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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

War at home

155 replies

Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 15:54

Just need a different perspective... My fifteen year old daughter hates her stepfather and causes a lot of friction in the house. Last night I told her she wasn't going out as her bedroom was a mess. She screamed at me and told me that I can't tell her what to do. I tried to restrain her from leaving which resulted in me pushing her on her bed and she kicked me. She left the house anyway and slept out at a friends house. My husband has called her an animal and said that she's a spoilt little bitch who is irrelevant. It's not the first time he has called her names. He acts like a two year old regarding her when he should man up and be the adult. Our relationship is not great anyway and this doesn't help. I have thought about leaving him but he said that if I did he would have no further contact with our two year old daughter who adores him, as he doesn't want to be a part time father. AIBU to put our daughters happiness above mine and my teenager's or should I not let him hold me to ransom? Financially I'd be stuffed without him but feel that my family may behappier as tthere's tension between him and my teen when he's around. Really don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
redexpat · 02/07/2016 19:27

I see several issues that need addressing here.

  1. 'D'Hs treatment of the children. I know you say he is brilliant with the 2yo, but what happens when she is 15 and answers back? He is the adult in this situation, he should have made more of an effort in the beginning. As for threatening you with never seeing dd again, the most any court will give him is 50%, probably less since she is so young. And you wont be the one tearing this family apart. That will be on him. And wonderful fathers dont verbally abuse older siblings. He is showing the 2yo how to act. What kind of role example is that? He may also be damaging the relationship between the 2 siblings.
  1. Your relationship with dd. Do you have any one to one time? Have you asked her what she thinks is reasonable to expect from her. I think you should google love languages, get dd to do the test to find out what hers is, and start 'speaking' it.
  1. School. Have you talked to her about why she is in trouble? Is she bored? Is she disrupting lessons? Not doing homework? What have school said about it? Have you had any meetings with them to try and collectively addtess the issues?
  1. Her room. Do you know what? Its her space. Let her do with it as she pleases. Close the door so you dont have to look at it. If she takes plates and cups and doesnt bring them back then she only gets paper ones. Laundry must be in the basket or it doesnt get washed.
  1. Her dad. What is your relationship like with him now? Could you get him on board with any of this? What is her relationship like with him? I suppose what i am asking is does she have an adult she can turn to for support? You mentioned previous selfharm. Is she currently getting any therapy for this? And is she getting enough sleep?
MrsRog23 · 02/07/2016 19:46

Sounds like a fucking gem of a fella. You've got a teenager, they're hard work and how dare he call her that! I'm sorry but your 2yo might miss daddy for a bit but if he's prepared to cut her out completely then he clearly doesn't think the world of her does he? Having kids when divorced or separated isn't being a part-time parent, you NEVER stop being a parent. I can't blame you for wanting to leave him, if I was you I'd have took the girls and gone. Good luck lovely xx

WellErrr · 02/07/2016 19:49

I hope you're telling the truth OP. I hope you really have decided to put your daughters first.

T0ddlerSlave · 02/07/2016 19:50

My dad remarried when I was 13 and my DB was 16. She was a dominant character who overpowered my dad's decisions and was as childish as I was. I certainly pushed her buttons when I was a teen but she didn't act like the adult.

she ruined the relationship us kids had with my dad as we couldn't respect someone who let himself and his kids be treated without respect.

I'd hate the same to happen between you and your kids.

Original poster
Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 19:50

Hi redexpat. I shall Google love languages with her, never heard of it, thank you. She was caught smoking at school and was disrespectful to a teacher. I have had a meeting with the school and we're all working together. I agree to a degree about her room but she isn't just untidy, she's filthy. I tell her that I won't wash her clothes if they're not brought down for me but cave in late on a Sunday night when her uniform is still not washed. I let her go to school once in a dirty uniform. She didn't care and I felt awful. Her father lives overseas. I have given her a phone specifically for calling him with cheaper rate sim card. I top it up readily and would never restrict access. She's close to my sister and her older sister so she does have adults to turn to. We're a close family and help each other out which is why she's staying at my sisters house tonight. We went for counselling for the self harm as I begged my doctor for help but she went for counselling twice and didn't see any need to return. I couldn't force her. She doesn't do it anymore thank goodness but it was a cry for help. Incidentally, when I met my husband he told me he was a family man but I've hardly met any of his family. I should have flagged it then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 19:56

I'm sorry about your experience toddlerslave. My ex has a gf who was wonderful to my dd when she lived with them. She's a lovely woman. I've always maintained that no matter what the children come first which is why I can't believe the mess I have allowed to happen. But it is what it is. I have been to hell and back before and am prepared for a rough ride. I'm so glad I reached out and asked opinions of neutral people. Sometimes its what we need to do to be told the truth of the situation. I've had a slap in the face from some of the comments. It was necessary.

