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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it isn't bad form to have a child free wedding?

388 replies

WanderingNotLost · 02/07/2016 00:51

DP and I have started tentatively making wedding plans- we're paying for the whole thing ourselves and so will be on a pretty tight budget, and at present the guest list runs to 127 people (the biggest chunk of that being my massive Irish family). Believe it or not that is the essentials.

As a way of saving some money I suggested we make it a child-free wedding. DP thus far is not a fan of this idea, as a) he thinks it's bad form to say 'you can't bring your kids to our wedding' and b) if the people with kids can't bring their kids they just won't come.
I've pointed out that plenty of people have child-free weddings, quite often it's nice for the grown-ups to have a night off and let their hair down and get nicely sloshed and if we do have kids there, we run the risk of everyone who is there with kids leaving early to put said offspring to bed.

Looking for a consensus here- who is being U??

OP posts:
Pseudonym99 · 02/07/2016 07:48

I think people with kids are more likely to leave early if it is a child - free wedding in order to be back for the babysitter, than if they had their kids with them at a family - friendly wedding.

hilbil21 · 02/07/2016 07:50

I must have a whole bunch of friends and family who are different to the norm!! X

April229 · 02/07/2016 07:52

Don't think it's unreasonable at all to have a child free wedding, there are lots of adult parties I won't expect to take my kids too. Depending on the age of my children at the time I would either go or not go but I wouldn't be offended.

RipeningApples · 02/07/2016 07:54

As the bride and groom you are also the hosts. As such you need to consider the feelings and comfort of your guests.

If finances are limited and you have to entertain x number of guests then you have to budget accordingly. It's ultimately about a marriage rather than a wedding. A marriage doesn't need all the frills, the band, the favours, etc. You can have just as nice a party at a modest venue with well catered modest food, as you can at somewhere fancy schmancy and if that's,all the budget allows then you need to compromise.

Make it a family day. Early wedding at 12, afternoon party with a children's entertainer, so guests can focus on speeches, etc.

MyBreadIsEggy · 02/07/2016 07:55

I wouldn't say it's bad form...just a bit of a PITA, especially if people have to travel to get to the wedding.
DH and I were invited to a child-free wedding at the other end of the country earlier in the year, which would have meant travelling on the Friday, hotel on Friday night, wedding on Saturday, hotel Saturday night and then travel home on Sunday. I order to go, my mum would have had to take two days off work to look after Dd for me, which isn't fair on her to use her annual leave to do me a favour! Whereas if kids were invited, we could have attended.

blinkowl · 02/07/2016 07:56

I just wrote a long post about how to make it easy for relatives with DC to stay late by making it child friendly (have a kids room, basically, I've seen this work well)

But I deleted it by mistake gah!

3littlebadgers · 02/07/2016 07:56

I'm in agreement with letting the children go especially if that is important to your dp.

No matter how you send out the invitations, or explain your reasonings, I just think it comes across as being very cold and unfriendly.

Weddings are redicilously expensive, but they are becoming crazily expensive for the guests too. Putting a block on children (who the parents will more than likely want to spend time with anyway, given that in today's busy world we get to have precious little time all together as a family) bumps up that cost even further.

I don't have a better night out away from my children, others might, but I spend the time worrying about them, and I would definitely leave earlier without them, than if I had them with me.

I would only entertain the idea of going to a sibling or incredibly close friend's wedding, if it were child free. I have not attended cousins' work colleagues and other friends weddings.

Is there anyway you can put the feelers out to how your guests would feel? Just be honest and say you are struggling to stick to your budget. If a friend said this to me I would offer to pay for my own children in place of a gift.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 02/07/2016 07:59

There's nothing wrong with child free weddings - I think I'd only consider it bad taste if it meant excluding children of very close relatives - but please don't try to pretend you're doing it as a favour to parents so they can have a fun night off from their children. That'll just annoy parents who would like to bring their children or who have childcare problems.

As far as leaving early goes - yes, they may leave early to put children to bed. But if they don't bring children, they may also have to leave early to take over from the babysitter.

But you and your DP really need to agree what sort of wedding you want. And if you choose child free, just be prepared that some of the parents may decline because they can't get childcare or don't want to leave their children.

NeedACleverNN · 02/07/2016 08:02

At the end of the day it is your personal decision between you and dh but no I wouldn't want to go to a child free wedding.

We don't have a babysitter on call. We went to my SIL wedding last weekend and both of my children were part of the wedding party. 3 year old Dd was a flower girl and 15 month old ds was a pageboy. We stayed for the afternoon with ds before he got grumpy and we made our excuses to leave. My SIL wanted my Dd to stay so looked after her whilst she was there. We went back later to pick her up. We then managed at a pinch to find a babysitter for the evening do but as it was close to home and a friend we didn't have to pay too much. But it was still a cost we didn't want to pay. But it was our choice then. By taking away the choice I would have been less keen to go unless you was really close

sepa · 02/07/2016 08:05

If you want a child free wedding then do it. If someone has just had a baby by the time the wedding comes round then I think an allowence for such a small child should be allowed!
I went to a child free wedding. Everyone loved having a night off. I was pregnant at the time so couldn't leave mine at home Grin

Oblomov16 · 02/07/2016 08:05

I don't like the idea of child free weddings. In principal. Most people I know just say they can't go. Finding childcare for 2 days is a nightmare. Fortunately I've only been invited to one, which I did actually go to - only because it was My best friend. I went on my own, without dh and the boys. Mind you dh was ill anyway.

