Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it isn't bad form to have a child free wedding?

388 replies

WanderingNotLost · 02/07/2016 00:51

DP and I have started tentatively making wedding plans- we're paying for the whole thing ourselves and so will be on a pretty tight budget, and at present the guest list runs to 127 people (the biggest chunk of that being my massive Irish family). Believe it or not that is the essentials.

As a way of saving some money I suggested we make it a child-free wedding. DP thus far is not a fan of this idea, as a) he thinks it's bad form to say 'you can't bring your kids to our wedding' and b) if the people with kids can't bring their kids they just won't come.
I've pointed out that plenty of people have child-free weddings, quite often it's nice for the grown-ups to have a night off and let their hair down and get nicely sloshed and if we do have kids there, we run the risk of everyone who is there with kids leaving early to put said offspring to bed.

Looking for a consensus here- who is being U??

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 02/07/2016 07:14

You have made it clear that it's about the money , which is fine . But please don't lie to yourslevs and others that it's about doing the parents a favour when it's not . It's about the budget and your own concerns that the atmosphere will be spoilt if people leave early .

senua · 02/07/2016 07:18

I have never understood MN's obsession with child-free weddings.

A wedding is where two families tie the knot. You might think that it is all about you, but it isn't. There are certain occasions in life where the whole clan gets together - hatches, matches and dispatches - and you want to deny your families that opportunity.
There is nothing more fun than a family party where everyone, across all the generations, happily mingles and create shared memories.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 02/07/2016 07:18

Also, I always use the "oh it's great to have a child free day!"'line when I'm invited to a child free wedding but really I'm not thinking that.
Having said all that, I am never cross that children aren't invited. It's your party and you invite who you want to!

OneArt · 02/07/2016 07:19

YANBU. I've been invited to several child free weddings and completely understand the justification.

However, I agree with posters saying not to tell parents you're doing it as a favour to them, so they can let their hair down. I find that really patronising!

BasinHaircut · 02/07/2016 07:20

I had a child free wedding before I had kids.

Now I have a child I still prefer to attend child free weddings. I don't get it when people say 'when you will have kids you will have a different view'. Most weddings have a reasonable amount of hanging around and kids get bored.

Obviously if I got married now though I'd probably have to at least allow my own child to attend!

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 02/07/2016 07:20

We don't have anyone nearby who could have DD (no friends with any experience of looking after babies, family live a fair distance away) so we wouldn't go to a child free wedding.

It's your choice to have a child free wedding, but it's a case of "you've made your bed so you've got to lie in it" - if people don't come because it's child free or leave early to pick kids up from babysitters, that's the risk you take.

NightWanderer · 02/07/2016 07:24

I think it depends on your family/friends. I'm the youngest in my family, so all my cousins had young children when we got married. As such, we had a family-friendly wedding in a garden with kids games and then dinner at the village hall. It would have been very difficult for me to have a child-free wedding, I think. There was a thread by a woman whose brother had decided no children under 12. Her daughter was the only one in the family who was under 12 (she was 11), so it felt mean.

Tumtitum · 02/07/2016 07:25

We had a 120 guest wedding (DH is Irish) and we had children of our brothers and sisters and cousins and one friend whose son was page boy but apart from that (and a couple of breast fed babies whose parents sent them home with their parents in the eve anyway) we didn't invite any friends' children. I think most parents were glad to have a night/weekend away without the kids to be honest! Certainly no one said anything to us. We also paid for a baby sitter to sit with the one table of kids we had so their parents could relax and in the evening she took them to the parent's hotel room to watch a film and then go to bed. Could be an option if there are people who really don't have child care? (For what it's worth our Irish family with kids were more than happy to come away for a child free weekend!! ;) ). At the end of the day it's your wedding but I think you just have to be mindful or if people need to travel and don't have childcare or breastfed babies etc

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 02/07/2016 07:27

There were quite a lot of children at my dd's wedding last year, but several of her friends chose not to bring them, because they wanted to be able to relax properly. Of course not everyone has the option of anyone willing or able to look after them.

There is no doubt that if there would be a lot of children on the guest list, especially if you have a big family, then it will bump up the cost considerably, so if money is not unlimited you then you have the problem of having to leave out X, who will then be offended because you have invited Y.
So no, I don't think it's unreasonable to invite adults only, or perhaps to limit children to your closest family members.

Callwaiting · 02/07/2016 07:28

It doesn't bother me whatsoever if my kids aren't invited. There's normally months of notice to get childcare and then dh and I can enjoy a rare day out together.
Of course it's fine if they are invited too and normally good (chaotic!) fun.

HoobleDooble · 02/07/2016 07:28

leaving early? We took our son to my best friend's wedding last year (he was 6), and we had to drag him off the dance floor as he was the last one standing and they wanted to close the venue! We totally relax bedtime routines for special occasions (he's still up by 5.30 the next day though! Sad).

squiggleirl · 02/07/2016 07:29

I'm Irish, so most of the weddings I have been to are obviously Irish ones.

I can't think of one where there was a blanket invite for kids. Most weddings only invite children if they are nieces or nephews of the bride and groom. All other kids would generally not be invited.

At ours we did have 2 extra kids as their parents were travelling to the wedding and all their immediate family lived abroad. But other than that, people generally don't expect their kids to be invited to a wedding.

