AIBU to ask you if staying with this man is a mistake?

[MsConsuela]

Please be patient and read to the end if you can!

Pros-

1. One of the two people in the world I can really be myself with
2. My best friend since years- I tell

him everything, he's my confidante apart from my mum.

1. I trust that he won't cheat- this is big for me, because my ex cheated and all the men in my family cheated, so that insecurity never left me. I value the open line of communication we have and how honest and patient he is with me.
2. I don't want children and it's impossible to find men my age who don't want them either. He's ok with not having them and he never pressures me on this
3. I have anxiety and temper issues- he's very patent and understanding with it.

CONS

1. He is an absolute miser. Doesn't spend on anything other than bare essentials.
2. He has taken me out one exactly ONE date since we have been together.
3. Because he is such a miser we barely go anywhere- he never eats out or goes to the cinema and this makes for a rather boring life.
4. I am not one of those entitled people who expects her bf to spend thousands on her- AT ALL. But he is the sort who will ask me to pay him back even £5 and he has never bought me anything (except chocolates on my birthday and an occasional pack of crisps)
5. He isn't very encouraging of my work. Now to be clear, he isn't a chauvinist who expects me to stay home and cook (in fact he does all the cooking), but at the same time due to his general negative attitude he's always telling me I won't get the promotion or the project.

Basically, I don't think I've ever gotten a well done on anything from him.

1. This is a big one- he's into some risky investments (that aren't even allowed in his profession) and it really really bothers me.

Since we are a couple and if we look at a future together how can I be with someone who is usually a miser and then gambles his life savings and reputation and job away? It doesn't make sense and when I told I could t live with it, he said he couldn't stop for at least a year.

1. We don't agree on how much to spend on rent and it's going to be impossible to find a place together.
2. He lives at mine but never cleans anything other than kitchen(because he's the one who mainly uses) and doesn't help pay the bills.
3. While he always looks after me when I'm sick, he doesn't offer to come for doctor's appointments etc unless I insist. Recently I had some traumatic medical procedures for which I went alone, and I felt very unsupported then.

I have seen some positive changes in him in terms of going out and doing things that make me happy- but very little.

His risky investments can potentially damage my reputation at work too if they come out and that causes me a lot of anxiety ( I won't give details here)

I do love him, but my friends are sick of me because I'm always unhappy and moaning about something or another.

This results in me nagging him constantly and us fighting.

I don't know what to do.

My background is very complicated. I have nobody except my Mum and she lives in another continent.

I've been alone here for six years and the idea of being alone again isn't appealing

As pathetic as it sounds, I liked the idea of someone other than my mum being there for me.

I'm damned if I leave and damned if I don't/

What should I do?

You may feel sorry for him, or guilty or responsible for him - away from him for a while, you'll probably see it's not love

If you are his friend, OP, the best thing you could have done for him is what you did, kicking him out and giving him a bucket of cold water reminder that, ultimately, he's responsible for himself, and that you have higher standards than lodging someone who is miserly, negative, unsupportive and financially irresponsible - and whose best characteristic is that he's too cheap/lazy to be unfaithful, and that you think anything is better than being alone?

Are you always such a Florence Nightingale in relationships?

Do you actually want him to move back in again, and return to a life where you never go out anywhere because it costs money he would rather spend on illegal financial transactions, he's negative about your work and about life in general, and lives at your house for free without cleaning or contributing to bills? Are you so sorry for him that you're prepared to dedicate your life to that?

I think your 'love' for him is so utterly unhealthy and so mingled with guilt, misplaced responsibility and pity that you should step away for an extended period and not contact him so you can recalibrate your sense of 'normal'. Listen to your friends. Be around positive people. Have a good time.

Re read all of your posts and you can not fail to see that he is a bad person.You should go back to therapy (alone) and try to find out why you are such a bad judge of character that you think that this person is your best friend.Good luck.I'm out.

You are settling. No one should settle instead of trying to find happiness (and that can be as a single person or in a loving relationship)

You need to end it and go no contact otherwise he is going to manipulate you into letting his feet back under your table within the week! You really need to wise up fast.

Well, the thing is, he'd started changing.

We had started going out (OK, so even though he asked me to pay him back for one of the outings), and he had even agreed to a romantic weekend somewhere in Europe.

Last weekend, I asked him to clean the flat and he did without complaining- I guess he just needed that push, as many men do, where it doesn't strike him to do things unless asked.

And how long would this 'new, improved' him last? Just long enough for you to stop 'nagging'? Then he could quietly slip back into his miserly misery, and drag you down too

Last weekend, I asked him to clean the flat and he did without complaining- I guess he just needed that push, as many men do, where it doesn't strike him to do things unless asked

Consuela, the thing that screams out from so many of your posts is both your chronic lack of self-esteem and the fact that you seem to want to be talked back into letting this unappealing, miserly, self-pitying man back into your life!

