. It's not about putting your younger DD's happiness ahead of your elder's, it's about showing them that their partner shouldn't be able to bully and blackmail them into something. Showing them that they are equally important (a good lesson for them both) to YOU.

Re the bedroom - seriously pick your battles. I have 2 rules with the bedrooms of the teenagers - I don't want to see it (so it has to be clear enough that the door can shut) and I don't want to smell it (so they have to bring down any glasses etc and open the window). That's it. It's them that suffers when their washing isn't done or they can't find something, not me.

Good luck. Keep in mind that if he abandons your lovely little DD now he'll not being doing so because of you, he'll be doing so because he was always going to do that when things got tough.

Original poster
Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 19:26

I am not the type who needs a man, I've always been happier on my own tbh. I would have left him already if we didn't have a child together. I saw the devastation that my divorce caused and didn't want to break up another family. My daughters adore each other which is creditrto my teen as it would be easy for her to dislike her little sister as she gets more attention from her dad than my ex gives my teen. I just want peace. I love my girls very much and we usually make a good team. I make no excuses for her behaviour but I understand that she has been hurt by the divorce. I tried family counselling buy I was the only one participating. My daughter didn't want to discuss anything with a stranger and my husband refused to go. I've asked out hv for advice but got nowhere. I don't want an unhappy home when we all deserve better.IIt's only my little girl that really worries me. I've been a crap mum for putting up with this and have to put it right. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
ClashCityRocker · 02/07/2016 19:27

To be honest, what sort of dad is he if he'd just fuck his dd off because he didn't agree with you? So much for unconditional love. I know dads who drive a six hour round trip to spend the day with their kids.

I think you know the right thing to do and I wish you strength Flowers

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