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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to fly home with 1 child

141 replies

waitingforsomething · 23/06/2016 07:25

Dd is 3.7. Ds is about to turn 1. I'm living abroad and although had no plans to return to the UK yet, am feeling homesick so am going to book a flight home for me and DD for around 10 days. The flight is very very long and involves being quite jetlagged. Dh can't come because he is working so the plan was to go with dd so we can see friends and grandparents. ds will be looked after by dh weekends, overnight and Morning and evening and our nanny will look after him during week days.
The reason for this is because flying so far with 2 on my own is really hard when he's so little and the jetlag is extra tough on him. My pils have gone bananas over this saying I am awful to leave him for 10/11 days, he will miss me and it's not fair. I think it's less fair to take him- he doesn't really mind where he is as long as he's happy and he will be with his own dad.
Aibu? Should I take both?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 23/06/2016 09:45

waitingforsomething I know you are already re-thinking so I don't want to distress you or anything but you did ask for opinions.

I'd never leave my child, of one, in another country and I think that the journey (although it will be hard of course) will be over quite soon.

Your son would see his extended family and be with you, which would all be much better than being at home with his nanny.

I'd also worry that your daughter and son would miss each other, 10 days is a long time at such a young age.

I am sure he will be safe where ever he is but personally for me it would be a no-brainer, I'd take lots of things for dd to do and just get through the journey like a long and boring day at work.

Whatever you choose, good luck. Thanks

SarahJane333 · 23/06/2016 09:48

If you can afford a proper nanny (which will cost at least 15k a year, if not more) why not just take her with you and put her in a premier inn? Long haul flights aren't that bad once you're on the plane, the anticipation is the worst part of it. Your 3 year old will be pretty easy and the baby would be fine, just do split shifts with the nanny. As for the jet lag, babies will just get on with it.

Of course everyone parents differently but I would never leave my 1 year old for 10 days just because I was homesick, especially when there are so many other options available to you.

And Ninja yes I am 😀

Zebrasinpyjamas · 23/06/2016 09:48

I think your plan is fine. I would miss DS horribly but he'd be fine if he was with his DF! As many have already said, your DC will have familiar people to look after him- you are not abandoning him. Under the age of 2 my DS took 2 days to settle into new surroundings which would be worse if jet lag was a factor.

I suspect if this was a dad planning an absence you wouldn't get the same comments!

Original poster
waitingforsomething · 23/06/2016 09:51

Italian thanks for your post, gives me a couple of things to think about and kindly written. I did indeed ask for opinions and am offended by no one!

Sarah Jane im afraid you have no idea of my finances, the cost of my nanny or what we have left in my account at the end of the month to pay for flights and hotels for extra people. Nor do I have to tell you.

OP posts:
Original poster
waitingforsomething · 23/06/2016 09:52

I know you don't believe me sarah jane but taking the nanny is not one of my options. I really can't say it again!

OP posts:
Hardtodeal · 23/06/2016 09:56

I'd do it - there's such a massive world of difference between one 3 yo and adding a 1yo to the mix! You're not leaving DS with wolves or anything - sure you'll miss him but 10 days is hardly a lifetime and plenty of people spend longer periods than that away from their children. You could probably Skype every day once you got the timezones sorted out!

TheGoodEnoughWife · 23/06/2016 09:59

Oh my goodness. Just go, with your dd, and all will be well.

I hate this thing where the Dad is seen as a lesser parent. Your ds will having familiar people around him and his Dad. He will be fine. And it will be lovely for your daughter.

Hufflepuffin · 23/06/2016 10:02

If you take both, could you give the nanny the week "off" and get her to help with some of the jet lagged nights the other end?

Obeliskherder · 23/06/2016 10:02

Baby will be fine with dad and nanny. He wouldn't remember the holiday anyway, and he doesn't understand time concepts like we do. Even if he's got object permanence he will just live in the "now", he won't judge that you've been away x days.

Me, I might limit it to 7 days as 10-11 feels a bit too long, but that's a personal thing.

Play it by ear on the skype. His sense of time is different to ours. He also can't understand concepts like "abroad" and "5 more sleeps" or articulate any worries. It might be kinder not to keep pinging up on a screen without appearing IRL, if he is confused or upset afterwards.

sphinxster · 23/06/2016 10:02

Do people have any idea how expensive a uk visa is? And that it has to be applied for with the possibility it gets rejected?

Your son will be fine at home with his dad. Enjoy your trip with your daughter.

Tallulahoola · 23/06/2016 10:06

Wow, there are some harsh people on this thread Shock

If you were debating whether to leave him with someone he didn't know very well, then fine to consider other options. But you're leaving him with his father and his nanny! He will be absolutely fine.

