AIBU to ask you if staying with this man is a mistake?

[MsConsuela]

Please be patient and read to the end if you can!

Pros-

1. One of the two people in the world I can really be myself with
2. My best friend since years- I tell

him everything, he's my confidante apart from my mum.

1. I trust that he won't cheat- this is big for me, because my ex cheated and all the men in my family cheated, so that insecurity never left me. I value the open line of communication we have and how honest and patient he is with me.
2. I don't want children and it's impossible to find men my age who don't want them either. He's ok with not having them and he never pressures me on this
3. I have anxiety and temper issues- he's very patent and understanding with it.

CONS

1. He is an absolute miser. Doesn't spend on anything other than bare essentials.
2. He has taken me out one exactly ONE date since we have been together.
3. Because he is such a miser we barely go anywhere- he never eats out or goes to the cinema and this makes for a rather boring life.
4. I am not one of those entitled people who expects her bf to spend thousands on her- AT ALL. But he is the sort who will ask me to pay him back even £5 and he has never bought me anything (except chocolates on my birthday and an occasional pack of crisps)
5. He isn't very encouraging of my work. Now to be clear, he isn't a chauvinist who expects me to stay home and cook (in fact he does all the cooking), but at the same time due to his general negative attitude he's always telling me I won't get the promotion or the project.

Basically, I don't think I've ever gotten a well done on anything from him.

1. This is a big one- he's into some risky investments (that aren't even allowed in his profession) and it really really bothers me.

Since we are a couple and if we look at a future together how can I be with someone who is usually a miser and then gambles his life savings and reputation and job away? It doesn't make sense and when I told I could t live with it, he said he couldn't stop for at least a year.

1. We don't agree on how much to spend on rent and it's going to be impossible to find a place together.
2. He lives at mine but never cleans anything other than kitchen(because he's the one who mainly uses) and doesn't help pay the bills.
3. While he always looks after me when I'm sick, he doesn't offer to come for doctor's appointments etc unless I insist. Recently I had some traumatic medical procedures for which I went alone, and I felt very unsupported then.

I have seen some positive changes in him in terms of going out and doing things that make me happy- but very little.

His risky investments can potentially damage my reputation at work too if they come out and that causes me a lot of anxiety ( I won't give details here)

I do love him, but my friends are sick of me because I'm always unhappy and moaning about something or another.

This results in me nagging him constantly and us fighting.

I don't know what to do.

My background is very complicated. I have nobody except my Mum and she lives in another continent.

I've been alone here for six years and the idea of being alone again isn't appealing

As pathetic as it sounds, I liked the idea of someone other than my mum being there for me.

I'm damned if I leave and damned if I don't/

What should I do?

Let's face it, he's a dick.

Lock the door and be done with it.

It shows how much of a walkover he thinks you are that he defends not wanting to spend a penny on you, and then starts to ignore you whilst LIVING IN YOUR HOUSE.

He could have buggered off home, at the very least. I'm angry on your behalf!

He has just messaged to say he can't stand the animosity between us and do I hate him now.

Oh dear god

Respond saying of course not, but need a bit of space and living together is stressing you out.

Arfarf-

I am going to tell him to move out. Tonight.

It isn't great being alone, but I do understand that I deserve to be treated better.

I'm not angry because I'm tired. It's been such a difficult year in so many ways- I'm too tired to be angry at anyone.

Get him out of the flat first and then you can think about the relationship as a whole.

Have just the whole thread - OP please stay strong and get rid. You deserve better, and being alone IS better than being with someone who drains the joy out of life.

Ignore the emotional manipulative crap. I understand that you don't want a big showdown so for now just message him back to say that the relationship is not working and it would be better for both of you if you had some space from each other. You will get his things together and he can collect them after work to take back to his place.

Don't get into an argument about it. Tell him what you want and don't let him manipulate and bully you. I would let him think there is still a chance of getting back together until he and his stuff is definitely gone so you don't have to face his animosity. He sounds like he could be very nasty and hurtful.

