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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband not to drink around me while pregnant?

252 replies

dellacucina · 29/06/2016 10:27

Or to only drink the 1 unit I am allowed? It makes me feel extremely isolated and resentful to be alone in this, on top of all of the other crap things about being pregnant. Plus I am only doing this because he wants children.

We have gone to loads of weddings lately and he drinks lots and lots of nice things while I watch.

At home, he will grab a beer and go to the other room, saying it is not in front of me.

At the same time, he has told me that the restrictions I have to deal with are not that bad and I should just deal.

Is this an unreasonable request? I have not asked him to stop altogether, just in my presence.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 29/06/2016 11:16

Sorry but YABU for all the reasons others have stated

TheCrumpettyTree · 29/06/2016 11:17

I think you need to talk to your midwife or gp about how you're feeling. It could be antenatal depression, but if you're dh just says you're whining that's extremely unhelpful and unsupportive and you need to talk to him. Having a baby just to please someone else is really strange and not fair on the child. Having a newborn is exhausting and will test your relationship. So this is something you need to sort out now.

Also, of course I would not tell the child I don't want it. I am going through this and surely will love the child at the end

Well I hope so. And children know, they're not stupid.

2016Hopeful · 29/06/2016 11:18

YANBU - I actually think it would be a supportive thing of him to do.
Him giving up drink is a small thing compared to what you have to go through to have a baby!!

I don't think you are being petulant with your husband. It is about being a partnership and you need help not drinking so he shouldn't be rubbing it in your face the whole time.

user1465823522 · 29/06/2016 11:21
  • I have had no more than 100 mL (i.e. less than half a small glass of wine) no more than 1-2 times a week (and usually less than that). There is absolutely no scientific evidence that this amount of alcohol could harm the baby.

OTOH if you happen to eat the steak that is infected with toxoplasmosis this would have a very real chance of hurting the baby. So with option 1, drinking a strictly controlled amount, there is no evidence you will hurt the baby, whilst with option 2 you have no control over what happens if you happen to eat the wrong piece of meat.*

I'm sorry, but there is so much risk with alcohol that I don't understand how you can actually sit there and justify it like you're having an extra biscuit.

Original poster
dellacucina · 29/06/2016 11:22

TheCrumpettyTree: someone above said their mother told them they were unwanted all the time and seemed to assume I would do the same

OP posts:
MrsLion · 29/06/2016 11:22

The commitment and sacrifices you make when you're pregnant are nothing compared to being a parent.

You need to iron out any feelings of unfairness or resentment now, because it will only get a shit load worse.

AbitSceptical · 29/06/2016 11:26

YABU.

But... you do sound like you're depressed. I had antenatal depression and it was awful - made me into a nightmare person - picking at all sorts of silly things.

Please ask for help from your midwife - get referred for specialist counselling - our hospital had a dedicated psychologist.

If it turns out you're not depressed and just YABU, I'm sure they'll quickly figure that out!

Good luck.

joellevandyne · 29/06/2016 11:26

With the best will, OP, as your subsequent posts suggest that your OH is not very supportive, you need to look at this as a quick lesson that becoming a parent means that the days where the world revolves around you are over.

I don't mean that in a horrible way, just that one day in perhaps a year or 18 months, you will look back and laugh hollowly at the thought that you actually gave a shit about whether your OH gave up having a beer around you. The world is about to become irrevocably so much less about what you want that you will simply not recognise the person you are now.

This is especially important as you are already ambivalent about motherhood. I'm not suggesting you will be a terrible parent, but believe me, no mother has ever said, "Well, this is all easier than I expected." Yes, you will probably love your child fiercely, but it will also be a great deal harder than you can imagine right now. Having solid support is crucial. Make sure that if you can't rely on your partner for it, you can get it elsewhere. A GP, family, friends, whatever. Just make sure you gave it.

joellevandyne · 29/06/2016 11:26

*have it.

RunnerOnTheRun · 29/06/2016 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2nds · 29/06/2016 11:27

Dellacucina if you think a child will not work out that he or she is not wanted you have very little experience of being around children. They aren't stupid. My three year old is starting to really pick up on certain things. It's often not a case of you telling them something, it's in your tone of voice, your actions, your face, etc etc.

Alwaysinahurrynow · 29/06/2016 11:29

I have every sympathy for your frustrations with pregnancy. My OH says I'm a nightmare each time Hmm.

I can understand therefore that you are frustrated by the fact that your OH's life is not changing and yours already has. I found it and sometime still do the hardest bit of having children (the children themselves are brilliant). The best thing is to try and talk to him about how you are feeling and that it's potentially not about his behaviour more about the changes that you are currently experiencing that he isn't yet. Your midwife will probably have lots of ideas as they have literally seen all sorts of relationships and different emotions during pregnancy (they won't judge you). The most important thing is to try and build some support networks. I found a local parents charity fantastic during pregnancy.

