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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU - woman taking dd's hand

360 replies

wheresthel1ght · 27/06/2016 16:15

To start out I don't think I was being unreasonable and if anything I think I should have done more but would appreciate some outside input as I have an anxiety disorder and not sure that I wasn't seeing this situation as more than it was.

Pulled into the car park at our local Home Bargains store and was getting dd out the car. She is massively independent but still only 2.10 so I insist on her holding my hand as she has little road sense as with most kids her age. She was refusing and was holding her hands together saying she was being friends I could bloody murder Justin fletcher. Next thing I know some random woman is saying to dd "come and hold my hand" dd obliged and the woman started to walk dd towards the shop.

I grabbed dd's hand and said something along the lines of "this way darling we need to get a trolley" and pulled her away from the woman. I then tried to tell dd that we don't talk to strangers and we never hold hands with them because not all stranger are nice people. The woman must have heard me and as I walked past her in the shop she told me I was rude and unkind and she was only trying to help.

Wibu? I never said anything to her but I wanted to tell her to get her hands off my dd.

OP posts:
coldcanary · 27/06/2016 16:56

YANBU. Most people wouldn't have approached a random child and lead them anywhere, what an odd (or interfering) thing to do!
For future reference OP, I found a little life backpack brilliant when DD2 went trough a similar hand holding refusal stage.

Original poster
wheresthel1ght · 27/06/2016 16:58

Aplace jamie Bulger wasn't unattended either and the whole country know how that ended!

I have acknowledged several towns that I sjould have apologised and clearly said it louder or nearer to the woman than I thought I had.

However I still believe as do some others that the woman had no right in taking dd's hand and walking away from me with her. What would have been rude would have been my first instinct which was to scream at her some bring along the lines of "what the hell do you think you are doing, let go of my daughter"

OP posts:
user1466610292 · 27/06/2016 17:01

It's a sad world where someone can't try to help someone else without the other person immediately expecting the worst. Not saying I would be happy with it, just think it's a sad thing.

Original poster
wheresthel1ght · 27/06/2016 17:01

Cold I do normally have one but was calling in on my way home from work and it was at home after dog walks yesterday!

OP posts:
ineedwine99 · 27/06/2016 17:01

I think i would have reacted in a similar manner to be honest, though would probably have saved the stranger talk for later, i don't think it's right for a stranger to take a child's hand without asking the parent if it's ok

JudyCoolibar · 27/06/2016 17:02

Fine to hold her hand, really NOT fine to start walking off with her. She didn't know whether you were ready to follow - you might have had to get more stuff out etc - and if all she wanted to do was help she could simply have offered to hold on till you were sorted out.

Joinourclub · 27/06/2016 17:03

I'm in agreement with you. I don't think that woman was a danger, but I think she was being out of order. Who walks off with a complete strangers child and thinks that's ok? I think that kids do need to be taught not to do that, not because they might get murdered by some random old lady, but because they might wander off and get lost.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 27/06/2016 17:05

I think you may have slightly overreacted OP, but understandable given the age and stage of your child.

The only thing I think you could/should have done differently is wait to have that conversation with your daughter when the lady was out of earshot.

RhiWrites · 27/06/2016 17:09

Maybe she was trying to be helpful but it was massively inappropriate. You don't want to teach your kid that this is okay. Yes, stranger danger is massively exaggerated but it does exist and it's crazy to let your 2 year old go happily off with whoever because they're 'being nice' or 'seem friendly'.

That said OP the better response would have been to address the woman directly and say "that's very kind but I'm teaching her to listen to me and also not to go off with someone who's a stranger to her" or just "thanks but I've got this covered".

KimmySchmidtsSmile · 27/06/2016 17:10

YWBU

Maybenot321 · 27/06/2016 17:10

YANBU, and I don't think you overreacted at all.
The woman interfered ,muscled in without invitation, undermined you in front of your DD and then, had the cheek to say you're the rude one!!! Err no....

mylovegoesdown · 27/06/2016 17:19

James Bulger was unattended, that's how it happened. His Mum had lost sight of him (easy to do) and he'd wandered outside a shop she was in.

His Mum didn't watch him walk off with someone. No-one would. There have been no child abductions of a parent watching their child toddle off with someone.

