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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband not to drink around me while pregnant?

252 replies

dellacucina · 29/06/2016 10:27

Or to only drink the 1 unit I am allowed? It makes me feel extremely isolated and resentful to be alone in this, on top of all of the other crap things about being pregnant. Plus I am only doing this because he wants children.

We have gone to loads of weddings lately and he drinks lots and lots of nice things while I watch.

At home, he will grab a beer and go to the other room, saying it is not in front of me.

At the same time, he has told me that the restrictions I have to deal with are not that bad and I should just deal.

Is this an unreasonable request? I have not asked him to stop altogether, just in my presence.

OP posts:
Lules · 29/06/2016 10:52

Yes, you are, but I did find it very annoying if my DH got hammered in front of me, mainly because really drunk people are annoying.

However, there is obviously way more going on. I hated being pregnant. It was grim. I also didn't know antenatal depression existed so it was so much worse because everyone assumed I was excited and happy. So seriously, try and talk to your midwife/GP if you think you are depressed.

LagunaBubbles · 29/06/2016 10:53

I am going through this and surely will love the child at the end, but I do not like being pregnant and have always been ambivalent about having children

I hope so.

PlatoTheGreat · 29/06/2016 10:55

della I would go and see your GP if you think the pg is making you depressed. I've had AND and it's crap. Much better to seek help.

You do sound quite resentful of the fact your life is already changing but not the one of your DH.
And tbh, if this was after the birth rather than during the pg, most people would agree with you!
You thought that pg and becoming a family would be something you would together and you are finding that it's you doing all the work and sacrifices/changes whilst he doesn't.

I'm not sure who far you are in pg, but one way to do it is involve him (or ensure he is involving himself) in the pregnancy. Preparing a nursery, searching for nursery items etc... looking at how life will be once your lo will here etc... In effect all the very practical things that need to be done around that.

NikiSaintPhalle · 29/06/2016 10:55

OP, from your update, you sound as if you could use some support - talk to your midwife and see if you can be referred to someone you can talk to about your feelings. I quite agree with you, incidentally, that initial ambivalence is no indicator of how you will be as a mother, but having a newborn also involves sacrifices which can be unequal between the parents, especially if you're breastfeeding - if you are angry now about your husband drinking when you can't, I honestly think you need to sort out those feelings, and your relationship, before a baby arrives into the mix. Having a newborn can be hard enough without all this unresolved resentment and tension in the air.

DonnaHaywood · 29/06/2016 10:55

I am very surprised so many people think you are being unreasonable about the drinking, OP. Having the occasional drink may be fine, but spending the day drinking 'lots' in front of you is really unsupportive. Every (nice) man I know has changed their lifestyle when their partner is pregnant - they have to when the baby arrives after all. YANBU.

I hope you start to enjoy your pregnancy more soon Flowers

user1465823522 · 29/06/2016 10:56

I think you're being really unreasonable. He's not pregnant and his decision to have a drink is not impacting you so for you to expect him to obey your frankly petulant request is just ludicrous.

And, not wanting to start a fight her, but since when were pregnant women 'allowed' alcohol? (OPs words, not mine) With all of mine the standard advice was no alcohol - surely you can manage that?

JessicaRabbit3 · 29/06/2016 10:56

Yabu you sound miserable. I hated being pregnant my last pregnancy was by far difficult but I would never try to controlling my DH for having a drink unless I was close to my due date for obvious reasons.

2nds · 29/06/2016 10:57

By the way OP this is really only the start of parenting, and we who carry the babies begin the parenting stage in life before the father does, it shouldn't be that way but it often is especially if it's a first pregnancy.

I had my first child three years ago and before having her me giving up alcohol was not on the cards at all I loved doing my thing and going out at weekends and getting smashed, classy lol. But this year I had my last alcoholic drink in the first week of April and I couldn't give a toss if I never have another sip, I really do not miss it and my kids are my top priority yet before my first pregnancy I was probably the least maternal person on planet earth. Giving birth to another human did very weird things to me and I'm not the same person I was back when I didn't have kids. I now have two kids and life is vastly different to what it was before.

Get used to not having certain things. I used to spend all my money on myself and nowadays I'm lucky if I can afford a new pair of socks.

Dontyoulovecalpol · 29/06/2016 10:58

Yabu. It's not reasonable to tell another adult what they can and can't do. Is annoying I know but being pregnant is a pain sometimes but it just is what it is. You sound frustrated and unhappy and I think most of us who have been pregnant recognise the way you feel. But yabu

Lules · 29/06/2016 10:58

To add - even though I was depressed during pregnancy and resented it so much, apart from getting baby blues right at the beginning, once I had the baby everything was so much better and I didn't have any problems in bonding at all. So it doesn't follow that being ambivalent about pregnancy leads to being ambivalent about your baby.

Original poster
dellacucina · 29/06/2016 10:58

FluffyPersian: yes, that is probably partly it. He totally lacks empathy and has been resentful that I am tired, has told me it is easy and to stop whining when I have expressed frustration over aspects of pregnancy including not drinking and dietary restrictions.

Re the bloody steak comments I cannot bring myself to do something that is considered that risky for the baby

OP posts:
2nds · 29/06/2016 10:59

By the way I didn't get drunk during either pregnancy I want to make that clear.

PlatoTheGreat · 29/06/2016 11:00

Also agree with a PP who is saying the reason for that could well be because you are not feeling supported at all during that pregnancy, a pregnancy HE wanted!

