To think I do not deserve 3 days of verbal abuse from my Dickhead husband for this?

[SGlass]

went away for a few days and left my kids (15 and 17) home alone. We've done this a few times and it's always been ok - MIL around corner and normally sensible lads. Unfortunately this time oldest had a party without consent of approval. Stuff got moved, minor things got broken and a bottle of JD has gone missing. Also, someone slept in our bed. DH and I both fuming. I spoke to DS and told him how disappointed I was, how let down I felt, how angry I was and how disappointed in him I am. I also told him the phone he's been asking me to help him buy is now off the cards and there is now a blanket ban on friends in the house.
Well DH decided this was not the way I should have dealt with it as my wording was all wrong. From then on (this was Monday) I have received a list of insults from DH such as "you're as bad as them, you need to grow some balls, you're soft as shit, they're not my kids so why should I sort them out (I never asked him too) the 3 of you are a joke, you've brought them up like this, they're the worst kids I know, DS is a liar and a spoilt brat, if you don't grow some balls and sort it the marriage is doomed, if he keeps knocking this house about I'll knock him about" etc etc etc - he just went on and on and in laying into me all night until I went to bed.

Last night was horrendous. I'd spent all day washing and tidying his clothes that he took away with him and made him dinner. As soon as he came in he started on me again. To cut a long story short it started off with the same stuff as night before so I went in another room. He then asked me for my bank details so he could have a look at transactions. Nothing to hide so gave him the details. Next minute he comes flying in with a list of transactions that he wanted explaining (most were me transferring money to DS either for pocket money, clothes, the odd phone top up and times when he's given me cash and asked me to transfer it to his bank so he can buy something online. Now obviously I can't explain precisely the £10 that went out on the 4th October last year because I can't remember!!!

He ended up throwing the list at me, called me a piece of shit and then stormed off. He then came back in and stepped up the insults with "you still act like a single mother on easy street, I'm just a meal ticket for you three, I'm a fucking mug putting up with you 3, they're not even my fucking kids yet I'm the breadwinner, you're a user, all 3 of you are fucking users, none of you respect me, wish I'd never fucking married you (this one hurt). Etc etc

We only got married 2 months ago. What a spiteful horrible cunt of a man to say that to me. Can I just add I work full time earning £22k a year so I'm not a fucking user or gold digger. It's £22k a year more than his perfect ex ever brought in yet I'm the user??? I've been sworn at, had paper thrown at me, had the sofa/desk whacked where I've been sitting, called a user/piece of shit, been reminded constantly of his "breadwinner status" and been told he wishes he'd never married me - because my son had a party???!!

On top of this he slept in another room last night and told me to organise my kids tea before I go for my late shift today as they're not his kids so he's not responsible for feeding them.

Been married two months and I want to throw the fucker out. I feel it all so unjustified. I've tried talking to him sensibly and he just shouts me down, twists my words and swears at me like a chavvy loser. Fuming.

Why so many deleted/removed posts?

sorry how was i trolhunting i was asking a question

I don't think that my comment, or many of the others were actually troll hunting. For what it's actually worth, I DON'T think the OP is a troll- nowhere in my comment did I say she was

Anyway, on the off chance that the OP is still reading- please leave this utter cunt once and for all. Your children don't deserve this.

This isn't easy to read (in both senses)
Please get out of there OP, he sounds completely unhinged.

Haven't read all of the posts but something jumps up from the original post. Your DH really isn't happy with your relationship. This event has given him an excuse to scream this out at you.

You will have to find out what is really wrong. If he won't tell you then you can't work together to fix it.

Sorry, but he sounds so negative I wonder if he's already given up. He'd need to want things to work to become more positive to move this on. Good luck

Good lord this thread reads like a doily!

Op I have no idea what's gone on here but reading your thread in the same way I read anyone else's... Bloody hell what a miserable situation for you, and for your children.

Sadly teenagers aren't as grown up as they look or they seem. They aren't cooked yet in so many ways (though I'm sure they'd disagree!)... Their brains and hearts are still so soft and delicate, and living in this kind of situation will be leaving its mark on them. Probably a greater effect than will be apparent right now.

At the moment you are the only one with any power. It probably doesn't feel like that, but it's true. You can change you and your children's lives. All they can do is live through it then scamper as soon as they're old enough. And of course, the likelihood is that they will be running from you too, as the person who made them endure such a damaging home environment. Harsh I know, but teenagers aren't exactly known for their subtlety, they judge in black and white. You are the victim of your new husbands behavior, but your kids are the victims too, of the man you've brought into the house, and are potentially keeping in the house...

I hope you find a way to move forwards that gets the abuse out of yours and your children's lives.

N.b. I found the strength to leave my husband as soon as I saw the damage he was doing to your son. The difference being that my DS was tiny, he couldn't mask it in the same way a big mature teenager can. I literally saw the fear flash across his face, and in that moment I knew I couldn't protect him from it, and I couldn't make up for it. DS still has that fear reaction to certain triggers. It takes a moment to do that damage, a lifetime to fix.

I wonder if it would help you if you spent some time observing your kids, and trying to look beyond the teenage posturing and bravado. Maybe having a chat with them in a very safe and open way, to see how they feel when He shouts, at you, at them, about them etc. not asking them whether you should stay, you won't get a good answer & of course, they shouldn't be put in control in that way.

