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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it isn't bad form to have a child free wedding?

388 replies

WanderingNotLost · 02/07/2016 00:51

DP and I have started tentatively making wedding plans- we're paying for the whole thing ourselves and so will be on a pretty tight budget, and at present the guest list runs to 127 people (the biggest chunk of that being my massive Irish family). Believe it or not that is the essentials.

As a way of saving some money I suggested we make it a child-free wedding. DP thus far is not a fan of this idea, as a) he thinks it's bad form to say 'you can't bring your kids to our wedding' and b) if the people with kids can't bring their kids they just won't come.
I've pointed out that plenty of people have child-free weddings, quite often it's nice for the grown-ups to have a night off and let their hair down and get nicely sloshed and if we do have kids there, we run the risk of everyone who is there with kids leaving early to put said offspring to bed.

Looking for a consensus here- who is being U??

OP posts:
Mama2birds · 04/07/2016 21:12

We have two children and wrote on the invitations that it was family children only.
Else there would have been around 35 - 40 under 5's there and it would have been like a crèche!
Plus another £10-£12 per child for the wedding breakfast.
We even hired a nanny for our own children so no one had to worry about them!

Gwenhwyfar · 04/07/2016 22:01

"say, if someone gets married before the relatives in their generation start having children"

If they're getting married very young they may still have children in their own generation e.g. much younger cousins. It's a bit different to not have any children in the family (though still a bit sad I think) than to exclude those that do exist.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/07/2016 22:02

"Should they be at drinks for a colleagues promotion? A school friends 40th birthday?"

They're not family occasions though are they?

Gwenhwyfar · 04/07/2016 22:07

"If this is part of your life plan then when this happens, you will appreciate the wonderfulness of family parties that include all the generations. Especially those marking births, death and marriages. Family members, including kids, remember these gatherings for the rest of their lives and it gives them a sense of belonging. "

It's a bit patronising to think it's only people who have children who can see the value of having children present at family occasions. I don't have children, but I've been one myself and remember both attending a wedding and poring over photos of family weddings from before I was born.

BackforGood · 04/07/2016 22:26

Ask yourself do you one day want children? If this is part of your life plan then when this happens, you will appreciate the wonderfulness of family parties that include all the generations

Or, more likely, once you have small children it is only then you truely appreciate going to a rare and treasured night out without there being any dc there. A real treat once the majority of your life is revolving around small children.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 04/07/2016 22:28

I you said "hey, fancy a child free night out?" to me I'ld think "yay! date night!" or "yay! out in town after 7pm"

I would not think "wedding"

PinkPomeranian · 04/07/2016 22:40

Not at all, bear. As I said, I completely understand that not everyone is able or indeed keen to invite children to their events. I was just assuming that the presence of the adults who did receive an invitation was actually desired, in which case giving plenty of notice is surely only a matter of courtesy.

Iloveowls2 · 04/07/2016 22:43

Personally I hate the fact that people exclude children from such major life events its a shame that people and society seem so anti child. But that's my view and appreciate others have different views. Just accept that those with kids who don't have childcare on tap
Probably won't come

Original poster
WanderingNotLost · 04/07/2016 22:54

We aren't anti child at all, it really is just an issue of space and money. If we didn't have to take that into consideration we'd be more than happy to have them all there.

OP posts:
RedSoloCup · 04/07/2016 22:57

I've been to two child free weddings, the first I was pg and oblivious, the second I had a 1yo and a 2yo and tbh I was relieved to have an excuse to ask family to have them so I could have a day off.

Had it have included kids I would have found the whole thing a lot more stressful but I did really enjoy a bit of adult time.

I'd say go for it :-)

PurpleDaisies · 04/07/2016 22:59

Personally I hate the fact that people exclude children from such major life events its a shame that people and society seem so anti child

I hardly know many of my friends' children-we don't live in the same city any more so I rarely see them. Why would I need to invite them to my wedding?

BackforGood · 04/07/2016 23:04

Thing is, it's not usually a "life event" for the child, is it?
All these arguments def. sit on the "it depends" line - if it's an Aunty who they are very close to, then that's very different from you (as adults) being invited to your friend's wedding - be that from work, hobby, university, school or something else that doesn't have anything to do with the dc.

However, every time the question of child free weddings comes up on MN, there is a real divide, so it clearly is absolutely an option to either invite dc, or not invite dc, as works best for you.

6o6o842 · 05/07/2016 04:03

YANBU. Child free weddings seem to be all the rage where I live, doesn't seem to interfere with people going at all. Not my cup of tea, we had kids at our wedding. But certainly seems to be perfectly acceptable these days.

practy · 05/07/2016 04:12

I remember one wedding I went to where most of the guests had young kids. Most left early because of this. So there was hardly anyone there for the disco part.

Ruthio66 · 05/07/2016 05:25

I've been invited to a couple of child free family weddings recently and had to decline due to not having childcare, even if I had managed to find it I probably wouldn't have gone as in the absence of a plus 1 I'd feel a bit of a spare part I think! My kids are 3 and 6 and I definitely wouldnt have to leave early as they will happly party til 11pm or more on a special occasion, usually I am ready for bed before them! I think with a lot being Irish also it will be very difficult for them to come without their children however if you do need to keep numbers down then it's probably a good way to do it, I suspect this was the case with my cousins wedding ... That actually they wanted the result of some adults declining! Obviously it's up to you but some family may be annoyed, I was a little!