And if you are not feeling supported now, I'm wondering how much support your DH will give you once the baby is there.

Check with yoour GP?MW re AND but I think there is quite a bit to of talking that is needed re how he is going to show his support During the pg and how he sees his role the baby once it's here.

PlatoTheGreat · 29/06/2016 11:01

So in effect he is having a go at you for being unwell??

I'm not surprised you are resentful.

ChocolateTeacup · 29/06/2016 11:02

It is less about the drinking and a lot more about how you are feeling unsupported, possibly depressed and a little angry about the crap we put up with while pregnant.

I would speak to your DH not to say, I don't want you to drink around me at all, more of I'm finding this pregnancy really hard because... I feel like I need you to support me and be part of the pregnancy more and see what he says. He may not realise how you are feeling and need it spelling out a bit.

I am 29 weeks pregnant, I am lucky that my OH is being amazing but during early pregnancy I hated how nothing for him was changing and I was suffering with near constant sickness etc but that was partially because I wasn't talking to him properly and becoming very insular so he didn't know.

user1465823522 · 29/06/2016 11:02

I cannot bring myself to do something that is considered that risky for the baby

But you still drink?

Right? I mean, you said as much in your first post. So you don't want to do anything that is 'risky for the baby' but you still drink alcohol?

ChocolateTeacup · 29/06/2016 11:03

x post there he needs to buck his ideas up, can you take him with you to a midwife appointment and tell her how you are feeling

ItsyBitsyBikini · 29/06/2016 11:04

I hated being pregnant too but I didn't stop dp from drinking or eating steak. I don't eat pate or cream cheese anyway so they weren't an issue (and dp cooked me a gorgeous steak the day I came out of hospital so all was good with the world)
Although dp didn't get really drunk (except at christmas) and we had no weddings for a change so he drank out with his mates on the rare occasions they were all free to do so.
I definitely think you need of speak to your gp and midwife about anxiety/depression. If you want dp to stop drinking excessively around you -1 or 2 drinks is not excessive- then that's your decision but don't expect him to be too happy about it!

Somerville · 29/06/2016 11:04

He totally lacks empathy and has been resentful that I am tired, has told me it is easy and to stop whining when I have expressed frustration over aspects of pregnancy including not drinking and dietary restrictions.

Oh dear. Sad

Have you got other support, OP?

Benedikte2 · 29/06/2016 11:05

I'm not sure you should be drinking even that one unit while you're pregnant. Sounds as if you are in the early stages do even more important you abstain. Buy yourself some delicious non alcoholic drinks to drink when others are drinking.
Think of your DCs welfare and not your DHs refusal to share the restrictions of pregnancy. Maybe, surely, when your babe starts to move you will start to bond and it will all be less of an issue.
If you can afford it treat yourself to a relaxing massage or beauty treatment and buy some pretty new outfits. Exercise so your body won't be "ruined" because it isn't an inevitability. Find a pregnant buddy you can share moans with and have a laugh so life doesn't seem so grim. Perhaps your DH is feeling a bit anxious about what the pregnancy means etc and months of your "whinging" and that is why he appears so offhand and unempathetic?
Try to get him to attend parenting classes with you so he is better informed and can observe how more empathetic fathers to be are behaving.
Good luck

timeandtide · 29/06/2016 11:06

Him drinking is the least of your worries if you're only having children to appease him

WorraLiberty · 29/06/2016 11:07

You loathe being pregnant, you've always been ambivalent about having children, and you're only having this baby for him.

Is it possible that he feels you are drumming this home to him constantly and making him feel guilty as a result?

I'm wondering if his lack of empathy could be a form of defence?

chameleon43 · 29/06/2016 11:09

OP it just sounds like you and your partner need to talk things through? Sounds like you could both be more empathetic with each other?

I do think getting drunk at weddings is pretty standard? asking your partner not to is rather draconian?

I remember trying out all kinds of options like alcohol free beer, Schloer, Appletise, Tomato Juice etc - there are some ok soft drink options out there?

Rare Steak is only dodgy if the meat itself is dodgy....

Original poster
dellacucina · 29/06/2016 11:12

user1465823522 : I have had no more than 100 mL (i.e. less than half a small glass of wine) no more than 1-2 times a week (and usually less than that). There is absolutely no scientific evidence that this amount of alcohol could harm the baby.

OTOH if you happen to eat the steak that is infected with toxoplasmosis this would have a very real chance of hurting the baby. So with option 1, drinking a strictly controlled amount, there is no evidence you will hurt the baby, whilst with option 2 you have no control over what happens if you happen to eat the wrong piece of meat.

OP posts:
Iamnotloobrushphobic · 29/06/2016 11:12

I think YABU. It doesn't sound like your DH is getting drunk. He had quite a bit to drink at a wedding which is a one off event and he likes to have a beer (just one or two at most I presume) in the house on a regular basis. Surely it is better that he has a beer at home than him going down the pub with his mates and having several beers several times a week to avoid drinking in your presence? I know I would rather my husband was at home to help me.
FWIW. I have a 9 month old baby and I gave up my beloved wine during pregnancy and for the last 8 months I have had to give up all dairy and soy and egg because I am breastfeeding a baby with severe allergies. Giving stuff up you love sucks but I would never expect anybody else to restrict their food : drink intake because I have chosen to do do for the wellbeing of my baby. It isn't forever, you will be able to drink and eat whatever you like soon.