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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU - woman taking dd's hand

360 replies

wheresthel1ght · 27/06/2016 16:15

To start out I don't think I was being unreasonable and if anything I think I should have done more but would appreciate some outside input as I have an anxiety disorder and not sure that I wasn't seeing this situation as more than it was.

Pulled into the car park at our local Home Bargains store and was getting dd out the car. She is massively independent but still only 2.10 so I insist on her holding my hand as she has little road sense as with most kids her age. She was refusing and was holding her hands together saying she was being friends I could bloody murder Justin fletcher. Next thing I know some random woman is saying to dd "come and hold my hand" dd obliged and the woman started to walk dd towards the shop.

I grabbed dd's hand and said something along the lines of "this way darling we need to get a trolley" and pulled her away from the woman. I then tried to tell dd that we don't talk to strangers and we never hold hands with them because not all stranger are nice people. The woman must have heard me and as I walked past her in the shop she told me I was rude and unkind and she was only trying to help.

Wibu? I never said anything to her but I wanted to tell her to get her hands off my dd.

OP posts:
Original poster
wheresthel1ght · 28/06/2016 06:45

Apple how exactly was I rude? This woman walked up and basically snatched my dd away and waltzed off with her. How is that ok but taking my dd back is not?

I am not despairing that her intentions may have been wholly good, however there is the possibility however slim that they were not. How am I wrong for protecting my dd?

I am genuinely aghast that some people think this woman's actions were OK. I have spoken to a few people people on RL who have all said she was out of line and if anything in my place they would have flipped. My dp (dd's dad) used similar phrases to splandy's dh!

OP posts:
kawliga · 28/06/2016 06:49

OP, why do you care whether you were rude or not? Honestly, if someone tried to take my dd for whatever reason good or bad I wouldn't be concerned about being rude to them. So what if you were rude? Why are you so vested in getting people to say you were not rude? Are you going to protect your dd only in cases where you can do so politely?

TutanKaDashian · 28/06/2016 07:08

I can't believe the posters who are sticking up for the woman who was walking off with the OPs child ShockShockI am more and more surprised with what I read on here everyday. Can anyone who stuck up for this woman total weirdo HONESTLY say that they wouldn't have wanted to rip her head off for doing that. I know I would have done. No parent thinks that their child is going to be the next James Bulger or Madeline McCann but it can happen. You were totally right to pull her up on it OP and I would have done the same.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 28/06/2016 07:11

I bet the reactions on here would have been very different if the interfering woman had been a man.

OP, YANBU. The woman both overstepped a boundary and acted unwisely (laying herself open to suspicion). Young dc need to be clear about never going off with anyone without their parents' consent; esp when they are so small, that needs to be an absolute. And I am bemused that so many people seem to think that (younger) women are supposed to suck up interference from (older) women with their children in the name of being 'nice' and 'not rude'.

ChorusLine69 · 28/06/2016 07:14

Yanbu - the woman shouldn't have got involved and it wasn't helpful even if that is what she intended - she really should have known better than to do that and I don't blame you for how you felt/ reacted, I know I'd feel the same way

Original poster
wheresthel1ght · 28/06/2016 07:15

Kawilga I'm not, I came here to ask if iwbu at taking my dd back because the woman said I was rude and I couldn't see it. As I have explained before I have an anxiety disorder so my take on normal is often not what others think it is. In this case it was correct and I was right to take dd back.

Tutan just to clarify I said absolutely nothing to the random woman. I did not insult her, take her to task or in any way interact with her even when she accosted me in the shop. I wanted to and should have but I questioned whether I was judging correctly. I still think I was though

OP posts:
user838383 · 28/06/2016 07:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Newmanwannabe · 28/06/2016 07:21

I think it is important to teach children it is ok to talk to strangers and accept help from them when they are with you because you are a grown up and able to make safe decisions. Otherwise she might get scared of everyone all the time

MeMySonAndl · 28/06/2016 07:22

Frankly, this stranger danger philosophy is the reason why children are battered, neglected or can walk for miles in distress with a stranger without anyone checking if things are ok.

If by caring and being friendly you are going to face the wrath of a paranoid parent, you just turn the other way and mind your own business.

Costaflyby11 · 28/06/2016 07:32

Memysonandi are you suggesting that children battered and neglected in their own homes are not picked up upon because of people been aware of stranger danger?

