to fly home with 1 child

[waitingforsomething]

Dd is 3.7. Ds is about to turn 1. I'm living abroad and although had no plans to return to the UK yet, am feeling homesick so am going to book a flight home for me and DD for around 10 days. The flight is very very long and involves being quite jetlagged. Dh can't come because he is working so the plan was to go with dd so we can see friends and grandparents. ds will be looked after by dh weekends, overnight and Morning and evening and our nanny will look after him during week days.
The reason for this is because flying so far with 2 on my own is really hard when he's so little and the jetlag is extra tough on him. My pils have gone bananas over this saying I am awful to leave him for 10/11 days, he will miss me and it's not fair. I think it's less fair to take him- he doesn't really mind where he is as long as he's happy and he will be with his own dad.
Aibu? Should I take both?

Take both kids and enjoy bonding time with them, and give the nanny a week off - win win (except you'd have to work harder on the flight). Childcare like nannies, in my view, are for when parents are working. If you're not working, then you should be with your children enjoying time together. Don't be sucked into the rich expat lifestyle where you rely on staff to wait on you hand and foot so much that you forget the role of mummy.

My DSis did a few times when my nephew was a baby. It gave her quality time with her older daughters and him quality time with his dad and the in laws. He was always absolutely fine and is now a gorgeous, naughty four year old. Do what works for you and ignore the judgy comments.

Unfortunately I'm not a rich expat. Quite a lot of assumptions are being made about me on this thread. I have a nanny 4 days Per week for when I am at work. Ds is too young to go to a childcare centre where I live so this is my childcare option. Many people have nannies at home doesn't mean they are rich - it is the right childcare option.
I am not a rich expat therefore cannot afford to fly my nanny out, pay for her visa and then put her up in a hotel.

Thanks problem- good to know your nephew survived, alas, had a good time with his dad!

I don't bond with either of my children when I have got both of them - I spend the whole time firefighting and stopping them from killing each other it's not quality time with Mummy when Mummy is stressed and (justifiably) hating it! Spending happy, peaceful time with one of them is much better IMO.

And as for this: If you're not working, then you should be with your children enjoying time together who made you the Arbiter of these things?

I guess the real answer is that you know your ds, could he cope well with you and his sister going? My children at that age could not have. Even if left with their dad and grandparents/childminders. I would not be willing to put any of my children through something that could potentially be so upsetting to them.

Yes financial assumptions will be made when you use the term nanny instead of childminder or babysitter and say that you are going to pay for flights for you and dd just because you feel homesick.

Anyway the vast majority of other posters think it's an acceptable thing to do so I will have to assume that my parenting style is the unreasonable one and wish you well.

My DC have a similar age gap, are as thick as thieves, but wouldn't be unduly upset at being separated for that length of time. They'd ask after one another and enjoy seeing photos and things but I don't think they'd be distraught.

Yes I think he would cope because he is with his dad. Who he is also attached to. No one says childminder here they say nanny.

I am really surprised by the judgemental comments on this thread.
OP: in answer to your original question, no YANBU. Ds will be fine with his DF and nanny and you will get to spend some quality time with your Dd.

YANBU. Leave your son with his dad and nanny, and enjoy your trip with your DD. Simples.

Exactly.

Baby will be 100% happy with his farther and nanny. You will have a lovely tim wiht your DD.

I do NOT get the issue.

I also second what someone else said about babies having no sense of time. He can't tell the difference between you being away for 2 nights or 10.

You are being a good, unselfish mum by putting his comfort above yours.

I still shudder at the memory of taking 10 month old dd to Australia, 28 hours flying (teeny stopover in the middle).

She's 16 now but it remains a particularly vivid memory.

YANBU. Toddlers are not designed for long flights.

So when I fly to denmark it's a 15hr trip from airport to airport. I get zero help at either end plus at Copenhagen airport I'm expected to carry two kids off the plane with hand luggage (backpack plus diaper/kiddie bag). I'm totally with the OP on this and would leave one child back.

I honestly believe some of the people on here never fly or fly once or twice a year. I fly 15-25 times a year with my kids and I'm often alone with them. It's very exhausting. I often leave one at home. People who are making living abroad work for them often do this.

