To ask my husband not to drink around me while pregnant?

[dellacucina]

Or to only drink the 1 unit I am allowed? It makes me feel extremely isolated and resentful to be alone in this, on top of all of the other crap things about being pregnant. Plus I am only doing this because he wants children.

We have gone to loads of weddings lately and he drinks lots and lots of nice things while I watch.

At home, he will grab a beer and go to the other room, saying it is not in front of me.

At the same time, he has told me that the restrictions I have to deal with are not that bad and I should just deal.

Is this an unreasonable request? I have not asked him to stop altogether, just in my presence.

What worries me with your post is that if you feel like your missing out now ( and begrudged ) wait till the baby comes !! Pregnancy is nothing compared to the hard work a baby brings.

Do not speak to your. Midwife about alcohol dependence or depression on the back of this thread
Op you sound too sensible to do that but you know whether you have a medical problem with either. Dong let people who don't know you convince you you do

*dont let people who don't know you convince you you do

OK, I think it is time for me to take this thread elsewhere per advice that has been offered. Thanks very much to all who offered helpful advice and support! This has definitely given me a lot to think about and I def will consider trying more ways to get my DH to feel more engaged and empathetic. I may also try to get some counseling to help me deal better with all of the changes I am going through.

I will say one thing that strikes me about the responses is that people are so incredibly mean and presumptuous about concerns re pregnancy/feelings about having a baby. Having to deal with judgmental, helicopter-parent mums is one of my biggest fears about motherhood in general, so that has not been especially reassuring . . .

But LouBlue, the point is, OP shouldn't have to ask her DP to give up something (she hasn't), she's just asking him to support her and respect her wishes by not having a drink in front of her. It's just common courtesy and respect - like the PP who said you wouldn't stuff your face with donuts in front of someone you know is dieting.

OP

Why should he not enjoy a beer on the couch whilst watching TV? Should he also sleep in a separate bed so she doesn't have to see him sleep?
If you can't deal with it then there's a problem somewhere...

One more message in reply to Dontyoulovecalpol : haha, I won't. I think my MW would be quite confused if I said I need help, then explained I drink 100 mL very occasionally with food (so I don't get drunk), and have no problem stopping myself from having more.

Lol

OhNo
In all seriousness, please consider the future of this child: you could give the gift of a baby to a childless couple who would treasure it and love it and nurture it in a way that you never will.

⬆ This is you not judging the OP? Really
Every woman has a different experience in pregnancy, it does not automatically mean the OP will not love her child when he/she is born. The OP had stated that her pregnancy was sudden after stopping BC. Stop to think a bit. She's probably not fully prepared for it to happen so quickly. Maybe even in shock. Antenatal depression is very real and very debilitating. She is seeking reassurance not judgemental bile & suggestions that she just gives her baby away like an unwanted item. I stand by what I said. You should be fucking ashamed or are you in the habit of spouting shite to possibly depressed people seeking reassurance? In all my years on here I have rarely come across a statement so utterly heartless.

Just to clarify, in light of Dontyoulovecalpol's post, with which I agree, I just thought it might be worth asking your midwife if she thought you might have antenatal depression as she might be able to help. I wasn't talking about the alcohol. I drank moderately during my pregnancy, similarly to you, but it pisses me off that I can't generally admit that because some people look at you as if you're the most irresponsible mother that ever lived!

I completely agree with ohno so many women "go along" with an unplanned pregnancy and end up being miserable mothers. Seen it so many times.

She wasn't seeking reassurance Glasgow she was whining about her DH drinking and her "deprivation" ffs. Your post to notmybaby is OTT and far more judgemental.

Again, I really feel there should be a warning at the top of this board for people to go to Chat if they are feeling vulnerable or sensitive. Many people don't realize they will be in line for a verbal kicking here until they are in the middle of it

In subsequent posts Etta the OP has stated that maybe she doesn't feel supported by her DH. She doesn't mind him drinking but had asked he doesn't do it openly to excess in front of her, nor dismiss her feelings so easily. She is struggling & needs support. Suggesting she gives her baby away to a childless couple to treasure, love and nurture because she can't is OTT and judgemental and it's heartless.

Wow, big deal you don't stop him eating steak!! Then why ask him to stop drinking? Mine's on nightshifts, no way would I not drink just cos he can't!

