Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

War at home

155 replies

Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 15:54

Just need a different perspective... My fifteen year old daughter hates her stepfather and causes a lot of friction in the house. Last night I told her she wasn't going out as her bedroom was a mess. She screamed at me and told me that I can't tell her what to do. I tried to restrain her from leaving which resulted in me pushing her on her bed and she kicked me. She left the house anyway and slept out at a friends house. My husband has called her an animal and said that she's a spoilt little bitch who is irrelevant. It's not the first time he has called her names. He acts like a two year old regarding her when he should man up and be the adult. Our relationship is not great anyway and this doesn't help. I have thought about leaving him but he said that if I did he would have no further contact with our two year old daughter who adores him, as he doesn't want to be a part time father. AIBU to put our daughters happiness above mine and my teenager's or should I not let him hold me to ransom? Financially I'd be stuffed without him but feel that my family may behappier as tthere's tension between him and my teen when he's around. Really don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
PayAttentionNigel · 02/07/2016 17:53

Have you written about him before? It all sounds very familiar, either way have my first ever LTB. Honestly no one would talk about my children like that and be forgiven, he sounds vile.

Original poster
Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 17:54

Seacabbage, I have three things I expect from my teenage daughter. To do her best in school, to keep her room clean and tidy, and to brush the dog once a week. She doesn't do any of them. She'sbeen in trouble at school recently, her room is a pigsty and I end up giving the dog a grooming. I don't ask much at all. She has no other chores. I like her to go out and have fun with her friends, that what teens should do.
All these opinions expressed are true. I just hate to admit it and have a heavy heart. I wish they could get on and live amicably but it's like I have two rowing brats.

OP posts:
clam · 02/07/2016 17:57

And all this latest friction over an untidy bedroom?

My dd's room is a tip most of the time. I shut the door on it. Absolutely not prepared to ruin our relationship over a few bits of clothing on the floor. Pick your battles.

As for your 'd'h. Get shot of him, for a start.

clam · 02/07/2016 17:59

And in a calmer moment, why don't you sit down with her and try to get to the bottom of why she's playing up in school. Could it be because she's unhappy?

Original poster
Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 18:04

He's the opposite with our do. He's hands on and very caring. Teaches her things and has tons of patience.
Teenage dd room really is a tip. She was caught smoking in there and it's a health hazard. The row was because she defied me and kicked off. She knew the rule and wanted to make her own. She's far from perfect and has said she hates me before

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 02/07/2016 18:06

My head tells me to leave but my heart says that I already had one broken family and don't want to put another innocent child through that.

You think this isn't already broken?

pearlylum · 02/07/2016 18:06

I have three things I expect from my teenage daughter.

Or how about just nurturing a good relationship?
Life is not all about expectations of your kids. If you clear away the shit you can actually have fun.
My DD has a crap bedroom most of the time. Clothes everywhere, rubbish overflowing.
But that's fine. She works hard at school, has massive extra curricular activities, we rarely argue, she has brilliant friends who often stay over.
But family life is great. A messy bedroom is trivial compared to a good relationship

happypoobum · 02/07/2016 18:07

I can't believe you are putting this wankbadger ahead of your DD - both of them actually.

He is NOT a good man or a good father. You think a good father would just walk away from his child like that because the relationship with the mother had broken down? seriously?

I would like to tell you to LTB but I don't think you will. I feel very sorry for both your children.

Topseyt · 02/07/2016 18:14

Does she hate you because you have so far stuck with this appalling specimen of a man who is her stepdad and who calls her such awful names?

Talk to her on her own next time your H is away working? Ask her how she would feel if he was no longer in your lives. I'd wager good money that she tells you she despises him and would love to see the back of him.

SpookyRachel · 02/07/2016 18:16

OP, I think you may have unrealistic expectations of your dd, actually. Clearly I don't know the backstory, but if she was living with her dad till last year, and has only recently moved back with you, then she must be distressed and unsettled and there is repair work to be done. I am quite struck by the language you use to describe being stuck between your dh and your dd - kind of shrugging your shoulders and saying they're as bad as each other and what can you do, stuck there in the middle. It sounds as though you are blaming them equally and putting yourself in quite a passive role. Also struck by you saying she uses self harm as a weapon against you.

I think you need to take seriously the fact that your daughter is troubled and that she needs to feel you give her priority. Much more priority than a tidy room or a tidy dog. If your dh can't be with you on this - and it sounds like he can't - then you have to choose your dd. She has just lost her home with her dad - please don't make her feel unsafe and unloved in her home with you.

