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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it isn't bad form to have a child free wedding?

388 replies

WanderingNotLost · 02/07/2016 00:51

DP and I have started tentatively making wedding plans- we're paying for the whole thing ourselves and so will be on a pretty tight budget, and at present the guest list runs to 127 people (the biggest chunk of that being my massive Irish family). Believe it or not that is the essentials.

As a way of saving some money I suggested we make it a child-free wedding. DP thus far is not a fan of this idea, as a) he thinks it's bad form to say 'you can't bring your kids to our wedding' and b) if the people with kids can't bring their kids they just won't come.
I've pointed out that plenty of people have child-free weddings, quite often it's nice for the grown-ups to have a night off and let their hair down and get nicely sloshed and if we do have kids there, we run the risk of everyone who is there with kids leaving early to put said offspring to bed.

Looking for a consensus here- who is being U??

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2016 09:47

Its fine to have a child free wedding, but be prepared for a few declines from those with kids, or leaving early if they do come.

BorisMcBoakface · 02/07/2016 09:51

I think YANBU but I had a child-free wedding and it was fabulous!

BUT most of my close friends didn't have children, and it was in the same city where 95% of the guests live, which I think makes a difference (no overnight stays).

SuperFlyHigh · 02/07/2016 09:52

I'd personally want a wedding with children attending.

Is there the option of having a separate room with children's entertainer/childminder at the venue?

So many posts here on this thread re kids getting bored so that idea could work quite well and then the parents don't feel like they have to entertain their kids all night long and can relax a bit...

RB68 · 02/07/2016 09:53

They won't leave at "bedtime" believe me. (Irish rellies both sides) but they will let the kids stay up later than usual, then one or other of parents will take them home around 11 ish so not that early. I would say that culturally I think no kids would upset alot of the families, I think it causes bad feelings. Parents are very aware of the cost of you providing for their kids etc but also there is a huge cost to them. Whilst I agree its your wedding I would also say this is a family event. Its a party! I would cut costs elsewhere e.g. no need for favours or huge fancy table decs, tulle chair ties and chair covers, balloon arches and other such. Keep it simple and invite the people - its what makes weddings worth remembering

LadyCallandraDaviot · 02/07/2016 09:59

The problem I can see is that if they are all family some will have to decline a child free invitation, as the people who could babysit (granny, auntie, uncle etc) will be at the wedding too - so isn't it better to have them there for the first part of the day rather than none at all?

NataliaOsipova · 02/07/2016 10:02

I just DO NOT get the whole being pissy because your kid wasn't invited to your friends wedding thing.

I maybe expressed it badly. I'd in no way be pissy - totally up to the wedding couple - but I'd decline the invitation.

Dailymailsuxass · 02/07/2016 10:03

We had children at our wedding and it's wasn't at a hotel so some people local managed to get babysitters to collect younger ones or there were children on the dance floor dancing or sleeping being cuddled by granny or great aunt's etc who loved it.
We've taken ds to weddings and I think it's lovely to have a dance with him let him see relatives etc. Yes it maybe a late night but it's also a special occasion.

MissBattleaxe · 02/07/2016 10:08

We included children at our wedding, but I have no beef with child free. However, in your case, you should invite children for several reasons:

  1. Your DP wants them and it's his wedding and his family and friends too.
  2. Your reasons are a bit off kilter: 40% won't leave early if they bring kids. What's more likely is that the kids stay up later than usual and therefore the adults do as well.
  3. Kids are usually cheaper to feed as most venues do child menus.

Also- don't exclude babes in arms. Mothers often simply can't attend without them and it's not really fair, especially if they're BFing.

Also remember that guests have very long memories of weddings that pissed them off, so maybe it's worth including kids, Please don't do the flannel about "we're giving you a child free night off". They don't need to wait for wedding invitations just to have a night off.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2016 10:11

RB68 yes is the kids are older, but younger ones will struggle, and will need putting to bed at a reasonable time.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2016 10:13

Ds 4 gets really fractious unless he is asleep in his own bed, so we have left weddings early, like about 8/9pm so that we can put him to bed.

