To ask my husband not to drink around me while pregnant?

[dellacucina]

Or to only drink the 1 unit I am allowed? It makes me feel extremely isolated and resentful to be alone in this, on top of all of the other crap things about being pregnant. Plus I am only doing this because he wants children.

We have gone to loads of weddings lately and he drinks lots and lots of nice things while I watch.

At home, he will grab a beer and go to the other room, saying it is not in front of me.

At the same time, he has told me that the restrictions I have to deal with are not that bad and I should just deal.

Is this an unreasonable request? I have not asked him to stop altogether, just in my presence.

MaddyHatter : I have a dietary restriction which severely limits what I can eat. I have dealt with it over the years (it emerged when I was an adult) and do not try to impose it on anyone else.

I do really like drinking but it just feels like too much to have these extra restrictions. At the aforementioned weddings we attended I had to wait for literally hours in the cold with no food while everyone around me enjoyed delicious-looking snacks and nice cocktails (including husband). It is a really enraging position to be in for a hungry pregnant lady.

OP YABU but I empathize because so was I! I hated being pregnant, felt like a big fat lump the whole time and I missed smoking and drinking. In fact I could have punched anyone in the face who smoked and drank around me! I am fully aware I was a miserable cow the first time round

I was also one of those ne'er spoken of women who didn't fall in love with my baby the minute he was born. I felt even more horrible for the first two weeks dealing with sore healing stitches and swollen boobs. No one had prepared me for that. BUT gradually, over the next few weeks, I got to know my baby and fell in love with him little by little and my heart swells with pride when I look at the wonderful young man he's growing into.

In fact I even went on to do it all again and the second time round it was much easier as I was way more prepared for what was coming (still hated being pregnant tho!)

Take no notice of all the harsh comments. There is no right or wrong when it comes to pregnancy or how you feel about it.

Don't really know what to advise about your DH's lack of support as I fear as others say, it's a sign of deeper problems. In the meantime, do the best you can and rest assured that this will all seem a dim and distant memory

Oh OP I'll disagree with the later posters- I did not like not drinking and for a large part of pregnancy avoided going out or went and eeeked out a small glass of wine all night- sometimes having 2 then feeling guilty :( drinking is a bit part of my social life so made life a bit harder. I get it; I just don't believe in telling adults what they can and can't do

I am starting to think this is mostly a broader issue of being annoyed with my husband's lack of empathy (especially bc he has been angry with me for simply expressing frustrating re my pregnancy deprivations, and has told me it is no big deal).

Could this be in response to you making him feel guilty that you loathe being pregnant, and only having the baby for him?

Op there are some really unpleasant and unhelpful replies on here.
yiu need to talk to your gp or midwife about how you're feeling.
depending on how far along you are you do not have to continue this pregnancy.

I mean how often do you express your pregnancy deprivations to him?

YANBU. It is really helpful when DP makes sacrifices in solidarity like this. My DP is on a particular diet and I am pretty much following it too to make it easier to stick to. He didn't drink around me when I was pregnant - I really appreciated it. IMO your husband is being insensitive and should be trying a bit harder to walk in your shoes.

Alwaysinahurrynow : thank you, this all seems like very good and sensible advice. TBH I am very concerned that he won't be supportive and understanding once the baby is born. I am terrified of being left with all the responsibility. He loves to talk about how he is the breadwinner and should be freed up at home, even though I have a full-time stressful job as well.

AbitSceptical : thank you, this is also very helpful. I am terrified of having the baby and am not especially encouraged by all of these people telling me how much worse it will be than pregnancy. Much of what makes pregnancy unpleasant is anticipating all of the stress after the baby is born.

What brag said. My dh often checks with me first if we are out and drinks are on offer, partly because I'll have to drive but partly because he'd be totally willing to stay sober in solidarity if I wanted him to. I never ask him to because it doesn't bother me, why should we both have that choice taken away when it's only relevant for me?

I think the difference is my dh acknowledges that this isn't always easy and at the moment the work is all one sided. Have you sat down and explained this to DP? If so he's being unreasonably unsupportive in not acknowledging your sacrifices for the family - it is very clear you feel sacrificed and that is not for him to judge unreasonable.

OP, I think you need to start a new post in Relationships, focussing on your feelings around pregnancy and motherhood. To be going through a pregnancy which you hate for a bay you're ambivalent about having isn't great. I would think some kind of counselling to talk these issues through before the baby is born might be an idea.

It also sounds like your DH is being an unsupportive arse, and that's worse because you feel you're doing this for him. But having a baby, bringing a child into the world, is not something you do for someone as a favour, it is far far far bigger than that. (I'm not going to comment on whether you are U or not with regard to the drinking as that's not the real issue here.)

Op how far along are you? You sound trapped

It sounds like the root cause of your resentment is a lot more than him drinking in front of you. Perhaps because you weren't totally sold on the baby idea? I think you need to address that before it arrives for its sake - you ever read We Need to talk about Kevin? (not to the extreme of that book of course but it can be picked up on that you're not really keen & it can affect their personality).