But, maybe you'll find the answer in their eyes, in their words.

I couldn't do it for me, too beaten down, too convinced I didn't deserve better. But I could do it for my boy.

Good luck

Gosh I'm dreading these tricky teenage years!

He's escalated his abuse and you are in danger of being physically attacked. Throwing things at you is a physical attack already. The slamming the desk is a physical threat.

Take a look at this to see how violence escalates.

www.jccdv.org/escalation.php

I would say your sons are at risk too because they may feel they have to step in to protect you or he may square up to them as he continues to assert his dominance.

Wow! What an over reaction for what has to be the mildest teenage party ever ( no-one taken to hospital to get their stomach pumped? No gate crashes climbing in the window or stealing the family silver? ) Really, even if your husband felt that the punishment was insufficient why did he think it was acceptable to speak to you in that way? It seems that his "anger" with you re the party spiralled into some routine about other matters. What's the situation re the bank account got to do with anything? Im assuming that this is your own bank account. Even if you have nothing to hide then there is absolutely no reason for him to request to see details of your own finances. My own ( non abusive) husband wouldn't dream of asking to see my bank statements and apologised for accidentally opening my credit card bill the other day. It's not that there should be secrets but some things are private. You intimate that he has a "perfect" former wife who was a SAHM - I doubt very much that he was treating her like a princess while giving you all this shit. Much more likely that he goes into this whole " gold digger" routine with her which is why it came so easily for him. I think the way that you handle this is going to set the scene for the whole relationship. If you start co-operating with his unreasonable demands you allow him a power over you which he will exploit. Even worse you communicate to your sons that this is how it works in relationships. I would endeavour to remain calm in the face of his tirades. Explain that his behaviour is unacceptable and you won't tolerate it. If he doesn't want to help with your sons then fine - he doesn't get an opinion or say in how you raise or discipline them. (quite frankly they're old enough to make their own dinner) He also should have no further access to any information concerning your finances, friendships, purchases etc etc other than what is necessary for the running of the house. If he backs off, apologises and then gets back to normal then you may be able to proceed cautiously forward. However if he keeps up the controlling and shouting in the face of all that then I don't see how your relationship can survive. I've mentioned this before but please research " coercion and control" which is a new piece of legislation in relation to domestic abuse. Does it ring any bells?

people saying I wouldn't be back - I did make it clear originally that I work full time! And I have no idea what you're all referring to regarding previous posts as this is my first one. Mistaken identity I'm afraid.
I told him today not to come back home tonight.

Good

Do you think he will listen?

Have you packed up some stuff for him and can you lock the doors to ensure he can't get in?

That's not a party, that's your nearly-adult son having a very small group of friends round to his own home while he has some privacy because you're away (I'm guess he wouldn't feel able to with your husband there?). Don't let your husband treat you all like this.

I hope he listens OP. I haven't read the full thread - the title was enough for me. NOTHING justifies 3 days if ranting and abuse.

glad youre back op and sorry for the misunderstanding

hope you can move forward now x

You certainly did the right thing OP, although I probably would've ended that sentence to him with: 'not to come home tonight or ever'

Huge apologies op if you're not the person I thought you were. I really hope you get shot of him.

Given the circumstances of this thread, I think MNHQ should enlighten us as to whether this is the same poster as people suspected. I don't know why my comment was deleted. I did not troll hunt in any way. If this is a different poster then apologies but given the similarities, MNHQ really should clarify on this one.

Glad you have asked him not to come home OP. Given his vile temperament, is he likely to listen?

I don't constitute that as a party either. My GPs did the same when I was 17, I had a few people over, we drank cider, I lost my virginity, standard stuff being a teen alone. My DGD was incredibly strict and he immediately knew I'd had people over despite me trying to tidy. I thought he would hit the roof but he asked, I owned up and that was the end of it and he said he wasn't surprised. I didn't do it again. I think you have gone a bit ott about the 'party'. He is 17 and had a few friends over, the house wasn't trashed. I'm not surprised tbh, he is almost an adult. You should trust him with a few friends.

Op sorry but you have been away for a few days...glasto by any chance?

I think this is my first LTB in the 4 years I've been on here.

Your sons did what loads of other teenagers would do with their parents away. Not great but the house didn't burn down.

Your husband on the other hand has acted way out of line, and you know it. I echo everyone else that says his mask has slipped. He sounds like a thoroughly nasty piece of work. I have two DS, I wouldn't want them exposed to someone like that at any age. Get rid or regret it.

Op has said she isn't this other poster. It should be left at that! No need for mnhq to clarify anything . This is just a forum.

Anyway, looks like op has been scared off and has retreated elsewhere. Nice one bullies of MN

LTB then throw a big party with your sons and 'accidentally' trash all his belongings 😂 he sounds vile.

at the deleted posts. Good for you, OP. I'm so glad you told him not to come back. Please don't let him return.

So angry he made you show him your transactions. My stepfather was a bit like that, and always reminding my mum that we weren't his children when it suited him, when anything negative happened.

Your children deserve a better life than this. Get him out or leave.

OP have my first LTB
And get your kids and run Fast ! This is an evil bastard and IT WILL get worse. Cut your loses and show you're DCs you are a mum worth more than this because you really are and all you need to do is believe that and you will be able to walk away
Good luck