I think this woman stepped over a line and was misguided btw.

TooGood2BeFalse · 27/06/2016 17:20

I can see why you were annoyed, but surely when you can see someone is only trying to help you just grit your teeth and smile?

SpeckledFrog2014 · 27/06/2016 17:21

I'm shocked by some pp, the woman was bang out of order leading your child away. Honestly if it had happened to me I would have picked up my dd, carried her into the shop and reported the woman to customer services. Her behaviour was odd and menacing. However different story if she had come over and asked if she could help by getting you a trolley or your bags out of the car or anything else she could do to help.

I understand the fine line we're all trending teaching our children about the world, you don't want to make them suspect everyone is up to no good, but at the same time you don't want them to be naive. I once told my dd that she shouldn't run away from mummy in the shops as sometimes other people aren't nice, I doubt the sometimes bit means anything though and I couldn't say whether that was right or wrong to say.

PurpleRainDiamondsandPearls · 27/06/2016 17:21

I see her point, she was probably trying to help you and was misguided. I do see your point but I think you are letting anxiety overtake you, talking about James Bulger etc.

Original poster
wheresthel1ght · 27/06/2016 17:25

Toogood no really I don't see how taking my dd's hand and walking her away from me is being helpful. Please explain it to me

OP posts:
sizeofalentil · 27/06/2016 17:33

I don't think you were rude OP - the woman was being a bit weird for doing that. Why would you just butt in like that and take a stranger's child's hand?

If she wanted to help she could have said something like "don't be silly - hold mummy's hand then you can go in to the shop" or something. Or anything. Taking her hand and leading her away wasn't being helpful at all.

Bigoldsupermoon · 27/06/2016 17:34

FWIW, OP, I don't think YWBU - it's not appropriate to take someone's child by the hand and start leading them away. Yes, she most likely meant kindly, but a lot of people mean kindly and get things wrong. I think she got this one wrong.

Were you a bit harsh? Eh, probably. Do I think she's a bit cheeky for calling you rude and unkind? Yeah. She sounds embarrassed and defensive. I'd try and give it no more thought, IIWY.

LunaLoveg00d · 27/06/2016 17:34

how many of you would be ok with someone taking the hand of a toddler and wandering off with them.

She wasn't wandering off though, she was going exactly the same place as you were, not pulling your child in the opposite direction.

sizeofalentil · 27/06/2016 17:35

Plus, the woman was getting your child to do the opposite of what you asked - you asked her to hold your hand. YOUR hand. No anyone's hand.

I'm sure she was a nice but misguided lady - but you have no idea what her road sense was like. Of course you wouldn't have let your daughter wander off with her. Doubt anyone else on here would have either.

LouBlue1507 · 27/06/2016 17:35

OP - So if you don't think the lady was trying to be helpful, what do you think she was trying to do??

Yes, she overstepped a mark but she wasn't trying to lead your child away and kidnap her, She was trying to get her safety across the car park to the shop that she assumed you were trying to get to...

It sounds to me like you were/are a bit embarrassed that your child listened to a stranger rather than yourself...

mrsfuzzy · 27/06/2016 17:36

strangers aren't always the problem, a lot of problems occur from relatives and parents, being a survivor of this as a child, i'm all too aware that some times a child should be aware of all people's intentions. can understand why op reacted like this though, some people are being a bit hard on her imo.

StarryIllusion · 27/06/2016 17:39

If you were over by the trolleys and thought you were not close enough for the woman to have heard you, is it possible she may have thought your dd was lost? Apologies if I have misread something, I'm a little confused honestly.

UptownFunk00 · 27/06/2016 17:41

IT seems a bit strange to me. Just going up to a random child and holding their hand. Why not ask the parent first?

I know as a young child I found it odd.
But tbf I'm VI and the amount of adults who manhandle me without asking is just odd.

So to me fine if you ask can I help but not just taking it upon yourself.

BlurryFace · 27/06/2016 17:41

Sounds like she was being a stupid cow with zero social awareness. I would flip my lid, WHY would anyone think it's okay to take a kid off their mum and lead them off without checking? It would be easy for a large group to get between you and the woman and break the line of sight if the shop were busy.