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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU - woman taking dd's hand

360 replies

wheresthel1ght · 27/06/2016 16:15

To start out I don't think I was being unreasonable and if anything I think I should have done more but would appreciate some outside input as I have an anxiety disorder and not sure that I wasn't seeing this situation as more than it was.

Pulled into the car park at our local Home Bargains store and was getting dd out the car. She is massively independent but still only 2.10 so I insist on her holding my hand as she has little road sense as with most kids her age. She was refusing and was holding her hands together saying she was being friends I could bloody murder Justin fletcher. Next thing I know some random woman is saying to dd "come and hold my hand" dd obliged and the woman started to walk dd towards the shop.

I grabbed dd's hand and said something along the lines of "this way darling we need to get a trolley" and pulled her away from the woman. I then tried to tell dd that we don't talk to strangers and we never hold hands with them because not all stranger are nice people. The woman must have heard me and as I walked past her in the shop she told me I was rude and unkind and she was only trying to help.

Wibu? I never said anything to her but I wanted to tell her to get her hands off my dd.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 28/06/2016 11:51

Several adults watched Jamie Bulger being led off to his death, even though they were suspicious/uneasy of what they were seeing because they didn't want to "interfere".

Following his death I vowed I would always "interfere" if I thought a child was lost or in danger. But a lot of adults (esp men) now won't get involved for fear of allegations. I don't think that makes my children safer at all.

In this case it wasn't a matter of safety, or attempted abduction, but the OP was still damn rude.

Costaflyby11 · 28/06/2016 12:01

I see your point, but I sort of feel like you're point argues my point too! Surely that was a stranger danger situation that people should be taught about? And I'm not expert on the case nor was I there, but perhaps people didn't intervene not because they were worried, but because they were so blatant and casual about it that they didn't realise it was a kidnapping at all!

Apple I 100% accept that there are people who just want to help and coo over babies, and when my DC was younger and still now to a certain extent I delighted in people paying him attention, but the massive mistake I believe this woman made and something that would make me feel uncomfortable is she made no attempt to communicate with the op, she just trotted over and led the child away, perhaps if the op had said something along the lines of 'thanks for trying to help but I have no idea who you are and you just walked off with my child! That could be scary for some people, perhaps next time you should let the parent know you're going to help so there's no confusion' we'd all feel a bit happier about it? Just a quick 'here let me help' to the op would have made all the difference to this argument imho

kawliga · 28/06/2016 14:49

In this case it wasn't a matter of safety, or attempted abduction, but the OP was still damn rude.

It is acceptable to be damn rude to someone who takes your child by the hand and leads them away, even if the person is very lovely and is only trying to help.

OP, you need to own your action. Yes, some people think you were rude, so what? I would have done exactly the same and really wouldn't be worrying that people think I'm rude.

Original poster
wheresthel1ght · 28/06/2016 14:55

Apple she was not walking on the same trajectory as me because dd and i were stood still. she had absolutely no idea where we were going because at no point did i say to myself or dd which shop i was going in and she never bothered to ask before taking my daughters hand and waltzing away with her. How that isn't the definition of snatching is beyond me. she took my daughter away without consent - that is my issue.

There was also no 'helping me across a road' because;
a) there was no road to cross
b) dd wasn't darting around out of control. She was stood still on the pavement in front of me

I genuinely don't know where some of you are getting your 'facts' or what you are reading but it sure as hell isn't my posts!

OP posts:
Original poster
wheresthel1ght · 28/06/2016 14:56

and yes i am questioning why taking my daughter back when some complete random stranger has grabbed her hand and led her away is rude. Surely you would all do the same??

OP posts:
kawliga · 28/06/2016 15:12

OP, why do you care this much whether you were rude? You haven't answered that. You just keep repeating that you don't think you were rude. But obviously many posters think you were. Why do you care that much? So what if you were rude? Will you only protect your daughter if you can do so politely and with finesse?

Which of these is your first priority:

  1. Being polite and never be rude to anyone
  2. Protecting your child.
PrivatePike · 28/06/2016 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
wheresthel1ght · 28/06/2016 16:07

kawliga - i guess because i don't understand why it is seen as rude to take back my own daughter after some random had waltzed off with her without my consent.

Private - why have you commented?

OP posts:
PrivatePike · 28/06/2016 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
wheresthel1ght · 28/06/2016 16:31

I have made that point several times private. Perhaps you should rtt

OP posts:
PrivatePike · 28/06/2016 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kawliga · 28/06/2016 16:57

I think what private is trying to say is:

OP: was I rude?
MN: yes, you were damn rude
OP: No I wasn't, I don't understand why I was rude

There. Is that clearer now, OP? I'm actually on your side because I think it is perfectly acceptable to be damn rude in the defence of one's child and I hate the idea that women are always supposed to be polite. Fuck that.

