AIBU to ask you if staying with this man is a mistake?

[MsConsuela]

Please be patient and read to the end if you can!

Pros-

1. One of the two people in the world I can really be myself with
2. My best friend since years- I tell

him everything, he's my confidante apart from my mum.

1. I trust that he won't cheat- this is big for me, because my ex cheated and all the men in my family cheated, so that insecurity never left me. I value the open line of communication we have and how honest and patient he is with me.
2. I don't want children and it's impossible to find men my age who don't want them either. He's ok with not having them and he never pressures me on this
3. I have anxiety and temper issues- he's very patent and understanding with it.

CONS

1. He is an absolute miser. Doesn't spend on anything other than bare essentials.
2. He has taken me out one exactly ONE date since we have been together.
3. Because he is such a miser we barely go anywhere- he never eats out or goes to the cinema and this makes for a rather boring life.
4. I am not one of those entitled people who expects her bf to spend thousands on her- AT ALL. But he is the sort who will ask me to pay him back even £5 and he has never bought me anything (except chocolates on my birthday and an occasional pack of crisps)
5. He isn't very encouraging of my work. Now to be clear, he isn't a chauvinist who expects me to stay home and cook (in fact he does all the cooking), but at the same time due to his general negative attitude he's always telling me I won't get the promotion or the project.

Basically, I don't think I've ever gotten a well done on anything from him.

1. This is a big one- he's into some risky investments (that aren't even allowed in his profession) and it really really bothers me.

Since we are a couple and if we look at a future together how can I be with someone who is usually a miser and then gambles his life savings and reputation and job away? It doesn't make sense and when I told I could t live with it, he said he couldn't stop for at least a year.

1. We don't agree on how much to spend on rent and it's going to be impossible to find a place together.
2. He lives at mine but never cleans anything other than kitchen(because he's the one who mainly uses) and doesn't help pay the bills.
3. While he always looks after me when I'm sick, he doesn't offer to come for doctor's appointments etc unless I insist. Recently I had some traumatic medical procedures for which I went alone, and I felt very unsupported then.

I have seen some positive changes in him in terms of going out and doing things that make me happy- but very little.

His risky investments can potentially damage my reputation at work too if they come out and that causes me a lot of anxiety ( I won't give details here)

I do love him, but my friends are sick of me because I'm always unhappy and moaning about something or another.

This results in me nagging him constantly and us fighting.

I don't know what to do.

My background is very complicated. I have nobody except my Mum and she lives in another continent.

I've been alone here for six years and the idea of being alone again isn't appealing

As pathetic as it sounds, I liked the idea of someone other than my mum being there for me.

I'm damned if I leave and damned if I don't/

What should I do?

If he ruins my career, I will never forgive myself for being this stupid

I've been told by people better informed about these things that my career so far is not at risk- mainly because I have done nothing wrong at all myself and there is no link between me and him on paper.

But the longer this goes on, the risks will rise. Because I can't really claim after having been with a man for a year or more that I didn't know what he was up to...

So I've got to end this while I can still get out unscathed from a professional point of view

Well done, OP, with your plan.

Definitely. As a lawyer I often see people tainted by what others have done and even though you would have thought they were nothing to do with it they end up doing one small thing which means they get included in some kind of conspiracy kind of charge or even just rumours which damage their career. It can be very unfair.

I'd do something else here.

Print out this thread - go through it with 2 highlighter pens - eg blue and orange - blue are good points, the orange are bad points. Make a note of how many are good and bad at the end of the highlighting task.

do you also have a friend you could talk this over with too?

Also - you may need therapy (short counselling sessions) with cognitive behavioural therapy to get you over this person and make you see why you see yourself in the role of 'saver' and making excuses for him. Otherwise you will either go back to him or choose the same sort of man next time.

I have friends that I have talked to but majority of them are quite judgemental - they aren't very sensitive

Your relationship sounds more and more miserable every time you post.

