AIBU - 12 year old, leavers party, clothes

[Bathsheba]

My 12.5 yo DD1 is NOT INTO CLOTHES. Or ANYTHING GIRLY.

It is her primary school leavers party next week and, frankly, I think this would be a good time for her to realise that, sometimes, you need to wear clothes to fit the occassion.

She will never be one of the girls getting highlights, and fake tan and manicures - and thats okay - not a problem.

But I do think that - as we have delayed our holiday so she can go to this party (we normally leave as soon as school finishes - literally 3:30 but this year we are leaving at 8pm), and as a local business man has paid a lot of money to put on a "No expenses spared" party for them...and as a lot of the mums are volunteering to go and decorate the venue (not me sadly - I'm working at the school)...that she could wear something other then her plan of "stained joggers and an oversized man's tshirt".

I don't expect a ball gown - I absolutely don't - but I gave her the Next Summer Catalogue to look through (women's and girls sections) - she put it down after literally 10 seconds and said "no - nothing I want to wear".

I would like her to wear something like this

www.next.co.uk/girls/older-girls/festival-girl/12

or

www.next.co.uk/girls/older-girls/mono/5

She is very emotional at the moment - worried about secondary, not wanting to go on family holiday etc etc - but I really do think that it is really disrespectful for her to turn up to an expensive party that a lot of people have worked hard on looking like this

lastexittoricklesburgh.com/the-tramps-arsehole/

There are some events - weddings, funerals, parties, graduations - where you can't wear what you are necessarily comfortable in every day - I'd never force make up or hair up-dos on her, but something nice - surely..

AIBU (and does anyone have any outfit suggestions - she is a pretty, athletic girl...)

[WankersHacksandThieves]

I'd be tempted with harem pants, band tshirt, waistcoat and baseball boots.

www2.hm.com/en_gb/productpage.0365850003.html

[Bathsheba]

I've spoken to her and we are happy with generic black trousers (I found some on a scour of the New Look site that she was happy with) so she just has to find a top....

I am in no way embarrassed by what she wears, nor am I worried about how it reflects on me as a Mum - after all, I go around in public with her all the time in her normal clothes. Her favourite band is The Script btw.

I have a very very very girlie Dd2, so my need for a doll to dress up in every explosion of pink tulle and glitter.

I do worry that - no matter how very very wrong it is - that she will lay herself open to bullying and sniggers etc - which I know is wrong and I have tried to equip her with all the emotional resilience she needs.... But when she is thisemotionally fragile then a little bit of conforming might save her from some pain in the long run.

[TwatbadgingCuntfuckery]

OP have you considered some alternative clothes? Not sure if its her thing tbh

I was a goth at school, major confidence issues and wore nothing but band hoodies and big flared trousers. It was a 'look'.

I would never have worn a prom dress. UGh! but I did find an awesome black velvet dress that wasn't clingy and covered enough of my body to feel comfortable.

i think a big part of this might be body confidence.

Personally I would look for a really slouchy sparkly t-shirt/top/dress that covers up her bum. Maybe you could even get her a new band shirt and There are some lovely off the shoulder ones - try new look and new look items on ebay.

with a pair of plain leggings and maybe a new pair of smart trainers with glitter laces. You can get Glitter laces from claire's or amazon.

[NarkyKnockers]

OP do you think your dd is aware of the consequences of not dressing like the others? If she is and doesn't care then I would take that as a positive thing. If she isn't then I would have a chat to her about it.

[Balletblue]

Her favourite band seem to dress smart and casual. Black leather type jacket and t-shirt to go with the trousers maybe?

[TheWindInThePillows]

I don't think that leaver parties are a time to show 'respect'- my dd's leaver party was when they were 10/11 and there was a huge variety of outfits, from fancy dresses, to cut off shorts and a t-shirt.

The 'respect' thing might cut some ice for an interview or for a funeral, but not a school party where the idea is to have fun, dance about and create memories- all of this can be done in her choice of clothes.

To have 8 pairs of joggers all the same sounds really very rigid, so I think the chances of her suddenly wanting a sparkly floral pair of leggings is low. I would still give her the option of going into town/online and choosing a couple of fall-back outfits as she may lose her nerve about the joggers, but if she goes in the joggers and has a good time, I don't think it's the end of the world.

[WankersHacksandThieves]

Well done on the trousers! :)

This any good?

www2.hm.com/en_gb/productpage.0364198004.html

[Balletgirlmum]

8 pairs of identical joggers sounds very familiar. Does she have any other sensory issues?

