AIBU to ask you if staying with this man is a mistake?

[MsConsuela]

Please be patient and read to the end if you can!

Pros-

1. One of the two people in the world I can really be myself with
2. My best friend since years- I tell

him everything, he's my confidante apart from my mum.

1. I trust that he won't cheat- this is big for me, because my ex cheated and all the men in my family cheated, so that insecurity never left me. I value the open line of communication we have and how honest and patient he is with me.
2. I don't want children and it's impossible to find men my age who don't want them either. He's ok with not having them and he never pressures me on this
3. I have anxiety and temper issues- he's very patent and understanding with it.

CONS

1. He is an absolute miser. Doesn't spend on anything other than bare essentials.
2. He has taken me out one exactly ONE date since we have been together.
3. Because he is such a miser we barely go anywhere- he never eats out or goes to the cinema and this makes for a rather boring life.
4. I am not one of those entitled people who expects her bf to spend thousands on her- AT ALL. But he is the sort who will ask me to pay him back even £5 and he has never bought me anything (except chocolates on my birthday and an occasional pack of crisps)
5. He isn't very encouraging of my work. Now to be clear, he isn't a chauvinist who expects me to stay home and cook (in fact he does all the cooking), but at the same time due to his general negative attitude he's always telling me I won't get the promotion or the project.

Basically, I don't think I've ever gotten a well done on anything from him.

1. This is a big one- he's into some risky investments (that aren't even allowed in his profession) and it really really bothers me.

Since we are a couple and if we look at a future together how can I be with someone who is usually a miser and then gambles his life savings and reputation and job away? It doesn't make sense and when I told I could t live with it, he said he couldn't stop for at least a year.

1. We don't agree on how much to spend on rent and it's going to be impossible to find a place together.
2. He lives at mine but never cleans anything other than kitchen(because he's the one who mainly uses) and doesn't help pay the bills.
3. While he always looks after me when I'm sick, he doesn't offer to come for doctor's appointments etc unless I insist. Recently I had some traumatic medical procedures for which I went alone, and I felt very unsupported then.

I have seen some positive changes in him in terms of going out and doing things that make me happy- but very little.

His risky investments can potentially damage my reputation at work too if they come out and that causes me a lot of anxiety ( I won't give details here)

I do love him, but my friends are sick of me because I'm always unhappy and moaning about something or another.

This results in me nagging him constantly and us fighting.

I don't know what to do.

My background is very complicated. I have nobody except my Mum and she lives in another continent.

I've been alone here for six years and the idea of being alone again isn't appealing

As pathetic as it sounds, I liked the idea of someone other than my mum being there for me.

I'm damned if I leave and damned if I don't/

What should I do?

I will - I am looking into it already.

I've always considered myself a strong person, a feminist.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me this year, why I am being such a pushover

Another thing

I don't think he has ever really apologised.

When I brought up how we don't spend time together and do things together, he did eventually agree witn me and he said that he would make amends (which to be fair he really has). He got me some chocolates (nothing expensive, but it's the gesture that counts) and we ordered in pizza.

But for example after the conversation where he didn't deny that money is the most important thing to him, and said that if his behaviour is making me ill, I should just leave. He never apologises. Ever.

He just doesn't. Never says- I am sorry you're hurt, even if I can't change it I can do X to make it better for you

More negatives.
Not surprised.
Keep with your plan and don't him back!

In your OP you said your friends are sick of you, have you worked out why that is ?

He is making you miserable. This is really sad. Why don't you concentrate on having fun with your friends.
I don't think he even likes you.

Well, he does like me- he just doesn't like anyone as much as himself. Or enough to spend £1

He pursued me insanely for 2 years. It was the worst kept secret around our circle that he was obsessed with me.

Well the good friends have stood by me but unfortunately they are not living anywhere near me.

The friends in the same city are horribly judgemental and unsupportive.

For example, when his ex wanted to move back into his flat for a few weeks I said no way should he be there- I was fine with her saying there but we decided he would move to mine. And my friends told me I was being horrible to her

I don't see how I was

They've also told me I deserve what's happening because I don't just leave

I think they think this is all very simple and they just blame me for everything wrong in my life

But then these are the friends who haven't even messaged regularly to ask how I am or to enquire about my health.

Sigh

And yet he is still living with you, you are not even worth £1 in his eyes

Here
I don't even know you - but he never gave you that much

Thank you red shoe

For you as well

He has set things he'll get me- like a muffin or the crisps he knows I like, and he gets them from Aldi on the weekend when when he goes shopping for himself.

And if we are out drinking with colleagues then he might buy me a drink but I think that's more to show them

You need to get out and about and find better local friends, OP, too. Getting rid of this man will give you more of an opportunity for a social life.

I was active on Bumble and going on dates before I got together with him

But I hadn't liked any of those guys ...

You are young.
You have to kiss A LOT of frogs before you find your prince.
You'll find him when the time is right!

if he is such a miser then why is he still paying mortgage/rent for his own flat/lovenest/whatever while living with you?

What is he supposed to do?
NOT pay his own rent or mortgage?
Of course he has to keep paying it.
It's his.
That's an odd thing to ask!?

