AIBU - 12 year old, leavers party, clothes

[Bathsheba]

My 12.5 yo DD1 is NOT INTO CLOTHES. Or ANYTHING GIRLY.

It is her primary school leavers party next week and, frankly, I think this would be a good time for her to realise that, sometimes, you need to wear clothes to fit the occassion.

She will never be one of the girls getting highlights, and fake tan and manicures - and thats okay - not a problem.

But I do think that - as we have delayed our holiday so she can go to this party (we normally leave as soon as school finishes - literally 3:30 but this year we are leaving at 8pm), and as a local business man has paid a lot of money to put on a "No expenses spared" party for them...and as a lot of the mums are volunteering to go and decorate the venue (not me sadly - I'm working at the school)...that she could wear something other then her plan of "stained joggers and an oversized man's tshirt".

I don't expect a ball gown - I absolutely don't - but I gave her the Next Summer Catalogue to look through (women's and girls sections) - she put it down after literally 10 seconds and said "no - nothing I want to wear".

I would like her to wear something like this

www.next.co.uk/girls/older-girls/festival-girl/12

or

www.next.co.uk/girls/older-girls/mono/5

She is very emotional at the moment - worried about secondary, not wanting to go on family holiday etc etc - but I really do think that it is really disrespectful for her to turn up to an expensive party that a lot of people have worked hard on looking like this

lastexittoricklesburgh.com/the-tramps-arsehole/

There are some events - weddings, funerals, parties, graduations - where you can't wear what you are necessarily comfortable in every day - I'd never force make up or hair up-dos on her, but something nice - surely..

AIBU (and does anyone have any outfit suggestions - she is a pretty, athletic girl...)

[19lottie82]

I think you need to try and compromise with her.

I agree with one of the other posters, usually I wouldn't care about clothes but it's disrespectful of her to want to wear stained joggers.

Can you offer to buy her some new joggers and she can wear one of her holliser t shirts?

[Flisspaps]

But let her choose the clean clothes herself - those suggestions in your first post are still quite girly and it sounds like that's really not her thing.

[Hulababy]

Would she wear some smarter clothes wear maybe?
www.adidas.co.uk/kids-girls-tights-clothing?prefn1=age&prefv1=8-14%20Years - maybe some of the patterned fitted sports leggings, with a nice vest/tank top perhaps?
I know its not as party like as some things, but perhaps a part way there? The site has a sale on a lot of their 8-14 ranges.

[Toofondofcake]

Being respectful is a big and very important lesson for her to learn I'm with you on this OP.

personally I would give her a choice to either attend the party in something appropriate that you help her choose to ensure it actually is appropriate or she doesn't attend at all and apologises for her disrespectful behaviour.

She can wear whatever she likes at home and with her friends but things like school events etc need appropriate clothes and attitude too.

[OwlinaTree]

Is she self conscious about her body do you think? Is she very tall or starting to go though puberty and trying to hide a bit in the baggy shirts?

[traviata]

i totally disagree with pps.

She does not owe anyone anything. She does not have to dress a certain way because a local businessman has spent money on a party , or because other adults have helped to make it a good occasion.

This should be entirely her call, BUT she can be helped to see that other people are likely to dress smartly, and she might feel out of place.

I think this is all about you, OP. You think that other parents will judge you if your DD doesn't look a certain way. Put your feelings aside and help your DD choose clothes to feel comfortable at her party.

[NarkyKnockers]

What about being respectful to children and their preferences? There isn't a dress code (not that has been mentioned) and I very much doubt that the organisers will give 2 hoots what the guests wear. Sad when a 12 year old is told they have to wear something tighter/girlier to be acceptable.

[Balletblue]

Hmmm. I can see both sides here. I'm not sure that this highly emotional time is actually the best time to pick a battle with your dd. I can see the point if it were a wedding or a church event or even a less emotional party.
I suppose though from your point of view she runs the risk of being embarrassingly scruffy.
something clean might just have to suffice on this occasion.

[Beeziekn33ze]

Elsa - what you said above, that.
OP A fresh version of the nearest you can get to her preferred joggers (try eBay, call Sainsburys) and a new band tee shirt of her choice. Clean and comfy, clothes in which to relax and have fun.
DD wants to go, her friends know her and know her taste in clothes. Let her be herself and enjoy herself. As for the philanthropist, irrelevant, what is he trying to prove?