I still think she should at least be wearing unstained clothes.

[Cantusethatname]

You sound like a brilliant mum.
My DS10 wanted to go to his disco in bright red checked Bermuda shorts and yellow socks. His older brother (17) took one look and said FFS you are embarrassing the whole family (!) or words to that effect. I had already bought new Next joggers and T shirt, on they went and off he went.
But girls are different and I haven't got any. Just don't let her embarrass herself.

[Bathsheba]

Wankers - She says she needs sleeves.....(which she doesn't - years of swimming and Rock climbing have given her great arms...)

[Toofondofcake]

Also I don't think anyone is actually suggesting this little girl has to be "girly" or wear "tight" clothes to be acceptable.

The point is though and I think this is what OP was getting at - it is a lesson in life that sometimes you have to dress appropriately. That can take different forms I.e black at funerals, something smart for a wedding.

The kid doesn't have to go dressed as malibu barbie and her mum isnt dressing her like a doll, she is encouraging her to wear something unspoiled and make an effort for people who are making an effort for her.

I think that's very reasonable and responsible parenting.

Too many kids are taught now that the world will revolve around whatever bubble they live in but that is a disservice to them as they grow older.

[mynamesnotMa]

Our dd is the same. As long as she's clean when she leaves the house she can wear what she likes.
Let her decide. Leave her be.
Does she even want to go?

[NarkyKnockers]

Well I disagree that a school party comes under the same category as job interview or funeral. If I was going to a party I would wear what I liked. If baggy t-shirts and joggers are unacceptable but floral leggings are then I would say that's sending a strong message that tight and girly clothes are more acceptable.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

I think you're not unreasonable to try and find a compromise here.

It would be good to dress up for a party but the new outfit should be something that she agrees to.

Ask her to explain to you what her no no's are. Eg no sparkles, no pink
Get her to list what she likes eg colour green.
Maybe it's a sensory thing? My y5 son won't wear jeans with a button. He likes the elastic ayes waist type.

Would she go for a jumpsuit perhaps? They are neither tight and come in plain colours/patterns.

[Balletgirlmum]

CLEAN, UNSTAINED joggers would be acceptable.

A t shirt that is baggy in style but actually fits would also be acceptable.

[WankersHacksandThieves]

Long sleeve OP?

www.hollisterco.com/shop/uk/p/-5485091?source=googleshopping&locale=en-US&cmp=PLA:618244314_436795683_28137603723_166157370486_c&country=GB

[MyMurphy]

Toofondofcake, spot on!

[ample]

There are a few girls just like your DD at our school.
How about a smarter looking jumpsuit/playsuit? (unsure of the name).
Or a nice pair of smart jeans or capri pants even (or shorts... the unscruffy variety) matched with a slightly sparkled tee in her favourite colour?
It doesn't have to scream 'girl' or 'glitz' even a plain top would do.

YANBU to want her to go and make a bit of an effort but it is her choice and a lot of it will be down to confidence and feeling emotional at the moment. She will want to feel like herself and not stand out - and perhaps this also is adding to her worries and reluctance.

I'm not being that helpful, sorry. My DD is a bit younger and already today's loves are tomorrow's meh's.

[GabsAlot]

what is this the stepford wives-if she wants to wear joggers let her she has to learn her own way if soeone laughs then its on her to take it

u cant force clothes ont kids i bloody hate that

[mathanxiety]

Black trousers and a band top might work. There are some decent Script shirts out there.

Add an edgy hat or cap?

I agree with your motivation in trying to find something more occasion appropriate and glad to hear she is ok with the black trousers.

[mummytime]

Allow her sleeves!

Maybe you ought to read the SN boards - full of children who will only wear the same stuff, will only wear shorts/won't wear shorts - take all winter to get to wear a coat, then take all summer to take it off. Nevermind the problems with seams, socks etc.

If she is happy then be happy. If she complains about what others say then advise. But plenty of people have an "individual" style.

[milliemolliemou]

New joggers and oversized white shirt? sounds good to me. In the end of the day get the festival girl stuff now and a good white shirt - and post it back/return it if she doesn't want to wear it. Just make sure she's clean and happy! If she's wearing plimsolls/trainers/sneakers, they are apparently the in thing. Good luck, she clearly wanted to go - perhaps she's just v nervous about the whole thing. Can a girlfriend's mother give advice?

[mathanxiety]

Denim jacket over the t-shirt.