AIBU - 12 year old, leavers party, clothes

[Bathsheba]

My 12.5 yo DD1 is NOT INTO CLOTHES. Or ANYTHING GIRLY.

It is her primary school leavers party next week and, frankly, I think this would be a good time for her to realise that, sometimes, you need to wear clothes to fit the occassion.

She will never be one of the girls getting highlights, and fake tan and manicures - and thats okay - not a problem.

But I do think that - as we have delayed our holiday so she can go to this party (we normally leave as soon as school finishes - literally 3:30 but this year we are leaving at 8pm), and as a local business man has paid a lot of money to put on a "No expenses spared" party for them...and as a lot of the mums are volunteering to go and decorate the venue (not me sadly - I'm working at the school)...that she could wear something other then her plan of "stained joggers and an oversized man's tshirt".

I don't expect a ball gown - I absolutely don't - but I gave her the Next Summer Catalogue to look through (women's and girls sections) - she put it down after literally 10 seconds and said "no - nothing I want to wear".

I would like her to wear something like this

www.next.co.uk/girls/older-girls/festival-girl/12

or

www.next.co.uk/girls/older-girls/mono/5

She is very emotional at the moment - worried about secondary, not wanting to go on family holiday etc etc - but I really do think that it is really disrespectful for her to turn up to an expensive party that a lot of people have worked hard on looking like this

lastexittoricklesburgh.com/the-tramps-arsehole/

There are some events - weddings, funerals, parties, graduations - where you can't wear what you are necessarily comfortable in every day - I'd never force make up or hair up-dos on her, but something nice - surely..

AIBU (and does anyone have any outfit suggestions - she is a pretty, athletic girl...)

Do you have an older cool cousin or family friend who could have a chat with her, maybe take her shopping? Sadly kids often think us parents know nothing and take more notice of advice a teen gives them.

What about a pair of jeans and a peasant top thing, she might be a bit self conscious in tightish tops

Can't you just buy her some new joggers and a new tshirt?

Or wash what she plans to wear as a compromise of sorts?

My Dd was the same at the end of year 6. Ball of emotion. A year on and settled in secondary it's calmed down.

I do think it would be off for her to turn up in stained clothes and I doubt she would actually feel comfortable.

I like the first outfit you linked and that's something my Dd would wear. She is very sporty and lives in sports wear. That's like a more formal version.

I'm assuming the boys are also expected to dress smartish too

she doesn't have to wear a dress tell her but it's a bit disrespectful to everyone else if she doesn't at least wear clean, smart clothes.

She actually said that she was going to wear 'stained joggers' ?

Have you posted about your issues with her clothing choices before?

it's a year 6 leavers party not HER wedding ! let her wear what she feels comfy in

My middle DD is a tom boy - although she's now more open to dresses and make up since high school (her choice btw I'd never suggest she change what makes her happy)

I like those outfits a lot but it has to be her choice

Her joggers - there is a bit of a history - she has 8 pairs of identical sainsbury's joggers - which they no longer sell it seems. It is all she ever wears. Now they aren't stained because I don't wash them (I am a laundry addict) - they are stained because - well, they just are...she plays sport in them, she lounges around in them - if she isn't at school thats what she wears. She didn't actually say she was going to wear "stained joggers" but she did say "joggers and a tshirt". All her tshirts are massive - now that is how I buy them for her to lounge around in - most are her favourite band.

She has some "teenage" tshirts that are the correct size for her - Hollister and A&F ones that I have bought her (mainly from ebay) but she won't wear them at all.

I have just sat with her for 20 minutes and she couldn't find anything at Next, Boden's Johnnie B range, or Monsoon (strange choice I know but we have got her leggings and tunic tops from there before) - unfortunately no cool teenagers for her to go shopping with...

Yes the boys will all be smart - at the school discos etc the boys are always "bang on" and "sharp"...I can't really carry that off, can I...??

Yes. I think you have to explain like school uniform there are times you can't just wear what you want.

Try H&M

Does she really want to go to the party?

Surely if her clothes are stained they need replacing? I would let her go in whatever she wants so long as it's clean. There are more important things than what you wear. Be glad she's happy being herself and doesn't feel the need to follow the crowd.

She's 12, if you can't wear what you want when you are 12 when can you? If she is going to feel awkward, could she wear jeans and a shirt? Look in the boys section, she might feel more comfortable.

Sorry x-posted and you've explained the staining. I would compromise and tell her she needs to wear something clean but she can choose it herself. If its joggers then why not?

I sympathise op my dd(14) won't even look at girls clothes. She wears leggings & band/comic t-shirts & hoodies. (Preferably men's as the fit better & usually black as she hates pick or light colours).
There is no way she will wear a dress for prom but only if it is goth/steam punk/alternative. We've had a look on blue banana web site & they have some nice ones-is that a possibility op?

I still have 2 years to change my dd's mind though.

I think she either doesn't want to go or is trying to wind you up.

I normally would say clothes arnt worth the battle op but in this case you are right. It's as disrespectful as going to a wedding in jeans. She needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve around her choices and she sometimes has to compromise.

Personally my angle with my teens was you either make the effort or we don't make the effort to take and fetch you.

If it's a no go then don't delay your holiday just go and tell her she's chooses to miss the party by her behaviour.

• should read pink

Is she likes Tu clothes (joggers) could you look there?

Other shops to try m & co, new look 9-15.

I'd explain there is dressing for the occasion/weather and she needs to choose something suitable. Strianed scruffy clothes are not suitable. Those harem trousers in link 1 are very comfy (I wear them to work from home in)

Lottie - she does want to go to the party. I initially thought that she really didn't want to (she doesn't really get on with some of the more confident girls and boys and at the school disco she never actually enters the disco room) but there were actual tears and screaming when I said that we may miss the party as we have a hotel booked 250 miles away that night as the first leg of our holidays.

In past years they have had the party on the Thursday rather than the Friday so when it was all booked it was a bit of an oversight of mine.

Last weekend she had a huge meltdown about not wanting to go on holiday at all and one of the reasons cited was that she was having to miss some of this party...

What?! All this angst over some clothes, the girl is going to a primary school leavers party to celebrate before secondary and some posters think she shouldn't be allowed to go because she isn't wearing 'relevant' clothing..whatever that is.. I wore my brothers Bermuda shorts when I left primary and had a ball, not all girls want to wear pretty frocks , it is about her leaving , it shouldn't be about clothes. I'm sure when she's older and goes for job interviews etc she'll wear relevant clothes whatever they maybe. What happened to feminism?!

YY to suggestions of looking in the boys section - dark jeans or trousers, and a shirt or clean t-shirt.

If she says no to clean clothes, no go. But d

If you just ordered the next patterned trousers and the plain t shirt would she come round to the idea?
Dd is a year younger and has terrible Tatar in clothing. We've gone from nice dresses and dungarees with t-shirts under to awful scruffy shorts and t-shirts with horrible designs on. (Not inappropriate just tacky) and hair hanging down just brushed when her hair looks much nicer up in plaits or a bun.
I managed to get her to wear some cute spotty espadrilles from M&s rather than trainers.

Similar battle with my son last year at his P7 party - he would live in the same pair of camo trousers and t-shirt if I let him.

Just tell her there's a dress code - like at school, you have to wear similar things to everyone else to conform sometimes. Joggies and tshirts are fine for home, but for parties you have to make an effort.

Tell her you're not expecting a party frock, but that you are expecting clean leggings/trousers and a smart top. Take her to your nearest large shopping centre and tell her you're not leaving until she's found something appropriate in H&M / Primark / wherever.