To feel this way about my daughter?

[emmamaw]

I'm sitting here crying like a baby over my 11yo dd. I struggle to say dd - as in dear daughter. We've never really been close. Shes the eldest of 3 and often says she wishes she'd stayed an only child. She hates her younger brother (8) and often loses patience and snaps at her baby sister (3). I think she hates me too. The way she speaks to us all is dreadful. I know children are self-centered but she really has no care or consideration for anyone in this house. Every day I wake up dreading what mood shes going to be in. All she cares about is going on the phone/tablet/pc to talk to her best friend and watch videos. I know thats probably pretty normal but if anything gets in the way of that the whole household suffers. If she doesnt want to go somewhere she will purposefully ruin the whole day. We sometimes have to leave her behind when we do day trips etc. just so that the other dc dont miss out. Its like she hates the world around her and wants everyone to know it. Shes always saying she wishes she could go and live with her best friends family, and I truly believe she means it.
This morning I said we would go to town after school, just the two of us, to buy her holiday clothes, as she says she hates what I buy for her and really kicks off if I make her wear them. She shrugged her shoulders and said 'whatever'. Then i found some new underwear I'd bought her hidden behind her bed. When i asked her about it she looked me straight in the eye, and with utter contempt said 'i dont want to wear anything you buy me, and i dont want to go anywhere with you, ever!' I just saw red and smacked her. It scares me sometimes the hate that boils up inside me. I just feel so wretched over her. Shes been like this for years and weve tried everything we can think of. I have great relationships with my partner and other two dcs. I just feel like she ruins everything. She hates me and nothing i do seems to change that. I dread coming home from work and often stay late because I know there'll be trouble as soon as i walk in. I cant live like this for the next seven or whatever years.
How do you learn to live with someone who hates you?

Would she prefer short hair? Odd to pick up on that point, I know, but the choices aren't just long matted hair or you brushing it because you deem it inappropriate.

You seem to think that it is your way or her way not that you could come up with mutually beneficial ways or compromises. Like other posters I find it difficult to hear how you speak about her and her behaviour. She is 11 years old, clearly unhappy and confused about things with a mother who doesn't like her.

How does your partner react to her or treat her? Does he back you up? How is their relationship?

OP you have clearly failed your DCs. I think you need professional help from social services as the situation might escalate and the elders may have school and social deprivation issues.

Okay so there's a better picture re the hair brushing and the being left alone - but nothing about where her dad is or why you think her own taste in clothes can't be trusted or what you think of the posters desperately urging you to get professional help. I'm assuming you already acknowledge that hitting her was wrong.

You say 'It scares me sometimes the hate that boils up inside me.' then ask for help learning to live with someone who hates you - you honestly think your daughter isn't trying to figure out how to live with someone who hates her too?

The behaviour on both sides sounds pretty dysfunctional ( I'm not one of those people who thinks kids are all desperately misunderstood angels with no clue about what manipulative and unreasonable little shits they are being sometimes). It sounds like it needs urgent professional intervention to get to the point where co-existence, respect and discipline are even going to be possible.

I've had years of this with my teen Ds. He's the middle child with sisters on either side. The girls and I are very mellow but he is exceptionally volatile and has made all of our lives very difficult. I would echo what a pp said; your girl is testing your love, she needs to know that your love is unconditional, no matter how she kicks off. The mantra that I repeat to my son ( often in tears ) is 'There is absolutely nothing that you can do or say that will stop me from loving you'. I know it's hard but that's the bottom line for children I think.

oh man, this is so hard, I would say GET SOME HELP, invest some time and money into trying to fix this- as it wont fix itself

my elder son, well he has his moments too. I am sometimes scared he could turn into this.

GOOD LUCK

GeordieBadgers, have you posted on the right thread?

OP, I have the male version of your DD in my 11 year old DS. I just drafted a long response, but deleted it as I didn't want to hijack your thread. I just want you to know that you're not alone.

I'm not going to offer sympathy - you hit an 11 year old. No matter where you are on smacking that is hugely inappropriate for a pre teen and humiliating and you got there from a backhand comment while she was on the defensive after you searched through her possessions. You need professional help in learning to control reactions and model the relationship you want - you can't tell her to treat you with respect and then physically assault her.

Yikes.

Sounds like she is seriously unhappy.

Is she like that with other adults, like your partner or teachers?

I think she oculd do with some outside help.

