AIBU to ask you if staying with this man is a mistake?

[MsConsuela]

Please be patient and read to the end if you can!

Pros-

1. One of the two people in the world I can really be myself with
2. My best friend since years- I tell

him everything, he's my confidante apart from my mum.

1. I trust that he won't cheat- this is big for me, because my ex cheated and all the men in my family cheated, so that insecurity never left me. I value the open line of communication we have and how honest and patient he is with me.
2. I don't want children and it's impossible to find men my age who don't want them either. He's ok with not having them and he never pressures me on this
3. I have anxiety and temper issues- he's very patent and understanding with it.

CONS

1. He is an absolute miser. Doesn't spend on anything other than bare essentials.
2. He has taken me out one exactly ONE date since we have been together.
3. Because he is such a miser we barely go anywhere- he never eats out or goes to the cinema and this makes for a rather boring life.
4. I am not one of those entitled people who expects her bf to spend thousands on her- AT ALL. But he is the sort who will ask me to pay him back even £5 and he has never bought me anything (except chocolates on my birthday and an occasional pack of crisps)
5. He isn't very encouraging of my work. Now to be clear, he isn't a chauvinist who expects me to stay home and cook (in fact he does all the cooking), but at the same time due to his general negative attitude he's always telling me I won't get the promotion or the project.

Basically, I don't think I've ever gotten a well done on anything from him.

1. This is a big one- he's into some risky investments (that aren't even allowed in his profession) and it really really bothers me.

Since we are a couple and if we look at a future together how can I be with someone who is usually a miser and then gambles his life savings and reputation and job away? It doesn't make sense and when I told I could t live with it, he said he couldn't stop for at least a year.

1. We don't agree on how much to spend on rent and it's going to be impossible to find a place together.
2. He lives at mine but never cleans anything other than kitchen(because he's the one who mainly uses) and doesn't help pay the bills.
3. While he always looks after me when I'm sick, he doesn't offer to come for doctor's appointments etc unless I insist. Recently I had some traumatic medical procedures for which I went alone, and I felt very unsupported then.

I have seen some positive changes in him in terms of going out and doing things that make me happy- but very little.

His risky investments can potentially damage my reputation at work too if they come out and that causes me a lot of anxiety ( I won't give details here)

I do love him, but my friends are sick of me because I'm always unhappy and moaning about something or another.

This results in me nagging him constantly and us fighting.

I don't know what to do.

My background is very complicated. I have nobody except my Mum and she lives in another continent.

I've been alone here for six years and the idea of being alone again isn't appealing

As pathetic as it sounds, I liked the idea of someone other than my mum being there for me.

I'm damned if I leave and damned if I don't/

What should I do?

Let me be honest about something else- I feel guilty.

He left his ex for me and I know he loves me. He has nobody else either- I'll forget when he said he's never had anyone who loves him.

Even his mum made him feel like the unwanted child.

He grew up extremely poor- he used stuff he would "find" instead of buy

So I understand where the twisted perception of money comes from and it's his severely deprived childhood.

Now he supports his mum and sister because they don't work.

So again, i understand that pressure too.

His job is so shit right now and he was recently on the verge of being unemployed.

So I just end up feeling guilty and selfish when I criticise him

Are you telling us that he lives with you and you pay all the bills? And that he is a miser with his own money? (I bet he's not a miser when it comes to using your electricity and food, is he?) And that he's involved in shady dealings which would have an impact on your career? And that your life with him is boring at best?

Are you really so desperate for a man that you'll settle for this one? He may be a good friend but bloody hell, he's a nightmare boyfriend. No wonder he's not looking for a shared flat - why should he when he's living with you for nothing?

OP, HONESTLY - and I say this with gentleness - read your post as if it was written by someone else. The second part 'explains' much of the purportedly positive first part.

Being one of the only two people you tell everything to becomes a much less strong statement when it emerges that you are clearly a rather isolated and vulnerable person, and the only other candidate is your mother.

The fact that he doesn't pressure you into wanting children is neither here nor there - why would he want children when he's a miser and essentially your own grown-up child, fed and watered and catered for and loved, for free???

Ditto the fact that you can be sure he won't be unfaithful - frankly, if he's too mean to take you out on more than a single date in years, this suggest a reason for his faithfulness - lack of opportunity and the fact that it costs money to drive to assignations/rent hotel rooms etc. Do you really want fidelity because it's cheaper and more convenient for him???

And of course he's 'honest' and 'patient' because you're a free meal ticket, accommodation, food, and sex, with no strings, allowing him to blow money on senselessly risky deals!

OP, why is your self-esteem at such a low place that you are allowing yourself to be so exploited? Is being alone really worse than being taken for a fool by a miserly unattractive man who seemingly values you at the price of a packet of crisps? Why is he living rent-free in your house?

And of course you have anxiety and temper issues in this kind of exploitative dynamic - at some level you know you're being taken for a ride.

He seems like a poncy cocklodger to me! Is he one of my ex boyfriends? He sounds very arrogant and a user. You can do better!

OP life does not have to be this hard - YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SETTLE FOR THIS!
there are other men out there that can be trusted (despite what sometime appears on here!), who are thoughtful and patient and kind - but also take responsibility for themselves and their actions.

Even if you don't find someone immediately, for a while or forever, you will be so so much better off without this unpleasant arse in your life!

It would be a deal breaker for me. He is sponging off you - effectively a cock lodger, but gives you no emotional support and tries to demean your achievements. No wonder he wouldn't cheat, no-one else would have him, and he has you right where he wants you.

What should you do? Kick him out, work on your self esteem and expectations, and start to feel confident being on your own rather than depending on this cock-lodger loser for your self worth.

