to fly home with 1 child

[waitingforsomething]

Dd is 3.7. Ds is about to turn 1. I'm living abroad and although had no plans to return to the UK yet, am feeling homesick so am going to book a flight home for me and DD for around 10 days. The flight is very very long and involves being quite jetlagged. Dh can't come because he is working so the plan was to go with dd so we can see friends and grandparents. ds will be looked after by dh weekends, overnight and Morning and evening and our nanny will look after him during week days.
The reason for this is because flying so far with 2 on my own is really hard when he's so little and the jetlag is extra tough on him. My pils have gone bananas over this saying I am awful to leave him for 10/11 days, he will miss me and it's not fair. I think it's less fair to take him- he doesn't really mind where he is as long as he's happy and he will be with his own dad.
Aibu? Should I take both?

Is this where I admit that before DD1 turned to she'd be left alone with her Dad for a whole month - twice. I am the main breadwinner and work sent me to the US for two short term assignments.

Obviously I'm an atrocious mother for even considering it. Never mind that she was with her dad who had support from the Grandparents. Never mind that if I hadn't done it we wouldn't have been able to pay the mortgage and would therefore have been homeless.

mrsmortis I left DD at 3 to go on holiday. On holiday. We should wear hair shirts and beat ourselves with switches. FOR SHAME.

OP please ignore all the ignorant comments on here about DS suffering from abandonment issues if you leave him with his dad and nanny for 10 days. When dd2 was a similar age I was very ill and in hospital for nearly 3 months - both of mine ended up being looked after by DH and nanny - neither of them is any the worse for it.

For goodness sake ignore your in laws and all the precious mummies and go if you want to. I hope you and dd have a great trip.

waitingforsomething there is evidence in the form of a study that the mother being away from their under-two-yearold for this type of period of time could be harmful.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3115616/

I would tend to think this is not necessarily about the mum verses the dad but maybe about the primary carer verses the other significant carer, but I do not know this for sure.

Strictly speaking there can only be one primary carer.

My dh and I both work, me part-time, him full-time. I've always worked (since dd was 8 months old, she's now 11) and I've always been the primary carer.

I've only known of one family where care was split equally between mum and dad/ the two carers. Whether the dad stays home or the mum works part-time or one mum does more (in a lesbian couple) or any other options etc etcm there is almost always one person who is the primary carer. That relationship is in my opinion a very important thing for the child.

I am guessing as you work less than your dh, waitingforsomething, you are the primary carer (but I could be wrong).

Your departure for 10 days will be IMHO a big deal for your son, despite the fact he is his own surroundings, sees his dad (presumably at night and weekends - as normal, perhaps; as mine does) and despite the fact your ds is with his nanny.

When you return he may be a bit 'off'with you, whether he is affected long term or not, I don't know. Unlike all the people saying he will be fine, I don't know.

As you have not, perhaps, thought about the attachment issues involved I would suggest you do look into it. Of course your son is securely attached now, but if you go away for 10 days could it affect him? Just as if your dh disappeared for a period of time and you had no idea where he was you would maybe view him with suspicion when he returned.

Will baby really not know where you are? I don't know. Maybe he will, maybe you will explain it to him and he will understand. I think it unlikely but ....

My 'experience' of this is looking into attachment, as we followed an 'attachment' style of parenting with our birth child, dd (now 11) and we were told and learnt a lot about attachment with our son (who joined us by adoption aged 3, two years ago).

10 days for you is very little, for him it is a much larger percentage of his life so far. I doubt he will understand the passage of time but he will experience it none the less. Plus he will not be able to gauge days and count down to your return (as you will be able to do when thinking about him).

I am a feminist and all for women's rights, of course, and the right to work, and the right to be away from one's kids, but I would simply say to look into any potential issues and make an informed decision. Not a decision based on whether most people think it is OK or most people think it is not OK.

All the best.

PS the other thing to say is you know your own child.....

The research linked to concludes that a child left with another attachment figure(s) is not going to be dramatically impacted by maternal separation.

I don't think it is sexist to point out that there may be a difference between the mum and the dad from the baby's point of view.

My kids adore their dad and he does a lot of childcare, night times, bed times - they still argue over who gets me reading stories or sitting with them at night, are more distressed when I am not there than when he is away, it is just a fact, despite how we have shared things, I am still the one they want when ill or anxious. The OP is an adult and feels homesick, but a one year old won't miss his mother?

The OP should do what she feels is right for her situation and family, but there isn't just one opinion on it, and it's not to do with making her feel guilty, but just talking about all sides of it.