Mrscog · 02/07/2016 07:29

I don't think child free wedding are unreasonable, but I think baby free are - does anyone have a baby under say 9 months? I'd let them come as it makes no difference to meals etc, but babies can be harder for parents to leave.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 02/07/2016 07:31

We have a child free wedding in August and it's a bit of a ball ache as we have no childcare. The invite says 'please use this as the night off you deserve' Hmm well gee thanks! DH has to go as he's an usher and I'd love to as I love a wedding but might have to not go, and if I do go I'll have to leave early to collect the baby from my cousin far away. C'est la vie though!
I don't really think you're BU, but don't be annoying and tell people to see your child free wedding as a favour!

Runningupthathill82 · 02/07/2016 07:33

I've got a child-free wedding coming up. I really want to go, and it's a close friend, but she doesn't realise what a massive PITA it is for people with kids who don't have babysitters at hand.

To make it work, I'm having to leave one child with grandparents in one city an hour from us, and the other child with grandparents in a city 2hrs drive away. Neither grandparent will have both kids at once and neither will drive to have them at ours.

So, the day of the wedding I have a 4-hr round trip to drop kids off, then the next day another round trip to pick them up again.

It is rather frustrating when people dress it up as a "night off", as if a child-free wedding is a favour to parents. It's not. If people have babysitters nearby then chances are they'll leave the kids anyway. But lots of people don't, and it makes arrangements extremely difficult.

I know it's an invitation not a summons and all that. But I do want to go to this wedding. I just wish it didn't entail a road trip across the North just to get the children sorted.

YANBU to have the wedding you want OP, but do realise it might cause a lot of childcare issues. Bringing them along is so much easier IMO. And my toddler can keep going later in the evening than I can!

witsender · 02/07/2016 07:34

I have a pet peeve about people phrasing decisions that they make based on finances and their own personal requirements as a favour to me.

There is nothing inherently wrong with a childfree wedding. It would have to be someone very close to me for me to go, as otherwise we use up childcare opportunities left right and centre. I wouldn't have left the kids when they were under say, 2 anyway. Yes, if we brought the kids now (6 and 4) one of us would leave at a sensible time, but if we didn't have them there chances are we wouldn't come at all.

There is nothing wrong with a childfree wedding, just don't be put out if people don't come.

TheCrumpettyTree · 02/07/2016 07:35

I have no problem with child free weddings. Luckily we have willing grandparents to baby sit so I would go. In fact I would actively choose this option.

I don't understand this 'we come as a package' thing. Why is anyone offended if their children aren't invited? If you can't get a babysitter then don't go, but stop thinking the rest of the world revolves around your children. DH and I rarely have any time to ourselves so would love a day where we can relax, chat to friends and drink whilst the DC have a fun day with grandparents.

As long as you're prepared for people not to go then it's fine. If it's a family wedding though, will they have babysitters available?

witsender · 02/07/2016 07:36

If it was a local wedding, and easy for parents to babysit we would leave the kids regardless of your diktat, unless it was family or close friends whose kids were there.

daydreamnation · 02/07/2016 07:36

I've been invited to 3 weddings this year, all child free and absolutely no chance I'll be able to go to any of them. It's your call but please don't think you're doing the parents a favour, you're really not!

Fomalhaut · 02/07/2016 07:39

We had child free for the same reasons. If we'd have invited kids then the guest list would have been 1/3 of what we had!
Only one couple couldn't come because of it. We allowed babes in arms. Everyone had a good time (or so they told us repeatedly )

It's your wedding. Do what you want - but you and your fiancé need to agree

sparechange · 02/07/2016 07:40

We ended up with a child free wedding but only because all of our friends with children wanted to leave them at home

I even had 2 people turn down my request/invitation for their daughter to be a flower girl so they could have a day without their kids
The other two flower girls got picked up by grandparents after the service and taken home

I don't think there is anything wrong with a child free wedding but I don't think it will save much money in the grand scheme of things. There are other areas you can shave money from if it means a lot to your DP to have children there

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 02/07/2016 07:40

No parent is 'grateful' for a child-free wedding. A child-inclusive wedding doesn't mean they HAVE to bring the kids, it means they have the option of bringing the kids or paying for babysitting and having a big night out.

PansOnFire · 02/07/2016 07:41

Child free is fine if you both agree; your DP doesn't agree so YABU.

By saying that there might be a mass exodus you're implying that you care about numbers rather than who is actually there. People leave early for all sorts of reasons, children really aren't the main reason and if people say they are then it's usually an excuse for leaving a crap do.

Invite the families, celebrate the families being brought together. Surely, that's the point of the wedding? Or don't, whatever. But if you don't invite DC don't dress it up that you're doing the parents a favour. If we want a child free night out then we get a babysitter, easy.

layla2016 · 02/07/2016 07:43

You seem to be concerned more that these 50 people will leave early and ruin the party...are you prepared that a vast proportion of that 50 just won't come at all?

Child free is fine if that's what you want but don't dress it us as doing the adults a favour. You aren't. You are making a family occasion into a massive headache for parents. It would be very unlikely that we would attend a child free wedding due to circumstances and I'd be really annoyed that it was dressed up as a favour.

OutsiderInTheGarden · 02/07/2016 07:48

I think childfree is fine, but no doubt some guests will not be able to come if that's the case. I would turn down pretty much any wedding invitation right now that didn't allow me to take our son. Surely the people who will be happy about childfree are the ones who would have left them at home anyway?

The most important questions, of course, are will the food be vegan and will there be a charitable donation in place of wedding favours? Hmm

Swipe left for the next trending thread