To the person who keeps going on about the OP having a nanny, please check yourself. Read what you have written and just think about it. Most people with a nanny are spending a fortune and are often paying the nanny more than the lower earner makes. It's also common for an expat family to have a nanny when you have more than one child under 4. When you live abroad the nanny and their network can make a huge difference to how open the circle of friends your child has. You also need that second pair of hands because the working spouse is normally never home.

Honestly, a one year old who can't talk, and doesn't have a handle on the passage of time - 10 days would feel like forever. Unless he is very used to you not being around, including overnight for several days at a time, the I wouldn't dream of it. Any of mine would have been caused lasting damage if I'd left them for that long at that age:

What kind of lasting damage Soviet? I'm not disputing you I'm just interested in the psychology of this as other posters suggest that 2 nights or 10 nights doesn't mean anything to a child that young.

Psychological damage from feelings of abandonment - it happens. I've seen it happen within my wider family. I don't know why we think just because a baby can't talk that they can't suffer psychological trauma, they certainly can.

Go with your eldest.

My DH worked away from home and at around when mine where a year old, he was away for upto a couple of weeks. There has been no lasting damage (my youngest is 18).

OP, my DD had a break with her DH at around this age and my GD found it too upsetting to even hear her voice. So be prepared for no contact (on her part). I Facetimed my DD without my GD knowing.

Since your question was AIBU to leave DS at home for ten days and given that your DH will be at work it's fairly relevant whether you're leaving your DS with a nanny or a nanny/housemaid.

I'm also an expat - I spend half my life on planes. I also have a nanny and so my DC are frequently in the day time care of their nanny - both whilst I'm in the office up the road and when I'm several thousand miles away.

My advice is don't panic about how awful the flight might be and think carefully about how much you will miss your DS once you're off the plane. Despite mine being older and me (perhaps) more used to being away from my DC I'd find ten days too long to be away from my youngest and wouldn't enjoy myself.

Soviet, are you worried that the 1 year old will feel abandoned by his father if OP does take him? Surely the only non-traumatising solution is for the whole family to go or none.

Soviet, so a family member has gone away for 10 days and left the child with the other Primary Carer and that caused physiological damage?

I was a CP SW and the only time that baby anxiety has shown up, was when a baby was in FC, not with the other PC. It usually takes a few weeks to happen and only if the situation continues.

I find it hard to believe my secure,
Well loved son would be psychologically traumatised by being left with his own dad who loves him and looks after him as often and in the same way as I do. I'm not considering leaving him with strangers. But I'm no expert so I take your point- thank you

Wow. The sexism on this thread is incredible.

Fine for baby to be taken out of the country, away from his father, by his mother.

But to be left in the country, with his father, whilst his mother is away is horrifying. It shows the mother is unloving, uncaring and will lead to psychological damage for the baby.

If it's fine for the baby to be away from one primary caregiver for 10 days it's fine for him to be away from the other. Doesn't matter whether it is his mother or father if you share the parenting equally and both have a living bond with him.

I honestly think it's fine to leave him with his father and nanny in familiar surroundings and his familiar routine. Yes, you will miss each other but it is only 10 days. I'm sure it will be far harder on you than it is on him.

Really, it makes sense to leave him. We recently did a 16 hour long-haul flight with DS, aged 10mo, and it was horrible for him (and us!). And he was definitely jet lagged on return. I wouldn't put him through it again unless necessary whilst still so young.

It will be nice for you and DD to have one-to-one time and similarly for DS and DH to have one-to-one time.

enjoy bonding time with them - I can't think of many things less likely to be enjoyable bonding time than a long-distance plane journey with 2 young children.

your ds will be fine.
my ds stayed away from me for a month at that age (long story as to why to do with my ex not bringing him back from visiting PILS!) but he was fine...i wasnt; but he was absolutely fine ...

in this case, your dd will love having a trip on her own with you.

ds will be fine.

please dont worry.

From this thread, people seem very invested in:

Mummy guilt
Sexism
Snobbery about nannies and expats
Proving how fabulously capable they are

The headline: Shock as child left with not one but two perfectly competent caregivers he knows. In other news, World Ends.