OP Just concerned you're going on a ten-day holiday when according to your posts both you and DD will be jetlagged at least one end of it and possibly the other with 28 hours of flying. Because you're homesick? Seemingly you'll get 4 useful days out of it? If either or both DPs are ill I'd understand, otherwise it seems to be going to hell and back for very little uptime. And your DPs are coming out in four month's time? Not concerned about your DS DH and Nanny - sounds as if that's all hunky-dory.

Hi OP, I bet that although they are a small minority, the "you clearly don't love your child as much as I love mine" voices are the ones standing out for you on this thread. I fully disagree with them. You have considered the options for you and your family and it would be a real shame if a few strident strangers online, whose main goal appears to be to show what an amazing parent they are, would put you off.

I agree with you on the impact of jet lag on a baby - I experienced this with mine and the disruption lasted two full weeks (luckily it was a one-way flight). It is not negligible. It is of course not the end of the world either and can be overcome but if it is avoidable, then you are right to consider avoiding it.

I've also been the parent who stayed behind due to work commitments while my husband took our 16-month old son home for a fortnight, I did miss him and it was lovely to be reunited with him but I knew he was being well cared for by people who loved him absolutely. I have not yet seen him manifest any issues with abandonment or psychological trauma in the six months since. Equally, my lengthy stay in hospital when he was just three weeks old (and he couldn't visit due to infection risk) was upsetting for me but again, he was being lovingly cared for by his father and somehow we have managed to produce a loving mother-child close bond, again without attachment traumas.

Your parents in law seem to be motivated by their desire to see the baby. This is understandable but the way they are gong about it is all wrong and it is deeply unfair of them to lay guilt cards on you.

If you do want to reconsider though, is it an option to invite out the person(s) you miss most to visit you at your cost? Homesickness is very tough indeed and I hope you get over it. You are clearly a mother who loves her children very much, like every other parent on this thread. I can guarantee you will not inflict damage, lasting or otherwise, on your child if you do make his choice.

I think your plan is the best for all involved. I am sure your son will miss you and you will miss him but if you already know he will suffer from the flights why on earth would you put him through that if you don't need to?

cestlavielife I am not sure which part of this you are summerising from here?

Do you mean the bit that says "A maternal separation is quite likely not as distressing to an infant if he/she is left in the care of another attachment figure to whom he/she is securely attached."

I think the research is short enough for anyone to read through and pick out bits. Clearly there are different factors. Clearly this is research done by someone else, not mine, I've no idea how valid it is.

It does point out something interesting, "We find no association between early separation and maternal warmth, sensitivity, or detachment".

However, there is some evidence that the child may be affected.

I suggest people who are interested read it for themselves. It does sound like the research was done on situations not unlike the OP's, where a child's other parent or family member provides the care and where there is time for planning before the departure, so not an emergency situation. The research is from the USA.

whose main goal appears to be to show what an amazing parent they are, would put you off.

I think this is most unfair!

I am not a brilliant parent at all! I don't think the OP is a bad parent, she asked for views and people have shared them.

One could equally say the voices saying 'Go, all will be fine.' are doing so because this is what they did. And all appears to be fine for them.

No one is claiming to love their children more!

The research was disadvantaged families... I ve not seen anything to suggest the op or her family is disadvantaged. ..

I seriously don't think ten days away is going to cause lasting damage... when child is left with loving parent and caregiver

Oh my goodness.

The judgment from some of the posters here leaves me speechless.

I don't understand why people are talking about abandonment, psychological impact on the children, and whether the OP can look after two kids?

If OP was a Dad and needing to go on a business trips, would all these questions arise? 

If OP was going to the UK for work, would these questions arise? Kinda almost the same debate as mums who go back to work.

Waitingforsomething - I live 26 hrs flight away from home and had to make the same decision recently. I ended up taking my 7 month old DD, and left my 3 year old DS at home with DH, day time nursery and our nanny that he's known since he was born. DH and DS flew out 2 weeks later to meet us and we all flew back together later. I had the same issue that there was no room for my nanny / the cost but I also wanted just to spend time with my parents.

I did consider bringing DS as well and was so grateful I didn't. DD ended up being sick the entire flight, she developed a fever & conjunctivitis in the 2nd leg. I carried her most of the 26 hours - it would have been pretty hard to manage a 3 year old on top of that. Everyone says "oh yes taking two is fine" its not just the flight but what if the kids are sick and most of all as you point out the jet lag. My DD and I were sick/jet lagged for the 2 weeks that followed, and my parents were so helpful but I was still relieved I only brought one on my own. I think I'd find it much easier when they are a little older, maybe 3 and 5.