OP posts:
cupofrooibos · 02/07/2016 19:58

I think leaving him will send a message loud and clear to your eldest daughter - that the safety and happiness of her and her sister are your utmost priority - and it sounds like she needs to hear it after a tough few years. This decision will come to be enormously important in both yours and your daughters' lives and you have the chance to make its impact positive. Please take it.

WeirdAndPissedOff · 02/07/2016 20:04

You know, I would go against the grain and say that some of the things your H had said about DD could be understandable - teens can be extremely trying, and your DD sounds like a troubled young girl. It's not easy dealing with that and it's not impossible he cold have said such things rashly and regretted them later.
They're still not justified, or acceptable of course, but if he really is usually a good person then there's potential to work on it.

But to say that if you leave he won't make the effort to see his toddler again? That's beyond awful! That NOT something a good parent, or indeed a good person could ever say. And then to say it would all be your teen DDs fault...

Don't let him blackmail you - instead take it as a warning. There is a side to him that is capable of cutting off his two year old and blaming it on your DD because he "wouldn't want to be a part time parent)

backwardpossom · 02/07/2016 20:05

Good luck, OP, I think you're making the right choice and I hope you can salvage the relationship with your daughter.

Petal40 · 02/07/2016 20:09

Do you really need to ask this question? Surely it's obvious ....are you sure he isn't abusing her? He sounds abusive...could be why she is behaving as she is

Original poster
Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 20:12

Thank you, so do I. I fought tooth and nail to have her live with me and it frightens me to think her future could be at stake. She has gcse exams next year and needs stability. I just hope that she plays ball a bit too. We're all going to need to stand together like families are supposed to. I have a friend who is a single mum and envy her for being able to raise her kids her way without interference. Sometimes it's best. I'm completely financially supported by my dh and we don't claim any benefits. I was planning to return to work after the summer anyway but will end up needing some benefit help I think. Small price to pay.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 20:16

No petal, definitely no abuse. They can't stand each other and she's not one to shy away from screaming when she thinks life is unfair. I can see why he sometimes dislikes her. I dislike her too at times. But she's my daughter and I love her. I've told him blood is far thicker than water and that I will choose her over him. He's done this to himself but I feel like the bitch.

OP posts:
Flowerfae · 02/07/2016 20:19

She shouldn't be acting the way she is.. but she's a 15 year old and probably lashing out due to the situation.

Don't do what my mum did, which was to put her relationship first.. I lived with my mum and stepdad for years and during that time I wasn't spoken to other then the odd one word answer (I didn't argue or cause problems or anything like that.. I just accepted it..I thought I'd done something wrong and it wasn't until years later I found out why but it would probably out me if I put it here, the whole situation is weird).
It hugely affected my confidence and It's affected my relationship with my mum. I do still see them and they are both actually really good with my children.. but I don't feel close to my mum anymore.

Honestly its not worth it.. I have a really good relationship with my stepson and its so much more simple :)

MrsDeVere · 02/07/2016 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littledrummergirl · 02/07/2016 20:35

Thank you so much for your good wishes and hard hitting truths. He has just said to me that if I leave he won't see our daughter until she's 18 and it will all be my teens fault. I fail to understand how a man can be that cruel. He's actually a brilliant dad to our dd which is why I have stayed thus far.

It will not be your teens fault. It will be his choice, just as he chooses to be a fuckhead now.

I have a great solution for her bedroom-respect that it's her space and shut the door so you don't have to see it. I hold amnestys in my house when we run low on plates. Last one to bring them down has to wash them all up, unless in a time limit in which case I will do them.

You have chosen to put your teen in an uncomfortable environment with no space of her own that she can be in however she chooses. She then rebels against this-as teens do- and is called names and blamed for your abusive husbands disgusting behaviour.

Put your daughter first!

Lunar1 · 02/07/2016 20:36

Don't expect he to play ball as you put it. She sounds incredibly damaged and it will take years. She won't suddenly become the perfect daughter because you get rid of the bully she lives with.

