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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

War at home

155 replies

Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 15:54

Just need a different perspective... My fifteen year old daughter hates her stepfather and causes a lot of friction in the house. Last night I told her she wasn't going out as her bedroom was a mess. She screamed at me and told me that I can't tell her what to do. I tried to restrain her from leaving which resulted in me pushing her on her bed and she kicked me. She left the house anyway and slept out at a friends house. My husband has called her an animal and said that she's a spoilt little bitch who is irrelevant. It's not the first time he has called her names. He acts like a two year old regarding her when he should man up and be the adult. Our relationship is not great anyway and this doesn't help. I have thought about leaving him but he said that if I did he would have no further contact with our two year old daughter who adores him, as he doesn't want to be a part time father. AIBU to put our daughters happiness above mine and my teenager's or should I not let him hold me to ransom? Financially I'd be stuffed without him but feel that my family may behappier as tthere's tension between him and my teen when he's around. Really don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fmumofthree · 03/07/2016 11:08

We don't have a mortgage, the house was purchased cash from the sale of dh previous house which he paid for. I won't take anything from the house, just have to start again.

OP posts:
clam · 03/07/2016 11:34

I think that would be foolish. You're married, and therefore have some rights over that house/money, and if, as you say, he may get arsey over seeing your dd in the future, he may also be awkward over maintenance for her. Get some legal advice on this before doing anything rash.

happypoobum · 03/07/2016 11:43

Definitely see a solicitor - many will give 30 mins free advice. Don't agree anything with DH in the meantime. I promise you that you will regret it if you just walk away with nothing. What about DD?

Moistly · 03/07/2016 11:48

I couldn't live with a man who had that attitude with my teenage daughter and thought nothing of leaving his own daughter high and dry.
Your teen is not the issue here.

Moistly · 03/07/2016 11:51

...sorry Op I didnt see that the thread has moved on a bit now.

NelAntarctic · 03/07/2016 11:54

I know where you're coming from OP but you MUST get legal advice as PP said. You must get what you are entitled to. It may be a concept that you're uncomfortable with but you need to think of your DD's.

Lots of posters realise that their DC are close to damage and have tough decisions to make. You are beyond this situation and now you've got to start thinking of damage limitation and taking steps to heal your DD. Your DH is still Dad to your youngest but it's up to him how effective he is.

RaspberryOverload · 03/07/2016 11:55

OP, I agree you should see a solicitor before making any decisions. He's being a dickhead, and he has a DD to provide for, future maintenance might be an issue.

RivieraKid · 03/07/2016 12:00

HI OP, so glad to hear this asshat is on his way out of your life. Keep that resolve! Glad to hear you have other supportive family around you.

Have you spoken to you eldest DD about this? You mentioned you had three daughters and your 15 yo is not the eldest, I wondered if she lived near you and was supportive, you say she too is not comfortable around your husband.

FairyDogMother11 · 03/07/2016 12:06

If he was a brilliant dad he'd make an effort to see his little girl regardless of the situation. He's blaming it on your older daughter when he's the adult and needs to grow up and make an effort to be a good dad rather than being self centred. This comes from a woman who's father was amazing according to everyone in the world. He was abusive and childish and he treated my mum horrendously. And as soon as she stood up for herself he wanted nothing more to do with the children he "adored". Don't pick him over her. Your children are more important than him and you need to put them - and yourself - first.

Numberoneisgone · 03/07/2016 12:06

You need to speak to a solicitor. You need to start up again with a child of the marriage he has said he plans to completely abandon you need assets for her at the very least.

Atenco · 03/07/2016 12:30

How hard for you, OP, but I think you will find that your dd1 will realise now how much you have her back and be easier to handle.

My dd could be difficult at times, but when push came to shove and I stood by her, her attitude would miraculously change and all the defiance would disappear.

Original poster
Fmumofthree · 03/07/2016 14:11

My eldest is early twenties and lives about an hours drive away. She's wonderfully supportive and understands the problems we face. She doesn't particularly like her sd but is nice to him. I think I'm going to seek legal advice for my little dd as she is the innocent party in all this and needs looking after.