[londonmummy1966]

I know a few girls like this - they tend either to go for the surfy labels like Hollister that your daughter doesn't like or the rock star look. As your daughter is into bands might the latter work? One young lady I know often looks very glamorous in sparkly leggings and a denim or flying style jacket and mirrored sunnies. John Lewis have some rather funky sparkly leggings in silver or black in children's clearance and Primark have a grown ups asymmetric zip jacket in black broiderie anglaise that looks pretty cool over a black vest.

[ChippyMinton]

Buy a few different outfits and have them on standby in case she changes her mind last minute. She doesn't need to know, but you will save the day if she decides to dress up. Return them if not needed.

Otherwise, I would just keep quiet and let her do it her way.

[Balletblue]

My 11 year old dd went to a wedding reception in smart top, leggings and purple converse, but wore a very plain, very smart dress for the actual service.

[Beeziekn33ze]

Traviata - yes!

[Toocold]

This thread has made me feel sad, children aren't dolls to be dressed up, I do understand you want her in clean clothes op, I totally get that, but it's her event and she's 12, I think you should be proud she knows her own mind. I hope she has a fantastic time and you all have a lovely holiday, it's a really nice thing you're doing going later as she'll always have the party in her memory and that you put her first.

[Scribblegirl]

What's the band she's into, if you don't mind me asking? Might help work out what the smart alternatives are in her preferred genre.

Fwiw I'm liberal as hell and would never make clothes a battle but I'm with you on this.

Other posters - I imagine the OP is fine with whatever the other mothers think, bearing in mind her DD has likely turned up to social stuff in her usual gear on other occasions. I love retro stuff and spend my weekends in tea dresses, bright red lippy and victory rolls, but work in a law firm and adjust my workwear to suit the stuffy conservative workplace I'm in. Don't get me wrong, I have some fab vintage jewellery which goes with my full black suits, but I've been brought up to understand that sometimes not working with the social set up makes you look unintentionally antagonistic.

[Scribblegirl]

*dull

[insan1tyscartching]

Would she wear traveller pants and a t shirt? Like these?
Dd wears these a lot when it's warm as they are comfortable and keep her cool. Not much different to joggers but with a nice top and some roman sandals she'd look a bit more dressed up than in her joggers.

[WankersHacksandThieves]

Is it heavy rock type bands/emo or what? Maybe try to fit in with whatever style applies. Or like a boys tux with a band t-shirt under?

[missymayhemsmum]

Take her to a shopping centre. Give her the budget. Tell her she needs to come up with 3 outfits for the party and summer holiday that are tidy, age appropriate and aren't joggers. Ask if she would like you or a friend to help. Or allow her to do similar online.

[OutwiththeOutCrowd]

What about a waistcoat over the t-shirt to add a touch of Annie Hall androgynous chic as sported by Angelina Jolie's daughter Shiloh?

www.justjared.com/photo-gallery/3555744/angelina-jolie-brought-five-of-her-kids-to-kung-fu-panda-3-premiere-02/

[Goingtobeawesome]

My DD wouldn't want a dress and would want to wear jeggings and a cool thing.

She'd wear jeggings and a cool t- shirt.

It's a disco. Not a wedding, christening or funeral.

[didireallysaythat]

I hate dressing up so I can see both sides here. I refuse to go to all work events because of the convention you have to buy an outfit for the occasion.... I compromised on my wedding day but I really hate dressing up. Does you daughter feel uncomfortable if dressed up ? Will that ruin the party for her ?

[SootSprite]

So the message you want to send to her is that if she wants to go to parties she has to wear what YOU want her to, rather than what SHE feels comfortable in??

Does it matter so much if she wears joggers and a tshirt to the party? Really?

[BabyGanoush]

At that age, and bearing in mind my DS (13) who is the same, I have the rule that he has to wear clean clothes. other than that it's up to him.

So stained joggers would be a no-no, but she can wear clean trousers and a clean shirt if that is what she wants?

Don't push your dream of having a pretty daughter on her if that's not her thing.

[MyMurphy]

Missy, great idea. I do think that daughter should be respectful to everybody else and at least be clean and tidy! (First outfit is fine). Narky, I don't think that anybody has suggested girly and tight? But clean, not stained and fits correctly should be the agenda. You are teaching your child the right lessons for her future.