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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it isn't bad form to have a child free wedding?

388 replies

WanderingNotLost · 02/07/2016 00:51

DP and I have started tentatively making wedding plans- we're paying for the whole thing ourselves and so will be on a pretty tight budget, and at present the guest list runs to 127 people (the biggest chunk of that being my massive Irish family). Believe it or not that is the essentials.

As a way of saving some money I suggested we make it a child-free wedding. DP thus far is not a fan of this idea, as a) he thinks it's bad form to say 'you can't bring your kids to our wedding' and b) if the people with kids can't bring their kids they just won't come.
I've pointed out that plenty of people have child-free weddings, quite often it's nice for the grown-ups to have a night off and let their hair down and get nicely sloshed and if we do have kids there, we run the risk of everyone who is there with kids leaving early to put said offspring to bed.

Looking for a consensus here- who is being U??

OP posts:
BeckywiththeGoodHare · 02/07/2016 09:03

YANBU. But it depends on how many children there are. Maybe it's the stage of life we're at but I've been to a few weddings recently where the entire day seems to have been planned around the entertainment of a gang of toddlers, and we ended up leaving early with a massive headache, despite the whole thing finishing at 6pm...

SouthWesterlyWinds · 02/07/2016 09:05

Jut a note - if you are inviting the family, then the babysitters who are usually available to family members are actual family. They won't be able to go because their usual fall back will already be st the wedding. And I've seen too many breads on here that state it is the bride and grooms choice for chil free, but it's an invite not a requirement so if you're not happy, don't go.

And on a lot of these threads, those families with children don't go.

Alconleigh · 02/07/2016 09:06

Yes I think some of the 'child free weddings are terrible' viewpoints may have been among the first to marry. My friendship group have produced around 40 kids under 10. As PP said, that would be like a crèche or a child birthday party. You can't blame people for not wanting that. As they've all said though, don't dress it as a favour, that's annoying.

PaintedDrivesAndPolishedGrass · 02/07/2016 09:07

We were invited to two adult only weddings.....we didn't go.
All the others we went to...we let the DCs stay up late...we all had fun.

Dairybanrion · 02/07/2016 09:08

Cousins children?!?
I'd only be inviting my nieces and nephews to be honest.

2nds · 02/07/2016 09:09

Here's another idea, you want to keep your costs down why can't the folks with kids have their children join them after the meal is over and you provide snacks for the kids? Maybe a few trays of sandwiches, that won't cost much, especially if a guest is asked to make sandwiches and buy snacks in lieu of a wedding present.

PurpleDaisies · 02/07/2016 09:11

Here's another idea, you want to keep your costs down why can't the folks with kids have their children join them after the meal is over and you provide snacks for the kids?

Where are the children supposed to be until the meal is over? Confused

treaclesoda · 02/07/2016 09:14

I thought child free weddings were the norm until I started reading mumsnet. I've been to many weddings and they've all been child free (perhaps with the exception of very close family). I've never heard of children being invited to a wedding in 'real life'. When we've been invited to a wedding and have no childcare, I have attended on my own without DH, and I've seen loads of other families do the same.

treaclesoda · 02/07/2016 09:19

Actually, on thinking about it, I've never been invited to a cousin's wedding either, even as adults it has always been aunts and uncles invited, but not cousins.

TeacupDrama · 02/07/2016 09:19

Excluding your own younger siblings or nieces nephews not really on not inviting cousins workmates kids etc absolutely fine

Philoslothy · 02/07/2016 09:26

I have never heard of child free weddings before MN.

Please don't sell it as a day to relax and let your hair down because what you are actually saying is that you want somebody to pay to get to your wedding, perhaps stay overnight,buy an outfit and a present and childcare on top because you would rather not spend time with their children.

I am sure you are not actually thinking that but that is how it comes across.

BoffinMum · 02/07/2016 09:27

I don't go to child free weddings and I tend to ditch people who send me invitations like that without thinking through quite what this will mean. But that's unusual, I know.

aliceinwanderland · 02/07/2016 09:30

It would be pretty difficult for us to go to a child free wedding. I went on my own to one last year but didn't have a great time as DP had to watch kids. I wouldn't do it again

PeppaIsMyHero · 02/07/2016 09:35

YANBU.

However, we had quite a few kids at our wedding and on the invitation said that there would be a kids table. We got loads of basic kids party food (sandwiches, biscuits, fruit, cheese, crisps etc...) rather than give them the parents' hot meal (at #40 per head) and put loads of colouring stuff and card games etc.. there for them to play with. It wasn't perfect but the kids enjoyed it and it kept the costs right down. We were upfront about it so people knew what to expect and we asked them to remind us of their children's ages in the RSVP so we could get age-appropriate food and activities.