OP posts:
MinistryofRevenge · 03/07/2016 14:17

OK, stop that shit right now OP. Both your DDs are the innocent parties here - don't even go near to thinking that the older one is in any way responsible for this. Your "D"H is a shit of the first order - you need to protect both daughters.

Original poster
Fmumofthree · 03/07/2016 14:23

No Ministry, I meant financial advice as my little one is his financial responsibility. She need to be supported by him not my teen dd. I'll look after us and there can be no blame. The situation is what it is. We all must just move forward. The outburst with teen dd was just the last in a chain of events. It yet again showed my dh true colours.

OP posts:
PinkyofPie · 03/07/2016 14:30

I can't believe you're considering staying with him for the sake of not having a "broken family". What part of your family makes you think it's a "fixed" family?!

MinistryofRevenge · 03/07/2016 14:58

OK, OP, clearly I misunderstood what you meant and you have my apologies. But please, don't give any hint to your older DD that you consider her to be in any way responsible for this situation. She's still a child.

NelAntarctic · 03/07/2016 16:00

RTFT Pinky

Lunar1 · 03/07/2016 16:58

You really need an attitude check, you seem to be trying to say the right things, but then come out with crap like you youngest is the only innocent one in this. Just because your middle daughter is damaged by all this doesn't mean she isn't innocent.

NelAntarctic · 03/07/2016 17:45

No Ministry, I meant financial advice as my little one is his financial responsibility. She need to be supported by him not my teen dd.

OP has already cleared that one up, Lunar, if only you'd have RTFT.

Original poster
Fmumofthree · 03/07/2016 18:18

Hectic day doing some research and planning. All my family are behind me. I can't blame anyone but myself for being in a bad situation and my dh for behaving in the manner he has. Many thanks for your opinions, it's good to get perspective from other mums who may have experience in the same vein.

OP posts:
Lunar1 · 03/07/2016 18:23

I read that reply Nel, I'm afraid I just don't believe it. I've read every post one here. There is so much said about the husbands behaviour, which is always followed by something the dd has done to prompt the behaviour.

The op said its like having two brats. This sounds like she puts them on equal footing with equal responsibility. But what you really have is a troubled teen and a bully in a position of power over her.

It won't help the dd at all if the op leaves him but doesn't see the dd as innocent. It will take years to recover and it sounds from the thread that this won't be quick enough for the op.

AgentZigzag · 03/07/2016 20:23

'I can't blame anyone but myself for being in a bad situation and my dh for behaving in the manner he has.'

You're finding it really hard to acknowledge that you're not responsible for your H's behaviour aren't you?

You have to try and separate yourself from the shitty things he's saying to you, I mean, he's done such a number on you that you feel you want to take your name off the deeds!

He's wrong in the things he's saying. Is there a reason (like something in your past) why you can't accept that?

April229 · 03/07/2016 21:42

Planning to leave is a good thing OP. If you don't mind me saying you do have some time to try and heal the relationship with your teenaged daughter, I can see why she is angry being picked up on a messy room when her sd is allowed to get away with far worse. Your messages read as though you have been brain washed by your partner to believe she IS irrelevant - you thoughts that she will move out soon so she is expendable if it means keeping the relationship together. What about later, when she has children maybe, don't you think you will have a role to play then? What does your two year old (who presumably loves her sister) think of her being called names and insulted? What if your partner does that to her when she is a teenager?

The self harm, I know your brain must be a bit fried while everything is so fraught, but give some time to think how dangerous that can be. Are you concerned about that escalating in a few years, and where will she go, or does that not worry you?

I hope everything works out for all of you X

Original poster
Fmumofthree · 03/07/2016 23:41

Quick update :my teen dd is home. She's very angry but did say she loves me which is something. She shied away from a cuddle but that will come in time. She has agreed to be referred to cahms for counselling help which I am very relieved at. Dh still doesn't think that he's all that bad and that teen dd is spliting up his family.... Unreal.... My sister wants to kill him so a divorce is the better of his options right now. My dd's love each other which is a good starting point. I'll sort out logistics tomorrow, book gp and free solicitor appointment and try to keep it together while we heal.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 04/07/2016 00:31

Delurking to wish you all the best.