AIBU to ask you if staying with this man is a mistake?

[MsConsuela]

Please be patient and read to the end if you can!

Pros-

1. One of the two people in the world I can really be myself with
2. My best friend since years- I tell

him everything, he's my confidante apart from my mum.

1. I trust that he won't cheat- this is big for me, because my ex cheated and all the men in my family cheated, so that insecurity never left me. I value the open line of communication we have and how honest and patient he is with me.
2. I don't want children and it's impossible to find men my age who don't want them either. He's ok with not having them and he never pressures me on this
3. I have anxiety and temper issues- he's very patent and understanding with it.

CONS

1. He is an absolute miser. Doesn't spend on anything other than bare essentials.
2. He has taken me out one exactly ONE date since we have been together.
3. Because he is such a miser we barely go anywhere- he never eats out or goes to the cinema and this makes for a rather boring life.
4. I am not one of those entitled people who expects her bf to spend thousands on her- AT ALL. But he is the sort who will ask me to pay him back even £5 and he has never bought me anything (except chocolates on my birthday and an occasional pack of crisps)
5. He isn't very encouraging of my work. Now to be clear, he isn't a chauvinist who expects me to stay home and cook (in fact he does all the cooking), but at the same time due to his general negative attitude he's always telling me I won't get the promotion or the project.

Basically, I don't think I've ever gotten a well done on anything from him.

1. This is a big one- he's into some risky investments (that aren't even allowed in his profession) and it really really bothers me.

Since we are a couple and if we look at a future together how can I be with someone who is usually a miser and then gambles his life savings and reputation and job away? It doesn't make sense and when I told I could t live with it, he said he couldn't stop for at least a year.

1. We don't agree on how much to spend on rent and it's going to be impossible to find a place together.
2. He lives at mine but never cleans anything other than kitchen(because he's the one who mainly uses) and doesn't help pay the bills.
3. While he always looks after me when I'm sick, he doesn't offer to come for doctor's appointments etc unless I insist. Recently I had some traumatic medical procedures for which I went alone, and I felt very unsupported then.

I have seen some positive changes in him in terms of going out and doing things that make me happy- but very little.

His risky investments can potentially damage my reputation at work too if they come out and that causes me a lot of anxiety ( I won't give details here)

I do love him, but my friends are sick of me because I'm always unhappy and moaning about something or another.

This results in me nagging him constantly and us fighting.

I don't know what to do.

My background is very complicated. I have nobody except my Mum and she lives in another continent.

I've been alone here for six years and the idea of being alone again isn't appealing

As pathetic as it sounds, I liked the idea of someone other than my mum being there for me.

I'm damned if I leave and damned if I don't/

What should I do?

How much stuff does he have at yours?
If he doesn't get it by Monday then donate it all the charity

Hahahah

He has quite a bit of stuff.

So it'll be Monday by the time he's gone.

He's been on his best behaviour since I told him

Cleaned the whole flat, bought my groceries and started crying while telling me he loves me

He's still gonna have to move out though, I need the distance

Enjoy the sex. Don't involve yourself emotionally. Find someone else.

Arf - he isn't moving out. He will wine her and dine her - so that's half a lager and a packet of crisps, and she will be happy again.
well for another 6 months, then she will start another thread moaning about this wanker

and that's why her friends have run out of sympathy they've heard it all before

redshoe - I think the same!

Having said that there's a friend of mine who's with a total tosser - he's cheated on her countless times, called her names, been emotionally unavailable, is NOTHING to look at - but what's on her FB page now?! her undying love for the tosser!!!

He's packed everything. He's moving it all back tomorrow.

OP - ok so he's moving out but WHY haven't you told him it's over? because it is really isn't it??

And believe me I know about holding onto people, wanting someone to change etc but its all an uphill struggle.

Redshoe- I'd rather keep this thread polite : but is appreciate if you didn't jump to conclusions.

Thanks

SuperFly- have explained that earlier in the thread

I wasn't rude. It was you that said he wouldn't spend £1 on you.
And if you want him out you'd have asked him to take his stuff out tonight.
You could actually go out tonight and have fun, like normal people do, but that won't happen.

You're not rude but you're being unhelpful and almost deliberately mean and presumptuous.

I'm out for dinner with a colleague if you must know.

Please try not to assume the worst of me

I've read now 5 pages into your thread (don't need to read more) - so it's a trail separation, he's made you ill, yet he makes you anxious re the thought of ending it.