I think your DS will be fine and DH will love the one to one time with him. I've had to make work trips and I do miss DS everytime but he has so much fun with DH on the weekends.

If you have reservations then that's a different matter but if it's just PIL I'd go with what you decided originally.

Good luck for the flight, and have a great visit home.

OP please ignore all this nonsense - 10 days for a child of this age out of a lifetime -it is absolute rubbish. There are lots of women like me who had no choice at all about whether or not to see your children - and they are absolutely fine so long as they are left with people they know - ie Dad and nanny. Anyone quoting from spurious studies who has not been in this position is talking out of their backside IMO.

If you want to go - go - and well doe for not putting a small child through the hell of a 14 hour flight...

I took my 2 home from Oz.

Dd1 was not quite 3, dd2 was 14mo.

It wasn't easy, but I paid for a seat for dd2 so we could have the space.

Dd2 was put into my back carrier, and dd1 was walking by this point.

I too was homesick. It sucks op

"I seriously don't think ten days away is going to cause lasting damage"

I id not say lasting damage I posted the link to the study.

The OP asked for opinions.

Anyone quoting from spurious studies who has not been in this position is talking out of their backside IMO

Lovely and you are quoting from..... ah that's right your own opinions.

I am afraid I'm out waitingforsomething, feel free to PM me if you like but I won't stick around so people can be rude t me.

You clearly want to do what is right for your child (I have never disputed that) and I hope you will be happy with whatever you decide.

Wow what on earth do the judgy posters think of mothers in the military? Who can be away for up to 8 months!

Op I don't see a problem with leaving ds behind but...having lived overseas myself going back for a visit while homesick is never a good idea. How long you been out there?

Harsh posts recently. There are some judgemental posts here but Italian's is not one of them. It's exactly the sort of thing I'd be researching if I had this decision to make.

OP works and her child is presumably well attached to dad and nanny, so it's not like she's leaving a child who's never had her out of his sight. But it's not ridiculous, judgemental or sexist to bring up the notion of attachment theory and primary care giver in this context.

I am grateful for your thoughts and opinions. Italian sorry if you feel people are being rude to you- grateful also for your thoughts.
I know some of you feel that homesickness is not a big deal but really I am finding it debilitating, verging on depression and I feel like I must visit home. My dd also misses her friends and would like to see them. I'm afraid it's not 'just' homesickness and dd coped fine with the jetlag last time, just a couple of days for her but 8 for ds. My ds was too young to have any friends and has no idea of course!
I would miss him, of course, but I very much trust my husband who adores him. Dh goes away for regular work trips of between 7-10 days, my children seem to love him just the same when he gets back!
I have plenty of food for thought here and will ponder over the next day or two.

"Wow what on earth do the judgy posters think of mothers in the military? Who can be away for up to 8 months!

I think it's not ideal and I think it's fine to say that. But hopefully their father or another relative will be the main attachment figure hence limiting possible issues. Fwiw my father was military and away for six months at a time often in high conflict situations. I believe there is some research to support the theory that the brains of children who are aware that their parents are in high risk situations develop differently. I can't remember where I read it though so can't link, sorry.

Homesickness IS a big deal wasn't being dismissive of that but going home at the height of it can make things worse.

Re attachment THEORIES theories are ideas and research can prove just about anything you want it to. Everyone has an agenda.

Oh sorry bacon I didn't really mean you just further down the line. I do know what you mean- it's possible a visit home could make things worse anyway.

I live abroad also. I have gone back for various visits with just one child, leaving the other 2 behind. I haven't done it for 10 days (mostly because of work really) but more like 5 days but it was fine.

Dh minded the ones left behind. Why wouldn't it be fine - he is their dad.

I understand about homesickness too. It is an actual emotion different to any other and also feels physical. I used to burst into tears in the street at the beginning. I had an argument with a "friend" once who said "oh you were depressed then, you should have been treated for that". I wasn't depressed I was homesick which is a perfectly reasonable reaction to moving from your home.

OP if does get better and after a few months my instances of homesickness were very few. A friend who had moved from Ireland to London gave me some really good advice she said "what will happen is you will go on a holiday or go home for a visit and when you get back you will walk into your home and say -- oh I'm glad to be home" that happened me. We went home, came back and my neighbour had left a pint of milk in the fridge and a bunch of flowers on the table and I thought "I'm home".

I think you should go and go guilt-free.

I think he's too little and IME a baby around 1 is A LOT easier to travel with long haul than a 3.7 yo.