I would also recommend before the birth talking with your OH about how you would like him to support you after having the baby. It's something that isn't really focused on enough during antenatal classes etc IMHO. For us, this meant I slept with the baby for the first six months and he slept in our room. OH is really grumpy with no sleep and our DS1 had reflux, so this was a really good idea as it meant when I was being grumpy/unreasonable/panicking, he could be more reasoned. The other thing that I've used and lots of friends have adopted is the dinner board, nothing made me want to explode more than OH coming home and asking 'what was for dinner?' when I had a baby who cried from 6pm to 10pm every night. So every Sunday, I would write up a dinner board so he could just look at it and hopefully actually cook it too.

Hope you feel more positive soon - it's really hard when you feel so frustrated.

EttaJ · 29/06/2016 11:30

That poor baby. What your DH does is irrelevant compared to someone that doesn't even want a child. You sound very cold indeed.

AbitSceptical · 29/06/2016 11:30

Oh, and one more thing - AIBU is a tough place to post if you're feeling sad / fragile, so maybe look for help on the pregnancy board? I found some lovely support there.

BeckyMcDonald · 29/06/2016 11:33

Hang on a minute. If it's so bloody easy and a 'small sacrifice' for the OP to give up drinking hen how come it's unreasonable to expect her husband to do the same (not totally, just around here That's a small sacrifice, no?

Women have massive (and often permanent) changes to their body, their hormones, their emotions, their whole lives, when they get pregnant. Why is it too much to ask that her husband refrains from drinking around her?

It's not something I'd personally be bothered about, but if it bothers the OP then j don't really think she's being unreasonable.

Furiosa · 29/06/2016 11:34

dellacucina I hope this doesn't come across as anything other than an honest observation but you seem very focused on alcohol, presumably because you can't drink at the moment.

Did you drink regularly before you were pregnant? I did! Every weekend I would relax at home with wine and pizza so when I became pregnant with my 1st I found it quite odd not to be able to relax in the usual way. In fact I found that it was probably the only way I knew how to unwind after a week at work Blush.

It got easier but I was a bit embarrassed that I missed alcohol. I think it really showed me how much I was actually drinking before.

Does this sound familiar to your situation? BTW I do agree that your DH could help you out by cutting back and spending more time with you without alcohol. Especially if not being able to drink leaves you at a loose end relaxation wise.

WorraLiberty · 29/06/2016 11:34

I don't see any problem with drinking half a glass of wine now and then...say like at a wedding/birthday or something while pregnant.

However, if you're drinking regularly (as you say - no more than 1-2 times a week) half a glass of wine and you're struggling with your DP even grabbing a beer to drink in another room, is there any chance you might be drink dependent? If only psychologically?

MaddyHatter · 29/06/2016 11:35

honestly, out of all the thing you cant eat/drink/do while pregnant, why is the alcohol such an issue?

Do you have an unhealthy relationship with drinking that you miss it so badly you can't stand people doing it around you?

Perhaps that ought to be addressed, otherwise, you're just being silly quite frankly.

AbitSceptical · 29/06/2016 11:35

Oh and personally I found motherhood much pleasanter than being pregnant... all those people telling me how tough it was going to be made the anticipation so much worse.

Don't get me wrong, it isn't 'easy', just that after being depressed for 9 months it was so nice not to be depressed any more that got me through all the physical stuff. And once the baby actually arrived, DH suddenly got focussed and started helping, even though he hadn't paid much attention during my pregnancy.

harshbuttrue1980 · 29/06/2016 11:36

How ridiculous!! If his doctor put him on a fasting diet for some reason, would you expect him to not let you eat either?? YOU are pregnant. YOU drinking in excess may harm the baby. HE is not pregnant. HIM drinking will not harm the baby. How will you cope with the pain of childbirth - will you expect him to give himself a painful procedure so you don't suffer alone? Jeez, you sound awful!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 29/06/2016 11:38

YABU

Original poster
dellacucina · 29/06/2016 11:38

Furiosa: reading through the responses, I am starting to think this is mostly a broader issue of being annoyed with my husband's lack of empathy (especially bc he has been angry with me for simply expressing frustrating re my pregnancy deprivations, and has told me it is no big deal).

But yes, I really enjoy drinking and normally would have 1-2 drinks after work. Just enough to unwind but not feel drunk. Last night he popped open a beer and said he HAD to have it because he had a long and stressful day. My knee-jerk reaction was to think, how nice that you can have that little relaxing treat. Funny that you think it is so easy for me . . .

OP posts:
Dontyoulovecalpol · 29/06/2016 11:39

Oh and me to abit sceptical. Motherhood was far more fun and rewarding than I ever expected

Bragadocia · 29/06/2016 11:39

It would be unreasonable if you were to insist that he didn't drink, but it would be thoughtful and considerate of him not to drink around you. Just as you probably wouldn't sit down next to someone you knew to be dieting with a bag of doughnuts, it's kind not to drink around someone who would like to be doing the same, but can't. It's surely not that great a sacrifice for him.

DeathStare · 29/06/2016 11:40

I think it depends on how much he's drinking to be honest. If you really want to stop him having one beer at home or a couple of drinks at a wedding because you don't feel you can have one then yes you are being unreasonable.

However I know what it's like to be the only sober person in a group full of shit-faced friends who are repetitive and not funny but think they are. So I think asking him to stop before he gets to that stage so that you're not the only one sat around twiddling your thumbs is perfectly reasonable.