She sounds like my DS1, we tried family therapy at 11, he refused to engage so it wasn't very successful for him ( helped us a bit). 11/12 was the absolute worse, he improved gradually, as long as he wasn't under too much pressure.
He is almost 18 now and we all get on much better although he will never be easy, he definitely doesn't hate us now.
I suspect he has a degree of pathological demand avoidance ( look it up) and may also be mildly autistic ( one of his brothers is autistic so I know what I am talking about).
This does not sound like an issue caused by parenting to me, more like a child reacting defensively to a feeling of pressure and unhappiness that she can't articulate even to herself, probably caused by a mixture of developmental issues, personality type and environment ( my Ds1 is also oldest of three and at times I have thought he would have been happier as an only but in the long term having siblings has been good for him).
Don't sweat the small stuff, very firm boundaries on screen time, chin - up, give yourself a break, you won't always feel so angry with her.

Oh and I smacked DS1 a few times, I even told the family therapist this and they did not judge so I suspect it is far from unusual amongst parents at the end of their tether.

Don't defend hitting kids. Your therapist was not validating your actions, they are just non-judgemental by default. You wouldn't agree with a man hitting his wife because he was frustrated (I assume?). Just because you give birth to a child, it does not mean that you own their body and can assault it on a whim.

I remember how unloved I felt when I realised that only my mum, out of my entire group of friends, hit me regularly when she was angry. She would have called it "smacking" too. I remember her getting red in the face, spit flying out of her mouth, threatening me, saying awful things to me, then "smacking" me.

I would never do that to my children. Ever. I am glad that we have mostly moved on from times where we thought that was acceptable behaviour. I am perturbed that OP has been avoiding discussing anything difficult in her replies.

So, are you going to seek outside help?

"I am perturbed that OP has been avoiding discussing anything difficult in her replies." Yes, me too.

I think you've been given a lot of great advice on this thread OP. My children are younger so I won't try to 'help', except to say this and I am very sorry if it makes things worse: Hitting a child of eleven is a serious thing to do (or of any age really but the older they are the more relationally damaging it seems to be). You don't know how unsafe, hurt or angry your DD feels in response to that. Even if nothing else had happened, she needs to access therapy (and so do you) to mitigate the consequences of that - I do speak from personal experience as the child involved.

It will get better.

My DD was quite emotional/hormonal in her early teens.

She is now almost 18 and is calm, happy, balanced. It's as if she just woke up one day, and all the angst was gone - she was finally an adult.

Until then, I can only suggest string boundaries. No biting of your lip. That's shying away from being a parent. If she's naughty, there must be harsh consequences.

I am not defending smacking kids, I am very ashamed of having smacked DS1 and I have told him that at the time and afterwards. I don't think anyone who admits to snapping after years of stress is guilty of " assaulting on a whim".

• strong boundaries

If you hit her then I'm not surprised she doesn't respect or like you.

Arrgh. Just typed a long post and lost it. Can't face doing it again.

Nutshell: anyone who can't understand how someone might snap under stress has likely never had to deal with anything on this scale. Or they are.superhuman, in which case, hats off, but the rest of us do not compare.

I once punched a hole in a door to avoid hitting DD. Then I cried and cried and cried

And then I realised - the way I felt just then - what if she feels like that all the time?

From then on, act with that premise in mind. It can help. Pointing out you understand how she feels when she blows - after all, didn't you blow that one time and did a bloody stupid thing? - can actually help you find common ground.

And she doesn't hate you - she likely hates herself, so all the more reason to love her all ypu can, because right now, you are probably the only one who can.

If you want to know more, ask.

You punched a door (injuring yourself, or risking it) to avoid striking your daughter. OP deliberately hit her own child as she was overcome with hatred for her and saw red.

This is serious, OP needs to get help. People snap under difficult circumstances but this is a case of an adult losing their temper and physically taking it out on an eleven year old.

I just saw red and smacked her. It scares me sometimes the hate that boils up inside me.

You had my sympathy up to this point.

You are the problem- not her.

I think some responses are very harsh. I was like how you describe your daughter at around 12-16. I pushed my mum to her absolute breaking point, and on a couple of occasions she snapped and hit me. Do I blame her for it now? Of course not. Was she the problem? Of course not. I was absolutely vile and now as an adult I feel utterly ashamed. We talk and laugh about it now but it still makes me feel awful when I think how terribly I treated my mum.

I can only explain it in terms of hormones. I had no other reason to behave in that way, and I grew out of it. Some responses are OTT.

very hormonal age-i used to delibrately say things on purpose to upset my parents until they smaked me then id make them feel bad

just ignore hte bad behaviour but praise her more often when shes good

also picking her clothes is no no who want their parents taste anyway?