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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to fly home with 1 child

141 replies

waitingforsomething · 23/06/2016 07:25

Dd is 3.7. Ds is about to turn 1. I'm living abroad and although had no plans to return to the UK yet, am feeling homesick so am going to book a flight home for me and DD for around 10 days. The flight is very very long and involves being quite jetlagged. Dh can't come because he is working so the plan was to go with dd so we can see friends and grandparents. ds will be looked after by dh weekends, overnight and Morning and evening and our nanny will look after him during week days.
The reason for this is because flying so far with 2 on my own is really hard when he's so little and the jetlag is extra tough on him. My pils have gone bananas over this saying I am awful to leave him for 10/11 days, he will miss me and it's not fair. I think it's less fair to take him- he doesn't really mind where he is as long as he's happy and he will be with his own dad.
Aibu? Should I take both?

OP posts:
KittyLaRoux · 23/06/2016 07:32

He one. He is being left with his dad and the nanny he knows in familiar surroundings. Much less stressful than a longhaul flight.
You can skype him daily so he can see you.
He will be absolutly fine. Ignore pil.

mummytime · 23/06/2016 07:52

Do PIL not get to see him, but would if you took him? Or do they just think mothers should look after babies?

Original poster
waitingforsomething · 23/06/2016 07:56

They're coming out in October so will see him. I guess it's more that they think I shouldn't be able to be separated from my child without feeling guilty. I would take them both in an ideal world but it is stressful for all of us and especially him.

OP posts:
LetThereBeCupcakes · 23/06/2016 07:59

I think the fact you have a nanny makes a big difference. Presumably your DS has a bond with her and she knows his routines etc well. It's different to leaving him in a less familiar environment.

Go for it! Your DD will probably really appreciate the one on one time with you.

LetThereBeCupcakes · 23/06/2016 08:00

The only other possibility would be to take both children AND the nanny.

Northernlurker · 23/06/2016 08:00

I suspect your inlaws really want to see the baby. I presume taking the baby AND the nanny with you is a non-starter? If that's the case then Yanbu to just take dd. Have a lovely visit.

Savemefromwine · 23/06/2016 08:01

Of course not op. He will be fine with daddy and nanny.

Tell your dh to handle his parents.

Have a great time

LIZS · 23/06/2016 08:13

Is it not possible for your nanny to accompany you?

PurpleDaisies · 23/06/2016 08:18

He's staying with his dad. That's fine. I'm sure they'll have a lovely time together. Have your PIL forgotten that your husband is also you son's parent? I can understand them wanting to see him but criticising you for daring to be separated from him is out of order.

GnomeDePlume · 23/06/2016 08:19

How long have you been abroad?

I am not questioning you leaving your DD just that my experience of homesickness was that a visit home didnt help. If anything it probably made it worse.

Artandco · 23/06/2016 08:21

It's fine leaving them at home with dad and nanny. They will be fine and happy

However in your situation I would take both tbh as your so far away, and it would be nice for everyone to see 1 year old who I assume many have only seen once.

It's sounds daunting flying with two but it's fine really. Your eldest is actually closer to 4 than 3 years old, so he's not a baby either. At 3 1/2 on a plane he can be told the rules. Can use sticker books/ watch films/ snack/ nap/ stay in seat whilst you change 1 year old nappy for example or outside toilet door fine. A plane is a safe place and they are contained. You could give him the job of 'big brother' and say he is so big and helpful you need him to show 1 year old how to sit nicely and play with toys on plane.

I have two with a year gap. Every flight seems daunting at first, but really nothing has happened, and travel has been fine.

Take folding pram and sling. Then if needed you can always put eldest in pram and 1 year old in sling on your back to get around airport fast ( but my tip would be let both walk if they aren't tired as wears them out)

GnomeDePlume · 23/06/2016 08:21

Sorry, just re-read, you will be taking DD and leaving DS. No criticism of that from me. I traveled for work a lot when my DCs were small. They were left with their DF and were quite happy in familiar places.

mrsmortis · 23/06/2016 08:29

I travel 3 nights a week for work. People keep asking me who's looking after the kids etc. It drives me up the wall as no one would even consider asking that question if it was my DH doing the travelling.