Good luck.

I bet he will talk you round tonight op. Please prove me wrong.

Message back and say yes. Woman up for goodness sake! You are settling for this guy because you believe there's nothing better out there for you - but believe me, you'd be better off alone and happy, doing some work on yourself, getting the counselling, being in your lovely flat, taking care of yourself till you recover from this illness, then starting fresh.

From what you have described it sounds as though he has been using you and your place but since you have ops coming up and might need someone...

Just stay friendly. Don't tell him you have realised what a tw@t he is until you are back in good health

Yeah it's not ideal, still get him to move out but people online can't run errands and get you stuff you need after an operation the way that he can so why not use him for a while then... get rid

He's not going to talk me round.

I may have been a pushover with other things, but not when it comes to my job. My job is years and years of hard work- can't risk that.

So for the simple reason that he won't stop being dodgy- he has to leave. I just haven't had the time or the patience this week to sort this out, but it's on the agenda that he leaves by tomorrow latest.

Everything else aside, I can't take the stress that I'm risking my career (even the smallest, remotest possibility of that is unacceptable)

Plus his work starts 3 hours before mine and I've been waking up by default the same time as him (because the place is so small). The lack of sleep isn't doing my fragile health any favours

So he really does need to move to his and he can't talk me round on this one.

For now I'll tell him we need distance and he HAS to move out.

Once he's gone, I'll break it off.

Less animosity to deal with face to face I suppose.

Regarding using him for errands during the op- I think I will ask my mum to come here for a few weeks if the op happens soon.

Nobody can take care of me like she would and even emotionally I'd feel better equipped to deal with surgery if she were around.

Is this the guy who's doing dodgy dealings in the financial sector? I think I remember you posting about it before and you were told them to leave as well...

I had to google the word miser

OP - I'm just a thick bloke from Newcastle, so definitely not the best to person to comment on things, but he 100% needs to go.

Everything you have said makes you sound like a caring, friendly and thoughtful person. Everyone nags or is short sometimes, it's human nature.

The things you want are just what most people do in a relationship, a lot of them without thinking. It's common decency to think of others when in their company, especially if you're in love with them.

It doesn't sound like he could ever change, it's deeply ingrained in his brain, I'm sure his upbringing does play a big part. I also worry he may have picked you because you were a virgin?

Anyway, I don't think you will have any trouble finding someone else, it's hard to tell from written words but your personality seems friendly and inviting.

Yeah if your mum can come then def just get rid

If it was me I'd have his stuff already packed to avoid him trying to talk you out of it

Asprilla-

I didn't realise there were blokes on MN!

Thanks for posting- it really helps to have a man's opinion on these things.

Usually lads stick up for each other, so when a man tells me my bf is behaving like an arse, that really means something.

Asprilla you don't sound thick at all

Btw I don't think he knew before that I was a virgin

I was so embarrassed to be a virgin at 26 that I didn't tell anyone!

I even lied to him about my "number", I was that embarrassed. Of course I was busted when we actually did it for the first time

You're 27 the whole of your life to find someone or just enjoy life single. You're throwing your youth and life away living with this man. Get rid!

If he ruins your career by his breaches of the law/dodgy dealings that could destroy a large part of your life and security. It is never worth being with these types who break the law.

Some people are total misers and they are not that much fun to be with either.

There are lots of good mean out there adn it is not true that men your age 27 all want children. Huge numbers don't. In fact many men wait until they are nearly 40 before they settle down which really annoys loads of women intheir 20s and 30s who need to get on with babies before it is too late.

You will definitely find a man of your age who does not want children or does not want them for say 10 more years.

Oh and you need your sleep. He wakes you up 3 hours before you need to. he nicest thing for me about being divorced after 20 years married is sleep or one of the nicest things. I get to bed every night at 10 or whenever I want to. It's absolutely wonderful to sleep alone.

Ignoring you while living in your flat? Wtf

Has even one person on this thread said you should stay with Him?