When I was pregnant I happily poured my OH a beer (& took a little sip) and went to weddings/pubs. My view was its only temporary & welfare of my baby a lot more important than a bevvy. As it is now dc here im not arsed with it anymore

WorraLiberty : no, he actually lacks empathy. It is something he admits when he is not in a stubborn mood. He has actually received this as a comment at work as well so it is independently documented.

I may also be a particularly whingey person, but IMO the appropriate response when someone is making a huge 9 month (+) sacrifice, partially for you, is not to tell them that it is not that bad.

Further.. I believe couples should support each other in whatever way they can - since this is the support your require to help you get through a condition which benefits you both, your partner should be willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy.
And as far as me restricting my diet, I see this sacrifice benefits the whole family as it helps my partner stick to the diet and be healthier, happier and nicer to have around as a result.

StealthPolarBear : halfway through, still haven't felt the baby (at least not definitely). not sure what you mean about being trapped, but i am definitely going through with the pregnancy.

RiverTam : thanks, I am going to consider these responses further and may post in the Relationships thread with a more concrete question

Ok. I suspect when you do feel the baby you'll realise that's what those odd feeling were, happened to me anyway :)
Do you want this man as the father of your child? He sounds selfish, does he get a chance to prove what type of father he'll be?

OP I really feel for you, and am disappointed in the PPs who are saying YABU. As others have said, if it's no big deal for you to give it up for 9 months, then it's no big deal for him, at least in front of you? I like a good glass of wine and I did miss it during my pregnancies. I don't think that makes me an alcoholic.
I hated being pregnant and suffered with antenatal depression. I was very lucky in that my DH was incredibly supportive - and he did give up drinking for both of my pregnancies.
You're in this as a team, and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect from him the same thing he expects from you.
And all these people saying 'oh your body won't change, the weight drops off', well maybe it did for you, you're very lucky. Not everyone is the same! My body has changed irrevocably.
OP am sending you hugs. PM me if you want a chat.

Buy a copy of 'Expecting Better' and have a read of the chapters on what you can and can't eat
I'm slightly that you are happy to drink but not eat steak

I'm also slightly surprised that no one else has questioned how healthy your relationship with alcohol is if you needed 2 drinks a day just to relax. No wonder you are resentful at not being able to have a drink now. Have you tried the old 'sparkling water in a wine glass' trick?
I haven't ever been a daily drinker, but I do love wine, and missed it a lot when I was pregnant, but managed to trick myself by drinking out of wine glasses.

MyKingdomForBrie: he possibly has improved a bit on the empathy front as my body has been changing and he has a visual aid to remind him that I am actually pregnant. I think it will be a good idea to initiate another conversation about relationship stuff and expectations post-birth at some point when neither of us is annoyed or stressed.

Say cool I completely agree. 'Mummies' are expected to be so overjoyed to be pregnant they'll give up everything expected without a backward glance, it's all worth it to be a mummy. But when 'daddy' is expected to do the same, suddenly the warm fuzzy glow of parenthood doesn't go far enough.

Jesus people, back off a bit eh? She's pregnant now, it's hardly helpful to suggest she shouldn't be.

Fwiw.... I don't think Yabu at all. Well maybe if you demanded he was dry for the whole nine months, but just at the moment, at home, while you're struggling, I don't see the issue. Well of course unless he has a problem with alcohol?

I very much wanted my baby - hated every second of pregnancy and felt like I had some sort of pmt the whole way through. Asking your support to help you by refraining from certain non-essential behaviours around you temporarily isn't a huge sacrifice is it.

I do agree you should have a chat with your midwife, a sympathetic ear could make all the difference. Also, and I debated writing this given you're struggling, but read up on the fourth trimester when you feel a little calmer. I remember the shock when I had DD. I had very unrealistic expectations when I was wishing my pregnancy away and although nothing can really prepare you for the reality of a baby, a little bit of knowledge can soften things a little.

pregnancy (at least for me) is shit. I felt like crap for 9 months, was sick the whole way through, as well as the usual feeling faint, massive, uncomfortable and often feeling like I was being assaulted from the inside (back to back strong baby). My husband was sort of sympathetic but didn't really get it as the women in his family pop them out with no stress at all. It only really hit home for him about 5 hours after I had given birth and the few days after. I wasn't pregnant and I felt soooooooooo much better despite all the usual post birth stuff. He is much better this time round! The other thing I found hard the first time round was it felt like it would go on forever and I would never feel better. This time round I know that this is just a short period and I just need to get my head down and get through it. Sounds like he is struggling to provide the support you need but also it is probably hard for him to figure out what that is. Sounds like the alcohol issue has been the focus for this but maybe you could talk and figure out something that he could do to help without just making his life less fun! For instance could he have gone and got you snacks from a near by shop at the wedding when you needed food?

sparechange I did read Expecting Better. I thought it was quite clear that a moderate amount of alcohol is fine but rare steak (the only kind I will eat) is not ok. There is a lengthy section on the risks of toxoplasmosis. This article summarises these positions: nypost.com/2013/08/11/booze-is-better-than-you-think-exercise-does-nothing-other-surprising-pregnancy-finds/