If him cleaning your shared flat - once! when asked! a flat where he lives for free! - 'without complaining', an outing where he asked you to 'pay him back' afterwards, and the verbal agreement to a weekend away (all things normal people do without it having to be some Big Concession) is enough for you, why did you post in the first place?

You know perfectly well you are settling for this heap of miserly misery, but you seem unwilling to go to the effort of actually ending the relationship, having counselling to work on your self-esteem issues, and possibly looking for a boyfriend who's, you know, really into you. Who takes you out and enjoys it, who suggests and books weekends away and holidays, who, bigs up your professional achievements, who contributes to bills, who brings some positivity into your life!

FFS ! Definitely out now.

why post threads asking for advice if you are going to just turn round and say he has miraculously changed. Who are you trying to convince? Surely what he does in the future is irrelevant because he has treated you like utter crap until now.

Camille- wondering if you've read the thread fully? I've ended the relationship and he's moved out. But like I said, he was my friend for years so while he is no longer my boyfriend I don't want to cut him out of my life entirely, he can still remain a friend. Maybe not right now, but in a while when we are over the break up. And you can disagree with this that's fine- in the end you are all strangers on the Internet, and nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Perhaps some of you would be less harsh if you knew me and him in real life, I don't know.

I was well aware I deserve better treatment and have hence ended the relationship.

But that doesn't change the fact that it's a period of adjustment that isn't easy for me.

I've read the whole thread. You did the right thing in ending things. It just sounds as if you are regretting getting him to move out and risk getting sucked back into a relationship that sounded fairly poor. Great if you can be friends again, though, honestly, that very seldom seems to work - just set some boundaries. Good luck.

Well, yes I do regret the way things turned out and I can't help it.

I do miss him- the simple things, laughing at silly jokes, our usual time on the weekends listening to our favourite songs, going shopping together, eating together.

My friends aren't really friends, I live by myself and I am utterly, utterly alone.

You are bound to have a period of feeling very alone and mourning the good bits of the relationship - and most likely magnifying them. Everyone does that. And it is hard. But it doesn't mean that ending it was wrong. It is just a time to be got through.
You can now reach out to friends, even if they are not local, reach out to your mum, and on here. You can begin to feel the possibilities of your new freedom. Try a few activities that you would never have done while in that relationship. Treat yourself.
You have taken a brave, positive step - just don't get sucked into a fantasy of how it was or could be.
Have you made arrangements for your mum to stay? Take small steps to look after yourself and be with good company eg your mum.

To be honest, it was a choice for me between my career and relationship.

I couldn't take the risk of ruining my reputation.

I could still put up with or try and work on the rest.

But anyway, I hate being alone and I miss him terribly.

If you minimise how awful much of his behaviour and the relationship was, (as it sounds like you are doing) then you are likely to end up back with him. Is that really how you want your future to be?
Alternatively, read through your posts here when you were with him. And the excellent well-meant responses you've had. And then do something unrelated to him.
Missing him does not mean he is someone you can be happy with.

And it will pass.
Have you made any progress setting up the workplace counselling? This could be an ideal time to look at why you've become so isolated that this man seems like the only answer. Things could really open out for you from here.

AuntyElle says wise things. The fact that you're lonely is no reason to get back with this man. Think of it as like giving up smoking or some other bad habit - difficult initially, but the rewards eventually more than outweigh the effort. It sounds as if you should be concentrating on opening up your life in other directions, and developing a better friendship network, and doing all the things that sharing your life with a negative miser was hampering. Treat yourself. Travel. Blow some money. And maybe the friends you say are sick of you moaning about your ex will step up now you've finally ditched him and are ready to move on. If not, find some new ones.

You could speak to him about these things and tell him how you feel. It might be that some of the things he doesn't realise, like accompanying you to doctor's appointments.

Having said that, I do think that you will find someone else you can be yourself with, can confide in, won't cheat on you, will accept that you don't want children and will understand your mental health issues.

Lockedoutofmn have you read the whole thread?

Msconsuela - i think you need to ask yourself the question. Can i find a man that has those positive attributes and none of most of those negatives. If your answer is "No" and you truly believe that, then i think you have highlighted the problem here. You could probably do with talking to a professional about this.

The majority of women (young, old, fat, skinny, want kids/dont want kids) hold out for someone that they love, respect and fancy and that loves, respects and fancy them back. And they find it cause they don't waste months/years with men that are unsuitable. Your are only damaging your own chances by staying with this man.

AuntyElle Yes.

It is entirely your decision, OP. But meanwhile you should throw yourself into activity. A friend of mine had to break with a man she loved but who was not good for her and she took up dancing and swimming. It is good under these circumstances to expend a lot of physical energy and do things that get you out and about and not just going home to an empty flat.

Unfortunately I'm not well enough to do a lot of oheavy physical activity.

And I prefer some distance from my friends who I feel have been very judgemental and mean to me recently

But I'm trying to cope