SpookyRachel · 02/07/2016 18:18

And a tidy room? - meh. I know it's infuriating, but how many teenagers actually keep their rooms clean and tidy?

Porcupinetree · 02/07/2016 18:20

Did he always behave appalling to your daughter? Did he always verbally abuse her? If so why did you marry him?

pearlylum · 02/07/2016 18:23

Topseyt you speak wise works.
This poor kid is being that adult here and can see the truth.
Any man with this attitude is not worth knowing.
OP is neglecting her poor DD.

Topseyt · 02/07/2016 18:25

Spooky, I have had three teenagers now. The eldest is now 21, and DD2 and DD3 are 17 and 14.

Their rooms have normally been bombsites.

You have to pick your battles carefully with teenagers. In my experience (all girls) pride in their rooms came much later.

Original poster
Fmumofthree · 02/07/2016 18:29

We got together while dd was living with her dad. He was nice to her at first but she's a typical moody teenager and moaned constantly. She was also used to getting her own way with her father. He's not used to teenagers and they developed a mutual dislike for each other. She would love us to be on our own without him. Thing is, do I leave for the sake of living with her for another few years until she leaves home or do I tear the family apart and destroy my toddlers great relationship with her dad?
This is my first mn post, never thought I'd need the help of others opinions tbh. But I truly am torn. I have an older daughter who left home before I married him who is wonderful and she grew up with the same expectations.

OP posts:
AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 02/07/2016 18:30

No wonder she doesn't take pride in a room that is in a house where she is called "irrelevant" - doesn't sound like much of a "home", and no wonder she wanted desperately to go out to her friends house Sad

Porcupinetree · 02/07/2016 18:32

". I have an older daughter who left home before I married him who is wonderful and she grew up with the same expectations."

...But without your pathetic excuse for a husband...

Goingtobeawesome · 02/07/2016 18:33

You sound like you are choosing him over her.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 02/07/2016 18:33

Thing is, do I leave for the sake of living with her for another few years until she leaves home

What? does her relationship end when she's old enough to leave home? She wants you to be her mum. Not her landlady until the co-habitation contract expires in 2/3 whatever years Sad

Seriously I'm really not surprised that she doesn't take pride in this home.
You don't potter about and make your room nice if you're unhappy at home.

corythatwas · 02/07/2016 18:34

Even if you do think it is very important to insist that your teen has a tidy bedroom (most of us don't), it is not worth getting into a physical fight over, which is what is going to happen if you try to physically restrain a child her age. By the time they get to their teens, they feel about being physically restrained pretty much how you would do if your dh tried to restrain you physically because you didn't do what he wanted- violated. They are going to fight back, just as you would. It is really only worth doing if you have to protect somebody else from her violence. Not because she has an untidy room.

You may sometimes have to manhandle a small child to get them to comply. But not a 15yo. By the time they get to this age, you have to rule by consent, by making her feel you are a person worth obeying, by making her feel you are generally speaking on her side.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 02/07/2016 18:35

If my kids were 40 and had their own houses and kids, and I met a new partner who was a dick to them.. that'ld still probably be a deal breaker for me!

pearlylum · 02/07/2016 18:40

I am walking away from this thread.I had no idea that we had such poor excuses for parents.

ShortBreadEater · 02/07/2016 18:42

Even if she moves out at 18 don't you want her to feel welcome and able to come home when she needs or wants you?

She's a child right now, she needs her Mum. And your man is no great Dad if he's threatening not to see his own daughter if things aren't exactly how he wants them.

She'd been in trouble with her dad and we thought it would be good to give her a fresh start.

She might be pushing to see if you really truly love and want her, or if she'll be passed on again if she's too much trouble.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 02/07/2016 18:44

I wish they could get on and live amicably but it's like I have two rowing brats.

This sentance makes me so angry (own issues) and sad for your DD

No, you don't have "two rowing brats", you have one teenage child with no power, and one adult who is in a position of power over her.

And then there's you, who on one hand don't talk about her as if she is a full member of the household, and on the other hand expect her to take pride in the home

Peppatina · 02/07/2016 18:46

Are you sure you aren't screwing over your dad's happiness because you don't want to be alone?

It's kind of what it sounds like when your weighing up how long she would be living with you vs how long your arsehole would be living with you.

I have a step daughter and. I can tell you right now that I would never speak about her the way your partner has.

And to be honest if I ever had I expect Dh would throw me out on my arse, even though we have children together because, you know, he's actually a very good father.

Your dd's need you to show them that putting a man who speaks like that to them and threatens to step out of parenting all together if you split in front of them should never happen.