The poster seems ok thoughEtta

Another one who hates being pregnant because (for me, at least) it's shit. It's like having the flu for nine months but everyone expects you to carry on as normal and- yeah, I'm not an alcoholic but actually- I miss drinking. I miss being social with a drink and having dinner with mates and a few drinks.

For what it's worth I think your husband should be more considerate. Maybe I'm a horrible, bitch wife but I do expect my husband to at least support me in a bit of deprivation if it makes me feel better. I often think of that bit in Knocked Up where- and I'm paraphrasing- she says something like "your job is just to support me and agree with me however unreasonable" and I do think that. Sorry, but it's almost a full year out of my life where I feel like I have a terminal illness and I can't even have a nice bit of Brie. If you're going to booze/smoke/eat sushi at least don't rub it in my face!!

First of all I think it was a mistake to have a baby just because he wants one. But putting that aside....

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

If you are finding it hard not to be able to drink at events, a considerate partner would at least sometimes keep you company.

I was pretty ambivalent about having children then thought I'd made a terrible mistake for about the first 6 months then fell in love with him and couldn't imagine life without him now (he's nearly two).

Sorry not really what your thread is about but if you do find yourself regretting the whole thing at first, do remember it will probably pass. I honestly used to lie awake thinking I'd ruined my whole life forever and I wish I'd known at the time that this is quite common and it passes.

It's quite possible the OP was having a very bad day and came on here to vent. She won't make that mistake again will she?

Do you really think it's ok to drink 1 unit when pregnant?

All pregnant women are advised not to drink at all which is zero units

Zero units, not one

It's all over the news, it's in every pregnant guideline not to drink so how you can think one unit is allowed is beyond me

Oh FGS not every pregnancy is roses and sunshine - how much you enjoy pregnancy or not is utterly irrelevant to whether you'll be a good mother or love your kids. I hate pregnancy. Yet I'm desperate to be pregnant again - because although it was hideous first time around, DS is worth doing it all again a thousand times to have.

YANBU to ask your DH not to drink in front of you. Your not enjoying pregnancy - maybe if you were having an awesome time it would be a non issue but it's become one for you

"how you can think one unit is allowed is beyond me"

Because the guidelines switched from "maximum one or two units, once or twice a week" to "none" relatively recently (2007), for slightly woolly reasons (there had been no change in the actual evidence re the safety of alcohol in pregnancy). Good article here: www.theguardian.com/society/2007/may/29/health.medicineandhealth

There's no need to be so sneery.

OP – I think it’s a shame you’re getting such a hard time. As I mentioned, I hated pregnancy. What I didn’t mention was, I terminated at 12 weeks because I became suicidal. It wasn’t ‘just’ the biological unfairness – unfortunately hormones took over and my mood became lower and lower and lower. I never had any kind of mental health issues before then and one thing I was acutely aware of was how every other pregnant woman on the planet was happy and excited about being pregnant and I felt like utter, utter crap and every night I’d wish I didn’t wake up the next day as I’d completely ruined my life.

You said on a post that you are going through with your pregnancy – That’s an incredibly brave choice considering how you feel and one I really admire you for (not meaning to be patronising!) as unlike you, I couldn’t cope. I think for some women who are excited / happy etc, foregoing certain things (alcohol, foodstuffs etc) is pretty easy – however for others, maybe not so much.

I’ve never been a big drinker, I would drink 1 bottle of wine maybe once every 2-3 months? I really didn’t drink a lot… yet when I became pregnant, I was so frustrated I ‘couldn’t’ do things – that everyone else could do what they wanted, but I couldn’t. Like you – I didn’t want to risk anything, so didn’t drink or eat anything I ‘shouldn’t’, but again – felt like a total freak as all the other women in the world could manage it, so why couldn’t I?

It’s a shame your Husband isn’t being very sympathetic – I think some of the time it’s because how you feel isn’t visible – he doesn’t know how low you feel, that for you… this is what you have to live with 24/7 for 9 months. There’s no respite, there’s no ‘feeling yourself’ as you can’t just stop being pregnant.

I really wish there was more ‘openness’ about feeling really, really low DURING pregnancy – It’s really hard to find books and online content which says to women ‘It’s OK to feel like this.. it doesn’t make you a bad person and it doesn’t mean you’ll be a bad Mother.’