I felt discouraged after 26 years of searching I couldn't find anyone that I clicked with. And then he showed up and he wasn't that bad and I was just tired of waiting.

Bad decision.

And btw- he cannot end his lease before December so he has to pay rent there. Anyway, I refused to put him on my lease this early and he thinks my flat is too expensive...

he wasn't that bad

everything you post about him seems to be a struggle eg out on dates etc, you're worried about real things yet brush them away really. You make excuses for him, his life etc. You accept every little crumb he throws your way (the muffins etc).

When I met someone like this (or other people) but one man I'll give as an example, hated his mum, boss etc - worked but drank a lot and smoked weed (big things in your mind!) I ran for the hills. And this was after a few dates. A few months later he got back in touch with me, had a better mindset re his job but still the same person, again, I got rid.

This man will not change or it will always be a struggle, decide what you want.

I didn't expect him to pay half my rent when he was still paying all of his- it's not feasible for anyone to do that really.

But yes he should 100% still pay bills- he's not paying bills at his flat since he's not using anything there, so it isn't even a double expense.

I once lived at a friend's place for like 5 days, I still paid something towards the bills!!

What he has been after my life to do is to end my lease and move to his place with him (obviously because it's very cheap)

But I categorically refused. His place is tiny and really old. It's always freezing and there are issues with hot water. And it's much further away from work. I'd rather pay a little extra and be comfortable! Especially since I am lucky enough that I can afford to pay.

I felt discouraged after 26 years of searching I couldn't find anyone that I clicked with. And then he showed up and he wasn't that bad and I was just tired of waiting.

That's the crux. He IS that bad, absolutely. No one is 100% bad, but he has very few good points, and you seem to have crushingly low expectations. Most men absolutely would take time off to come to the doctors with you, or make sure there was food you'd want to eat on days out, and act lovingly. They'd also buy you things to make you happy (within their budget), and treat you well, and help with chores at home because you're sick.

He doesn't act like he loves you. Maybe he does, and this is the best he can do, but it's not good enough. It's just not. He's open about how crap he's treating you. He's also risking your career, however much you don't want him to be.

And just to settle the deprived families debate - I had one. We didn't even have toothbrushes until I was 16 and social services bought me one. I have been there. It has meant that, as an adult, I have some weird traits - I panic a bit if we're running out of food, for example - but it also means that I value money highly and I like to spend the money I earn on other people, I like to make them happy. It's the same for a great many people who grew up like we did. He's just stingy, it's not because of his childhood.

I have anxiety too, sometimes crippling, and I'm around the same age as you. Bail on this. Rip the plaster off. I know it feels like you need to do it slowly, but that's your mind trying to keep options open incase you change your mind. You need to rip the plaster off. Ask him to leave again, tell him it's over, block his number. Do it all together. You'll find without him wearing on your mind, you're probably a lot less mentally exhausted. There will always be people here to keep you strong, too.

He sounds like some kind of punishment and you've definitely done your time.

Oh op, you value yourself so little that you are prepared to put up with this. It isn't a relationship at all. There is no respect for you and your feelings.

You can feel sorry for him without sacrificing yourself in the process.

You are young. You can set yourself free to find real happiness or you can settle for this half life. Imagine yourself 20 years down the line. You are in the relative honeymoon period now, where people try extra hard. He'll get worse over the years.

I know you want to do it gradually, but I don't think that's really possible. Either it's completely over or it's not. You can't start moving on when there is unfinished business. Rip that sticking plaster off completely.

If you don't respect yourself then no one else will. Don't accept any treatment from others that you wouldn't dish out yourself.

Be strong.

Monday I had given him an ultimatum- if money is so much more important to you, then it's over. If you won't stop being dodgy and if you won't stop quibbling over £2, then it means you put money ahead of me and I won't accept that anymore.

Obviously he denied he did that by saying they were "two separate things"

And he told me to try and not stress

He also said he hated coming home to this "unpleasantness" after such a hard day at work.

I know his job is hard but really?! The unpleasantness is his own fault.

Then he told me how he had actually changed because the other day we ordered pizza and he took me out to Sea world (for which he asked me to pay him back...)

And since then I haven't spoken to him, unless he has asked me something. I just don't think there's anything to say?

Here's what makes me furious- HE IS IGNORING ME.

He asked me why I wasn't talking and I told him it's because of the way he behaved the other day.

No apology nothing.

He is just totally ignoring me now while living in my flat....

Just tell him to move out tonight. It's not as if he has to find somewhere to stay.
You are enabling him to treat you this way by putting up with whatever he throws at you. Tell him to leave tonight.

Don't let him in.
Easy to do surely?
Tell him to feck off back to his flat and not to darken your doorstep again
Why the hell would you have someone in your home if they are ignoring you.
Fuck that OP.
Man up!!! (or Woman UP!)

Leave him. Arrange counselling for yourself. Join groups that refelct your hobbies and interests. Build a social life.

Personally I would have his bags waiting for him when he came home

if he living in your house then he should be contributing to rent and bills. End of.

Would you take in a lodger who didn't pay? No. Then why accept it from him?