Some people with children did leave early, but others who'd left their children with babysitters also left early due to the expense!

If you want a grown up party, I'd recommend having an evening do on a separate day that is specifically for grown ups...but that's more expense!

Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2016 09:37

Its up to you, but I agree its not necessarily convenient or a 'letting your hair down' for the parents if they cannot find find friends or relatives to look after the kids, or have to pay through the nose for a babysitter. You might find some decline your invite because of this.

Batteriesallgone · 02/07/2016 09:37

Usually people rely on parents or PIL in wedding babysitting as its all day.

If it's family members you're thinking of presumably at least some of their parents / PIL are going to the wedding too so unable to provide childcare?

Child-free works well for a friend-heavy wedding, but causes problems for a family-heavy (like yours) wedding, IMO

XiCi · 02/07/2016 09:37

As pp have said I have never heard of children of guests being invited to weddings and I've been to alot. Any children that are there are nieces and nephews only, and that was the same at my wedding too. Why would I expect my children to be invited to a friends wedding? it's utterly bizarre.

Highlandfling80 · 02/07/2016 09:37

pepper are we related. Out latest wedding invite included my 13 your old Dd my 11 and 4 year old dds. That one was an extremely difficult.

KittyOShea · 02/07/2016 09:39

I appreciate as someone childless I will never quite understand your perspective boffin but really? Your friendships are dependent on whether your children are invited to your friends wedding?

What about the shared history, being there for one another in times of trouble, the laughs, the tears, the times you've spent together- all those disappear because your children aren't foremost in your friends mind when booking her wedding?

Highlandfling80 · 02/07/2016 09:40

I wouldn't expect children at a friends wedding but I think family may see things differently especially if you childcare options are all at the wedding.

NataliaOsipova · 02/07/2016 09:43

I generally wouldn't go to a child free wedding (although I will caveat that by saying I'm not a big fan of them at the best of times and my DH hates them!). Agree with the pp who objected to "this is so you can let your hair down" line - it is really irritating and if I did miraculously have overnight childcare then I wouldn't choose to use it for that! Plus, agree with another pp that family weddings are especially difficult as often grandparents are going too and so childcare can be impossible. My MIL has only ever looked after my DC when I've been taken into hospital - the idea that she would have them for a weekend is laughable. So we just couldn't go anywhere with my mum and without our DC, if you see what I mean.

One poster talked about "child discouraged" rather than child free - that is not a bad idea for friends/distant relatives if it is phrased well!

Brandonstarkflakes · 02/07/2016 09:45

I just DO NOT get the whole being pissy because your kid wasn't invited to your friends wedding thing.

RaeSkywalker · 02/07/2016 09:45

I think that what is right for the couple is fine. We went to a child-free wedding and had a nice day. I think you should be prepared for some people to not come though. We've been invited to a wedding that is a 5 hour drive away next June (only a Save the Date received so far), we'll have a 6 month old then. I've booked a hotel near the venue for 2 nights incase the baby is invited. If it's not, that's ok, we will still go, but drive down on the day, stay for the ceremony and wedding breakfast, and then come home. I know that this would annoy the bride but I don't like the idea of leaving a baby I hope to breastfeed for 2 nights.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2016 09:45

Op do you have kids? It does not sound like you do. If you have a child free wedding, likely is, those parents who turn up, will not be able to get sloshed, as they will need to be sober to drive back for the babysitter, or to relive granny and granddad. They probably will not be staying overnight, due to babysitter costs, and will have to leave early so that it does not cost too much. Most likely, people with kids will decline, unless they are really close to you, they might have a babysitter or relative for a short while, but will still need to get back.

Gazelda · 02/07/2016 09:47

Just thinking about the maths - if you don't invite children, then your guest list reduces to c111. Say 50% of the parents decline the invite because they can't get a sitter. Now you're down to c95. Of the 50% that come without children, 50% need to get back to let the sitter go. So you'll be down to about c87 by around 10pm.

So you're down by 30 guests overall by 10 pm versus whether you'd invited children in the first place.

I presume families with young children will leave earlier, to get the kids to bed. But if you look at the numbers, it doesn't really make that much difference.

So it really boils down to the cost rather than the child/bedtime factor.

Caveat - I drank Pernod last night so I may be mis-thinking this.