I felt discouraged after 26 years of searching I couldn't find anyone that I clicked with. And then he showed up and he wasn't that bad and I was just tired of waiting.

You're 27, you haven't been searching for 26 years.

I'm also 27, have a child and don't want any more, this hasn't made it impossible to find someone.

OP - then if your friends are judgmental I'd seriously suggest a counsellor/therapist. you need support and non judgmental support and advice here.

I've just been unlucky with finding men who don't want kids.

I recall a Tinder date with an Italian bloke who proudly told me he wanted three sons and would call the first one Luca.

This was a first date...

Oh that's handy thank you

Yes, this will be dealt with tonight.

He's already sent me a message to guilt trip me.

That I'm okay not speaking to him fr days and carrying on with my life while he is miserable.

He said he feels guilty and sad and he's sorry and he's feeling worse about it all with every passing second.

I'm not falling for that...

Get rid of him, I remember the last post - no good can come of this relationship.

Awe sweetheart, I want to hug you {{{{{MsConsuela}}}}} this is not good at all, you clearly love him but he’s simply not worthy of your love. It won’t be easy but you need to find some strength from somewhere and get out of this relationship.

There was something you said that perhaps you could focus on, you said.....

This is a big one- he's into some risky investments (that aren't even allowed in his profession) and it really really bothers me. Since we are a couple and if we look at a future together how can I be with someone who is usually a miser and then gambles his life savings and reputation and job away? It doesn't make sense and when I told I could t live with it, he said he couldn't stop for at least a year

How about making a plan that involves you leaving him for just a year. You’ll need to make the plan first before you tell him, decide what you are going to do, sort out living accommodation. MOST IMPORTANT stay focussed on your job because this will be your solace and help you retain your self worth.

When everything is in place at a moment you’re feeling confident, you just remind him of the thing that he says he can’t stop doing for at least a year, or better still get him to repeat it.

That’s when you say “well that’s not acceptable, I love you but I’m leaving you for that year, and I won’t be back until you’ve stopped!

Then off you go into your pre-arranged life. Hopefully you’ll meet somebody more worthy before the years is out and the loser will be consigned to your history.

You have all been very kind

Thank you very much, I really do appreciate it.

Very occasionally when I have had a hard day with the kids ill day dream about what life without children would be like.

Things I think about are -

A more successful career (which he could potentially ruin and gives no praise or encouragement for)

A lot more money with no children to spend it on (but he won't spend his and then risks it by gambling which could potentially land you in hot water if you live together and need to bail him out)

Lots of lovely holidays exploring new countries and cultures (which he wont go on)

Lots of nice child free days and nights out, visits to lovely restaurants (which he won't do)

Someone to have a great relationship with experiencing new things and spending lots of time laughing and having sex whenever you like and who puts you first en gore anyone including things like supporting you with your medical health (doesn't sound like he's up for this)

You made a choice to have no children but other than not having to deal with children you don't get any of the other benefits that you should have by having a child free life staying with this man. None of the fun stuff we as parents can't do at the drop of a hat due to childcare or finances. What's the point in staying with him?

Loads of people don't have children these days. I have four married couple friends who definitely aren't and many more who in our thirties now still don't and aren't sure. You can find someone else and someone who won't cheat who has the same outlook as you. You don't owe him anything because he had a bad childhood. His mum does!

Your life could be so much more enriched with less worries without him as your partner.

Drug dealer???? That's the only high risk investment that I can think of that is no allowed in your job and could risk your job???

I think she may be talking about insider trading, not drug dealing...

So there are worse things! He is dong neither of the above fortunately.

Is it dodgy accountancy/tax evasion?

I told him he lived in a jail and he puts money before people.

He's moving out

Thank goodness, MsConsuela. Sorry it's come to this but you have to put yourself first.

Yay
You should join tinder just to talk to other men and see that lots of them don't want children etc

He just needs to move out asap! the sooner the better.

There are LOADS of men who don't want children.