Pinkladyof66 · 28/06/2016 17:34

Sorry but agree woman out of order if anyone find that to my son who wasn't family or close friend they would too get a scolding off me

impossible · 28/06/2016 17:47

YABU very! She was trying to help and you were present. Be careful not to confuse your dd - one day she may need to approach a stranger for help. It happened to my dcs and to me as a child. Give her some guidelines but dont give her the impression all stangers are bad.

SirChenjin · 28/06/2016 17:49

MN: yes, you were damn rude

No - some posters said she was rude, others didn't.

Pike - grab a tissue and dry your eyes. It's only MN, not worth getting crying over.

craftycarls · 28/06/2016 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Merinda · 28/06/2016 17:52

I have not read the thread, assume passions are raging as it is 11 pages long.
For what it's worth, I would have done the same. Full stop.
The lady should have known better than interfere.

pontynan · 28/06/2016 17:53

YABU She was trying to help, she did it in full view of you and learning how to deal with strangers is a complex lesson. Only focussing on 'stranger danger' could end up with your child being paranoid about all strangers and reluctant to seek the help of an adult if she gets lost or is in trouble. If you snatched her hand away and then gave her a warning about some strangers not being nice I'm not surprised the woman was upset. The lesson you gave to your daughter was basically 'it's OK to be rude to strangers'.

hazeimcgee · 28/06/2016 17:59

Actuallt totally with OP. TOTALLY inapprorpriate to walk up to a strange child, take her hand and walk off and totally appropriate to tell DD not to go off witg strangers. Sure woman was TRYING to help but she wasn't in the right and jopefully next time she'll think twice

Merinda · 28/06/2016 18:00

The message she gave to her daughter was that it was rude for a stranger to barge in and interrupt a parent-child conversation.
What the lady did was uninvited, uncalled for and unnecessary. The concept that "she was trying to help" is strange, because she was not helping in any way.

leannerosecooper · 28/06/2016 18:04

It is rude when strangers butt in. She shouldn't have involved herself. You done the right thing as if your dd is allowed to talk to and follow strangers when you're around, she wont see a problem with it when she is alone - when she is in potential danger. that woman may have been trying to help but dd would probably take any person as being nice, so yes she does need to be told by you that not everyone is nice.

kawliga · 28/06/2016 18:05

No - some posters said she was rude, others didn't. OK, I'll fix it:

OP: was I rude?
half MN: yes, damn rude
half MN: no, you were not rude
OP: I wasn't rude, those saying I was rude, I don't understand why you think I was rude.

OP, if you still don't understand after 11 pages it's probably time to call it.

Cubtrouble · 28/06/2016 18:09

Op. You did not over react. You do NOT take the hand of a strangers child and lead it into a shop. That's a no.

Stranger danger is NOT outdated. Unless you're telling me every paedophile, murderibg child abducting rapist fucking pervert has been removed from this planet.

Trying telling the mothers of poor children like Jamie Bulger.

I don't actually give a crap if you were rude or not. If your child won't walk you carry her and stick her in a trolley. End of story. A stranger has no business and no right to touch your child.

If she thought you were rude it's a bloody good job she didn't try to with me.

Fucking dogooders

BlueStockingUK · 28/06/2016 18:09

STRANGER DANGER IS OUTDATED??????????? what an incredibly stupid statement !

As kind as the lady's intentions seemed, she should have asked, 'Can I help' 'Does she want to hold my hand'? she didn't and suffered the consequences. Your child, so your in charge.
Times sadly have changed, you'd have to live in a cave to not know this.

dotdotdotmustdash · 28/06/2016 18:16

When my (ASD) Ds was 9 my DH had him and Dd in a large supermarket on a dark winter's evening. Ds was loitering by the books and DH got frustrated and told him that he would leave without him (a daft thing to say to a concrete-thinker!). When Ds finally looked up he couldn't see his Dad so he ran to the front of the store and thought he saw our car leaving the car park.

Ds dissolved into floods of tears at the front of the shop and a lady stopped to comfort him. He told her that his Dad had driven away and left him there alone. She put him in her car and drove off with him. For forty minutes my Dh and the store staff searched for my boy without success. They were very nearly at the point of calling 999.

During this time my DM had a knock at her door and a very angry lady presented my Ds to her and gave her a mouthful about terrible parents who leave their children in supermarkets! Apparently he had managed to direct her to our house but when she found it empty he had directed her to his Grandparent's home.

I was bemused by this story when I heard about. What was she thinking? Who would do that? But, despite it being a stupid thing to do, she genuinely thought she was doing something useful, however misguided.

I chose not to report it to the Police because I was just glad to have my son back safe and I believe she would have been difficult to trace.

I think you should forget the incident OP, she wasn't trying to do any harm. Any woman abducting a child from their mother and walking into the same shop would be a highly unusual crime. Keep perspective.