Farmmummy · 02/07/2016 10:18

I don't think ybu as you aren't doing it to be unkind but as parents ourselves we have been invited to 1.a child free wedding which was an immediate thanks but no as I only have one person I can trust to mind them for such a long period and it wouldn't have been fair on her as she also has 2 young kids. Also we are a very close family and I wouldn't be happy away overnight without them or late so we would have been leaving as soon as meal was over at latest.
Also invited to 2. Child free wedding quite a drive away but dc invited to reception also far away but in completely opposite direction which would have been very difficult.
Have taken our eldest now 6 to a few weddings since she was tiny and never left early because of having her when young she would just curl up in her buggy when tired but once able to walk lasted a lot longer than I could (health issues) and generally was highly offended when I wanted to leave.

Hope you get sorted

Katkincake · 02/07/2016 10:20

We had kids at our wedding in May. Yes it did limit the amount of adults we could invite in the day, but we wanted a relaxed fun, family wedding. The bit I enjoyed most about planning / making things was the kids boxes to keep them entertained during dinner, which went down a storm.

As we have a 2yr old I planned timings to suit the youngest ones, early wedding, short time between drinks on arrival and sitting down for meal, chips on the side for the kids and lots of toys and games, as well as a sweet buffet and icecream cart. Made for a lovely relaxed atmosphere which everyone enjoyed. The photographer also spent time in the afternoon taking some fab photos of the kids, which they're all printing huge canvasses of!

It all depends what 'type' of wedding you want, but as others have said be prepared for some declines and early leavers (we held ours locally so pretty much, all bar a few, kids got picked up by grandparents around 6). I did have to say no to some evening guests that wanted to bring their kids with them as knew it would be a bit raucous later in the evening and not really suitable for her 6&4 yr olds.

lapetitesiren · 02/07/2016 10:20

You say in the op "as a way of saving money"- it will often cost your guests more to attend without children.

Whocansay · 02/07/2016 10:21

I don't think it's bad form as such, but please don't dress it up as doing a favour to parents that they leave little ones at home. You are potentially making things very difficult for your guests and some will choose not to come. You are basically passing your costs on to them, as they have to arrange childcare and have to ferry children about. And bear in mind if they have babysitters, they will probably be leaving early as they will be on the clock.

I really wouldn't ban babes in arms though. You can't expect breastfeeding mothers to bottle feed their children for your convenience. And some people just wouldn't want to be away from their baby.

selsigfach · 02/07/2016 10:26

Plastic paddy here. Every Irish wedding was children-welcome when I was a kid. No chance of being sent home early, we just found a chair or lap to snooze in. Family or not, there's no way I'd travel from Ireland leaving my children behind to go to a wedding in London. Yanbu to have a child-free wedding but you would be unreasonable to grumble if people with children decline the invite.

BirdInTheRoom · 02/07/2016 10:30

YANBU to want a child free wedding, but I would bet that a large number of parents wouldn't bring them anyway. I wouldn't bring my kids to a wedding unless I had absolutely no choice!

MonkeyPJs · 02/07/2016 10:44

It's not bad form as such, but my chances of attending a child-free wedding are almost slim to none.

The reasons are:

  1. If it were a wedding for a very close family member, good chance all of my babysitters will also be there which would make the logistics difficult
  2. If I left the kids at 3ish or whenever the wedding started, I would probably be twitchy by 9pm anyway and wanting to get to them, especially if I didn't know the babysitter well - which I am aware sounds lame, but it's true in my case
  3. It's more of a faff than not bringing them. If I want a big night at a wedding, they come with us and DH or I will decide in advance which of us will leave with them half way through.
  4. If it were a family wedding and my DCs weren't invited and I wasn't overly close to whoever had invited me, I'd think 'well it's not really a family wedding anyway if the kids aren't there' so be less motivated to attend

Not saying my reasons are good or that YABU (you're not) but that's why I'd be unlikely to attend

MissMoo22 · 02/07/2016 10:47

I have kids. I would much rather go to a child free wedding. The thought of children running around while having dinner/drinks/dancing just isn't my cup of tea. I also don't know anyone AT ALL who would want to bring their kids to a wedding as they want to enjoy themselves without having to worry about if the kids were bored/behaving/safe/hungry/tired.