Think about if your PIL would have the same issue if it was your DH flying home with one kid and leaving the other with you.

BabyGanoush · 23/06/2016 08:32

you sound sensible, I was in your shoes about 10 years ago (lived a 17 hr flight away) and flying with a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old on your own is hellish, so totally get it.

I never left one behind, but can't put my finger on why. Thinking out loud. I guess I felt that if my youngest would have gotten sick, I would have hated being so far away from him.

My SIL ended up flying home with her small children taking the nanny with her.

So there are options, it is up to you, and homesickness is hard.

Do what suits you and forget the PIL. or maybe one of the PIL can come to you and assist you during the flight with 2 little ones...or maybe not Wink

LillianGish · 23/06/2016 08:33

What Artandco said. I used to do this - flying with two sounds much more daunting than it actually is. I have a two year age gap - my DD was always super helpful and made to feel extremely grown up. If you do it make sure you three seats though - even though baby could technically go on your lap.

PirateFairy45 · 23/06/2016 08:37

Personally I couldn't leave one child behind.

Mycraneisfixed · 23/06/2016 08:40

I'd certainly take just the oldest. DS will be fine with the childcare arrangement you have in place. The PIL are being selfish.

lill72 · 23/06/2016 08:44

I have done long haul (ie 24 hours) with my DD - at 9 weeks, 2 nd 3 and I would not be wanting to take two. No way! One is hard enough. I almost had a meltdown on my last flight as my 3 year old would not go to sleep and was over tired. do not put yourself through it.

Anway - I thought you weren;t allowed to fly long haul with two under five?

Artandco · 23/06/2016 08:49

Lilli - of course you can. The only difficulty is two under two as they need to be on you lap for take off and landing. I have done this though with pre booked flight assistance ( air hostess sits with one child on their lap for take off and landing). Over 2 they sit in own seat for take off and landing so no issue.

zahaziland · 23/06/2016 08:52

I travel regularly for work, and my DS stays with his DF and our nanny when my DH is at work during the day.
It works absolutely fine.

Pootles2010 · 23/06/2016 08:54

So by their reckoning he'd miss you but not his dad? Absolute cobblers. Your way sounds very sensible.

GreenSand · 23/06/2016 08:55

No problems with that arrangement.
I take 2 round the world on my own. BUT, and this is the big one, they were 4 and 6 before we moved. Those with 2 preschoolers look at me as if I've grown 2 heads when I mention I fly on my own, and I don't blame them. I really don't fancy having to juggle 2 unpredictable little people through airports on my own. Give it another 18 months, and consider it on your own.

The other possibility, if people are objecting to not getting to see your son, would be to offer the Nanny a holiday to UK. Would she like flights paid to UK, and then a holiday on her own, maybe subsided by you depending on her earnings, and then fly back with you, or stay with you for the holiday? That is one to consider for now it future.

2 under 2 I can see concerns with. I'd be really interested if there are restrictions on 2 under 5 for long haul. That could cause issues for loads if expats.

ArcheryAnnie · 23/06/2016 09:05

If you PILs haven't made a big fuss about how it is unfair on your DD that she will be away from your DH for so long, will miss him, etc, and he should drop everything and come with you...

...then they can do one, seriously.

Your DS will be absolutely fine. Your DD will probably really enjoy some uninterrupted one to one time with you.

SarahJane333 · 23/06/2016 09:06

I think that's awful, seems to me you just can't be bothered with looking after ds on the flight. I wouldn't dream of leaving one of mine behind. Just out of interest is she a proper nanny, qualified, first aid certificates and so on? Or is she a 'housemaid' who does childcare too?

KittyLaRoux · 23/06/2016 09:11

SarahJane333

I think that's awful, seems to me you just can't be bothered with looking after ds on the flight. I wouldn't dream of leaving one of mine behind. Just out of interest is she a proper nanny, qualified, first aid certificates and so on? Or is she a 'housemaid' who does childcare too?

Hmm

Wow your nice.
The OP is far from awful for not wanting all three to be stressed, tired and jet lagged. I cannot even imagine how difficult a longhaul flight with 2 young children would be.
Hoik down those judgey pants you may end up choking yourself which would serve you right

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