My children are this age. I would do the same in your position, even though I don't think the flying with two children would be a problem because the 3yo would act quite grown up. And a 1yo could be fine, but equally he could hate the travelling, refuse to sleep, be jetlagged and miserable when you get there. At this age, with his DH and nanny there he won't miss you, and you'll get to have time with just your DD which is precious and quite a rare thing when you're usually looking after two.

Want2bSupermum · 23/06/2016 10:09

So I too live abroad and know exactly where you are coming from. I flew on my own with both kids before the third arrived. I wouldn't do it again.

NickiFury · 23/06/2016 10:10

" I hate this thing where the Dad is seen as a lesser parent."

On this entire thread I can't see where anyone has said or implied it, yet people keep insisting this is why some are of the opinion that the baby should go too Confused

SatsukiKusakabe · 23/06/2016 10:13

I completely understand why you don't want to fly with two, and it would be fine, you'd have a great bonding experience with your dd and your ds would get over it quickly once you return I guess.

Having said that I have to be honest there is no way I could have done this. I had such a visceral connection to my babies at that age I would have found this to be torture and they would have been bewildered if I just disappeared, despite a great relationship with their father, it was a different one. If you feel fine about it and more importantly feel he will be fine, then it is your decision to make and no one else's, so don't feel pressured by others. To me it wouldn't have been worth it, but I have not been in your situation.

eyebrowse · 23/06/2016 10:20

I've done this and you get lots of help at the airport but how well it works depends how supportive your family are when you are jetlagged. However a special holiday with just dd might work well - especially if you can do the opposite when ds is older.

FreshwaterSelkie · 23/06/2016 10:27

Your plan sounds good, don't rethink it! Your son will be fine.

Last week I was flying long haul and on a flight from Dubai to London I was sitting next to a woman with a 2 year old and an 8 month old who'd flown on her own with them from Kuala Lumpur. Neither child could settle, she was trying her best but they were all over the place. I'm not exaggerating when I say that one or other of them cried the entire 8 hours. She never got a break, even with the flight attendants helping as much as they could. She was on her knees, in tears of exhaustion. I can only imagine what continuing difficulties she had with the jetlag on top of the awful exhausting flight. She'd done it because she was homesick out there and wanted to see her mum, and boy, I bet she never needed her mum more than that day!

If you can avoid flying on your own with two littlies, then do and bugger what anyone except you and your husband think.

WhisperingLoudly · 23/06/2016 10:28

I've flown long haul with two under 18mths/2/3 you get the picture - you do get a lot of help and babies and jet lag are manageable.

sarahjayne asks a valid question. There is a huge difference between leaving DC with a qualified nanny and with a housemaid/nanny which is quite commonplace in Asia/ME

Original poster
waitingforsomething · 23/06/2016 10:34

Yeah it was a question which I already answered. She is a qualified nanny and a permanent resident of my host country. I disagree that it's a valid question - it's not what the thread is about. She is a qualified nanny who my ds is very comfortable with.

OP posts:
Original poster
waitingforsomething · 23/06/2016 10:36

Also I know jet lag is manageable of course it is, but is it fair to inflict it if there is another parent here to look after him and save him of it? He took a long time to get over it last time, he was sad and uncomfortable and found it hard to get his rhythm. I'm not convinced Smile very appreciative of all your thoughts and opinions though

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 23/06/2016 10:40

Surely the undertone is that the Dad isn't good enough?
Because a long hall flight for a 1yr old. To see people who are probably like strangers to him, who he won't remember. With jet lag and change to routine. Why would you take him? When he would be left at home with familiar people to look after him and his Dad on call for emergencies.

Aworldofmyown · 23/06/2016 10:42

I think its a sensible idea. We have just flown 8 hours with DC3 who is one and he was fine but its hard work.

Not sure I would be able to do it though, are you sure you will enjoy it without him?

AndNowItsSeven · 23/06/2016 10:44

Young Babies don't normally get jet lag.
What would worry me would be if mybaby was sick or had an accident I couldn't not get to him.

foursillybeans · 23/06/2016 10:44

YANBU at all. My only thought would be that 10 days is quite a long time. I'd probably look at 8 days personally but that's not a big deal. Your DS will be fine as long as he likes your nanny but I assume you wouldn't be considering this if he didn't.

AppleMagic · 23/06/2016 10:45

art and four I don't know about other aviation authorities but flights governed by FAA have to allow children under 2 to use FAA approved car seats for the whole flight including take-off and landing.

LaContessaDiPlump · 23/06/2016 10:47

YANBU. Leave your son with his dad and nanny, and enjoy your trip with your DD. Simples.

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