DeathStare · 02/07/2016 21:15

. He has just said to me that if I leave he won't see our daughter until she's 18 and it will all be my teens fault.

He says this because he knows how to emotionally blackmail you into staying. If he loves his daughter he will see her. If he chooses not to see her that's because he doesn't really love her and is nobody's fault but his own. And if that's really how he feels then she is better without him too.

AgentZigzag · 02/07/2016 21:18

There are a things you say you'd be doing if you gave this man the boot, and they're just not true.

You wouldn't be breaking up your family and you wouldn't be depriving your youngest of her Dad, those things are solely down to your DP deliberately choosing to act like a total wanker whenever he's around your beautiful, vulnerable DD1.

It's difficult to drastically change your home life to a place where your DD is safe and protected from this man (I know because I've had to do it myself), but you must do it, you have no choice.

The thing that I kept repeating to myself is that sinister line abusive people always come out with to shift responsibility for their behaviour onto their victims - 'Now look what you've made me do...'

She doesn't make him do it, he's an adult and fully in control of his own behaviour. Proof of that is that he wouldn't act like that with his boss/mates, and you've said he's fine with your youngest (who is pliable and won't challenge him at the moment, but be assured, he'll be the same with her when she's older and can).

How would you feel if it was another man treating your DD like this? Would you even hesitate to defend her tooth and nail?

If you would then please do her the courtesy of demanding respect for her in her own fucking home!

Let this drop and you will fail your DD.

(Apologies if I'm repeating pp advice, haven't been able to read all the replies)

Dozer · 02/07/2016 21:23

Jesus christ, you need to wake up and get out!

You essentially seem to be saying that for some weird idea of "stability" for your younger DD and to appease your horrible, blackmailing husband you'll keep your eldest in a situation with a shitty, awful stepdad who dislikes and is horrible to her, because you fear him abandoning your youngest, and that your relationship with your eldest won't now be good whatever you do.

Perhaps this isn't the first time you've let your eldest DD down.

RivieraKid · 02/07/2016 21:50

she isn't just untidy, she's filthy...I let her go to school once in a dirty uniform. She didn't care

Everything you've said since the OP makes your daughter sound even more depressed. Not caring about appearance/living space/personal hygiene isn't just there to get your attention, she sounds flat out fucking miserable.

RivieraKid · 02/07/2016 22:00

And I mean, who wouldn't be - with what sounds like a nasty divorce and what sounds like pretty unstable living arrangements historically, her absolute gem of a step father blackmailing his wife into staying with him, and a mum who would rather block out the 'rowing brats'. Poor kid.

My oldest daughter doesn't feel comfortable in our house either and only visits when dh is not home

his ex warned me that he wouldn't accept my children

Everything you need to know, really, get rid. And do it soon.

Topseyt · 02/07/2016 22:14

I will wish you good luck, OP. I do hope you follow through now and make a new life for yourselves and your DDs without this arsewipe in it.

It will all take time. Your teenage DD has suffered a lot and you cannot wipe it all out overnight. You can improve it for the future though and she might slowly start to respond. Rome wasn't built in a day and all of that....

You will never get anywhere though if arsewipe DH is allowed to stick around.

Original poster
Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 22:31

Thanks for that. I've been in tears all afternoon. It's horrible to tear your family apart. He's still being the victim and telling me it's all my dds fault. I will make a safe happy home for my kids again. I have the support of a fantastic family thankfully. Just got to get past the blame, recriminations and heartache first...

OP posts:
WellErrr · 02/07/2016 22:41

Have you really told him OP? Please don't be offended, but people do sometimes lie to appease the masses.

In reality it's a massive thing not usually decided and acted upon in the course of an afternoon due to one thread on mumsnet.

If you feel you need to leave him (I certainly do...!) but need more time, you WILL still get support here Flowers

DeadGood · 02/07/2016 22:51

"He has just said to me that if I leave he won't see our daughter until she's 18 and it will all be my teens fault. I fail to understand how a man can be that cruel."

He's by being cruel, he's being ... Oddly stupid. Does he not realise that not seeing his daughter until she's 18 would be a punishment... for him? Is he a bit thick?

Honestly though OP, I feel really sorry for your teenage daughter. I had to live with a stepfather I didn't like. It didn't affect "my happiness". It affected my entire life and still does, decades later. Those are formative years. You MUST get out now.