Maybe you could not mention on invites that kids are invited and just wait to see if anyone asks can they bring theirs? That saves having to invite them all and only those who would have babysitting issues would be asking if they could bring theirs. Or put on the invites that numbers are limited however if they are having childcare issues you would try to accommodate the kids?

19lottie82 · 02/07/2016 10:49

I got married 2 years ago and it never occurred to me not to invite the guests kids, I love kids at a wedding!

I'm not saying YABU, it's your wedding and your choice, however, as someone has pointed out, a wedding is about 2 family's joining together, so surely that shouldn't exclude children?

And surelythe hotel / caterer won't charge full price for children?

Again, totally your decision but be prepared for people to say they can't come (and possibly be quite miffed about it!), and also you can't make any exceptions, what so ever, as that is just a recipe for disaster!

microscope · 02/07/2016 10:50

Unlikely to have a exodus at 9.30 of parents of under 7s, they generally go to bed by 8 so those parents will probably get a babysitter or not come.

Banana99 · 02/07/2016 10:54

I have people who I can leave DD with during the day or during the evening. Not both.
I missed an evening reception recently as evening babysitter let us down - this happens a fair bit with her.
Unless you have reliable grandparents it can be hard - sometimes I say no because I can't guarantee babysitter till close to the date.

I went to a wedding once that was child free where my friend was pissed someone brought a 2 week BF baby from hundreds of miles away. She thought she should be left, her opinions changed when she had children of her own!

PurpleDaisies · 02/07/2016 11:20

And surelythe hotel / caterer won't charge full price for children?

That's not always the issue-you might not physically fit in your venue any more if you invite all children.

We did invite kids but got married before most of my friends had them. If we got married now that would be another 30 people to fit in. There aren't many venues around here that could fit in a wedding of that size!

Because my friends mostly live away I don't really know their children. They wouldn't be upset not to have their children invited and I wouldn't hold it against them if they weren't able to come.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 02/07/2016 11:21

Half my family is Irish so I understand the numbers of people involved!
In my experience giving people the choose is the best thing. Some will bring kids and some won't as most of the potential babysitters will actually be at the wedding.
I've found that most people bring buggies for the kids to fall asleep in or if the reception is in a hotel we've had half a dozen kids sleeping on the comfy sofas or chairs etc at the back of the room. It didn't trigger a mass exit when everyone left to put kids to bed.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 02/07/2016 11:25

If you do decide to allow kids give them something to do. At our wedding I did each child a cheap gift bag and put it on the table on the table for them to play with during the meal. The bag had colouring pencils or crayons (NOT pens!) a colouring book or pad of paper, lots of stickers, a card game etc. We also had an area where they could run about and play, kept everyone happier.

tinyterrors · 02/07/2016 11:33

It's your wedding so it's up to you whether you have children there. But don't get arsey if people with children don't come.

We've been invited to a cousin's wedding and our dcs aren't invited so we can't go because it's two hours away, our only babysitter is going, and it would cost a lot of money that I'd rather spend on a day with my dcs. My cousin isn't happy that we're not going but it's the risk you take when you don't invite children.

If you do invite children then it's likely most parents will let them stay up late for one night. The last wedding we went to all my dcs were aged 2-7 and we stayed till the end, the youngest went to sleep in his pushchair, one started getting tired about 11 and curled up in a chair and the 7yo had to be pulled off the dancefloor at midnight.