You say your friends say you are always moaning, you need your friends, they will eventually get tired of you.
You are letting his lack of "fun time" seep into your life/mood, do you want your friends to see you as a miserable git?
Do not worry about being alone, recapture that fun side of you, and you will not be alone for long.

'I'll forget when he said he's never had anyone who loves him.

Even his mum made him feel like the unwanted child.

He grew up extremely poor- he used stuff he would "find" instead of buy sad

So I understand where the twisted perception of money comes from and it's his severely deprived childhood.

Now he supports his mum and sister because they don't work.

So again, i understand that pressure too.

His job is so shit right now and he was recently on the verge of being unemployed.

So I just end up feeling guilty and selfish when I criticise him'

Jesus WEPT! So this is the reason why you have to allow this person to take advantage of you and treat you like shit? He's supporting them but sponging off you. Quibbling over a fiver when he's in your house not paying bills and with you cleaning up after him.

You need some serious help with your self-esteem, because people like this see you coming.

Sort out the money thing, charge him rent if you have to and if he won't send him home.

Seriously you're making do, once you admit that to yourself you'll find things easier. This is not your happy and while you're in the relationship the way it is you're not going to find it.

Of course it's a mistake to stay with him.

1. He's tighter than a duck's ass and sucks any joy out of life.

1. He's insider trading and will get caught. Your career will be damaged by his illegal actions.

Did you really think you would get a different response by posting a second time?

He pays for his own food and cooks for me as well.

I haven't paid for his food

Also- some bills are concluded in my rent so they would be a constant cost whether he lived here or not.

I don't know if that makes a difference

Umm he's not insider trading?!

Not sure when I said that

Please understand that I'm rather vulnerable right now- I don't think it's helpful if anyone jumps to conclusions and makes assumptions or starts troll hunting.

If you want details, happy to PM.

The answers are the same as the last time you put this up

Dear God. I've only been on Mumsnet for a few weeks now and every day I read posts that make me realise how BLESSED I am to live on my own and be single. No way will I EVER lead a miserable existence again.

If a decent man comes along great it'll be a bonus but if not I am just fine and free as a bird as I am. I have been on my own for longer than 6 years and I will never settle again just so I'm not lonely. It's better to have the odd lonely day than to be miserable every single day. Been there, done that.

MsConsuela you are clearly deeply unhappy. This man is contributing nothing to your life that I can see except as a confidante and hell you could find yourself a good friend who can be that for you.

Every day you stay with this joyless user is a day when you are not available and open to meeting someone new. Someone who will love, cherish and respect you. You deserve that. Don't settle for this man who does not make you happy.

I had a bf once who played the pity card. His Mum had died in a fire and early on he told me I was the best thing that had happened to him since his Mum died. It made me feel trapped and unable to trust my inner voice that was screaming at me, as I felt it would be cruel to dump him. Later I recognised it for the manipulative behaviour that it was. It sounds like he is doing a similar number on you.

His happiness is not your responsibility. Nor is it your job to 'rescue' him, although by putting him up and falling for his sob story that is what you are doing. I think society conditions women to think like this.

All you are doing now is defending him.
You KNOW this isn't OK.
You KNOW you don't want to live your life like this.
You KNOW he's a tight arse.
You KNOW he is not right for you as a partner.
So stop minimising and excusing.
Stop feeling sorry for people who are taking advantage of you.(look up co-dependency you will find yourself there)
Get some assertiveness training and get yourself some counselling.
You'll be fine. You sound lovely.
But just toooooo lovely!
Time to take back YOUR life and live it how YOU want to!

leave. absolutely leave.

life can be good you know? you have to make the decision.

No it doesn't make any difference.

From a completely pragmatic viewpoint if someone at work said they knew heir boyfriend was insider trading and was considering moving them into their place ......would you say "great" or would you tell them they were risking their career and reputation ?

He is no doubt aware of the possible consequences on you if he gets caught so if he cared about you genuinely he'd either ditch the dodgy dealing or make sure nothing gets back to you by keeping a separate address. (Which maybe he is doing .....where does his mail go?)

I'd suggest you try a months break. No contact for a month and decide if you miss him as the love of your life or just the best friend with benefits.

Yes, I had a friend who was once in a relationship with a man whose parents had both committed suicide . Unsurprisingly and legitimately, he had been badly affected. The upshot, however, was that he was a viciously controlling partner whose hold over his girlfriend rested largely on her talking herself into the belief that the usual rules didn't apply to him because he was so damaged, and that she needed to forgive appalling behaviour because she was the only one he had etc etc.

leave

If you stay you are at best very likely to look back in years to come and regret the amount of time you wasted with this man.

The pro's you list are ones you can find with lots of people - friends as well as partners. You say he's your best friend. But best friend's don't take the piss when it comes to paying their way or sharing the housework etc if they live together.

If someone is miserly by nature then in my experience they don't change.

If he takes risky financial decisions that could seriously affect you, well, that's not something I'd expect of a best friend either. My ex H ended up going down for dodgy financial dealings. I didn't have a career that was affected by extension, but, I did end up homeless and in massive debt thanks for deals he did behind my back! Someone who loves you, has your best interests at heart, and doesn't put you at risk intentionally.

He has had a tough upbringing etc etc, but so have many people. You only have to look at the 'stately homes' thread on here to witness some appalling parenting. It's a reason, but it's not an excuse and you don't have to stay out of guilt/pity/fear or whatever else you might be feeling. If you have to ask. And by the sounds of it, you've asked this before - then look at the question like a big, red warning flag.

Just a teeny tiny point, but you say he left his ex for you- so you were the OW? If that's the case (and please forgive me if I've over-extrapolated here), then you can cross Number 3 off the list of his good points. If he can do it with you, he can do it to you, etc.