Again you're making excuses for this man who has goaded it by saying 'end it why don't you?' (I think when he made you ill) - those aren't the words of someone who cares for you, they're the words of a manipulative, cold man.

He knows EXACTLY the effect his stories of hardship have on you - in fact he's probably trotted them out lots of times before but other women have got wise to him and the stories. Adult normal people don't use manipulative stories that guilt trip a partner.

I can't remember if I posted this - but I was best friends with a man for 7 years, dated him at his request for 3 months - it lasted that long - totally different once in a relationship but he guilt tripped me re his life, and other details I won't go into here but I realised this was stuff he'd either kept hidden or something whilst we were friends.

Anyway it's your relationship not mine.

It's good that he's moving out.

Hope you had a nice evening.
And fingers crossed he goes today.
Stay strong.

He moved out and I feel horrible.

I know I only said the bad things about him- but he isn't a bad person and there are many things he does for me that don't involve money, but that nobody else would do.

In the end, he's my friend and I do love him.

I've been horrible to him for a few weeks- snappy, not hugging or kissing him, just withdrawn. And he cried today and told me how unwanted he felt. I didn't want him to cry or feel hurt.

Somehow him moving out just doesn't feel right.

My friends say they're sick of me because I never have good news, so they avoid me. If I'm sick, have job issues and relationship issues, what can I do? I would like to think that friends are supposed to be there for me, to support me and not avoid me when I need them most.

Watching him pack and move out was horrible. Despite everything, I don't think he's a bad guy who deserves to be hurt.

He reached his flat and messaged me to say he had walked there and he was tired and sweaty and exhausted. And that he had a letter in the post possibly about his residence permit that he couldn't see until next week because the post office is closed. So he said he feels horrific and he'll never forget this day until the day he dies.

Then he switched off his phone so now I couldnt even message him back or call to see if he's ok.

He said he was moving out just to make me happy even though it will make him miserable.

But I'm trying to move on.

I'm trying to arrange a holiday for myself and to go visit my mum.
I'm trying to do other things to make myself happy.

My friend told me I have a tendency to get paranoid- the dodgy stuff he's doing will never come to light and that I always worry for nothing (referring to my anxiety)

He said I'd be happier if I didn't have to see his face all day.

But he'd be miserable and miss me.

So he said he's going to move out just to make me happy....

Bloody hell he's fond of a bit of guilt tripping isn't he?

I'm surprised he didn't clutch his heart dramatically.

And it's working a treat on you.

OP - and I say this out of genuine concern - he's a self-pitying miser, who plays the 'poor me' card in order to get at you where you are vulnerable.

No one is saying he's a bad guy - he's just not your job to fix. You wouldn't have asked him to leave if it hadn't been such an exploitative, mean miseryguts. You had made it clear you didn't want to go on like that. He just chose not to act in such a way that would have made you happy to have him stay. His dodgy financial dealings are a complete red herring - he's a crappy boyfriend who was making you miserable.

And he's very, very good at pushing your buttons because you are, frankly, a bit of a sap - how unattractive and shriekingly needy is it that a man you've just asked to move out (of your house where he lives for free) messages you the second he's gone to tell you all about how sweaty and exhausted the trip to his own flat made him??? No wonder your friends are tired of hearing you make excuses for him - I'm tired of it, and I'm a stranger clicking on an internet thread. If he's miserable, it's his own doing, and it's his job to fix it. You're not a human bandage.

Yy, Elspeth - he's the exact equivalent of the manipulative grandmother who clutches her chest and has a 'heart attack' needing an A and E visit every time she doesn't get her own way.

OP, why are you not finding his naked self-pity and self-obsession repulsive, rather than guilt-inducing?

OP, I do think you need to find some new friends, though at the same time, maybe you could cultivate a more positive outlook on life. Friends are also for having fun with and sometimes they will need your support to.

I don't know why I'm not repulsed.

I guess because I still love him.

Well be happy - live happily, doing what you want, the way you want to without this grey dead weight dragging you down

What is there to love, seriously, is there not a cloud permanently above him like the Adam's family?

One can't always explain why we love someone.

I love him because I do. I wish I didn't, but I do. I do care for him as well and don't want to see him upset.

I guess I'm stupid for feeling like this, but these things aren't easy.

He isn't a bad person and he's still my best friend.