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To think I do not deserve 3 days of verbal abuse from my Dickhead husband for this?

235 replies

SGlass · 29/06/2016 08:27

went away for a few days and left my kids (15 and 17) home alone. We've done this a few times and it's always been ok - MIL around corner and normally sensible lads. Unfortunately this time oldest had a party without consent of approval. Stuff got moved, minor things got broken and a bottle of JD has gone missing. Also, someone slept in our bed. DH and I both fuming. I spoke to DS and told him how disappointed I was, how let down I felt, how angry I was and how disappointed in him I am. I also told him the phone he's been asking me to help him buy is now off the cards and there is now a blanket ban on friends in the house.
Well DH decided this was not the way I should have dealt with it as my wording was all wrong. From then on (this was Monday) I have received a list of insults from DH such as "you're as bad as them, you need to grow some balls, you're soft as shit, they're not my kids so why should I sort them out (I never asked him too) the 3 of you are a joke, you've brought them up like this, they're the worst kids I know, DS is a liar and a spoilt brat, if you don't grow some balls and sort it the marriage is doomed, if he keeps knocking this house about I'll knock him about" etc etc etc - he just went on and on and in laying into me all night until I went to bed.

Last night was horrendous. I'd spent all day washing and tidying his clothes that he took away with him and made him dinner. As soon as he came in he started on me again. To cut a long story short it started off with the same stuff as night before so I went in another room. He then asked me for my bank details so he could have a look at transactions. Nothing to hide so gave him the details. Next minute he comes flying in with a list of transactions that he wanted explaining (most were me transferring money to DS either for pocket money, clothes, the odd phone top up and times when he's given me cash and asked me to transfer it to his bank so he can buy something online. Now obviously I can't explain precisely the £10 that went out on the 4th October last year because I can't remember!!!

He ended up throwing the list at me, called me a piece of shit and then stormed off. He then came back in and stepped up the insults with "you still act like a single mother on easy street, I'm just a meal ticket for you three, I'm a fucking mug putting up with you 3, they're not even my fucking kids yet I'm the breadwinner, you're a user, all 3 of you are fucking users, none of you respect me, wish I'd never fucking married you (this one hurt). Etc etc

We only got married 2 months ago. What a spiteful horrible cunt of a man to say that to me. Can I just add I work full time earning £22k a year so I'm not a fucking user or gold digger. It's £22k a year more than his perfect ex ever brought in yet I'm the user??? I've been sworn at, had paper thrown at me, had the sofa/desk whacked where I've been sitting, called a user/piece of shit, been reminded constantly of his "breadwinner status" and been told he wishes he'd never married me - because my son had a party???!!

On top of this he slept in another room last night and told me to organise my kids tea before I go for my late shift today as they're not his kids so he's not responsible for feeding them.

Been married two months and I want to throw the fucker out. I feel it all so unjustified. I've tried talking to him sensibly and he just shouts me down, twists my words and swears at me like a chavvy loser. Fuming.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 29/06/2016 08:58

A temper tantrum is bad enough - but three continuous days of abuse??

Can you get to a solicitor today? I think you need to, I fear, sad though it may be initially.

user1465823522 · 29/06/2016 08:58

your husband clearly respects you about as much as your kids do,

Maisy313 · 29/06/2016 08:58

Leave him now and get out without too much damage for you or your children. Don't leave the house though, can you get the locks changed and a solicitor?

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 29/06/2016 09:00

I don't think the son was that bad anyway. 4 friends over and a tiny bit of damage isn't quite a party and trashing the house.
Nobody should have slept in the op's bed though

cozietoesie · 29/06/2016 09:01

Have you actually ever spoken to your DSs about the marriage? What were their views?

Inyournightdress · 29/06/2016 09:03

Flowers you're in the right headspace now op, just remember that. If he tries to make up remember how he made you feel and how you're feeling right now.

It will only get worse from here.

AyeAmarok · 29/06/2016 09:03

He was like this before you got married. We all told you he'd be just as bad, if not worse, after.

He doesn't like you or your DC.

But then you know this, and decided to marry him anyway.

eddielizzard · 29/06/2016 09:04

well then. take control. don't let him come home and stonewall / shout at you.

text him to say it's over. you're leaving a bag of stuff at his mum's and not to come home. get the locks changed.

having 4 friends over is hardly the crime of the century and he knows it.

LottieDoubtie · 29/06/2016 09:04

Your punishment of your DS was entirely proportionate. He did what 17 years olds do- it wasn't a massive party, they didn't trash the house. Yes it was naughty but not either unexpected or particularly heinous.