Unipottimus · 05/07/2016 07:57

I've just been to my Stepbrothers wedding where I was told my children were not welcome due to numbers.. which is fine, I get numbers - I had to do a massive juggle myself. However when I got there it turned out it was JUST my children not invited, the bride's godchildren and bridesmaids kids were all welcome. I was pissed off.. It cost me nearly £100 in babysitters and taxis. If you do a children ban make sure it's a blanket one. If there's someone who you really want there but would have to bring their children then you should allow all children!

Bishybishybarnabee · 05/07/2016 08:47

It's your (you & DP's) choice. I think you just have to be prepared that it may mean some people can't come/it becomes a bit of a headache for them.

I'm invited to a wedding next week that is in 3 parts - I'm invited to all 3, DP is invited to parts 2 & 3 and DC invited to part 3 only. It's also in a very rural location about 90minutes from where we (and most of the guests live). It's the wedding of a good friend so I will be going, but it is a logistical nightmare. The bride did use the 'thought it would be nice for you to have a child free time' line. I nodded and smiled along in agreement, but all the time thinking what a nightmare it'll be, and how patronising that sounds! She's got quite a mixture of friends and their DPs/DCs invited to different parts of the wedding, all based on capacities/costs. She's also said bf babies can come, but not bottle fed babies. She keeps saying how sad she is that they can't invite whole families to the whole thing, which I have to say has started to grate. If I were getting married I would pick the guests I want, and fit the venue/budget around that. Going for your dream venue etc then fitting the guests around that is fine if that's your choice, but own your decision.

(Sorry OP, that turned into a bit of a slightly off topic rant!)

MrsFarm · 05/07/2016 10:48

Most weddings here (ireland) are automatically choc friendly. We have been to approx 25 weddings in the last 10 years and the kids werent at any of them. When I got married there were no kids invited apart from nieces and nephews (enough to make up one kids table)
I wouldn't dream of bringing my kids to a wedding! Nights out are far a few between for us, so a whole day and night with my husband and good friends is pure bliss!

bellie710 · 05/07/2016 11:09

At my own wedding we only invited my brothers kids and my sister who was only 6, we had so many people coming that there would not have been room for everyone and we would have had to leave friends out, everyone came and it included an overnight stay.

Since then we have only ever been to child free weddings, except for one. The kids were bored at the meal and I ended up phoning my mum to come and take them home!

The only exception I would make is babes in arms, because if you have a baby that is a lot for someone else to take on and they are not taking up a seat so shouldn't cost anything!

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 05/07/2016 11:14

It's always people who only had one or two kids at a wedding who say "the kids were bored and wanted to go home, which proves that having kids at weddings is rubbish"

Of course the kids were bored if they were the only kids at a non kid wedding a lot of adults find no kids weddings boring Of course it was a challenge for the parents having kids at an otherwise non kid wedding

But where all kids are welcome the kids aren't bored and don't need any extra minding because they're off making friends with all the other kids, and the parents don't have to worry about them much because they're being kids in a kid friendly atmosphere, as opposed to being the only ones in a boring adult only atmosphere

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 05/07/2016 11:16

Most weddings here (ireland) are automatically choc friendly

Now I have to draw a line here! If ANY of my friends had a chocolate free wedding I'm afraid we wouldn't be friends any more, our differences of opinions would be too great.

Unforgivable

Rachel0Greep · 05/07/2016 11:30

Any weddings I have been to, the children in attendance were family members.
I remember hearing of a wedding where the families were told 'no children under 12'. But what this meant was that in one family, one child who was almost 12 was excluded, and the rest of the family invited.
And in another family, it literally meant one child was invited, and the other not. This would be a real headache for parents, IMO.
I happen to know the children who were being left at home, and they are the most well behaved children imaginable. The wedding also entailed overnight stays. It just didn't make sense it have that cut off point.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 05/07/2016 11:38

Rachel, it can work out that way though

We ended up with similar happening at ours
We said that over 21s could bring their plus 1s, and under 21s were no plus 1s

Have a bunch of teenage cousins and it didn't make sense to invite the boyfriend/girlfriend of the week.. but wanted older relatives partners to be welcome.

However when it actually came to the time, only 1 under 21 was in a relationship, and she was 19 and very grown up, so it kind of worked out that we just excluded one partner.. which I wouldn't have done had I known that was how it would turn out.

At the time of setting the cut off though other less grown up teen cousins were in LOOOOOOVE and it would have got silly to invite all those boyfriends and girlfriends who were long gone by the time the day arrived.

Rachel0Greep · 05/07/2016 11:43

I know what you mean.

But in the family I know where this happened, it meant two children out of all the nieces and nephews, being left at home. The wedding was a long distance away, and meant overnight stays. So, it really didn't make sense, IMO, and created headaches for the families.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 05/07/2016 11:47

might there have been friends with under 12s? so in reality it was more than just one?