Chchchchangeabout · 28/06/2016 07:33

YANBU

MeMySonAndl · 28/06/2016 07:39

Yes, I am. People quiet their concerns to stay away of possible confrontation. People offer no help at the risk of being criticised for caring,

That is the down side of the stranger danger paranoia. The child learns to fear the stranger, the stranger learns to fear the mother.

Costaflyby11 · 28/06/2016 07:42

I call bullshit on that, I do not believe for a second people would not report something if they thought a child was been neglected or abused because of stranger danger?! Ringing the police or reporting something to the relevant safeguarding bodies has nothing to do with going up to someone and leading their child away?! Hmm It's not even related!

Costaflyby11 · 28/06/2016 07:44

And can I just add in a safeguarding situation concerning a child or adult for that matter people are not supposed to confront people, they are supposed to ring the police, confronting someone in a situation like that is dangerous for everybody involved, mostly the child/person needing help!

RebelRogue · 28/06/2016 07:51

I love how it went from a woman told dd "here take my hand" and started walking to the shop to she snatched my dd and walked off

GreatFuckability · 28/06/2016 07:52

She was clearly trying to help.
She over-stepped a little bit.
You over-reacted a little bit.
No harm was done.
Failing to see the drama.

Only1scoop · 28/06/2016 07:58

Rebel

I agree, the story has somewhat mutated into something resembling a scene with The child catcher.

MeMySonAndl · 28/06/2016 08:02

Daniel Pelka and Liam Fee are perfect examples of what I'm saying, Costal.

This culture of assuming strangers are dangerous mans that no one wants to be the stranger whose actions were misinterpreted.

WorraLiberty · 28/06/2016 09:43

God this thread is like groundhog day.

Quite a few people have told you, you were rude OP and you keep coming back with the same old, same old...."But how was I rude? Can you explain how I was rude"?

So they explain how you were rude (again) and the next the person who says you were rude, you ask the same thing "But how was I rude? Can you explain how I was rude"?

What's the point? Confused

PurpleRainDiamondsandPearls · 28/06/2016 10:26

Everyone is majorly overreacting on here. The woman overstepped the mark and was bolshy. She should have known that you don't interfere in situations like this. She could have, at least, asked. The OP worrying about paedophile rings is insanely OTT. It was right in front of her nose!

Stranger danger is important. Teaching your child to risk assess safely is part of that. Children won't be able to ascertain risks if their parent sees the worst in everything and is hysterical.

AppleSetsSail · 28/06/2016 10:30

I love how it went from a woman told dd "here take my hand" and started walking to the shop to she snatched my dd and walked off

Indeed.

She was walking along the same trajectory as you, into the same store as you, in your sight at all times. She in no way 'snatched' your daughter. Can you see that?

You were rude because this woman, although clearly not observant of boundaries, was trying to help you out. She probably has not much going on in her life to over-help strangers in this way.

Farmmummy · 28/06/2016 10:31

Sorry no I don't think you overreacted at all OP. You were polite about it (very under the circumstances) but in my opinion it's never ok to just come and take someone else's child by the hand, maybe this is just because I'm a child "of the troubles" in NI but I don't think so. I also don't think it's ok to intervene so directly with a strangers child at all, the it takes a village part I'm fine with so long as it's friends and family but personally this does not extend to strangers

TWOBANANAS · 28/06/2016 10:36

No, you're not being unreasonable. I wouldn't have been comfortable with it either. Stick to what you think is best.

Costaflyby11 · 28/06/2016 11:37

Yes from what op says she seems to have been trying to help, but in what sane persons mind is leading a child from its parent with out a word or a look to the parent a sensible thing to do! For the sake of this woman she should have been told how socially unacceptable this was!

Yes more often than not it's a family member or friend who is more dangerous to a child than a stranger, but the 2 aren't mutually exclusive, they both happen! Therefore we should teach our children the danger signs of both, not just pick the more likely one and ignore the rest! That's ridiculous!

AppleSetsSail · 28/06/2016 11:51

For the sake of this woman she should have been told how socially unacceptable this was!

This much we can agree upon - if she were my mother, I would have told her. Although this would have inevitably resulted in her feeling chastened, isolated and sorry for herself, watching people struggle who really need help and not feeling like she could step in, etc.

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