Archedbrowse · 02/07/2016 08:06

YANBU. I have 2 DC - a toddler and baby and I wouldn't be offended not for them to be invited. You just have to accept that some people won't be able to come. Personally I would try my best to come, but not be annoyed at B&G if I couldn't. I've seen people take it so personally if DC not invited though, it's ridiculous!

Weddings with children are noticeably different to those without, they are noisy and you can't hear the speeches. As parents you end up on the 'with kids' tables and end up spending your whole time 'supervising' the kids. They're OK for a while, but these things drag on, and eventually they want to do what comes naturally, which is running around and making a racket.

As a child-free guest at weddings with children I'm not bothered though, as I'm not responsible for any of them Grin.

Where possible if taking DCs I will try and find out when the food is and arrange for grandparents to pick them up just before, so the relatives can see them, and they can have a play but the B&G don't have to pay £40 for a plate of chicken nuggets and I can have a glass of wine and enjoy my meal in peace.
But if that's not an option then yes, one of us would leave early with the DC, at some point between end of meal and evening do.

wallywobbles · 02/07/2016 08:06

I did invite kids and had a baby sitter in situ but parents will leave earlier one way or another, either because they are knackered, the kids are knackered or the baby sitter needs to go home. That's the way it is. Invite them all you won't notice the difference much.

I have a big family and had a small venue. I hurt my aunt and uncle by not inviting them. They'd been distant all my life in comparison to the other parental friends who really brought me up after the birth of my mum. I regret not inviting them now.

Second time around it's going to be us, our 4 kids and 2 witnesses.

neonrainbow · 02/07/2016 08:11

We invited kids and quite a few jumped at the chance to leave them behind and get pissed. So not all of them might want to bring their kids anyway.

Laiste · 02/07/2016 08:11

I have to agree with the 'Our wedding is your big exciting chance to let your hair down' stuff being really annoying. The last invite we had was one of those. From DH's side. He read it and then shouted out to me ''Oh My God listen - we've been given the chance to Let Our Hair Down! Wow - did you even know we were allowed out without the children? Well ... because it's X and Y's wedding ... now we CAN!'' Grin

Your wedding day plans genuinely are up to you. You can insist everyone come dressed as zoo animals if that is your desire. But, as with the child free thing, don't dress your ideas up as an amazing 'opportunity'. It's really patronising.

NavyAndWhite · 02/07/2016 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zad716 · 02/07/2016 08:14

I'm in agreement with letting the children go especially if that is important to your dp.

This. As it sounds like very few of the guests are on DP's side, he wants to ensure that the ones that are invited attend,

daftbesom · 02/07/2016 08:23

Not so much whether it's "bad form", but how the two of you can come to a compromise about it. Your wedding, your (joint) choice!

I think of weddings as primarily a family occasion, but that's the culture I'm from, too.

Could you have a cheaper meal (mebbe a buffet? or fish and chips in cones like one wedding I went to Smile ) for mostly family incl family kids, followed by an evening do for grown-ups only? Can you cut costs in other ways? My MiL made our cake and did all the flowers... a friend took the photos ... we didn't bother with bridesmaids so no bridesmaids' dresses and gifts to shell out on. etc.

Could you hire a hall and do your own catering/ get some of the family to commit to bringing a dish? [over thinking it now!]

londonrach · 02/07/2016 08:31

I had a child free wedding. I know its looked down on by mntters but it was my wedding, my mum was very ill as was my gran and i wasnt sure if either would make it due to illness. I expected a no from parents and cmpletely understood that. However everyone turned up and it became a celebration of beating cancer too. We had amazing log fire in one room where everyone sat chatting to the wee hours and playing games. I know i was the bride but it seemed one of the most chilled weddings. I got changed around 10pm and returned in jeans as did a few guests. I dont plan to get married again but id do it again child free which also including babes in arms. Teenagers dont count as we had a couple Late teens.

daftbesom · 02/07/2016 08:31

PS evening do I mentioned would not be a meal.

And if you go down the "self-catering" / bring a quiche route, do rope in someone matronly you can trust to organise everyone.

HomerSimpsonsStubble · 02/07/2016 08:34

Hire a bouncy castle for £60 for the whole day and let the children come ffs. I've never been invited to a child free wedding, what a horrible thing to do.

diddl · 02/07/2016 08:37

We didn't have a child free wedding, but we didn't have an evening do, just the wedding & breakfast.

We found that friends didn't bring their children but relatives did.

Headofthehive55 · 02/07/2016 08:41

Of course I would politely say oh wonderful chance to be without the children, but secretly look for reasons not to attend.

Recently been invited to a child free do, declined. Babysitters not easy to get for that length of occasion. ( and I'd rather be with my kids thanks)

KittyOShea · 02/07/2016 08:55

I'm Irish and have never been to a wedding where all the children are invited- just nieces and nephews as a PP said so I can't imagine your Irish cousins will be at all surprised if children are not invited.

Our own wedding had nieces and nephews only apart from one breastfed baby. Had we invited children our list would have increased by about 40 people (we were the oldest in our friendship group to get married) and it would have been more like a day in a children's play park.

I don't get the 'it's a family occasion' thing where friends children are concerned- they are not your family anyway! Or indeed the 'we come as a package'- surely you don't attend work functions, formal occasions and children's birthday parties together as a family Confused?

However the real issue here is with your DP- you and he need to come to an agreement you are both happy with.

switswoo81 · 02/07/2016 08:56

I have never heard of children of guests ( not immediate family) being invited to a wedding. We have a few weddings this year and it wouldn't even enter my head dd is invited. We had a small( 95) people wedding by Irish standards and brought my husbands two nieces no other children.

None of my friends invited friends children to weddings. Sure with the rate my friends are reproducing would be a crèche.

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