Your DH on the other hand is a twat of the highest order. I'm glad you've seen the light OP, don't stand for it- get legal advice on the house and separate immediately.

fabulousathome · 29/06/2016 09:04

Sorry but I think the kids were really too young to leave on their own. Agree of course that his behavior was unacceptable though.

And you've left them before too, so presumably when they were younger?

cozietoesie · 29/06/2016 09:05

And by the way, people may well try to 'minimise' the situation. You'll likely encounter lots of remarks about 'adjustment to married life' and 'Are you sure?' because, mainly, of the short time since the marriage.

This behaviour is not acceptable though. And neither does it sound temporary or fixable.

MLGs · 29/06/2016 09:05

Yep, you need to get rid of him.

See a solicitor asap.

You might not be able to get him to leave until house is sold, although if there is abuse are orders that can be obtained from courts depending on circumstances . I was told my stbxh (still living in house) turning the place upside down and going through my drawers wasn't enough.

See a solicitor or a public access barrister though.

BishopBrennansArse · 29/06/2016 09:06

End the marriage.
See if you can get an occupation order or non mol based on three days of abuse.

corythatwas · 29/06/2016 09:07

It sounds like this last episode is actually making you realise that he has been abusive in the past, you simply haven't noticed it, like the frog in boiling water.

"he'll reject me for two days or so before finally "deciding" that my punishment is over"- this is not the behaviour of a man who respects his partner as an equal, is it?

That should be your bottom line: does this man respect you as much as he expects you to respect him? That is your absolute right in a relationship and you should never settle for anything less.

Oysterbabe · 29/06/2016 09:08

Sorry but I think the kids were really too young to leave on their own
They're 17 and 15!!!!! The 17 year old can have sex and get married but can't stay overnight away from his mum? Don't be ridiculous.

Kimononono · 29/06/2016 09:09

How does he speak to yours sons op? How do you think they will be feeling?

PinkSnowAndStars · 29/06/2016 09:09

You can have my first ever LTB.

He sounds like a complete arse!

TheSockGoblin · 29/06/2016 09:10

The fact he has behaved this way to his previous wife and it has escalated since you got married ought to tell you loud and clear he is the type of man who believes by marrying a woman he then owns her, and the guff about being the breadwinner only supports that. As you said you work and earn and i'm sure on your salary would be just fine managing financially without him. (and even if you didn't that's ZERO excuse to treat you or your children this way).

Bullshit to the 'nothing before you met me' bollocks OP, you know thats a stupid lie meant to make you feel grateful for his manly presence in your life. I'm betting you were just fine before you met him and you can be just fine after he has fucked off out of your life.

I also wonder what your sons think of him?

One of my concerns would be his threats to your son. Men like him don't tend to like competition..it all ties in with this idea he is the head of the household now and the big breadwinner blah blah blah mentality (whether thats true in actuality or not it appears this is the narrative he's trying to force), and teenage / nearly adult sons are often seen as a big threat. He is escalating not only to you but to your children as well. If you think he might hit you whats to stop him following through on his words about knocking your son?

You don't deserve any of this abuse and I hope you will consider dissolving your relationship with him, protect yourself and your kids.

Good luck Flowers

Naughty1205 · 29/06/2016 09:12

You can have my first Ltb too. What a dick.

pictish · 29/06/2016 09:13

Too young to leave on their own? They are 17 and 15 not 7 and 5!!

Anyway...OP my advice is to cut your losses on this arsehole and get shot. You cannot put up with such tyranny and abuse.

cozietoesie · 29/06/2016 09:16

Where, if at all, does your MIL figure in all this?

trafalgargal · 29/06/2016 09:17

I'd never say outright leave him ....and feel there is too much of it blithely advised on here but in this instance ......LTB.

cestlavielife · 29/06/2016 09:18

he's never acted like this before.

he has now.

leave.

ChocChocPorridge · 29/06/2016 09:22

if he keeps knocking this house about I'll knock him about

That there is enough without anything else - TheSockGoblin is right, he sees your nearly adult son as a threat and competition, and it's going to escalate with him too.

From what you've said, it actually does sound like a fairly proportionate punishment (he's 17 for goodness sake, what are you realistically going to do anyway) - you've explained you're disappointed, and he's lost some good will. It's not like he invited the neighbourhood and trashed the place, 4 friends got a bit lively that's all.

HermioneJeanGranger · 29/06/2016 09:23

He sulks, throws tantrums, stonewalls you and wants to see your bank statements so he can criticise your spending?

GET OUT.

He's emotionally and mentally abusive and financially controlling. Why would you stay with him? He sounds awful and he's a horrible role model for your sons as well.

Run far, and run fast, and thank your lucky stars you never had children with him.